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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be somewhat peeved that DP's family have arranged a family event on Mothers`Day

59 replies

idlingabout · 14/01/2009 12:54

Background: DP comes out after 'phone conversation with his parents saying they are planning a Golden Wedding lunch on 22nd March and he had agreed the date as he hadn't wanted one of the other dates but now realised it was Mothers'Day. Before I had a chance to question he went all defensive and said '' well surely a Golden Wedding trumps Mothers'Day ! ''. Now this date is about 3 weeks before their actual anniversary soI reasonably asked him why it couldn't have been the following week-end and was told well that wasn't convenient for something his brother was doing. Effectively, the dates had all been discussed between his parents and his 2 siblings and he was then presented with 2 options - almost fait-accompli.( They do this sort of thing all the time )
To make matters worse he has just been told that we are expected to pay for this event (there are non-family guests)and this was never discussed with Dp at all. We are happy to pay but would have liked to have been consulted at the outset instead of yet another fait-accompli. If I had known this I would have made more of a fuss over the date.
So now we will have to get up early on Mothers' Day (no lie-in) we live about 3 hours away, spend an interminably boring Day with them and pay for it all too.
No-one has even thought that I might just have wanted to see my own mother which will now be totally impossible.

OP posts:

ThingOne · 14/01/2009 14:56

YANBU at fait-accompli.

YABU at thinking Mothers' Day in any way comparable to Golden Wedding. Arrange your own special MD, maybe the day before?

JodieO · 14/01/2009 14:59

I don't see why a wedding anniversary is such a big deal really, all it marks is another year of marriage, plenty of people never get married but spend their lives happily together. I've never got the whole anniversary thing tbh. If they want to celebrate it then that's their decision but why should everyone else too when they have other plans and be expected to pay for it?! Madness.

OrmIrian · 14/01/2009 15:18

Thinking more about this, my DH was told that we were paying for my parents Golden Wedding lunch (split with my DB and his wife). OK, it wasn't a surprise as he knew in a advance. But I suppose he might have felt pissed off about it too, as might SIL. But it never occured to me that they would. In our eyes family celebrations are important. And in DH's family too.

PrimulaVeris · 14/01/2009 15:23

Sorry, I think Golden Wedding is far more important than MD - and I am a great MD fan! Good grief it's 50 years of marriage - MD is every year. Some families just don't 'do' MD - my own dh's don't - and I guess it probably was difficult to get a date.

I'd be a bit annoyed about paying ... but if it's your dh's family, and you haven't said you can't afford it so I guess it's an "they should have consulted" issue? I wouldn't let that get in the way of the day but maybe your dh needs to be more assertive when dealing with his family.

MadamDeathstare · 14/01/2009 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cory · 14/01/2009 15:29

My take is that the people who are paying should get to plan it. We - siblings and their partners- did a meal for my parents' GW. They would have been hurt (and understandably so) if we could not have set our own plans for the day aside, but did not expect to have a say on the menu.

georgimama · 14/01/2009 15:31

I'm quite shocked how many people don't think that they and their adult siblings should treat their aging parents, who are probably pensioners, when celebrating special occasions.

My mum's 60th birthday dinner, we three children split the cost between us. Equally, PIL's Golden Wedding dinner, DH and his brother split the cost.

Why wouldn't you want to do this? I can understand not being able to, but I don't get the "if people want to celebrate their own anniversaries they should pay for it" part.

OrmIrian · 14/01/2009 15:33

Agree georgimama. When my grandparent were alive my parents did loads for them. I am working and don't have time to do anything much. I was pleased to be able to do this for them.

mylifemykids · 14/01/2009 15:56

YABU

Maybe the IL's thought it would be nice to celebrate it on mother's day so they can see their children (if they live 3 hours away I'm assuming you don't see them very often anyway?)

Have MD on another Sunday, no big deal!

We organised a surprise silver wedding party for my parents and split the cost between me and my siblings. It was the decent thing to do after all they'd done for us over the years

pleasechange · 14/01/2009 16:01

georgimama - I guess it depends on the parents. I'd definitely want to treat my parents, as they are endlessly kind, thoughtful, loving and caring parents. But this is probably why they wouldn't expect it anyway.

DH's parents are on the other hand really quite mean, frequently thoughtless and forget his birthdays. Yet it was MIL who expected to be treated

Original poster

idlingabout · 14/01/2009 16:09

To add to the 'paying'issue, DP's parents are quite well-off and could easily have afforded to pay for it all.
Some of you have suggested seeing my mother the day before but she lives 4 hours away in the other direction so that is no option.
I agree that under normal circs then a Golden Wedding is a bigger event but this event is not happening on the week-end of their anniversary but 3 weeks earlier - for the convenience of other members of the family. So, the message I get is that it is ok to inconvenience me but not to inconvenience the others. Of course, all this could perhaps have been avoided if they were to ever consult DP first instead of last.
Because of distance , I don't usually see my mother on Mothers'Day but this year I had hoped to as she has just recovered from Breast cancer. What will probably happen is that my sister will invite them to stay (she lives between us all)so that my brother can visit on the day too; I will be the only one not there. I am sure this will happen that week-end as it will also tally with my brother's birthday so they will want to kill a number of birds with one stone and not likely to choose another time.

OP posts:

jicky · 14/01/2009 16:29

Your dh wouldn't have had to be consulted if he had spoken to his siblings about doing something for the GW! If it has only just come on your radar 2 months before the event, maybe his siblings think he would rather just pay his share and not organise it? Maybe they did mention doing something about it too him ages ago and he just gave a vague reply about doing something, but then didn't contact them?

