to be upset over dh's long lost daughter?

[doggyandteddy]

Long story.... DH's 1st marriage, had a daughter, they split up when she was baby and he went to work overseas. Before he went he signed a legal document giving up his parental rights for her and he signed their house over her mother.
She is now 13 and last week contacted him for first time thru friends reunited. We always knew she would come looking for him one day and decided it would be her decision, not him showing up there....
He now is saying that he wants to start paying money to her every month, maintainance. He is frightened that the ex-wife will send csa after him and he will have to pay back payments... Now he is also saying he wants to go and meet her, we live in scotland and she is on south coast, so will be an expensive trip with transport and hotels etc...
I know it is right for dh to pay for his own kid, but... I feel really unhappy about the whole thing.
In the space of a week I have gained a step-daughter and lost £50+ a month of our money plus the cost of this trip, all at a time when I thought we were getting sorted financially. I know it's not the daughter's fault but AIBU to be feeling upset about this?

[cremeeggs]

speaking as someone who's dad disappeared from her life at age 10 and has never ever made any attempt to make contact even though i know he's still alive and not living far away, I think you should also consider the impact on this other child. It will be devestating for her if her newly found dad refuses contact/support in fairness to you and your dc. Not knowing your dad and feeling rejetced by him has a lasting impact on your life and it's not pretty. please consider her feelings and remember that you and he are the adults in this situation so it's up to both of you to find a modus vivendi everyone's happy with. remember she's also your children's half-sister - I never knew my dad's other child and have spent my whole life imagining I see him on buses etc and it does my head in!!

[Surfermum]

I think you might find you feel differently too when you have met her and she becomes a "real" person to you IYSWIM. I know I did.

[dsrplus8]

surfer what a great story, op your husbands daughter is a new member of your family, accept it,enjoy it and remember she is only 13, and this is a big scary thing for you and your dh, he doesnt know her yet, they're soon to be blossiming father-daughter relationship is an added extra, yes it will be at times expensive and a drain on the finances, but it will be worth it in the long term.how your DH will adore you for welcoming his little girl with open arms, that could only strenghen your relationship with your dh. hes most likely to be deep down terrified as well, this is a time for you to be supportive and strong for him.you sound likeyour in shock, the possibility of another child in your life is different from the reality.but shes young enough for you both have a real bond with her. i susspect that in a years time you'll be posting and boasting about your fab step-daughter!

[Surfermum]

It doesn't necessarily follow mistressmable that because he walked away he's selfish. Some women make it so damned difficult to have contact with a child that some men wonder whether it is better for the child to walk away.

I think if it were me D&T, I would want to know more about the circumstances of him agreeing to not have any involvement.

I can understand how you've been thrown by her sudden appearance. I can remember have a few wobbles when the time came for dh to start having contact with his dd (he'd had to fight through the courts to get it). I worried about how it would affect our relationship, how she'd be with me, how I would find being a step-mum to a 4 year old when I didn't have a child of my own.

But I have to say, apart from the aggravation from her mum and her then partner, it was great, and dsd is a fantastic sister to dd, and nothing but a blessing to our family (with a few teenage strops thrown in). She's part of dh and I don't think we would have been a complete family without her.

[edam]

whatever the law says now, this was 13 years ago and rules may well have been different then.

[edam]

YANBU to feel completely at sixes and sevens but you would be unreasonable to be anything other than supportive to dh and welcoming to his dd.

Look for the good things - your kids may well have gained another person who will adore them, given a bit of time and space. Not the same situation because we always knew about each other but I have a much-younger half sister and it's a standing family joke about how much my other sister and I have always spoilt her rotten and fought her corner when it's been necessary.

[solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain]

The 'singing away rights' thinkg might have been agreeing that the girl's mother's new partner could adopt her. DOn't be too quick to condemn the bloke for agreeing to that; it might have seemed the best idea at the time.

Take it all slowly, OP. Best-case scenario is an extension of the family and some new nice people in your lives.

[troutpout]

mmm difficult...i know how you mean...i have a brother who is just like this. Very deep indeed.
how about writing him a letter?. Sounds silly perhaps...but it gives you the opportunity to say it without becoming too emotional and perhaps means that he can't brush off the question so easily?
Or asking him in a formal way?...ie 'i need talk to you tonight about something which is affecting all of us'. Give him a warning...so he knows its coming maybe.And make it clear that there will be no judgements... but that you just want to be in the picture so that you know best how to support him and his girl.
He owes you this tbh

[brokenrecord]

Not much help except to say I sympathise, but I just wanted to add that I have also read that it is not possible to sign away important rights such as parentage and parental rights - any such document would be null and void. (Read it with respect to gay women asking a father for sperm and agreeing that he could sign away his rights - it just can't be done and he can still be held responsible for maintenance, etc.)

[doggyandteddy]

THat's true trout, any suggestions for how to get him to tell the whole story. He isn't much of a talker and has difficulty discussing difficult issues!! I realise that is not an excuse but any suggestions....

[mistressmable]

YABU. Please remember she is his DD. You don't explain why he agreed to give up parental responsibility so I am assuming he is selfish?

[troutpout]

They aren't just his issues though are they Doggy?... He is your partner and the father of your children so they are affecting all of you now. I think you perhaps need to talk to him more...and find out the whole story.
Good luck

[Haribosmummy]

I just want to add... YOUR reactions (Not his, not his DD) are not unreasonable.

He has to establish a relationship
She has to figure how how she feels about it all...

You are on the sidelines, supposed to be supportive, but likely to be told to back off etc.,

You are going to feel apprehensive...

But, it might all work out OK....

