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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

They are better off wtihout me

74 replies

LucyEllensmummy · 17/01/2009 12:07

I think i have managed to screw my partners business up for him (ironically when it was just starting to look like he could make a go of it!). I am just losing the plot with my DD and can feel my relationship with her drifting away with her - this happened with DD1 and now its irrepairable.

I told DP i would help him with the business but have just fucked things up by not keeping on top of the accounts and it is looking like im going to cost hime nearly 2K in tax due to my uselessness.

IVe given him nothing but shit since DD born - and now things are going wrong with her, just about the same time they did with DD1 - i can feel myself withdrawing.

Please don't spare my feelings as i just want brutal honesty.

I have tried to be the big "i am" and pretend that i could do things that i can't and the sad thing is that it is now biting DP in the bum, and he is being really sweet about it - im thoroughly ashamed of myself, its weird, i feel dirty even.....like some sort of disgusting slime.

I don't deserve my wonderful family and think i should leave before i ruin them. I would kill myself, but i don't have the guts

OP posts:
downbutnotout · 17/01/2009 12:10

Can't let this go unanswered - it sounds to me as if you may be suffering from depression, though I am no expert. Please get help for this from wherever you can - GP is a good place to start. No-one children's are better off without their parents and NO-ONE is better off dead. Thinking of you and hope you get help.

Lizzylou · 17/01/2009 12:12

LEM, get some help, please.
Your DP is with you because he loves you, you are not useless, you made a mistake, you are human.

MsG · 17/01/2009 12:13

Oh no, you sound so low and so against yourself... You've made a mistake or a few mistakes - we all do that! If your DP is being nice about it then he isn't judging you as harshly as you are yourself! Try not to be so hard on yourself. Are you struggling in general - are you suffering from depression maybe? I am sure there is a solution to the financial situation. I think it's common to feel you are withdrawing from your children at times - can you speak to your GP or a health visitor or someone? Please don't think about leaving your family or killing yourself - if you feel really desperate, phone a helpline - but I do think you sound as though you could be depressed and perhaps need some help. xx

Original poster
LucyEllensmummy · 17/01/2009 12:13

Im on ADs and in counselling - i was doing ok, but now its all caved in - dp is out but will be back soon - im actually thinking about just running for it as his niceness is crippling - i want him to hit me scream at me - but of course he wont

OP posts:
Clarissimo · 17/01/2009 12:13

why the £2k in tax? Is it a done deal or are you anticipating missing the Jan 31st deadline?

Does seem like its depression, PND if since dd was born? You need to seek help because they do need you and will suffer if you leave them.

You need to speak to a GP MOnday if you can wait until then; now if not. You deserve more than you are giving yourself and that satrts with a GP appointment I think.

Clarissimo · 17/01/2009 12:14

why the £2k in tax? Is it a done deal or are you anticipating missing the Jan 31st deadline?

Does seem like its depression, PND if since dd was born? You need to seek help because they do need you and will suffer if you leave them.

You need to speak to a GP MOnday if you can wait until then; now if not. You deserve more than you are giving yourself and that satrts with a GP appointment I think.

Clarissimo · 17/01/2009 12:14

Your meds etc still need reviewing if you feel so bad.

psychomum5 · 17/01/2009 12:14

please please please don;t feel like this.......you are not dirty, and you are not ruining lives (altho you would if you left, so stop thinking that!).

I think you sound very depressed, and as tho there is some significant past history with your DD1 that you are terrified is going to be repeated, which might if you beat yourself up over what happened rather than get help.

I think you need to go to see someone, be it doctors or counceller.

please seek help tho.........I feel so sad that you are feeling like this.

bubblagirl · 17/01/2009 12:18

LEM don't be so hard on yourself we cant do everything right and its ok to make mistakes if your dp can forgive you then you need to forgive yourself

maybe go and see your gp you do sound depressed and remember you don't have to be wonder woman and do everything your family will still love you regardless

your family would be lost without you you may not feel that but you are the rock in your family you may have made few mistakes don't we all were human go easy on yourself and enjoy what you have but go see your gp

big hugs remember your no use to your family dead they'd rather have you then be without you i make mistakes all the time they love us regardless were human xxxxxxxxxxx

bubblagirl · 17/01/2009 12:19

sorry just saw your on ad's and having counseling give yourself time forgive yourself its ok to feel guilt but don't be so hard on yourself about it your dp doesn't hate you for it so don't hate yourself

mazzystartled · 17/01/2009 12:20

lem, we all cock up now and again
it will be ok
you are loved by your dh and dd, never underestimate how much they need, love and want you

Original poster
LucyEllensmummy · 17/01/2009 12:23

I am just so ashamed of myself, ive been on ADs for nearly two years and we have been talking about me stopping them - fat chance of that eh.

