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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be somewhat peeved that DP's family have arranged a family event on Mothers`Day

59 replies

idlingabout · 14/01/2009 12:54

Background: DP comes out after 'phone conversation with his parents saying they are planning a Golden Wedding lunch on 22nd March and he had agreed the date as he hadn't wanted one of the other dates but now realised it was Mothers'Day. Before I had a chance to question he went all defensive and said '' well surely a Golden Wedding trumps Mothers'Day ! ''. Now this date is about 3 weeks before their actual anniversary soI reasonably asked him why it couldn't have been the following week-end and was told well that wasn't convenient for something his brother was doing. Effectively, the dates had all been discussed between his parents and his 2 siblings and he was then presented with 2 options - almost fait-accompli.( They do this sort of thing all the time )
To make matters worse he has just been told that we are expected to pay for this event (there are non-family guests)and this was never discussed with Dp at all. We are happy to pay but would have liked to have been consulted at the outset instead of yet another fait-accompli. If I had known this I would have made more of a fuss over the date.
So now we will have to get up early on Mothers' Day (no lie-in) we live about 3 hours away, spend an interminably boring Day with them and pay for it all too.
No-one has even thought that I might just have wanted to see my own mother which will now be totally impossible.

OP posts:
OhBling · 14/01/2009 12:57

Mmm, I think YABsomewhatU. I understand your frustration but tend to agree that golden wedding beats mothers' day. You can always do something with your mother on another day - eg the Saturday.

But, it does sound like this is just the final in a long list of things you have an issue with.

MorrisZapp · 14/01/2009 12:59

Mothers day is a no win situation however you look at it though.

Most of the mums on here will have mums of their own, plus their DP will have a mum etc etc.

Which mum gets the pampering? My own mum expects that it will be her, and always forgets that my sister is also a mum, and that my dear old gran expects to be treated too.

Surely you can have a lie in on any day, if your DP is willing to mind the kids? Who cares what the calendar says.

Bink · 14/01/2009 13:00

If this weren't typical of them, you would I'm sure realise arranging a once-in-a-lifetime event like a Golden Wedding takes priority over something like Mother's Day that comes round every single year. (And how BU you are, I'm afraid - this time.)

BUT can you insist, as quid pro quo with your dh for you going along with this without complaint, that your dh makes a real effort to deal with the ongoing ambushing/railroading etc. that happens generally?

nickytwotimes · 14/01/2009 13:05

Mothers' Day is a pita, tbh.
Yanbu to be peeved that your feelings were ignored, but Mothers' Day really isn't that important IMO.

Oh, yadnbu to be oeeved about the pYING WITHOUT ASKING THING.]

Sorry - caps lock!

misshardbroom · 14/01/2009 13:07

YANBU about the fait-accompli element of the whole thing.

YABU about it being on Mothers' Day, it's not really the end of the world.

MadMarg · 14/01/2009 13:08

OP - YANBU at all to be upset, but I think in this case you have to deal with it, Golden anniversaries are once in a lifetime.

Mothers day in Australia and the US happens 2nd Sunday in May. Why don't you plan a treat for yourself and/or your mum, and go and spend a day somewhere 'Australiany' and have a different mothers day! Or if you feel like a real splurge - treat yourself to a weekend in the US!!!!!

fircone · 14/01/2009 13:18

Good idea from MadMarg. But if a weekend break in NY is out of the question (!!!!!!!) your dh could do home-made burgers and milkshake (or Manhattans).

And I do think YA a bit U. It's a Golden Wedding. Just suffer it. But I understand on the being railroaded cost-wise. Dh's brother wanted to pull out all the stops for the pil's Golden Wedding, and suggested such wild things as sending them to Venice on the Orient Express. Choke! I told dh that I would walk out if we had to contribute bil's £1,000 suggested contribution.

I understand how a spouse can feel torn. I know that dh always feels guilty and then gets cross with me if he has to turn down his brother's extravagant ideas for family venues.

Piffle · 14/01/2009 13:20

I always defer to my MIL about Mothers Day
I simply think it's a crock of over commercialised and vilely sentimental shit.

VinegarTits · 14/01/2009 13:24

I agree with Piffle

herbietea · 14/01/2009 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

nametaken · 14/01/2009 13:30

YABU - you've been invited to a special event, either you can go, or you can't because you're doing something else.

