to be upset over dh's long lost daughter?

[doggyandteddy]

Long story.... DH's 1st marriage, had a daughter, they split up when she was baby and he went to work overseas. Before he went he signed a legal document giving up his parental rights for her and he signed their house over her mother.
She is now 13 and last week contacted him for first time thru friends reunited. We always knew she would come looking for him one day and decided it would be her decision, not him showing up there....
He now is saying that he wants to start paying money to her every month, maintainance. He is frightened that the ex-wife will send csa after him and he will have to pay back payments... Now he is also saying he wants to go and meet her, we live in scotland and she is on south coast, so will be an expensive trip with transport and hotels etc...
I know it is right for dh to pay for his own kid, but... I feel really unhappy about the whole thing.
In the space of a week I have gained a step-daughter and lost £50+ a month of our money plus the cost of this trip, all at a time when I thought we were getting sorted financially. I know it's not the daughter's fault but AIBU to be feeling upset about this?

[mistressmable]

YABU. Please remember she is his DD. You don't explain why he agreed to give up parental responsibility so I am assuming he is selfish?

[doggyandteddy]

THat's true trout, any suggestions for how to get him to tell the whole story. He isn't much of a talker and has difficulty discussing difficult issues!! I realise that is not an excuse but any suggestions....

[brokenrecord]

Not much help except to say I sympathise, but I just wanted to add that I have also read that it is not possible to sign away important rights such as parentage and parental rights - any such document would be null and void. (Read it with respect to gay women asking a father for sperm and agreeing that he could sign away his rights - it just can't be done and he can still be held responsible for maintenance, etc.)

[troutpout]

mmm difficult...i know how you mean...i have a brother who is just like this. Very deep indeed.
how about writing him a letter?. Sounds silly perhaps...but it gives you the opportunity to say it without becoming too emotional and perhaps means that he can't brush off the question so easily?
Or asking him in a formal way?...ie 'i need talk to you tonight about something which is affecting all of us'. Give him a warning...so he knows its coming maybe.And make it clear that there will be no judgements... but that you just want to be in the picture so that you know best how to support him and his girl.
He owes you this tbh

[solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain]

The 'singing away rights' thinkg might have been agreeing that the girl's mother's new partner could adopt her. DOn't be too quick to condemn the bloke for agreeing to that; it might have seemed the best idea at the time.

Take it all slowly, OP. Best-case scenario is an extension of the family and some new nice people in your lives.

[edam]

YANBU to feel completely at sixes and sevens but you would be unreasonable to be anything other than supportive to dh and welcoming to his dd.

Look for the good things - your kids may well have gained another person who will adore them, given a bit of time and space. Not the same situation because we always knew about each other but I have a much-younger half sister and it's a standing family joke about how much my other sister and I have always spoilt her rotten and fought her corner when it's been necessary.

[edam]

whatever the law says now, this was 13 years ago and rules may well have been different then.

[Surfermum]

It doesn't necessarily follow mistressmable that because he walked away he's selfish. Some women make it so damned difficult to have contact with a child that some men wonder whether it is better for the child to walk away.

I think if it were me D&T, I would want to know more about the circumstances of him agreeing to not have any involvement.

I can understand how you've been thrown by her sudden appearance. I can remember have a few wobbles when the time came for dh to start having contact with his dd (he'd had to fight through the courts to get it). I worried about how it would affect our relationship, how she'd be with me, how I would find being a step-mum to a 4 year old when I didn't have a child of my own.

But I have to say, apart from the aggravation from her mum and her then partner, it was great, and dsd is a fantastic sister to dd, and nothing but a blessing to our family (with a few teenage strops thrown in). She's part of dh and I don't think we would have been a complete family without her.

[dsrplus8]

surfer what a great story, op your husbands daughter is a new member of your family, accept it,enjoy it and remember she is only 13, and this is a big scary thing for you and your dh, he doesnt know her yet, they're soon to be blossiming father-daughter relationship is an added extra, yes it will be at times expensive and a drain on the finances, but it will be worth it in the long term.how your DH will adore you for welcoming his little girl with open arms, that could only strenghen your relationship with your dh. hes most likely to be deep down terrified as well, this is a time for you to be supportive and strong for him.you sound likeyour in shock, the possibility of another child in your life is different from the reality.but shes young enough for you both have a real bond with her. i susspect that in a years time you'll be posting and boasting about your fab step-daughter!

[Surfermum]

I think you might find you feel differently too when you have met her and she becomes a "real" person to you IYSWIM. I know I did.

[cremeeggs]

speaking as someone who's dad disappeared from her life at age 10 and has never ever made any attempt to make contact even though i know he's still alive and not living far away, I think you should also consider the impact on this other child. It will be devestating for her if her newly found dad refuses contact/support in fairness to you and your dc. Not knowing your dad and feeling rejetced by him has a lasting impact on your life and it's not pretty. please consider her feelings and remember that you and he are the adults in this situation so it's up to both of you to find a modus vivendi everyone's happy with. remember she's also your children's half-sister - I never knew my dad's other child and have spent my whole life imagining I see him on buses etc and it does my head in!!