And FWIW, her mum has to take some responsibility for deciding she wanted 100% responsibility... She was obviously complicent in him not being in his daughter's life.

[Stonehenge]

It will be alot more than £50. My brother is only on £13k a year and he pays almost £40 a WEEK. It would be more but they take into account how many times he has his kids over night. Therefore, if your sd does not sleep overnight with her dad at least once a week, they will make him pay more.

I feel for you, I would be so upset in this situation and I think anyone who says they wouldn't is lying.

Of course your immediate concern is your own family, you, DH and your own kids and this situation is going to change everything.

Hope you get through this ok, horrible situation x

[fondant4000]

It must be quite a shock for you. If you've had a hard time, it's not surprising that it shakes your security a bit - it would do that even if everything was fine.

Just wanted to say that my father got back in touch with me when I was 13. He gave me £20 a month - for clothes etc. I really appreciated it, and it made a lot of difference to how I felt about him then, and afterwards.

However, I did not want him back in my life as a my dad as such (I already had a stepfather). I have kept in contact him, mostly by phone and occasional visits, since that time 30 years ago.

He had a younger family of his own, who I call my brothers, but I only see them about once a year.

I wouldn't worry that his dd is going to take him away, or that he is going to be pulled away from you. But it will make a very big difference to his daughter's life.

[doggyandteddy]

Thanks lala, maybe that's part of the problem for me, is understanding the whole thing. He has talked about his past a lot but I still have difficulty understanding the whole thing. Maybe that's what I'm afraid of, that he hasn't explained it all properly and there are more skeletons in the closet.
I never really wanted to keep raking over the past before, like I said we have had our ups and downs and I thought we had reached a stage where he had dealt with his "issues" so it wasn't necessary to keep on about it, that's why I left it.
At the end of the day, these are his issues not mine... it's his past and I can't change it. Personally I can't understand many of the events he has talked about.

[belcantwait]

hi i am sorry i really havent read the whole thread but actually i think yanbu. i have been where you are. dh brought up his first son until he was 18 months old then had no contact with him til dss got in touch with him about 5 yrs ago. we knew it would prob come at some point but it was a shock. he was about 9 at the time. tbh i found it really really hard esp the thought of dh going to see his ex as much as anything else. its been hard going as ds1 (who was 5 at the time of first meeting him) found it very hard to adjust. this was the first he had known about his half brother.
now though it is brilliant, dss is great, very close to his half siblings (mine and dh's kids) and tho we dont see him often (he lives abroad) its always very 'easy' when he comes. it hasnt always been that way and for a while i admit i felt 'pushed out' esp when he first came to stay with us and he and dh were getting to know each other.
so far no resentment has come out from him and dh has started mentioning to him little things about when he was a baby to let him know he was around and that that time was special to him.
hth a little bit.

[troutpout]

Aww poor girl
i do see where you are coming from tbh too...i can see what an upheaval it must be...it's been a bit of a 'sleeper' for ...but always looming i expect.
Please try and embrace this though...for your own childrens sake too...they will probably want to meet their half sister.
i'm glad your dh is finally doing the right thing in trying to make up for the loss of a father to his girl.
You can do it doggy

[Wonderstuff]

Maybe you need to think best case scenario rather than worst? She may be lovely, your dcs may make great friends with her, she may have found your dh early enough for him to have a really positive impact on her life. Its not like she is coming to live with you or that you are losing your dh. He won't love you and your dcs any less. You will have a bit less money, but its not forever is it?

[doggyandteddy]

Hi Longlost. Thanks for your post. I'm sure she has wondered "where she came from" too. I hope once everything settles down that I can welcome her into our family.

[thornyrose]

Work out your payments here at CSA website

[lalalonglegs]

No one likes the fact that their husband has a past with significant relationships before them and those relationships will feel threatening if they suddenly resurface. Think about the child involved and how having your family in her life might be constructive. It's difficult when you don't know her, are worried about what her motives might be but, imo, 13 is quite young, she's unlikely to be too cynical about her reasons to get in touch and it could eventually be a positive. £50 is the bare minimum your dh should be offering. He should get his story straight about exactly why he walked away and what he is prepared to do for her now and be prepared to honour any promises he makes when reunited.

[LongLostDoughter]

oh ffs, that should be LongLostDaughter ,goddamnit

[Idrankthechristmasspirits]

Um actually you can "sign away parental responsibilites" in certain very rare circumstances.
It doesn't sound as if this has been the case here though simply because it would have been a significant event which would have had to go to court and there would be paperwork that the op would probably have seen by now.

YANBU to feel apprehensive about this. Anyone would.
All i would say is that you need to make sure that everything is agreed properly with the childs mother re maintenence, contact etc. That way you can adjust your budget accordingly and everyone knows what is expected.
Re your husbands daughter, be gentle with yourself, don't expect an immediate bond and don't be upset if it is awkward at first. You are strangers to each other and need time to get to know one another.

Best wishes.

[thornyrose]

Ivy is right - CSA can only backdate from the time they contact you. So if he had no contact from the CSA 13 years ago then the payments will be based on the date she contacts them now. The actual date maintenance will worked out from is the date you receive the MEF (maintenance enquiry form). So do not worry about receiving a huge bill.

I would suspect he is still liable to pay maintenance till she leaves FT education. But as you have two children already, that will reduce the payments as will having his dd stay overnight.

Name Taken - He can sign away his PR rights (ie give the mother all rights over the child) its not a funny turn of phrase.

I think you are justified in feeling a bit scared. I would in your position. Anybody who has had dealings with the CSA as a non resident parent has every right to feel nervous IMO