I just feel like everything is rushing around my head, like monsters trying to peck their way in - this is not very nice at all.

Im trying to carry on, ive been trying to tidy up all the mess ive made trying to look for bank statements but i think i threw them away because this is what i did with official looking letters - i have let my DP down and he deserves better.

Im not going to kill myself, please don't worry about that, but i just want to go to sleep. This is shit but it is my own doing so i should try and put it right, but where to start where where where whre whree

OP posts:
RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 17/01/2009 12:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

morningsun · 17/01/2009 12:30

hi lucyellensmummy
there is a symptom in clinical depression where you feel your insides aregoing bad,feel dirty etc youcould have this .Also feeling everything is hopeless and feeling worthless.
Please go to dr on monday and say whats wrong.
Are you sleeping ok and eating?
We all make mistakes and misjudgements and get out of our depth.Maybe you are sensitive and try to help others and feel bad if you think you have let them down~because you care.
Also relationships with our dcs change all the time~and from good to bad,then back to good.If i had a nights sleep forallthe worries i had over my relationship with my vpfb i would be a very well rested woman.He is nearly grown up now and totally sweet and loves me to bits~but how many times i thought he might hate me,etc i can't recall!
Don't be so hard on yourself,talk to dp,have a bath,see dr

Original poster
LucyEllensmummy · 17/01/2009 12:38

dp has gone out to see his friend about some work, there is just mess everywhere and i dont know where to start to clear it up and DD is in my head "play play play" hitting me and pulling me - i just want this to stop.

OP posts:
Original poster
LucyEllensmummy · 17/01/2009 12:40

I can't believe i have slipped back, i thought i was better - i am scared now, and ashamed and just feel dead inside. I just want quiet and peace and nothingness. How did this happen, i felt fine yesterday, i was at my counsellors on tuesday saying how i thought i was doing ok and she said i had come on in leaps and bounds - i told DP LAST NIGHT - its ok, im better now - if only he knew

OP posts:
morningsun · 17/01/2009 12:42

its just you're not better all the time yet maybe?
are you on meds lem?

MsG · 17/01/2009 12:42

Depression can be like that, though, feeling ok one day and then dreadful the next. It doesn't mean you are getting worse and worse - could be a bad day. Try not to panic - what support do you have nearby? Can anyone come over to help out a bit whilst your DP is out? xx

BitOfFun · 17/01/2009 12:45

There is NOTHING that can't be fixed. Tell him you feel like shit, get an accountant to sort the mess, and think clearly for a minute. Do you really think any man wouldn't rather have his wife than two bloody grand?
You need to get to the docs asap- ring nhs direct now if need be, or the Samaritans. You are loved, and I know your depression is clouding your judgement, but people need you darling. Please get some RL help sweetheart x

Original poster
LucyEllensmummy · 17/01/2009 12:48

Im OK - he'll be back soon (i hope - he has a habit of disappearing on a saturday, who can blame him eh)

Im on citalopram 40mg, i have some busperone on not supposed to take it but im just going to have one - it will help, i hope.

Need to get a grip, DD in tears but i can't bear to help

OP posts:
Original poster
LucyEllensmummy · 17/01/2009 12:50

I don't know where to start bitoffun - its all my own fault, trying to be something im not, we have an accountant but i usually prepare the books, half the receipts are missing (his fault!) but the records are down to me, but i can't change it - i just want to crawl under a stone. I dont feel my insides are rotten, its like they are full of dragons

OP posts:
Original poster
LucyEllensmummy · 17/01/2009 12:52

How can they need me? i don't do anything for them

OP posts:
Clarissimo · 17/01/2009 12:55

Dh is on the same meds but his GP takes 6omg; maybe you need that.

Or maybe its abad day- we all have them, not to would be inhuman perhaps?

Sign up for internet banking if you can- statement viewable online (and mine goes backwards as well) for free.

Has ddh got a hulahoop? Throw it in the living room; tidy up the area that lies within it. When you're ready, throw again. You'll be moving forwards and actuallya chieving something.

MsG · 17/01/2009 12:56

Of course they need you - you are not seeing clearly at the moment because you feel so down. I think you need to try to talk to your DP about how you are feeling. As BitOfFun said, please get yourself some real life help.

xx

BitOfFun · 17/01/2009 13:01

you need some company, please ring someone! I'm in the car now so my typing on phone is crap. I'll check back on you later love. Of course they need you- they love you. You don't have to "do" anything x x x