to be upset over dh's long lost daughter?

[doggyandteddy]

Long story.... DH's 1st marriage, had a daughter, they split up when she was baby and he went to work overseas. Before he went he signed a legal document giving up his parental rights for her and he signed their house over her mother.
She is now 13 and last week contacted him for first time thru friends reunited. We always knew she would come looking for him one day and decided it would be her decision, not him showing up there....
He now is saying that he wants to start paying money to her every month, maintainance. He is frightened that the ex-wife will send csa after him and he will have to pay back payments... Now he is also saying he wants to go and meet her, we live in scotland and she is on south coast, so will be an expensive trip with transport and hotels etc...
I know it is right for dh to pay for his own kid, but... I feel really unhappy about the whole thing.
In the space of a week I have gained a step-daughter and lost £50+ a month of our money plus the cost of this trip, all at a time when I thought we were getting sorted financially. I know it's not the daughter's fault but AIBU to be feeling upset about this?

[pamelat]

doggyteddy - if you go in to this together your relationship will be much stronger.

Your DH needs you at a time like this, and he may well feel more comfortable meeting his DD with you around. Although obviously at first its more about whatever DD wants, she has been completely innocent in all of this and I really feel sad for her (whatever the reasons were).

[lalalonglegs]

TBH, I would be quite upset that my husband had made no attempt to keep in touch with or support his daughter since he walked away from the marriage. I think you are quite normal to feel unsettled by it but worrying about hotel bills - although it gives you something to focus on - is a bit petty.

Assuming that your dsd wants continued contact, the very worst thing you could would be to discourage your husband or moan about it any way. Distance means that contact is going to be occasional for the foreseeable future so it's a case of working on a very big smile and making the poor child feel welcome.

[lalalonglegs]

TBH, I would be quite upset that my husband had made no attempt to keep in touch with or support his daughter since he walked away from the marriage. I think you are quite normal to feel unsettled by it but worrying about hotel bills - although it gives you something to focus on - is a bit petty.

Assuming that your dsd wants continued contact, the very worst thing you could would be to discourage your husband or moan about it any way. Distance means that contact is going to be occasional for the foreseeable future so it's a case of working on a very big smile and making the poor child feel welcome.

[lalalonglegs]

TBH, I would be quite upset that my husband had made no attempt to keep in touch with or support his daughter since he walked away from the marriage. I think you are quite normal to feel unsettled by it but worrying about hotel bills - although it gives you something to focus on - is a bit petty.

Assuming that your dsd wants continued contact, the very worst thing you could would be to discourage your husband or moan about it any way. Distance means that contact is going to be occasional for the foreseeable future so it's a case of working on a very big smile and making the poor child feel welcome.

[lalalonglegs]

TBH, I would be quite upset that my husband had made no attempt to keep in touch with or support his daughter since he walked away from the marriage. I think you are quite normal to feel unsettled by it but worrying about hotel bills - although it gives you something to focus on - is a bit petty.

Assuming that your dsd wants continued contact, the very worst thing you could would be to discourage your husband or moan about it any way. Distance means that contact is going to be occasional for the foreseeable future so it's a case of working on a very big smile and making the poor child feel welcome.

[nametaken]

LOl at signing away your parental responsibilities.

It'll probably be a lot more than £50 a month too. Isn't it 15% of salary?

[lalalonglegs]

I meant to add: Good luck, the next few months will be difficult but could, possibly, be very rewarding. Apologies for triple post.

[doggyandteddy]

Have read all your posts and I agree I am being unreasonable in some ways. I know I am focussing on the money side, maybe I'm just looking at that to avoid the real issues.
I have tried really hard to be supportive of dh and "held his hand" while he spoke to his ex to check she is ok with all this. And when he asked me if I minded him visiting I said it's fine, go whenever you want and make sure you budget for treats etc for the 2 of you while you are there.
It's just a really difficult thing for me to deal with at the moment, I am sitting here in tears and I don't know why.

[Wonderstuff]

TBH I would be worried about a man who can just walk away from his children, but I guess 13 years is a long time ago and he thought he was doing the best thing?
I can understand you worrying about money and about how this affects you and your dcs but she is his daughter and you are going to have to get used to it. I think Haribosmummy is wise.

[Haribosmummy]

You are in shock... It'll pass...

Even though you KNEW this was a possibility, it's something you never thought of...

It'll get easier, I promise.

Be part of her life, and it won't seem so alien

HM x

[LongLostDoughter]

Just to give a pov from the other side.........

Identical story, my real father split from my mum when i was 6 months old, they divorced, he ran off to join the merchant navy

Have had no contact from him in 37 years, it really screwed me up in my teens and as a result had many years of severe depression that lasted into my mid twenties.

I know he has remarried and has another family now but I can imagine how his wife must feel, knowing he has another child out there.

But please support your dp in this. It is ESSENTIAL for his daughter to know where she came from, if she looks like him, has the same talents, likes, whatever,

Also from a practical side, if there is anything medically from his side that could affect her.

I felt for a long time completely adrift and it is onl;y since starting my own family that I have been able to resolve those issues, and finally feel like a 'complete' person.

Sorry for the ramble

[thornyrose]

Ivy is right - CSA can only backdate from the time they contact you. So if he had no contact from the CSA 13 years ago then the payments will be based on the date she contacts them now. The actual date maintenance will worked out from is the date you receive the MEF (maintenance enquiry form). So do not worry about receiving a huge bill.

I would suspect he is still liable to pay maintenance till she leaves FT education. But as you have two children already, that will reduce the payments as will having his dd stay overnight.

