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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel a bit put out that future SIL does not want any children from his side of the family there but wants her niece there

71 replies

lixylix · 22/01/2009 10:39

I dont agree with children at weddings usually and even when mine are invited we dont take them, getting them cared for by my family for the day/night. My brothers wedding will be in another country all my family will be attending but have been told by a sheepish brother that there are no children welcome/invited, except SIL niece who will be at the church. SIL niece is the same age as my daughter 3. So how do we manage this? who do I get to look after 3 dc whilst my dh and I go away for two days to this wedding.

OP posts:

NimChimpsky · 23/01/2009 19:54

jujumaman, she's barking. That's the simple answer. And didn't 'want dd in her photos'. That's the best I got out of her.

quint · 23/01/2009 20:02

And your brother allowed this to happen? What about the parents? Absolutely nuts!

Kimi · 23/01/2009 20:11

This woman sounds mad and childish, I think the best thing your brother could do is call the whole wedding off and run......

MillyR · 23/01/2009 20:12

I don't think you should attend the wedding of someone you refer to as a bitch, even if she is marrying your brother.

Maybe she's crazy and maybe she's not. Either way, I don't think you should be stirring things up between your future SIL and your brother. The bond between them is far more important than the bond between you and him. You seem a bit envious of her, and I think you should not get involved because it is your relationship with your brother that is going to suffer, not hers. That would be a shame; don't make him choose.

TwoIfBySea · 23/01/2009 20:17

Um, I wouldn't go to the wedding unless you particularly want to witness this woman in a frenzy. She sounds very odd indeed.

Actually I have never been to a child-free wedding and have never been invited to a child-free wedding so I am glad of that. If I had to put up with this nonsense, especially from someone who would then be a close part of the family then I just wouldn't bother going at all.

And Nim, that was awful her saying she didn't want your dd in her photos. Jesus, it is a wedding, supposed to be a celebration, a party, a coming together of two families. These ordeals sound about as much fun as having a brazillian done by a monkey!

Kimi · 23/01/2009 20:21

Can she not work out that she does not rule the bloody country and if you want to take your child to the hotel you bloody well can.
Is it a church wedding? As far as I know no one can stop any one entering a church even if a wedding is taking place

quint · 23/01/2009 20:38

Millyr are you the future SIL?!!!!

Niftyblue · 23/01/2009 20:56

Sounds like my SIL
Demanding and a drama queen

We walk around her on egg shells
My brother never stands up to her and lets her gets away with it

Its us (mum and dad )that has to understand and not
react back all the time .

She says/does what she wants and yet if we did ....????

Its got worse since their DC were born

ravenAK · 23/01/2009 21:08

Well, you've come up with the perfect solution (at no small amount of buggeration to yourself) - she's not happy - so you are most definitely off the hook.

Send nice card & token present & do something more fun that weekend instead!

& leave db to grow a pair - it's his wedding too, & his family being mucked about - he really should be standing up to her on this, but if he's not, there isn't much you can do.

MillyR · 23/01/2009 22:35

Quint ROFL!

No, I am not the future SIL; I got the impression the SIL has no kids, so doesn't post on MN.

I was just trained well by mum NOT to get involved with the relationship issues of other family members.

There are loads of problems like this on MN all the time. I think that if a man has grown up with sisters and a mum who say 'do this', do that, then he will end up marrying a woman who also says 'do this, do that.' Then you get a man like the OP's brother who is passing messages between future wife and sister. Why doesn't he just say to his sister, 'this is my wedding, my day, and this is what I want?' Because he appears to have no mind of his own! He just passes messages between 2 fighting women who are going to have a row.

I make no judgement on my SIL, her wedding, children, house, work patters etc, because it is NONE OF MY BUSINESS. My brother chose her, and its his life, and he is an adult. I just wish families would try to get along.

