To be somewhat peeved that DP's family have arranged a family event on Mothers`Day

[idlingabout]

Background: DP comes out after 'phone conversation with his parents saying they are planning a Golden Wedding lunch on 22nd March and he had agreed the date as he hadn't wanted one of the other dates but now realised it was Mothers'Day. Before I had a chance to question he went all defensive and said '' well surely a Golden Wedding trumps Mothers'Day ! ''. Now this date is about 3 weeks before their actual anniversary soI reasonably asked him why it couldn't have been the following week-end and was told well that wasn't convenient for something his brother was doing. Effectively, the dates had all been discussed between his parents and his 2 siblings and he was then presented with 2 options - almost fait-accompli.( They do this sort of thing all the time )
To make matters worse he has just been told that we are expected to pay for this event (there are non-family guests)and this was never discussed with Dp at all. We are happy to pay but would have liked to have been consulted at the outset instead of yet another fait-accompli. If I had known this I would have made more of a fuss over the date.
So now we will have to get up early on Mothers' Day (no lie-in) we live about 3 hours away, spend an interminably boring Day with them and pay for it all too.
No-one has even thought that I might just have wanted to see my own mother which will now be totally impossible.

My in-laws ruby wedding anniversary fell on Mothers' Day. My mum was totally understanding that of course we had to go to the in-laws on that day as it was such a big occasion. Would your mum not also be understanding ... after all you can go and see her any time, surely you don't have to leave it to Mothers' Day?

In general I don't bother with anniversaries- but the Golden Wedding is special!

I don't really understand what you think they should have done instead. Their son wasn't even aware that it was their GW so hadn't planned anything for them. They ended up organising their own party, gave him a choice of dates and he picked one. He didn't say he couldn't do that day so how are they supposed to know its not convenient? Maybe your dhs view is sought last because he is not pro-active in organising events and forgot it was their anniversary. Maybe the siblings have been helping with the arrangements so will naturally have more of a say.

As for the payment, It wouldn't have occurred to me to ask my ILs to pay for their own Silver Wedding meal, but then I wouldn't have expected them to have to organise it either.

Redsky - my mum won't make a fuss at all and yes, of course I could arrange something else.
I will have to go - it would be an over-reaction not to. I was just wanting everyone's views as to whether I wbu about feeling peeved regarding all the fait-accompli aspect and the total lack of acknowledgement that holding the event on Mothers' Day might just present me with difficulties.
Of course, I don't expect them to change anything now but to have considered our family at the same level they consider everyone else.
I didn't post that I was furious as it is not that extreme - I was just resentful and want to get it out of my system.
The variety of posts have shown me that it might be possible that DP's parents were expecting something to be arranged for them (doubtful, but possible)and might have expectations of which we are unaware. That's a whole other thread though about families who don't communicate what they really want and expect people to divine things for themselves.

no idea they had a Golden Wedding coming up "because DP doesn't keep up with these things with his family"

This makes me feel so, so sorry for his parents - can you imagine living a life where your own children just blank out your life milestones?

It does give some context to your experience of being railroaded. Perhaps his parents have given up on hoping he'll notice them in any other way.

It sounds as if DP is generally hopeless at that kind of thing because it is noticeable that his parents and siblings discussed it and then gave him the choice of date. If he wants things to suit in the future he needs to be the pro active one. He really should have realised that it was coming up. I would presume he ignored the Silver and Ruby ones-otherwise it would have given him a clue. He is very lucky to have both parents able to celebrate.

what were you going to do on MD?

is it your 1st one?

tbh YABU - its a day that you can all meet, WA are important, and if a family party ( tho in laws) then cant your mum come as well

dh and i took out my mum,mil, sil (who was a mum) last md

cost - if you can afford it,then agree nice for the siblings to split the costs to show parents that you care, and its a celebration of many years together

A good point-if my PIL were having a Golden Wedding Party my mother would be invited anyway. Do your families not mix?

Sorry was going to leave the thread to peter out as I pointed out earlier that all the different views have helped me get the peevishness out of my system.
But to answer Piscesmoon and others - no the two sets of parents have only met a handful of times.They live a couple of hundred miles away from each other.
Neither family gets together on a week in week out basis as none of us live less than 1 hours drive from any other (most more).
My mother will be fine as she will probably see both my sister and brother on the day, just not me.