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AIBU?

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Original poster

4 year old boy vs MIL being victorian & bonkers.......

52 replies

pippylongstockings · 19/01/2009 10:38

I have 'spirited' 4 year old boy - for want of a better description. When he's good he's very very good but when he's bad he's horrid.....

I am NOT worried about his behaviour - he is only 4 he doesn't have the emotional maturity to deal with every thing life throws at him and so tears and upset happen. We are consistent in if he has lashed out/thrown a toy he gets time out - ignoring whining, praising good behaviour but it is a long road and some days are better than others.

My MIL however has suggested several things over the weekend that have really upset me.

Firstly, she said we were too soft and the children need to be frightened of us more and she suggested smacking them.

Then she said had we thought about taking my DS1 to see a child physcologist about his 'behaviour'. He threw lego after a tower he had been building toppled over so I removed him and then the lego. My MIL was shocked that he had 'no shame!' and that he would behave like that in front of his grandparents....

She has then yesterday rung to say she's been thinking about things and that we should video DS1 when he is having a tantrum to show him how silly he looks and embarass him about how his behaviour is stupid and not what we do!

I am gob-smacked - he is 4 next week I feel he act's like a happy but lively 4 year old but now my DH is saying that his mum knows stuff and we should take on board her opinion....
I have tried explaining to them that emotions are learnt and he will gain emotional maturity as he get's older but we are not victorian and that hitting children and trying to embarrass them is not how I would wish to parent.

OP posts:
ComeWhineWithMe · 19/01/2009 11:13

How old is she ,my Grandma is in her 80's and says things like this .

She told my dsis that her 8 week old was too fat and backward because he never had his eyes open .

We all tend to ignore her and let her waffle on as long as she is not harming or verbally abusive to the children of course .

Can be very annoying sometimes though.

traceybath · 19/01/2009 11:19

My DH never had tantrums either oh and only breastfed for 5 mins every 4 hours and slept through the night from 4 weeks.

However MIL was taking mother's little helpers during this time so i don't trust her memory at all.

Your MIL is mad and looking back through rose-tinted spectacles.

naturalbornmum · 19/01/2009 11:21

My DH never had a tantrum either and never cried as a baby - yawn.

Gorionine · 19/01/2009 11:26

LOl @ 8 weeks old bakward baby!

KTNoo · 19/01/2009 11:28

SheSellsSeaShells, I would have "made" my dcs sit in a highchair at 18 months, not by strapping them in with a belt obviously! There are ways to get them to do what you want without resorting to threats or bribery. If you don't mind your dc making a huge mess and constantly getting down from the table (which is what mine would have done at that age) that's up to you, but I wouldn't have that.

There's a difference between letting them express themselves and letting them call all the shots, imo. Not suggesting you do this, just making a general point.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 19/01/2009 11:31

There is no way on earth that I can make dd2 do anything she is not happy to do. No amount of bribery will work. Obv I would like her to sit in her chair at meals time but if she won't she won't. I don't see what I can do.

She has very headstrong and has a very bad temper. I don't want to make every mealtime a fight, she is a good weight and a good eater in general but sometimes has better things to do with her time.

Gorionine · 19/01/2009 11:35

Have to agree with KTNoo on this one. There has to be a compromise between strapping a child to a chair with a belt and thinking there is actually nothing you can do to get a toddler to answer positivly to his/her parents request.

Blu · 19/01/2009 11:36

My DS never had a tantrum...probably because I never made him sit still in a high chair once he didn't want to eat!

pgwithnumber3 · 19/01/2009 11:37

Ahh, the wondrous age of childhood is the fourth year. I remember it well

YANBU! Obviously you know that and I for one would poke my MIL with my very own MIL "piffle-snoker" if she dared interfere with a normal way of parenting. Your MIL is crazy.

If your DH agrees, tell him to go organise a visit from a child psychologist.

My DD was a horror at age four ESPECIALLY in front of my mum. She has grown out of it now. Children do this, they have phases, obviously your MIL frightened her children too much to remember.

KTNoo · 19/01/2009 11:38

Like I said, up to you obviously. But we are wicked witches in this house and have a "what parent says goes" policy! I hate feeling pushed around by my children. I feel like it will eventually spiral out of control and we'll end up with a situation where they will only eat ice cream in front of the tv and never take a bath. Also we have 3, which makes for more rules.

Each to his own though.

And they are welcome to have a good tantrum if I say no.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 19/01/2009 11:39

dd1 cannot talk yet and I fail how you can reason with a baby?

Maybe I don't try hard enough. dd1 has ishoo's around eating and mealtimes have always been a struggle. I have sat and cried many a time over this. dd2 eats. She actually eats, so tbh I don't give a toss if she eats in her highchair, off the floor or whilst standing nekkid on her head. Because she eats!!!

When she can communicate better with me then things will change. As I will be able to explain to her why she should sit in her chair while we eat, but for now I am happy.

pgwithnumber3 · 19/01/2009 11:40

at SeaShells MIL wanting to belt in an 18 month old. God good, their memories truly fail them don't they. Can they not remember what children were like?

Original poster
pippylongstockings · 19/01/2009 11:40

She is only 60 but never worked - FIL was a very strict victorian type dad but likes to think he was a hip 70's father - he wasn't.