Name Taken - He can sign away his PR rights (ie give the mother all rights over the child) its not a funny turn of phrase.

I think you are justified in feeling a bit scared. I would in your position. Anybody who has had dealings with the CSA as a non resident parent has every right to feel nervous IMO

[Idrankthechristmasspirits]

Um actually you can "sign away parental responsibilites" in certain very rare circumstances.
It doesn't sound as if this has been the case here though simply because it would have been a significant event which would have had to go to court and there would be paperwork that the op would probably have seen by now.

YANBU to feel apprehensive about this. Anyone would.
All i would say is that you need to make sure that everything is agreed properly with the childs mother re maintenence, contact etc. That way you can adjust your budget accordingly and everyone knows what is expected.
Re your husbands daughter, be gentle with yourself, don't expect an immediate bond and don't be upset if it is awkward at first. You are strangers to each other and need time to get to know one another.

Best wishes.

[LongLostDoughter]

oh ffs, that should be LongLostDaughter ,goddamnit

[lalalonglegs]

No one likes the fact that their husband has a past with significant relationships before them and those relationships will feel threatening if they suddenly resurface. Think about the child involved and how having your family in her life might be constructive. It's difficult when you don't know her, are worried about what her motives might be but, imo, 13 is quite young, she's unlikely to be too cynical about her reasons to get in touch and it could eventually be a positive. £50 is the bare minimum your dh should be offering. He should get his story straight about exactly why he walked away and what he is prepared to do for her now and be prepared to honour any promises he makes when reunited.

[thornyrose]

Work out your payments here at CSA website

[doggyandteddy]

Hi Longlost. Thanks for your post. I'm sure she has wondered "where she came from" too. I hope once everything settles down that I can welcome her into our family.

[Wonderstuff]

Maybe you need to think best case scenario rather than worst? She may be lovely, your dcs may make great friends with her, she may have found your dh early enough for him to have a really positive impact on her life. Its not like she is coming to live with you or that you are losing your dh. He won't love you and your dcs any less. You will have a bit less money, but its not forever is it?

[troutpout]

Aww poor girl
i do see where you are coming from tbh too...i can see what an upheaval it must be...it's been a bit of a 'sleeper' for ...but always looming i expect.
Please try and embrace this though...for your own childrens sake too...they will probably want to meet their half sister.
i'm glad your dh is finally doing the right thing in trying to make up for the loss of a father to his girl.
You can do it doggy

[belcantwait]

hi i am sorry i really havent read the whole thread but actually i think yanbu. i have been where you are. dh brought up his first son until he was 18 months old then had no contact with him til dss got in touch with him about 5 yrs ago. we knew it would prob come at some point but it was a shock. he was about 9 at the time. tbh i found it really really hard esp the thought of dh going to see his ex as much as anything else. its been hard going as ds1 (who was 5 at the time of first meeting him) found it very hard to adjust. this was the first he had known about his half brother.
now though it is brilliant, dss is great, very close to his half siblings (mine and dh's kids) and tho we dont see him often (he lives abroad) its always very 'easy' when he comes. it hasnt always been that way and for a while i admit i felt 'pushed out' esp when he first came to stay with us and he and dh were getting to know each other.
so far no resentment has come out from him and dh has started mentioning to him little things about when he was a baby to let him know he was around and that that time was special to him.
hth a little bit.

[doggyandteddy]

Thanks lala, maybe that's part of the problem for me, is understanding the whole thing. He has talked about his past a lot but I still have difficulty understanding the whole thing. Maybe that's what I'm afraid of, that he hasn't explained it all properly and there are more skeletons in the closet.
I never really wanted to keep raking over the past before, like I said we have had our ups and downs and I thought we had reached a stage where he had dealt with his "issues" so it wasn't necessary to keep on about it, that's why I left it.
At the end of the day, these are his issues not mine... it's his past and I can't change it. Personally I can't understand many of the events he has talked about.

[fondant4000]

It must be quite a shock for you. If you've had a hard time, it's not surprising that it shakes your security a bit - it would do that even if everything was fine.

Just wanted to say that my father got back in touch with me when I was 13. He gave me £20 a month - for clothes etc. I really appreciated it, and it made a lot of difference to how I felt about him then, and afterwards.

However, I did not want him back in my life as a my dad as such (I already had a stepfather). I have kept in contact him, mostly by phone and occasional visits, since that time 30 years ago.

He had a younger family of his own, who I call my brothers, but I only see them about once a year.

I wouldn't worry that his dd is going to take him away, or that he is going to be pulled away from you. But it will make a very big difference to his daughter's life.

[Stonehenge]

It will be alot more than £50. My brother is only on £13k a year and he pays almost £40 a WEEK. It would be more but they take into account how many times he has his kids over night. Therefore, if your sd does not sleep overnight with her dad at least once a week, they will make him pay more.

I feel for you, I would be so upset in this situation and I think anyone who says they wouldn't is lying.

Of course your immediate concern is your own family, you, DH and your own kids and this situation is going to change everything.

Hope you get through this ok, horrible situation x

[Haribosmummy]

I just want to add... YOUR reactions (Not his, not his DD) are not unreasonable.

He has to establish a relationship
She has to figure how how she feels about it all...

You are on the sidelines, supposed to be supportive, but likely to be told to back off etc.,

You are going to feel apprehensive...

But, it might all work out OK....

And FWIW, her mum has to take some responsibility for deciding she wanted 100% responsibility... She was obviously complicent in him not being in his daughter's life.

[troutpout]

They aren't just his issues though are they Doggy?... He is your partner and the father of your children so they are affecting all of you now. I think you perhaps need to talk to him more...and find out the whole story.
Good luck