However, I'm that you have to pay for it. Surely people should pay for their own golden wedding celebrations!!!

TheCrackFox · 14/01/2009 13:35

Is your DH splitting the costs with his siblings or is he paying for everything. If it is the latter I would tell them to shove it up their arse.

DesperateHousewifeToo · 14/01/2009 13:45

Mother's day is a very over-comercialised day and just gives restaurants and flower shops an excuse to raise their prices. Waste of money - but don't tell my dh I said so

Think you are being a tad unreasonable but suspect it is because of the history with your in-laws.

madwomanintheattic · 14/01/2009 13:50

Ah. speaking as someone who organised dd2's christening for mother's day a few years ago (also our wedding anniversary and the first day of spring lol) i don't really feel able to comment. (but i will )
all the mummies who came to church got daffodils though x
sorry - i think yabu.
how lovely, a golden wedding!

ohdearwhatamess · 14/01/2009 13:50

YANBU about the paying for it, having it arranged without you, side of things.

YABU about Mothers Day. Never seen the point of it myself. Even if there was some point to it, a Golden Wedding would trump it every time.

wotulookinat · 14/01/2009 13:53

I don't think you are being inreasonable at all. Yes, a golden wedding might trump Mothers Day - if it was actually on Mothers Day. But it's not.

OrmIrian · 14/01/2009 13:58

I rarely get to do anything special on Mother day. I usually end up cooking lunch for my mum and MIL. Joyful

I sympathise but I think you have to accept it with a good grace.

ellenjames · 14/01/2009 14:24

YABU about the date i can't stand commercial crap like this and valentines day etc, but YANBU about having to pay for it!

loobeylou · 14/01/2009 14:31

YANBU, have had same with ILs organising something for Mothers day. Just because they never celebrated it much, can't see why i might want the day to just me, dh and the kids (and memories of a DC we lost). It grates that I am made to feel like it is no big deal. It is the one day (OK birthday too if I am lucky) that DH and kids will make a fuss of me .

Would have thought they would want to avoid a meal out on Mothers day though, as place will be PACKED and everywhere bumps their prices up that weekend. Would THAT info get them to swop the date!?

cory · 14/01/2009 14:36

Well, you're not the only mother involved, though. His mother is a mother too, so there is a double reason he should celebrate her if it is also close to their Golden Wedding.

missblythe · 14/01/2009 14:38

You have to pay for it all? Why?

Also, could your Mum come too? Then you could see her on The Day, and have her to talk to instead of just your inlaws, upon whom you sound none to keen.

pleasechange · 14/01/2009 14:43

The paying for it is the bit that would make me , so YANBU about that

When my MIL turned 60, she invited a load of us to a restaurant but everyone had to pay for themselves. She's loaded and could have well afforded it, also we didn't exactly have any choice in the matter

OneLieIn · 14/01/2009 14:48

Agree with a lot YAB a bit U. Get the day before to be yourvery own mother's day and make sure dh spoils you. As for your mum, send her sthg and make an arrangement to see her thefollowing weekend.

It is only a day after all, my dh swears it was designed by the cardmakers toboost profits!

Original poster
idlingabout · 14/01/2009 14:55

Thanks for all the comments - I realise that the actual dtae of Mothers'Day is not the biggest deal but it is the total lack of acknowledgemnt from the ils that I might even be affected that really grates plus all the fait-accompli stuff.
There will be about 30 people there, only 14 of whom are immediate family and we are expected to split the cost of the whole thing with dp's brother, sister and parents (4 -way split). We are a family of only 3 people by the way.
I too always thought that if people want to celebrate their anniversaries then they should pay for it. I have been happily unmarried to dp for over 25 years!

OP posts:
JodieO · 14/01/2009 14:56

If Mother's day is commercial crap then surely anniversaries are also the same? Especially the "big" ones as it's just more money making cons surely? It's just another year and happens every year, same difference imo. Mother's day does have historical roots at least, unlike Father's day for example.

If they didn't consult you and expect you to pay I would just laugh and say I couldn't make it. I wouldn't want to spend time, let alone Mother's day, with such inconsiderate people. Life is too short to waste on people you don't want to be around imo.