I am really very cross but like the idea of storing up all the crazy things she has said/done as it does kind of put it in perspective......

After all as a working woman I am already 'stealing' a mans job!

Although now I work part-time she has softened on this - but shock horror I still earn more than DH !

OP posts:
KTNoo · 19/01/2009 11:43

Obviously would not make 18 month old stay in highchair once finished eating. But to sit it in to eat at that age is reasonable imo. But point is surely that whatever it is, as long as it is a reasonable thing to expect, they do it if you want them to because you are the parent.

cheekychickenknickers · 19/01/2009 11:44

To the OP YANBU - Children do things - what is important is how you deal with them - and from the sounds of it you are well aware of how to deal with your DS.

My brother has no children and at new year mentioned he was relieved DS1 was becoming more sociable - he had really believed that he had special needs that were undiagnosed - because he doesn't jump to attention the minute we ask he is also not happy 24/7. DS1 is 4 and has always been quite spirited but nothing that would cause concern.

As for highchairs - we have a hardline when it comes to meal times but because we have never waivered from it the boys both sit at the table well - I think it would be hard to introduce it to a family if the child has never had to sit until we had all finished.

KTNoo · 19/01/2009 11:49

SeaShells if ýou are happy with the situation then it's no-one else's business. What I'm saying is if you want her to do something there are ways to get her to do it. You can't reason with her yet but you can distract, or simply be consistent about doing the same thing every time so she eventually knows that is the way it's going to be. We did that with putting dd1 in the playpen so I could have a shower in the mornings when she was a baby. She didn't like it at first but got used to it. I know people who either get a shower in the mornings or don't depending on if their dc with "let" them. There was no way I was doing that - it's not unresonable for a child to stay in a playpen for 15 mins so the mother can have a shower imo. Just an example.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 19/01/2009 12:00

Well she used to stay in her playpen but she has learned how to open it I am buying a bikelock for it asap

I can cope with the crying and whinging but the escaping is not safe!!! She is happy enough in her pen when she realises she cannot get out!!

KTNoo · 19/01/2009 12:09

dd2 (almost 3) is currently illlustrating my point very nicely. She asked for a biscuit. I gave her one of those oreo ones with icing in the middle. She licked the icing off, put the biscuit in the bin and asked for another one. I said she couldn't have another one because she put one in the bin already and that is a waste.

She is expressing herself clearly about my decision, which is fine, but she sure as hell ain't getting another biscuit.

wotulookinat · 19/01/2009 12:23

The joys of old folk, eh? My mother says my son (2) is really naughty and that none of her 5 kids ever did anything wrong, EVER. My FIL says that my son is such hard work because DH was so it is God's way of punishing DH
In actual fact, DS is a lovely little boy who (i) loves my parents and gets very excited when he sees them and (ii) doesn't like my in-laws and cries when he sees them.

cory · 19/01/2009 13:24

The thing is we are all going to get to enjoy perfect children- in retrospect

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 19/01/2009 13:26

I don't think anyone will ever forget just how bad dd2 is

Spirited would be one way of putting it, but monsterous would be more accurate. Though she is getting better as her communication gets better.

choccynutter · 19/01/2009 13:39

just come out with it tell her to bk off ... if you don't want to take this route why take her along to a toddler group there plenty that cater up to 5 yrs ...just so she can see its normal 4yr old behavior ... goodness how would she cope with my ds2 he's 4 and has ASD and frequently has moments where his little mind goes into overdrive so appears to be the worst child ever but i jst bite the bullet and get on with and really couldn't give a toss what anyone thinks anymore and yes i would the same if he was'nt ASD my ds1 isn't (6) and can be a stroppy so and so at times and he is at the age he knows better ... but they do it to test you that what children are for lol chin and ignore you mil ... but let her witness other 4 yrs lol ... she might faint or sumthing thoe

kickassangel · 19/01/2009 13:48

actually, dd didn't have temper tantrums at 2 - she was lovely. then, at age 4, she became a little more independent, and she is certainly learning to express her own opinions at age 5!!
people saying caring for a baby is the hardest job in the world, but she was one of the most peaceful lovely babies i've ever encountered (and i come from a big family with lots of younger cousins i saw all the time). i LONG for the days when she was younger.

i shall remind her of this on a daily basis if/when she ever has kids of her own.

to op - you ds sounds fine. i think dh is prob worried cos it's hard to think your parents are wrong & he sounds like he wants to please them. which is very sweet of him, but annoying

oldraver · 19/01/2009 14:31

I think we need MILBO's

stealthsquiggle · 19/01/2009 14:47

OP - I can see why your DH is getting paranoid - this is the sort of thing HVs are (generally) good at - could you get DH to talk to the HV and get some objective reassurance?

I have to say having had DS who is/was always angelic at other people's houses / in the presence of visitors, DD, who just doesn't care, is coming as a bit of a shock - I put her in 'timeout' 3 times during one lunch at PILs yesterday - SeaShells - we did make DD eat at the table at 18mths (she could get down - no way we could stop her - but couldn't take food with her) but then both DC have always eaten well, so I can entirely see why you would 'pick your battles'.

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