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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel a bit put out that future SIL does not want any children from his side of the family there but wants her niece there

71 replies

lixylix · 22/01/2009 10:39

I dont agree with children at weddings usually and even when mine are invited we dont take them, getting them cared for by my family for the day/night. My brothers wedding will be in another country all my family will be attending but have been told by a sheepish brother that there are no children welcome/invited, except SIL niece who will be at the church. SIL niece is the same age as my daughter 3. So how do we manage this? who do I get to look after 3 dc whilst my dh and I go away for two days to this wedding.

OP posts:

Original poster

lixylix · 22/01/2009 14:20

In Ireland. The rooms held for the bride where the two family rooms and bridal suite/room. SIL regularly says we dont bother with our brother as we dont go over to visit very often but its so expensive to go over and although dear brother is so welcoming she is not. She is one of these very straight and honest people who just says whats on her mind with no regard to how she may come across as being rude and upsetting his family. We bite our tongues as we feel for our dear brother and its him who gets it int he neck. I did ask him today if he was sure he was doing the right thing marrying someone who clearly dislikes his family so much.

OP posts:

clam · 22/01/2009 14:24

Wow lixy! That was brave. And what did he say?

mrsjammi · 22/01/2009 14:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

lixylix · 22/01/2009 14:42

Mrs Jammi you are the voice of reason.

He took what I said - saying he understood and he knows what shes like. He said he does stand up to her she does not get it all her own way. We have never seen him stand up to her but I will take his word on that - bless him.

OP posts:

nontoxic · 22/01/2009 18:00

'Straight and honest people who speak their mind etc.' are actually rude and self-centred in everyone's mind but their own.

Let's hope your DB isn't in for a life of tiptoeing around this 'straight talker'.

upnorth · 22/01/2009 18:04

When I was younger everyone had kids at their wedding - I know it can spoil things abit but I still think that these people who do the "Please no children" are incredibly selfish and one day will realise how unfair they were. Kids love weddings/receptions - it's just a big party - however I think I'd be really fuming if her neice is allowed but no other kids. Either that child is being favoured by her or she daren't tell the parents not to bring her - either way I think she's being a total cow. Either it's no kids allowed or everyone's kids are allowed. Play fair.

Karamazov · 22/01/2009 19:30

"Kids love weddings/receptions - it's just a big party"

If that's true, why did my DD spend the whole time of the last wedding we went to moan that it was boring, and when could she go home? She found the hour long church service boring, the grown up meal boring (no children on the table, in a very adult environment), she found the speeches boring. In fact, she only just started having fun in the evening bit, just before we went home! In fact, at four she was required to 'sit still and be quiet' for 3/4 hours that day, and she was bored out of her mind. What four year old enjoys that?

personally, I think that kids are better left at home for weddings, and I always try to leave my kids behind - I only take them when I can't get childcare. It is just too stressful for everyone involved - the child who has to be on their best behaviour all day, and have no space to really run around / let off steam, and also stressful for the parents who have to tell off the kids when they are trying to run around and let off steam, usually at inappropriate times, like in the middle of the speeches!

That said, I agree with the OP that the SIL is being off - one rule for everyone in my book, and I personally wouldn't rule out family children from a wedding, although I can see why one would (and indeed would want to) for the children of friends.

wb · 22/01/2009 19:49

Can someone please explain to me (gently please) why the SIL is getting all the abuse here not 'the couple'? As it is 'their' not 'her' wedding surely both she and the OP's brother decided the guest list - and decided the rules about who to invite?

Have I missed a post with some vitriolic quote from the SIL or something?

onepieceofbrusselssprout · 22/01/2009 20:14

wb op described her as "an antagonising bitch"

Some of us (while criticising the future sil), have made comments about the brother too)

Also the op suggested that "she can feel a row brewing" (this was wrt the hotel booking) I (perhaps wrongly) took this to mean that the sil is unhappy about this, and the brother is resigned to her reaction, although he may not agree with his future wife.

Original poster

lixylix · 23/01/2009 15:59

The SIL is fuming about us bookig into the hotel with the children, my brother explained the situation and she has gone storming off to her parents and wont answer my brothers calls. I feel absolutely terrible now and do not know what to do for the best.

