... to ask Has Anyone Seen My Kev?? ( the builder) .... Yeahinaminute here BTW !

[yeahinaminute]

Long Story short:

Bought new kitchen in October .... friend stored in her barn .... Good mate ... let's call him Kev for that is his name .. is a builder and he and his motely crew agreed to do the job ( BIG ... ceiling down, floor up, new leccies, plumbing etc)Price agreed ... now let's set a date ...

"So, Kev" says I ... "any chance before Christmas?"
"No probs YIAM .. we'll have you up and running in a couple of weeks"

October wends it's merry way into the dark of November ... which whistles along to December ....... (can you hear the tumbleweed??)
Now as I said before our Kev and his lovely family a very good friends ... during this time we have been to parties together, theirs for dinner ... ours for dinner etc and occassionally the kitchen ... or distinct lack of was brought up ....

So now we have pootled nicely to Dec 16th whereupon Kev informs
"Right then YIAM ... how about we make a start on the 20th?"
YES Dear Reader the TWENTIETH OF DECEMBER
" as politely as I could I replied that I did not think it would be in the best interests of my sanity and his ability to father any more children ( should he wish) if he entered my house with a crow bar and dust sheets ( purely ornamental)5 day's prior to Christmas Eve / Day when I will be required to feed, water and generally entertain 11 adults, 3 children and 3 dogs.

He got the message....

So this weekend our Kev sidles over as i am enjoying a much deserved libation in the pub ...

"Right than YIAM ... get cracking ... me and the lads'll be in on Wednesday to start ..." !!
" FAB - A - ROONIE ( apologies to the Tweenies there!) " I exclaim!
So Tues/Weds in between working, looking after the sainted ma who's staying ( and has a severe case of man flu) I clear the kitchen, utility etc of 10 years of accumulated detrius ( why do I have so many identical dishes etc when guaranteed I use the one nearest that has a broken lid/handle etc?)and store everything in the dining room, shed, wherever i possibly can, bought industrial quantities of sugar, Yorkshire tea and custard creams ready for the Off.

As an aside - I left a tiny proportion for DH to clear/dump/find a home for ... he came home from work on Tues eve at 7 and declared " Sure ... Yep, Yep ... I'll get that done ... what's for dinner, I'll have it later and have you seen my training top I'm off to touch rugby now" ... and like snow before the sun ... GONE

Anyway - I digress..... Kev arrived yesterday ..... kitchen, utility... GONE... ceilings ... GONE ..... Mess, dust ARRIVED, Dog .. TRAUMATISED ....So, he arrives again this morning with a Mahoosive drill bit and the ornamental dust sheets and in the time it took me to walk DD to school and take the dog over the fields ... about 45mins .... he's drilled the cable chasing in the walls the WHOLE house is covered in plaster dust ... and he's disappeaered ....

So the question is ... where's my Kev? ... can I have him back please? ... it's only day 2 and I thought he might stick around a bit longer than that.

Kev turned up this morning ..... I'm not burning the posters just yet ...

Anyway - he's a wag is my Kev .... simple question I thought ..

"So then Kev, in all honesty when do you think you'll be finished?" I politely enquired
" All done and dusted by the end of next week" he cheerily announced

I snorted my grit enhanced cuppa up through my nose ( sorted my troublesome sinuses out a treat).. "NEXT WEEK!!??" I laughed surveying the masonry dust encrusted home, daughter and dog
" Sorry" say's Kev " did I say week - I meant month"

Anyway ... he's disappeared again muttering things about armoured cable etc ... Nige the sparky's allegedly arriving this afternoon for a 3 day visit ...... wonder if he's a custard cream man or more Hob Nobby??

Def Hob Nobs it's the chocolate that gets them..... and hopefully brings them back for more..

Tis serious business biscuit selection for Kev and the gang!!

I wouldn't hold my breath for the sparky - not if he's like ours, anyway. I'm presently writing a crime novel called 'The Case of the Elusive Electrician'...

Actually, today we are due his monthly visit to fanny around with a few sockets before disappearing again. Never employ a mate.

Two words of advice for you: Slovakian builders. We are never knowingly going to employ an Englishman again.

Unfortunately we rural folk don't have too many Eastern European Tradespeople to chose from out in the sticks..........

HobNobs it is then ....

The vans pulled up 20 minutes ago ... they're smoking fags and chatting in one of them .. haven't made it to the door yet ...