I really do think it is mean to call your future SIL a bitch and question her future husband on the sense of his marriage.

clam · 24/01/2009 12:19

To be fair to the OP, she didn't begin this by laying into her SIL. She asked, quite reasonably, how she should deal with the practicalities. The word 'bitch' was saved for, ooh, at least the 3rd post!
She has gone to fair extremes to try to get round the obstacles put in her way by the SIL, and has still, unwittingly, caused upset. I don't see two fighting women. I see one unreasonable bridezilla, and the OP who has tried to accommodate her wishes. And failed. Any developments, lixylix?
"There may be trouble ahead....."

quint · 25/01/2009 19:19

MillyR I can see where you're coming from, however it appears that OP has done everything she can to oblige the future SIL - yet she's still not happy.

AmIOdetteOrOdileOrABagpipe · 25/01/2009 19:24

If the wedding is in a small hotel, then I can imagine that having the OP's 3 DCs, plus all the other sisters' DCs there will somewhat spoil it for the bride. Not necessarily on the day, but maybe she doesn't want them all running around the day after etc?

I would bite off someone's hand at the thought of a weekend away without the DCs....

AmIOdetteOrOdileOrABagpipe · 25/01/2009 19:27

And sorry if this has been mentioned, but it is very possible that the SIL is very close to her niece, who lives close by, and so wants her there. Now if lots of other children were going then I would understand the OP's problem, but realistically the SIL is not going to know the English nieces / nephews as well is she (and yes, I know there's an argument about her never getting to know them if she doesn't invite them to things)

Original poster

lixylix · 26/01/2009 19:22

Sil is still not happy, is giving our brother a hard time about it, saying she does not want the children staying at the hotel and only wanted her niece at the wedding. He has stood up to her over this and says that if she is so against his family why is she marrying into it. To which she has no answer other than its her wedding and she does not want them there. So thats fair enough - no point in arguing over it, we are looking to making alternative arrangements. I wont not go to the wedding as its our brother and despite future SIL we would not not be there for him.

OP posts:

BabiesEverywhere · 26/01/2009 20:23

This SIL is seriously fruity...what possible reason can she have for not wanting your children at the same hotel !!!

Sounds like she is hopeing to put you off attending.

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/01/2009 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

anythingbutpink · 26/01/2009 20:42

Why don't you agree with children at weddings? I thought a wedding was about saying to the world, 'hey, we're getting married... maybe we'll have kids too someday' so children at weddings seem like a really good omen to me. It is a bit wierd that your SIL has double standards about which kids she invites, but weddings always stir up difficult feelings in families and IL relationships are often tense arn't they.

KittyBigglesworth · 27/01/2009 01:37

Do you think your SIL ultimately wants children with your brother? I only ask this because the anti-children stance does seem a little odd. I wonder if they've discussed the prospect of children? You might think this seems implausible but some couples really don't talk about it as much as they should before getting married. For example, she may have told him that she wants to have children 'one day' without them really talking it through. Is the hotel you're going to be staying in very exclusive? In other words, is it possible she might feel embarassed about the hotel having to cater to the demands of many children? I can't see it myself but I'm trying to think of a reason why she doesn't want any there. Perhaps she wants maximum attention on her on her big day and has a very controlled/romanticised vision of how her big day should be. Who knows? Try not to have an argument with your brother about it though. If she is a nutter, it will all undo itself in the end anyway but don't allow yourself to be blamed for any part of the breakup if there is one. He'll always be your brother so just be calm and let him know his happiness is the most important thing.

KittyBigglesworth · 27/01/2009 01:49

BTW, forgot to ask, how many children in total aren't invited?

JodieO · 27/01/2009 02:06

Imo don't just blame you sil (convenient though that may be) but blame your brother too, he's as much a party to everything as she is. You only hear what he chooses to tell you so he may well think that he doesn't want children there himself but blames it on his wife to be, or he may just be standing by her; as he should do imo. Either way, they are equally at fault so don't demonise her and leave your brother the angel. He choose too.

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