OP posts:

Original poster

lixylix · 23/01/2009 16:00

Feel terrible for my brother not really for SIL.

OP posts:

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 23/01/2009 16:07

Think you have done the most reasonable thing in the situation if your DB wants you their DO then this is a completely acceptable arrangement she is being a bridezilla who needs to be read her horroscope ( but not by you )

Stay out of it and let you db decide what he really wants.....

ThingOne · 23/01/2009 16:13

BIzarre behaviour. I thought it was quite common to take DCs with you to a hotel even when they weren't going to the wedding. Always seemed to me to be the sensible option if you're not in the position to, or don't want to leave small children overnight. Both applied to me so I followed the well trodden route of getting someone to come with us to look after DCs.

lulabellarama · 23/01/2009 16:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

TheCrackFox · 23/01/2009 16:21

You know what? I wouldn't bother going. Your SIL sounds crazy but your brother hasn't exactly covered himself with glory.

Bumblelion · 23/01/2009 16:24

At my wedding, it was all kids invited (but not that many as none of my friends had children at that time) and the family's children (husbands side) were bridesmaids (5 of them) and page boys (2 of them).

I never take my children (although now 16, nearly 12 and 7) to weddings as they are very boring - in fact if I can get out of the service, I will, because I find them very dull. Not mine of course (although mariage now over) but I just can't get excited and find them very boring.

May start another 'am I being unreasonable' about attending a wedding where my boyfriend is best man, I don't really know anyone so will be on a table on my own, need to take a day's holiday from work (it is a mid-week wedding), am trying to organise summer holiday with my children but also need to involve my (soon to be ex) husband re. childcare - he has them for 2 weeks in the summer. I would rather just forget about the wedding and focus on my (and my children's lives) and not have to organise everything around this wedding.

quint · 23/01/2009 16:28

Sounds like you did the right thing - you didn't fly off the handle (which I would have done!) and found a really good solutions. Looks like she wanted a fight, you didn't give her one,and founf a brill solution which should make all happy - except she's not happy as she wanted a fight!!!!!

Well done you - your poor poor brother!

traceybath · 23/01/2009 17:29

Agree with crackfox - think i'd just cancel and say you don't want to cause any more problems.

Your sil has 'issues' but your brother is being very weak and also causing additional tension by relaying to you what the sil is saying.

StewieGriffinsMom · 23/01/2009 17:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PlainOldPeachy · 23/01/2009 17:41

Oh I'd go, and have a lovely weekend whilst not associating with her at all. I wouldn't let moody three year old like behaviour prevent me from attending a family wedding.

Child free wedding can cause big problems. We've not attended a wedding in years because of the fad for them and when we say @Oh we're sorry but we can't leave the boys' do the happy couple say 'Oh I understand you can't get childcare'- do they hek! they throw a trop and refuse to speak to you again!

I like kids at weddings. Each to their oewn but glad I did it the old fashioned way. Wouldnt tell anyone else how to do it though.

jujumaman · 23/01/2009 18:00

How can your sil possibly object to children staying in the same hotel as her? Or have you taken the best rooms away from her? In which case - if she's determined to be in a room with a cot - there will be no room for you and you can't attend.

What does your db see in her?

Again, what do your parents think?

Is there another hotel nearby you could stay in? Or does she object to your children being in the same country as her?

PlainOldPeachy · 23/01/2009 18:02

The latter I reckon.

Dh says your db should be looking for a psychiatric certification not a marriage opne!

unfitmother · 23/01/2009 18:07

YANBU

She sounds like a loon!

NimChimpsky · 23/01/2009 18:07

Oh dear oh dear.

This happened with my brother's wedding. It was invitation only, so they invited their children and their friends' children but didn't invite my exclusively bf dd. I tried to go along with it, came up with solutions, one very similar to yours whereby dh would mind dd in the hotel and then come along later while dd was left with a sitter. All met with a no from SIL.

It caused enormous ructions. Never quite recovered from it.

Next week it is their dd's invitation only 1st birthday party. Yup you guessed it...

jujumaman · 23/01/2009 19:46

Nim

How on earth could your sil object to your dd sitting in a hotel with your dh before being left? Did she ever have to clap eyes on her

I am gripped by these stories of mad sils

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