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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious that DPs ex-wife is telling her mates I am pg?

80 replies

bratnav · 20/01/2009 09:54

Cos I bloody am

The only reason she knows is that DD1 overheard a conversation between DP and I, so we agreed to tell DDs and DSD on a 'special secret' basis. This is what we have in our family for things which must ABSOLUTELY not be discussed with anyone (birthday presents/surprises etc).

We felt that we both had to tell our ex partners as a matter of politeness.

I have since found out that DPs ex has been gobbing off to all her friends and family (presumably in a sneery way) that I am pg.

WE haven't told anyone other than our parents and siblings.

Aaaargh

OP posts:
psychomum5 · 20/01/2009 10:24

did you actually specify that this was a secret tho???

cos if you didnt, sorry, you really can;t be furious about this as she would think it ok to blab.....tis the nature of ex's surely to feel the need to gossip??

TrixieVix · 20/01/2009 10:31

Fair enough - I shouldn't have called her a cow, but in all honesty, it's what I would have called DH's ex if she'd done the same!

I just don't understand why she's felt the need to put it on Facebook? I haven't broadcast it on FB that I'M pregnant, so I certainly wouldn't expect anyone else to do so...I still maintain it's not her news to tell people. As she's got children, she's obviously been through the 3 month 'worry stage' where very few people tell others, so why is it ok for her to discuss with people, knowing that Bratnav and her DP are keeping it quiet?

If she is upset about the subject, surely it would have been more appropriate to discuss with her friends via email or private message?

TigerFeet · 20/01/2009 10:38

She put it on Facebook?!! THat would piss me off tbh - ya definitely nbu to be upset about that.

I've told LOADS of people about my pregnancy but even I haven't broadcast it on Facebook.

I can understand her possibly being upset and needint to talk but that's a step too far.

ANamesANameForAThatsTaken · 20/01/2009 10:40

YABU - your parents, your siblings, your children, your dps parents, his siblings and his children all know you're pregnant.

I'D hardly call that a secret. LOL as one poster said maybe if you're Mugabe you can control what people say, but if you're a mere mortal like us, you can't.

Astarte · 20/01/2009 10:40

I wouldn't have told anyone, even the kids, until I was prepared for the news to be public knowledge.

Then I would've told the kids first and let the other partners find out from the children. Imagine the guilt they'd feel if they were overheard discussing the happy news by someone and they knew it was supposed to be a secret.
Agree with MP, children shouldn't be told to keep anything secret.

Fb advertising seems a bit harsh imho.

I'd be angry if someone announced my pg on fb without my permission.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy & Congratulations!

Original poster
bratnav · 20/01/2009 10:42

We definitely told both XPs that we wanted it to remain a secret. We explained that we were only telling that in case the DCs wanted to talk about it with them.

Therefore, surely I have a right (as does DP) to be annoyed that she did this.

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ANamesANameForAThatsTaken · 20/01/2009 10:46

Just out of curiousity, why the secrecy? I mean it's not like she announced something your belly wont in time.

wannaBe · 20/01/2009 10:47

hmmm depends on the circumstances imo.

You said that you told your ex's to spare their feelings. Did your previous relationships end in order for you two to be together?

I only ask as if the relationship had ended on different grounds then I'm not sure why the feelings of the ex partners would be relevant wrt the new partner being pregnant?

Lauriefairycake · 20/01/2009 10:48

In that case your ex partner when telling his blabbermouth girlfriend should also have passed that message on. He didn't and I'm interested in why you're not annoyed with him.

Original poster
bratnav · 20/01/2009 10:50

See where you are coming from WannaBe, but no. My marriage ended roughly two and a half years before I met DP, and his ended between nine and twelve months beforehand.

I do know that his X wanted a 'band aid baby' a little while before they split up, so maybe that is the issue?

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Astarte · 20/01/2009 10:51

I'm confused...

Did you tell your ex-partner yourself and DH tell his Ex himself? Or did you have a conversation together?

If you did it together (amicably) and you asked them to keep it quiet then I can understand why you'd be annoyed.

