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AIBU?

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Original poster

4 year old boy vs MIL being victorian & bonkers.......

52 replies

pippylongstockings · 19/01/2009 10:38

I have 'spirited' 4 year old boy - for want of a better description. When he's good he's very very good but when he's bad he's horrid.....

I am NOT worried about his behaviour - he is only 4 he doesn't have the emotional maturity to deal with every thing life throws at him and so tears and upset happen. We are consistent in if he has lashed out/thrown a toy he gets time out - ignoring whining, praising good behaviour but it is a long road and some days are better than others.

My MIL however has suggested several things over the weekend that have really upset me.

Firstly, she said we were too soft and the children need to be frightened of us more and she suggested smacking them.

Then she said had we thought about taking my DS1 to see a child physcologist about his 'behaviour'. He threw lego after a tower he had been building toppled over so I removed him and then the lego. My MIL was shocked that he had 'no shame!' and that he would behave like that in front of his grandparents....

She has then yesterday rung to say she's been thinking about things and that we should video DS1 when he is having a tantrum to show him how silly he looks and embarass him about how his behaviour is stupid and not what we do!

I am gob-smacked - he is 4 next week I feel he act's like a happy but lively 4 year old but now my DH is saying that his mum knows stuff and we should take on board her opinion....
I have tried explaining to them that emotions are learnt and he will gain emotional maturity as he get's older but we are not victorian and that hitting children and trying to embarrass them is not how I would wish to parent.

OP posts:
cory · 19/01/2009 10:42

You couldn't get a psychologist to come out and look at your MIL, I suppose? Or video her when she's making silly suggestions to show her how stupid she sounds?

TotalChaos · 19/01/2009 10:43

rofl cory. Yanbu. According to my mum and MIL me and DH never ever had tantrums. Yeah right. Children do act childishly at times.

MillyR · 19/01/2009 10:44

Your son sounds like a normal (nearly) 4 year old boy.

Your methods of dealing with behaviour that you would like to discourage seem consistent and sensible.

He will grow out of it!

nickschick · 19/01/2009 10:44

invite 20 other 4 year old boys round to play when shes there ,actually no invite 20 other boys between the ages of 4 and 14 and she will see its a 8boy* thing

cory · 19/01/2009 10:44

My mother claims me and my brothers were quieter than today's children. Shame she made those tape recordings, eh?

Lauriefairycake · 19/01/2009 10:46

of course your dh is agreeing with the loon, she brought him up.

You are doing the right thing and you sound lovely and calm and consistent.

MIL is bonkers and out of touch.

Children are supposed to act childishly, the clue is in the word.

NotQuiteCockney · 19/01/2009 10:50

It's possible that your DH didn't tantrum. My mother always said I didn't tantrum. Thing is, I didn't tantrum because I didn't feel safe enough to express my anger or unhappiness.

I would nod, say 'hmm' and ignore, frankly.

KTNoo · 19/01/2009 10:51

YANBU.

From the examples you give it sounds to me like you are dealing completely appropriately with the normal tantrums you get from 4 year olds.

We have the same issues with my parents who have let it be known they think we are not strict enough, although they are not as direct as your MIL! They view a tantrum as "bad behaviour" whereas I see it more as an expression of anger and frustration at not having control over your own life. My parents are totally respressed and emotionally stunted which is motivation enough for me to do things differently with my dc.

Not sure if this is much help but wanted to offer support as these people can make you doubt yourself!

How would your MIL respond to being told that you think she is wrong and why?

As for your dh, keep pushing your point. We parent the way we were parented, unless we see a better way to do it.

Original poster
pippylongstockings · 19/01/2009 10:51

Cory - excatley she says that her boys were not like this they were much quieter and happier to play and that it is good for them to have some fear.

She used to have a 'piffle-snoker' - A stick (with a name!) to threaten her kids with!

OP posts:
Egg · 19/01/2009 10:51

My MIL "suggested" DS1 had ADHD (or some form of hyperactivity) when he was about 15 months old as he was a bit boisterous.

She then "suggested" my nephew had it too (from my side of family not hers) when she met him age 4.5 as he was a bit overexcited (stuck in her house with no toys on v rainy day with my DS1 who was chasing him).

From what I have heard her own boys were far from quiet and meek.

TotalChaos · 19/01/2009 10:53

at the piffle-snoker. I would be tempted to call DH's bluff - tell him if he feels that strongly to feel free to talk to HV/GP about your DS's behaviour.

MillyR · 19/01/2009 10:54

My dad makes similar speeches about children today (although not the child psychologist bit).

I see his point in that my son (8 at the time) nailed some pieces of wood to our sitting room floor, which was a very bad thing to do.

