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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a bit put out that future SIL does not want any children from his side of the family there but wants her niece there

71 replies

lixylix · 22/01/2009 10:39

I dont agree with children at weddings usually and even when mine are invited we dont take them, getting them cared for by my family for the day/night. My brothers wedding will be in another country all my family will be attending but have been told by a sheepish brother that there are no children welcome/invited, except SIL niece who will be at the church. SIL niece is the same age as my daughter 3. So how do we manage this? who do I get to look after 3 dc whilst my dh and I go away for two days to this wedding.

OP posts:
traceybath · 22/01/2009 10:42

Sounds a bit unfair and not surprised your brother is sheepish.

Any chance your in-laws can look after the children?

Are you close to your brother? If you can get in-laws to help would be nice to go i guess but i personally would just decline if childcare is going to be too tricky and explain very clearly why to your brother.

I bet your parents aren't terribly impressed.

chancelloroftheexCHEQUERS · 22/01/2009 10:43

I'm with you, would do anything to not take my DD to a wedding and don't mind at all them not being invited.

That does seem really mean though to invite one and not the other.

Original poster
lixylix · 22/01/2009 10:45

She really is an antagonising bitch, she has an answer for everything.

OP posts:
nontoxic · 22/01/2009 10:46

Does the niece live in the country? If so, I suppose that would be a reason for her to go. But they must see that logistics make it impossible for you to go without your DCs. I'd save the cash and use it for a family holiday for yourselves.

BonsoirAnna · 22/01/2009 10:49

I think you need to explain, tactfully, to your brother that he either invites you, your DH and your three children or you won't be coming. How on earth does he expect you to get childcare for two days if your parents and other family members will all be at the wedding? I don't think he and future SIL have thought this through so do it gently and let it be a lesson for him in managing family relationships .

paddingtonbear1 · 22/01/2009 10:49

a friend of mine had a similar problem in that one of her dcs was invited to a wedding abroad and the other wasn't! It was a family wedding. In the end my friend went over there but didn't go to the ceremony so she could look after her younger dc. They all went to the do afterwards.

clam · 22/01/2009 10:50

If your DCs are the only nieces and nephews in the family, apart from SIL's niece, then I don't see why an exception couldn't be made. If there are hoards, then I suppose
they're she's thinking that they'd have to invite everyone's kids. But this is abroad, too, so it'd be doubly difficult to organise childcare - 'specially for 3 of them.
Mind you, I'm curious as to why the other niece is only going to be at the church. Is she a bridesmaid? Coz there was a thread not long ago about this, where the OP was livid that her DD was expected to perform and look nice for the photos, but then to bugger off home (supervised by whom????) and not attend the party afterwards. And this wedding was a long way away too.
YANBU (and I'm also usually in the "no kids at weddings unless special circs" camp too).

DustyTv · 22/01/2009 11:09

It does seem very unfair, I don't understand how your bro and future SIL can explain having her niece there and not his nieces and nephews.

TBH though if it were me I would decline, and not tell them why unless asked but still wish them well. A family holiday sounds like a better thing to do with the money TBH.

When DH and I got married there wasn't that many young DC in either families and all of them were in the bridal party as bridesmaids and pageboys anyway so it was never a problem for us.

Original poster
lixylix · 22/01/2009 11:11

SIL niece lives nearby and there is no one to look after her, as far as we know she is not a flowergirl.

OP posts:
jujumaman · 22/01/2009 11:17

Ooh, goodie, a kids at weddings thread

Could you go alone and leave your dp with kids for the weekend? Obviously not ideal but if you really want to attend, then that seems the only solution.

If you're not that bothered about attending, then simply calmly explain to your brother that much as you'd like to attend the wedding without dcs, it's not possible and therefore regretfully you can't come. End of.

Keep your cool. Will your parents get upset on your behalf?

mrsjammi · 22/01/2009 11:20

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Message withdrawn

Original poster
lixylix · 22/01/2009 12:44

We have found a solution. The hotel offers a baby sitting service so my sisters and I are all going and bringing the children, our husbands will spend the day with the children taking them out and in the evening when they are worn out and settled a sitter will sit with them and the dads can come and join the wedding. We then can turn the trip into a holiday and stay for longer traveling round visiting friends and family. Ive suggested this to my brother who will ask SIL if she is ok with arrangement.

OP posts:
Alibear1 · 22/01/2009 12:48

How can your SIL not be ok with that - sounds like none of the kids will be at the wedding so therefore none of her business.
She sounds like a bit of a mad cow though - good luck to your brother with that one!!

StewieGriffinsMom · 22/01/2009 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

jujumaman · 22/01/2009 13:02

How can she possibly have a problem with that, unless she wants dhs at the service?

Sorted

clam · 22/01/2009 13:05

Don't get why her permission needs to be sought. She's stated she doesn't want them there, with the assumption that you can sort it out. And you have.

Original poster
lixylix · 22/01/2009 13:27

I phoned the hotel to book the family rooms and they have been held in the brides name, so I phoned my brother and asked did he and his future wife need the two rooms with the cots. He agreed I could have them, phoned hotel and have not put them in my name. Can feel a big row brewing.

OP posts:
Original poster
lixylix · 22/01/2009 13:28

Now in my name rather

OP posts:
clam · 22/01/2009 13:46

So, not only does she not want your kids there, she'd also prefer you not to bring them to the hotel - or even into the country perhaps??
Is your DB aware of what he is getting into, here?

onepieceofbrusselssprout · 22/01/2009 13:51

She sounds a right awkward cow. Why on earth would she object to you implementing your solution and booking 2 family rooms.

onepieceofbrusselssprout · 22/01/2009 13:53

You know what? The reality is (imo) she wants a row. She wants some sort of showdown.

She has made things potentially difficult. Not a good start to married life her attitude towards her future dh's family, is it?

You seem to have handled this sensitively and graciously, if there is a row brewing it is because she is one of those odd/nasty people who enjoy ill-feeling. (imo)

3littlefrogs · 22/01/2009 13:58

Why is he marrying her? (genuinely puzzled).

onepieceofbrusselssprout · 22/01/2009 14:00

3littlefrogs I was wondering that.

op is your db close to you and your immediate family. (parents and sister)? It doesn't bode well really that he is pandering to her unreasonable behaviour.

mrsjammi · 22/01/2009 14:07

This reply has been deleted

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clam · 22/01/2009 14:15

Or there must be other hotels in the vicinity? What country are we talking here? Anywhere nice?

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