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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that some posters on other threads are too darn precious about their children

87 replies

purepurple · 09/01/2009 14:22

well really! Some children get bitten/ pushed/ kicked/ hit/ looked at by other children at nursery. Bloody well get over yourselves! Rant over. Normal service is now resumed

OP posts:
MumofMagnus · 09/01/2009 16:45

Clearly there can be rough and tumble between children in which case joyfuleyes approach is all very well. But the instance being discussed was a 9 month old being bitten so hard on the face that it bled.

Are you really saying it is far better to let your little innocent bite, scratch and punch without any challenge or facing up to the fact they have caused another child upset?

It is great you have such a robust no nonsence attitude with your own children but it is a bit much to regard everyone else as 'fussing hysteria' if their baby or child is injured and they expect a simple acknowledgement of the fact. Children will grow up into adults and the sooner they learn the basics of what is expected in life the more empathetic and well rounded they will be.

I totally agree with the 'there there, kiss it better and off you go' for the hurt child, but the one who hurt them should also be told 'no, its naughty to bite/scratch/pull x, look you hurt them, say sorry/give them hug' and at the same time (depending on age) look to parent and say sorry about that. No one is expecting a formal investigation just straightforward manners and some boundaries for children, that is hardly 'fussing hysteria' and the alternative is no one taking any responsibility and letting a child grow up half feral as this is 'natural' behavious.

I totally sympathise with the mother of an overly affectionate child but still think everytime your child hurts another there should be a 'sorry' - its only one word.

Original poster
purepurple · 09/01/2009 16:51

mumofmagnus, while I respect your opinion, biting is not "naughty". Look up the definition of naughty in the directionary. As for apologising for your child's behaviour, you are not responsible, they are free thinking individuals in their own right. You do not own them or control them in any way, they act independently of you.

OP posts:
Original poster
purepurple · 09/01/2009 16:51

obviously I meant a dictionary

OP posts:
MumofMagnus · 09/01/2009 17:14

"...you are not responsible, they are free thinking individuals in their own right. You do not own them or control them in any way, they act independently of you..." well, I have nothing further to add to that...

kittywise · 09/01/2009 17:23

Wellllll, yes they are free thinking individuals and therefore it is not the mother's fault that a child bites, however, the mother should be there to teach the child what is and is not acceptable. And until the child is able to understand and apologise for themselves then the mother/father should do it .

Original poster
purepurple · 09/01/2009 17:29

and if the parent isn't there, as in a child at nursery, then they need not feel guilty, and have no need to apologise. Yes, no? Or am I talking crap (again)

OP posts:
kittywise · 09/01/2009 17:57

If it had happened at a small nursery setting then I think I would apologise as I would be seeing that mother all the time.
If it was at a much bigger daycare place then i would not.

Either way i wouldn't feel guilty as it is not me that detirmines whether my child bites, some do some don't, that's the way of it.

It is normal for toddlers to bite

Tiramissu · 09/01/2009 18:09

OP
every time im here i think the same.

There are so many threads like this and i know this might sound a bit patronising but i feel sorry for these children. Imagine if everytime someone touches you, looks at you, speak to you, and, yes, fights with you, you have to watch your mum having a breakdown and going bullistic.

My dad used to say: 'if you cant give anything to your children, just make sure you teach them how to cope with life. Best gift you can ever give them'.

noonki · 09/01/2009 18:23

joyfuleyes- I have tyo disagree about the apology thing. I get DS2 to (20 months) mainly so that DS1 feels better.

I dont think it's fair to get DS1 to apologise (aged 3) and not DS2!

Also it is amazing how much less something hurts when someone says sorry.

I have a hitter and I have to say I sometimes prefer it when he is being hit.

ahfeckit · 09/01/2009 18:43

I empathise with mothers whose kids get attacked by other toddlers (my toddler exerts his authority well and will push other toddlers over, pull pigtails, scratch and bite etc). mortifying for myself (as i'm sure it is for other mums). so no, yabu. i don't blame these parents for being 'precious'. i feel horrible when my son does this, want the ground to just swallow me up whole! even after a telling off, he just does it again. poor kids are scared of him!

ahfeckit · 09/01/2009 18:49

hopefully DS will learn at nursery (when i won't be around) that there will be bigger kids there to also exert their authority upon him, see what the shoe is like on the other foot, kind of style. me telling a parent 'sorry' for his behaviour just doesn't cut it, but what else can you do really if your kid is hurting another?? once the damage is done that's it. thankfully most mums laugh it off (so far!).