For my PIL GW a few years ago I made my dh contact his siblings at least 6 months in advance to start planning. He is one of 3 boys, and I expect all of them would have left it until a month or 2 before - even at the date we started planning we couldn't get our first choice of hotel.

Since you don't normally see your Mum on mothers day, did you explicitly tell everyone this was what you wanted to do this year ? Your own families plans still seem quite fluid.

But then I'm a great one for organising people early if there is something that I want to do - so that things that I really feel are important happen. And my dh never accepts weekend invitations with out discussing it with me.

Triggles · 14/01/2009 16:33

As I was reading this out loud to DH, he stated "why doesn't she go and spend the weekend with her mother and let him go to the dinner with his parents?" Is that a possibility for you?

georgimama · 14/01/2009 16:37

Treating people isn't about whether they can afford things for themselves though. I can afford things for myself but my mum likes to treat me and vice versa.

As jicky said, your husband wouldn't have been ambushed if he had taken the initiative to organise something himself.

Original poster

idlingabout · 14/01/2009 16:42

The siblings didn't organise the event, the parents did. They consulted him after agreeing dates with the others. They never discussed the payment issue with him at all but his Dad claims he did. Sorry, my op didn't make it clear that this all happened a few weeks before Christmas; I've been stewing on it since then hence finally posting here to see what you all thought.

OP posts:

TooFoggy · 14/01/2009 17:23

If you want to make a stand then this would be idea, a polite reply saying you wont be attending as its Mother's Day.

cheshirekitty · 14/01/2009 20:32

I think mothers day should be about pampering the younger mums who are run off their feet with the little ones. They are the ones who need looking after.

This is a hard one. Maybe have mothers day the weekend before, where you can be pampered?

SummerNights · 14/01/2009 21:42

If your own mother has just recovered from breast cancer I think you should go and see her on mother's day this year.

My mother too has had breast cancer and is forever saying things like 'this may be the last ... ' because she is scared of it recurring. Your mother may well be the same and would really appreciate you all making an effort on mothers day.

Can your dh explain this to his family to see if they will rearrange the date and if not he should go on his own.

piscesmoon · 14/01/2009 21:56

I think that a Golden Wedding is a very special, once in a lifetime thing that a lot of people are not lucky enough to reach! I would have thought that DH would have wanted to make it special for them. The sensible thing would have been to got together with siblings some time ago and worked out what sort of party you were going to hold for them. That way you could have had a date and venue that suited you. I should cherish them while you have them-mother's day is very commercial-have your own the following Sunday.

piscesmoon · 14/01/2009 22:00

Unless the 4th Sunday in Lent has great significance for you and you need the church date for Mothering Sunday, surely the Sunday either side are just as easy to make special-have a lie in and see your mother.

wheresthehamster · 14/01/2009 22:15

Wow what a dp you have! How did he realise that was Mother's Day without being reminded???

I think you know that you are being a teensy bit unreasonable

cat64 · 14/01/2009 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

piscesmoon · 15/01/2009 07:51

This isn't the first thread like this-where a big family milestone is coming up and nothing is done about it so in the end the person themselves comes up with something and then everyone moans about the date, venue etc! I have to say it is usually complaints about the in-laws. Were you just intending to send a card and present and ignore it?
My FIL had a big birthday very near Christmas. The Christmas of the year before DH and I discussed it and agreed that the date would be impossible because we are over 200 miles away, and we would like it to be earlier. At Easter we mentioned it to BIL and SIL and we agreed that we would do it earlier and pencilled in vague possibilities. In September we chose a date to suit us both and decided on a lunch (FIL now getting elderly for evening)at a lovely country pub. We then discussed it with PIL to check that they were happy with it. We asked a few other people and booked. Everyone paid for themselves, we split the cost of PIL, with BIL. It was a lovely day, FIL loved it,it didn't cost too much and it was when we wanted it. We didn't do nothing-wait until they came up with a plan in December and then moan!!
If you know a celebration is coming up-think about it the year before!

OhBling · 15/01/2009 09:54

are you the only mother, outside of MIL, in the family? You are upset because you haven't been considered, but surely assuming that DP has neices/nephews etc, there are other mothers who hvae just taken the approach that this is a bigger event?

Original poster

idlingabout · 15/01/2009 10:01

Interesting how many different opinions there are.
I had no idea they had a Golden Wedding coming up because DP doesn't keep up with these things with his family. I have to say neither of us have 'anniversaries' on our radar as we are not married so it is not something we think about really. Birthdays, on the other hand I remember without fail.
I realise Cat64 that it looks like I am changing things in my post - I haven't meant to mislead just trying not to have to write an essay as DP wasn't clear why certain more appropriate dates weren't available. It is true that he is partly responsible and has been very defensive about it (as I indicated in op) but I really can see why when this is one of many instances where his view is always sort last or countermanded by others at a later date whose committments are viewed as 'more important'. There has also been no apology whatsoever from anyone in his family for presenting him with the fait-accompli on the payment issue.
When my parents celebrated their Golden Wedding a few years ago they organised a small family lunch which they paid for. We all focussed on getting them a nice present. It seemed to be a 'given' that anniversaries are the responsibilty of those whose anniversary it is.

Wheresthehamster - I was somewhat stunned that he had worked that out for himself thus wrong-footing me .

OP posts:

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