They are better off wtihout me

[LucyEllensmummy]

I think i have managed to screw my partners business up for him (ironically when it was just starting to look like he could make a go of it!). I am just losing the plot with my DD and can feel my relationship with her drifting away with her - this happened with DD1 and now its irrepairable.

I told DP i would help him with the business but have just fucked things up by not keeping on top of the accounts and it is looking like im going to cost hime nearly 2K in tax due to my uselessness.

IVe given him nothing but shit since DD born - and now things are going wrong with her, just about the same time they did with DD1 - i can feel myself withdrawing.

Please don't spare my feelings as i just want brutal honesty.

I have tried to be the big "i am" and pretend that i could do things that i can't and the sad thing is that it is now biting DP in the bum, and he is being really sweet about it - im thoroughly ashamed of myself, its weird, i feel dirty even.....like some sort of disgusting slime.

I don't deserve my wonderful family and think i should leave before i ruin them. I would kill myself, but i don't have the guts

LEM everything you've stated here can be worked through - you need to ease up on yourself first and yes, whilst you might have made some mistakes they really really can be sorted.

Hi LEM, I cocked up the books too, or at least I thought I had, it was all sortable. Just ring your accountant he/she will tell u its ok and how to sort that out.

I recently had my bank send me 6 years worth of bank statements, its not a prob, and actually u will have saved your dps buns because the accountant can use the info on it to estimate / sort out the missing receipts that he has lost.

As for any problems with your kids as long as you stick around problems can be sorted.

I know it may seem at the moment like the last thing you need is solutions to the problems, but that is a classic sign that your meds need a bit of jiggling.

It sounds to me as though you have been doing a fantasic job, really getting somwhere and now you have hit a big problem that you feel is your fault and it has thrown you off balance.

Everything is going to be fine.

Don't wait till monday ring your GP now if its like mine you will get the out of hours gp and an appointment today.

KKQ xxxxxxx

You are important. You are needed. You are the only person who can be their mum. If your DD is stressing you put tv on. everything is going to be fine.

LEM - I am the daughter of a depressive parent (my dad is also on citalopram): please believe me that however bad things seem to you, your dd still needs you and wants you.

Then: just try to deal with things one at a time: don't try to be a superhero!

First: is there someone who can take your DD out of your hair, even for a couple of hours to allow you some peace? Neighbour, friend, grandparent?

Then you can work out the best way forward with the finances: if you use internet banking you can usually get your records online going months back. Otherwise just ask the bank to send them again - they get this kind of request all the time, so it won't be a problem for them.

Also, my dad has been on citalopram and various other ADs for years, and it sounds like you need a drug review with your GP.

I do hope that you manage to keep going and move on: your DP obviously loves you, so tell him what's happening and use the support that he can give you.

You'll be in my thoughts.

Thankyou everyone - right now I feel like my head is going to explode. I need to distance myself from it for a while i guess. The worse that can happen is DP has to pay too much tax - ive just been "sacked" as he is going to get a book keeper, on his friends suggestion - so i guess i can go back to worrying about the washing up I know i have no right to feel angry about that, but i do a bit.

Of course u have every right, after all he doesn't know how stressed you've been trying to think how to sort it !

Drink tea and eat cake. Ring gp. Smile.

We are all still here for u.

kitkatqueen - if you make me some cake, i'll eat it - no pressure or anything!

Cyber cake on route now - its chocolate - let me know if u like it!

Hey Lem, Just think "schools out for summer" all that weight gone and soon the sun will be shining!! You can take dd to the park without that niggle of oh but i should be doing paperwork!!

Bugger it!! you've got better thing to do.

KKQ xxxxxx

LEM - hope you are feeling a bit better this afternoon. I just wanted to give you this link to samaritans. The number will not appear on your phone bill. They can offer continued support not just one off calls. You can email them or write to them if you feel unable to speak your words of pain out aloud. All kinds of people ring for all kinds of reasons. You don't need to be suicidal to call. If you are feeling suicidal the samaritan you speak with will not try and dissuade you from carrying out your plan as they believe in the right to self-determination. They will however support you emotionally and would be able to offer to call help should you need it/ask for it.

LEM-My mum suffered (suffers) from severe depression, during my childhood she spent several long spells in hospital with bi-polar with manic episodes and anorexia she thought she was the devil incarnate and that the world (and us) would be better off without her. It was all bollocks. We needed her then and we need her now. She's our mum and we love her. I went, and still do go through tough times with her but that is her illness NOT her.

Depression is cruel. It distorts your own view of yourself. I notice you say you've ruined your relationship with DD1? Many yaers ago my mum and I would've said the same thing but we do now have a relationship. I won't lie, it's not always an easy one but she is in my life an dI'm glad. Maybe bridges can be built eventually?

You are not useless and your family would not be beter off without you. I think you should get some help.

Please don't think you are worthless. It is obvious that you love your family.

You made a mistake - who doesn't?

There is some good advice here. Please let us know how you get on.

Hi LucyEllensMummy

You have made a mistake, we all do it occasionally. Don't feel sacked or got at he is trying to help by taking off some of the pressure (I wish someone would do that for me sometimes).

Reading your posts I can hear the depression talking not the person iyswim. YOu can get through this, please go talk to your GP and see if you can get a meds review.

Not sure if I am allowed to post this here but there is a website called dealing with depression. Everyone there either suffers from depression or supports someone who suffers from depression. No one judges and everyone there has a vast wealth of knowledge they are more than happy to share. If you want any extra help or support you are more than to join the group it maybe that some one there can point you in the right direction by sharing their experiences with you.