OHBollox · 09/01/2009 19:35

I think it comes as quite a shock when it happens to your first or worse still if you child is the biter/kicker/hitter etc.
I could be completely wrong here but I always thought mumsnet was the place to come for a bit of sympathy no matter what.
It's somebodies baby who's been hurt.

KerryMumbles · 09/01/2009 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OHBollox · 09/01/2009 19:39

As for not apologising when your child hurts another how pig ignorant is that ?
No it wasn't you who bit but bloody hell I'd expect you on your knee's if your child drew blood as was suggested further up the page, I know i'd be grovelling if mine did that to another baby.

KerryMumbles · 09/01/2009 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toreen · 09/01/2009 20:04

The thing that is peeing me off is the fact that people don't read the original thread properly and then make assumptions about the person posting the thread. I am the mother of the 9 mo baby who was bitten - are you really saying PurePurple that you would not be upset if your baby had a bloody (literally) great bite mark on their cheek. How is this being precious?

I did NOT shout and scream or blame anyone or make any demands - I was concerned only with comforting my child.
I simply came home and quietly asked MN if anyone thought the mother ought to have apologised.

FWIW I will be going back to the creche next week and fully expect to see the child that did the biting there too.

OrmIrian · 09/01/2009 20:15

I am coming to the conclusion that all mothers are overly precious. Apart from me. I am simply rightly concerned over the welfare of my children. Clearly.

Actually I'm not really. I tend to assume they will survive and it's best to play down most incidents. Cuddles, sympathy and distraction are the best cures. Unless there is real risk of serious damage. I suppose I can understand the mother tigress thing - but it's not pretty. I was 'approached' by a mother in the playground who beleived my son had been spreading rumours about her DD. The whole thing was totally absurd. Everyone thought so. Including the teacher. But I felt obliged to apologise to the silly cow to stop it escalating ( I don't do bitch slaps and handbags ). So she then presumably beleived she was correct in her absurdity. In some cases mothers playing the mummy tiger defending their young are simply absurd and shouldn't be encouraged.

Fleurlechaunte · 09/01/2009 20:20

Toreen, my ds was bitten unexpectedly by a child at playgroup when he was 2. It left a whacking great bruise and my ds, who had until that point never been hit or bitten was very shocked and upset.

I was gutted and really sad for ds, I really felt it for him, so I know exactly how you feel. I don't think it is precious at all to feel that away about your child and the mother should have apologised.

But how much more crap would our kids feel if we don't take their pain seriously and empathise with them. Betrayed probably and like they couldnt really trust us.

So yes OP YABtotallyU.

kittywise · 09/01/2009 20:21

Toreen you need to learn this lesson now: When you post on here it is EXTREMELY likely that the majority of posters will not read you thread
A) properly
B) at all

but they will post anyway

That's the nature of it

stillenacht · 09/01/2009 20:22

OMG am soooo glad you said this OP. totally agree.

NotBigJustBolshy · 09/01/2009 22:00

Nope, I'm still not getting how you should not be upset when your baby/toddler is bitten by another child at nursery. I repeat what I said upthread: my then 14mnth old ds (not my first dc, as if that matters) was bitten three times within a two week period by another child of the same age whilst they were at nursery. These were bites that drew blood and, in one case, a piece was actually gouged out of my ds's forehead. My ds happens to be tough as old boots and did not make a big fuss at the time - in fact the "carers" didn't notice the second bite until I arrived to pick him up. So no antiseptic was applied, despite blood being drawn. As far as I'm concerned, that's not good, whichever way you look at it. As to whether being annoyed about this constitutes an overreaction, hmm well, I think not. I was just thankful my ds only went to that nursery for 6 hours a week; if he'd have been full-time, the poor little bugger would have been a mass of holes.

stillenacht · 09/01/2009 22:51

my son has SN and was bitten today at school by another child (yes he has SN too) i was informed by his little book. I said to myself oh well he's ok. There there and all that.

Original poster
purepurple · 10/01/2009 09:43

some of the posters on this thread have proved my point for me This was a light hearted thread, of course I would be upset if my children are hurt, but it happens, it needs to happen, it's all normal. My perspective on this is different to many of yours. I spend every day with 24 children. it is normal behaviour to me.

OP posts:
kittywise · 10/01/2009 09:53

purepurple, I know I 'joke' , about those with pfb madness, but there are some mothers who are very precious n matter how many kids they have.
Yes, it is upsetting when your kid is hurt but to start a thread about not being apologised to is going to get a lot of backs up.

LucyEllensmummy · 10/01/2009 09:54

That was either a very brave or stupid OP. Hey ho - i missed that one.