If it wasn't done as a couple or the relationships didn't end amicably then I highly suspect she's hurt by the announcement.
It does depend on the circumstances as someone has mentioned.

Lauriefairycake · 20/01/2009 10:51

Sorry, his ex-partner. Yuk, horrible thing for her to be doing.

Original poster
bratnav · 20/01/2009 10:51

Laurie, you have the wrong end of the stick.

DP told his exW, I told my exH. DPs exW has told loads of people including a message on her FB profile. My exH has told noone AFAIK.

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Haribosmummy · 20/01/2009 10:54

Sorry, but YABU.... As the mother of his children, she should have been told BEFORE them.

My Dh's ex was the first person to know about our baby - before the kids, my parents, his parents or friends. It's respectful.

We knew she wouldn't be that happy, so we told her by text and gave her time to get her head around it (we'd been together for 9 years, so she'd probably assumed we wouldn't have any) and we also told her when we were going to tell the kids.

We did it on holiday and the kids knew that it was 'our' secret - well, not secret, but they knew they'd been told before family or friends.

FWIW, my relationship with DH's ex (as a person) is pretty abysmal, but as the mother of his children, she will always be respected. Just as I expect to be respected as the mother of our son.

So what if she had a bit of a gossip about it? It's big news for her (in so much that it affects her children) too.

Astarte · 20/01/2009 10:55

Do you think she's happy for you? Has she done it out of spite/jealousy?

She might not have seen it as respectful at all to be told tbh, she might see it as having her nose rubbed in it.

Have you spoken to her about it?

Original poster
bratnav · 20/01/2009 10:57

DP and I told his exW when she collected DSD, then later in the day DP and I told my exH when he collected my DDs.

It was very amicable, as our chats usually are with our ex spouses, and we asked them politely to keep it a secret until I am 12 weeks. They agreed. We also explained that it was out of respect for them that we didn't want the first time they knew of it to be from the DDs. They both said that they appreciated that and offered congratulations.

Then DPs exW broadcasts it on the internet, which I appreciate I am doing, but noone here knows me in RL, whereas obviously on FB they do.

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Haribosmummy · 20/01/2009 10:58

As for the FB thing, both my DSDs contact me via FB - I write on their photos and wall and they write on mine...

I don't think you can be too mad what someone else writes on FB - especially when it's true!

Good luck with the PG!

Haribosmummy · 20/01/2009 11:00

I think very few exs are genuinely happy in instances like this.

My DH's ex wrote back 'congrats' but I very much doubt she was (or is) happy about it.

To be fair, though, I couldn't care less what she thinks (or says) about me as long as her kids and my son are kept out of it.

TotalChaos · 20/01/2009 11:00

YABU. though I can see why you feel uncomfortable about people knowing before 12 weeks if you didn't want most people too. YANBU about the facebook thing. that is crass.

Original poster
bratnav · 20/01/2009 11:01

so its ok for her to write on her status update:

"exW" is amused that "DP" has managed to get "bratnav" pregnant already.

Is that respectful?

Even people who aren't her friends on FB can see that.

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morningpaper · 20/01/2009 11:03

how long have you been together?

ANamesANameForAThatsTaken · 20/01/2009 11:03

That is a nasty and sneering comment to put on FB, bratnav, but it only reflects badly on her, not you.

Chill, and enjoy your pregnancy!!!!!

HunnyBunnyTigerFeetMummy74 · 20/01/2009 11:04

The more I read the more I can see why you're pissed off

You asked her to keep it quiet, she agreed, then she put that on FB?

Can any of your kids see it?

She's massively out of order.

Rise above, ignore ignore ignore.

Original poster
bratnav · 20/01/2009 11:04

Actually DP and I did chat a lot, hoping that both our exes were going to be ok with this, and trying to work out the nicest way of telling them.

Now, after she has done this, I genuinely don't care how she feels about it. I could have understood her talking to her DP and possibly a couple of friends/family members about it, but the FB thing is frankly unforgivable IMO.

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Original poster
bratnav · 20/01/2009 11:05

MP - We have been together 2 years and have lived together for most of that time.

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