Take care of your self and please keep talking as in my experience it really does help.

LEM

Hope you are doing ok. I get depression so understand where you are coming from. I think two major things help when I am at crisis point

1. to tell those close to me how I feel

YOur DP sounds a good bloke. He will be much happier that you talk to him

1. Look after myself (early nights, decent food less chocolate/crap/tea/alcohol) for a few days.

My mum too had depression and left us for a few months when I was 11 because she thought she was doing more harm than good being there. She was wrong. we missed her terribly and were so pleased when she came home again. Your family love and need you faults and all

Just wanted to thank you all - that was a scary moment, or series of moments - that took me back two years to when my depression first surfaced. I did take some of the extra meds i have been given even though my doc told me not to take them any more . But we went out, had tea, bought DD a book and i feel OK.

I am still cross with myself but can see that actually some of the fault lies with DP. HE should have provided me with the info/receipts as i needed them instead of me having to nag him and then not want to ask because i coudlnt cope with him gettig stressed. He did shout at me a bit today because i think he thought, oh no, here we go again - but im OK now. Better at least - i recognised that i am just reacting, well over reacting to a stressfull situation and just because i am stressed about it (who wouldnt be) doesn't mean i have got sick again. I just let it all get on top of me for a bit there - I can't do that, i just have to deal with it the best i can and make sure that the same mistakes don't repeat themselves.

I would never leave my DD, she is being very difficult lately and that is adding to my stresses but thats just her age i guess (shes a threenager!).

I do feel very tired now and nothing i can really do with the accounts til monday so i will leave it until then and stress about it then i think. I still have time to sort it out - don't i?

The only thing that worries me is that the mistakes i have made almost make DP fruadulent, surely they can't "DO" you for an honest mistake?

and breath,sorry to hear things got on top off you.understandably you feel low but this is affecting your judgement.

the money will hurt,ouch that has gotta hurt BUT no amount of money is worth loss of much loved,witty,funny,MUM and WIFE. you have a PhD,you are an accomplished woman

ok so you are both scatty with invoices can you right to Tax and explain oversight,ask for extension

do you have CMHT worker,what about crisis team.dont keep this bottled up.better out than in

LEM, give an accountant or the Inland Revenue a call on Monday - DH has a practice and sees clients for free for their first appointment. Sometimes a bit of advice is all they need, others want all their books and tax returns doing for them. It honestly isn't that expensive, we have lots of small as well as big clients and most just want to concentrate on running their businesses without being bogged down with the bits you're doing. My real point is that you don't need to struggle with it if it's not for you.

I hope you're feeling better.

Hi LEM just wanted to say that I had a similar situation a couple of years ago with depression & because I couldnt cope i binned the paperwork & DH got hit with tax bill but I actually wrote to them & explained it was my fault through the depression thing & they were ok about it and gave him extra time to submit returns. They are human after all & I'm sure if you explain it will be ok. Don't be so hard on yourself, I've been there & it will get better. Might be worth changing your meds though, I tried a few before finding the right one that worked for me. Take care, you're in my prayers x

LEM.
You are going to hate me, as I am going to be brutally honest, but I think I can, as I have followed you (with sympathy for you and your family's situation) the last few years. (QuintessentialShadows here)

However, did you just now start preparing your annual accounts? The dead line for paying corporation tax was 1/01/09 for last accounting period, was it not?

If you are to receive a 2k tax bill, this means your partners firm has made some profits? Or is the tax bills due to lacking receipts and you have not filed expenses?

Have you claimed back VAT on expenses?

Can you look everywhere for as many receipts and invoices as you can and incorporate these in your next VAT return so you get some money back, and also include them in your annual accounts this year to get your profits down a little?

You need to speak to your accountant on monday.

Did you not realize you need to keep bank statements and open "official" letters? You have a duty to keep them for 10 years. But this is salvagable, so you can ask the bank to send you copies.
If you do online banking, the onus is ON YOU to download and manage your statements, this is easily done in excel. However, by the sound if it, you shouldnt give yourself too much extra work at the moment, you are much too fragile.

However, I pretty much blame your partner. He is the boss. It is his business. He should keen an eye on you, manage you, and ensure not only that you do your job, but that you are able to do it, by him ensuring you have all the receipts and invoices.

This is not a job you can do with a demanding child around. You need peace and quiet, and some "head space". You need your own work space, where you can file all your paperwork, and have it easily accessible.

Managing company accounts from home, in "your own" time is a hard and responsible job. It requires time and quiet, and space to do it. Is dd going to her preschool sessions?

You CAN sort this. Get a head start tonight after dd is in bed, with your dp, look for the paperwork, and speak to the accountant on monday. You CAN do this. You CAN see through the fog of your head. You know you are intelligent, you better believe it too!

dont think there was anything but good advice in that post QS.very thorough

You do need to hand this stuff over just now as you sound too fogged by depression to sort it. Get yourself some help, share your worries and let people help you. We are all here for you too- but please get some support in real life. You are the most important person in your husband and family's life, and you need to be ok so that they are ok, so start believing it! Thinking of you x

Your husband and daughters love you. You have tried to repay them by working so hard and trying to cope with everything. Fall back on your Dp and family tell them the truth, move on, take each day at a time, but please try to enjoy your life and family. MN is here if you need it, but honestly is best with your family. Thinking of you xx