David is delayed as he is getting a load of concrete at home with fibreglass filaments in it. When Barry has the truck. Then Barry will remove my old bathroom suite, or 'original garden feature' as we now think of it! He was due Wednesday 10.30!

Ah the old hotbunking with the van excuse eh ??!!

Anyway I KNOW my Kev is moonlighting on a conservatory / new garage gig the next village over ...... apparantly he is only there in an advisory capacity and will be devoting his energy time and efforts to my kitchen hostility and scullery

So he says .....

Nige is not a HobNobber ... spied DD's (my) secret stash of Jammie Dodgers and he and my Kev have got through a pot of tea, small bag of sugar and a half pack each of custard creams and JD's whilst discussing the already discussed electrical requirements.

Ornamental dust sheets have been draped, huge drill bit inserted I await the chasing and capping off orchestral manouevre in D major for builder and sparky in tense anticipation ......

Will have to remember the JD's for ????? next week month.

and the re-discussion well that just par for the course, everyone has to be fully briefed you understand , 'elf and safety an all that( it's just a shame it's individually!!)

I'm in the sticks too, yeahinaminute. The Slovakians turned up every day without fail, worked from 8 to 6 and we had to beg them to take a break to eat their lunch and not to be so perfectionist about our kitchen. And then they begged to come back on Saturdays to be able to finish the job. They did spurn my English biscuits, though.

There is still an electrician-shaped hole in my kitchen. He's not even parked in the van outside reading the Sun ...

My dd1 told me last night that David was here on Thursday for 20 minutes and did something but she doesn't know what. I am suspecting he read the Star in the bathroom....

YIAM, I am ROFL this is the funniest thread I have read in a long time and one of the first times in weeks I have laughed.

I am sorry that your builder has done a bunk though, (DH1 is a builder) so I do feel your pain, and you are so right about the dust sheets.

Look in the nearest greasy spoon would be my advice, I hope you find Kev soon, and for my part any Kev's I find I shall send your way.

If only I'd read this (brilliant) thread earlier - I could have given you Merv, who did our kitchen (removing old, plastering walls, tiling floor and installing new) in 4 days flat. On one memorable night he still had the circular saw going for the floor tiles at 10.30 p.m. (I'm still apologising to the neighbours every time I see them). The only downside was all the Radio One we had to listen to.

Merv replaced Jonathan, who took our kitchen ceiling down in August, and at the end of November put it back up again, having finally replaced the leaking shower above it. He was promptly sacked, and we negotiated £800 off the bill.

Lol.

Love the way you write YIAM

I now have an embarrasing richness of builders / sparkies now .......

My Kev, Nige the sparkie and ... introducing .... the lad ... our Dean (Deano) who is the apprentice and is in charge of handing things and replacing bits and important tasks like that .... luckily he is not a biccie snob as i discovered him merrily chomping and dunking his way through an assortment box of biscuits for cheese ?

They don't appear to be going any quicker though ....

Well hubbie is a carpenter...generally ripping out and drilling holes uncovers a motley range of surprises so a disappearance following this usually means hes at B & Q buying stuff he didnt know he would need until the house revealed it unexpected nasties

You're right ... Deano ... nice kiddie .... not bright though ..... has just been released after locking himself in the back of the van for the past 15 minutes...Kev's not happy with him .... there's been "words" .....Judging by what's been said ... Kev seems to think his parents weren't married and that he's good at throwing ( if that's the sort of tosser he means?!!)

This thread is great!

I would be happy if my architect Jason would even just show up! We thought it would be nice as we hadn't seen him in so long to go visit hiim, we were missing him so much, but when we arrived at his house it was empty and up to let!!!

Looks like our extension will be a bit delayed

Yeahinaminute- I don't think I actualy want your builderss to finish, the running commentary is just too funny!!

Ah YIAM, you have cheered me up more than you know!

By making me laugh, not revelling in your misery!

David is going to knock down Caroline's shed, according to dd1. Only then can Barry come with the truck to take away the bath and toilet that grace my lawn. Caroline's Brian said it was OK, but he has to clear it with herself.

Doris, want me to drag it out a bit then luv?

Kev I'm sure YIAM loves having you round, ( and all your mates aswell), In fact I think she'd realllllly like it if you brought a few more tomorrow, just for the discussion stuff like- no actual work required!

So d'ya think you could find a few blokes with white vans (has to be white, it's the only colour to be seen in!) to keep her happy, oh and eat some of her hobnobs or she'll think they've gone mouldy, what with the wait an all....