But my dad seems to be conveniently forgetting that he cut a girls plait off with a pair of craft scissors when he was in infant school in the 50's. My grandmother, at junior school in the 30's threw another girl into a horse trough full of water. They both turned out okay in the end.

Just ignore these MIL speeches!

Gorionine · 19/01/2009 10:54

I really find it upsetting when people think they know better than you what your Dcs are like.

IMO (from experience actually) when people poke their nose in regarding education, it puts stupid ideas in your head like " what if they are righ?" and "maybe I should deal with things differently?" and inevitably, even for a short time you doubt yourself and do things in a different way that are not comfortable for yourself or your DCs.

In other cases you change your ways when you are arround "those" people to make "them" happy but you crumble inside and loose consistency which causes DCs to start misbehaving.

My advice is keep on dealing with him like you always have. If you are not worrird about his behaviour, it is probably because there is nothing to worry about.

Divineintervention · 19/01/2009 10:56

Of course you should ruin a child's self esteem when they're naughty, along with beating them senseless and shaming them publicly.... great ideas. Then all you have to do when they're older is visit them in prison and make sure they don't steal from you to support a habit. Silly cow (your MIL).

thritbies · 19/01/2009 10:56

rofl at cory and agree with TotalChaos. Silly woman. (your mil obv, not you!)

IdrisTheDragon · 19/01/2009 10:57

NQC I agree with what you said about not having tantrums - "Thing is, I didn't tantrum because I didn't feel safe enough to express my anger or unhappiness".

When DD was having a tantrum last night, I did say to DH that I was glad she could express herself and felt comfortable about doing it (although I was very glad when she stopped )

MrsMattie · 19/01/2009 10:58

She's a MIL. they're often old fashioned and have bonkers ideas about child rearing. Ignore her

Stayingsunnygirl · 19/01/2009 11:01

Oh no - don't ignore her - store up all her batty advice and comments then come and laugh about them here, with us!

I have a friend who is terribly precious about her children - it used to annoy myself and a mutual friend, but now we just make a mental note and smile to ourselves.

plantsitter · 19/01/2009 11:02

Does DH ever behave badly/shout when you are having a row? Perhaps next time you could video him doing it and send the tape to his mother with a note attached saying 'by letting him have tantrums now I am trying to avoid this type of behaviour'.

AMumInScotland · 19/01/2009 11:02

He sounds really very normal for a not-quite 4, and you seem to have a consistent set of rewards and punishments which will have their effect.

Children do have to learn to respect their parents, but not to be afraid of them, and the point of (genuine) tantrums is that the child isn't in control of their reactions at that point, so "embarassment" isn't going to have any effect.

She probably has a very vague memory about what children are like at that age - if your DS was 5 going on 6, then I'd probably agree that his behaviour needed work, but not for 3 going on 4. She probably doesn't recognise the difference, or remember it clearly.

NotQuiteCockney · 19/01/2009 11:03

Oh, I should add - DS1 was a normal (aka lively) toddler when Blair announced he was considering having pre-asbos to get help for kids who were on the path to bad behaviour. MIL suggested DS1 should have one.

He was either at nursery school or at the co-op, either way, we've never had serious problems with his behaviour, at least not by the standards of educational professionals, rather than batty old MILs.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 19/01/2009 11:08

On newyears day my mil declared that we should a get belt and tie dd2 to the highchair with it as she would't/didn't want to sit in it and can undo the straps and get out quite easily. According to mil she should have been made to sit and eat. She is 18 months old

I wonder if I could use the belt to strap up her mouth? She has also smacked her hand before while she was having a tantrum

I told DH that if she ever did it again I wouldn't be taking dd2 there anymore.

naturalbornmum · 19/01/2009 11:10

Ignore her! You sound like a really great mum and your DS sounds like a perfectly normal 4 year old.

Original poster
pippylongstockings · 19/01/2009 11:11

NQC - That is the kind of thing my DH will say that 'he knew better than to have a tantrum' - ie the piffle snoker!

Yes, he has grown up to be a lovely man. If anything he is overly sensitive probably from years of having to repress his emotions!

It is because my DH 'feels' the shame of our DS1 in his parents company that he then thinks we should follow his mother's advice.

How can I tell her to just get off our case?

OP posts:
LucyEllensmummy · 19/01/2009 11:11

lol people do have some strange ideas don't they.

This reminds me of my mum, my DD is 3.5 and quite a challenge (she IS actually spoilt as her dad is over indulgent and i will do pretty much anything for an easy life!). Sometimes when she acts up and we are with my mum she says "OH LEM i just don't know what you are going to do with her" lol - short of give her away and get her back when she has passed this difficult phase, um, not a lot really .

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