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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that Hen do's are getting a bit, well, silly...

68 replies

Notonyournelly · 06/01/2009 20:10

I have namechanged, just in case.

My former bridesmaid, and best friend of all time is finally getting married this year- we are all very excited, and my girls are flower girls etc (I have offered to pay for dresses- bride said no). All great.

Except, a mutual friend (childless, as is the bride) of ours has contacted me about the hen do. She is planning something spectacular! Well, not overly so, but it is a weekend affair, and will cost a few hundred pounds in total.

The month after is the actual wedding and that too will cost for outfits, hotel etc.

Now, I'm sure I'll be labelled a scrooge, but- WHY do hen do's have to be SO expensive and lavish? We will go out together again after she is married, so the idea of one last night out is pretty reduntant. I KNOW she should be made to feel special, but can we not make her feel special without each spending hundreds of pounds?

To top it off, she is unaware of all this- it is a mutual friend doing the expensive organising. So if I don't go, I will appear, and feel, like a terrible friend. But in all honesty, I wouldn't even be able to justify spending that much money on a weekend with my husband and children (which, frankly, I would rather do. Not beause I don't love my friend, but out of the large group I will only know the bride, her sister and the mutual friend, so not my idea of an ideal weekend away)

PLUS, I am a student and the only one with children, so not exactly flush.

Oh, I don't know. AIBU? I am aren't I? She's my best friend, I should just go.

Opinions?

OP posts:

nickytwotimes · 06/01/2009 20:10

Yanbu.
It is obscene, the amount sent on weddings, Hen/Stag dos.

EllieG · 06/01/2009 20:12

Don't go. I couldn't go to my best mate's for same reason, and she completely understood. She ended up having another one at home - just meal out with the girls, which was huge fun, and no hard feelings at all. I would just come clean with all, say, sorry, really can't afford extra hols at moment what with all the things I need for the kids, and leave at that.
Am completely with you on this issue, is getting ridiculous.

Mung · 06/01/2009 20:13

I don't think you ABU. The amount of money people spend for a few days for hen/stags really shocks me. Weddings have become such an expensive affair that I dread getting invites.

I understand how you feel uncomfortable about it all though.

YouCalledYourBabyWhat · 06/01/2009 20:13

YANBU.
Say to bride that you can't afford to attrnd do and wedding.

compo · 06/01/2009 20:13

yanbu
I would just email the friend back and say you can't afford it
who is meant to be orgsanising the do anyway? shouldn't the bride have a say? or you as her best friend?

eldestgirl · 06/01/2009 20:14

YANBU. Hen nights are really getting out of hand. What happened to a few drinks one evening and possibly a boogie? I refuse to go to any now, and cite being married and a mother as two very good reasons not to go.

BitOfFun · 06/01/2009 20:14

YANBU- just tell the organizer you can't afford it and suggest that if you want everyone there it is more sensible to keep the cost down...people are losing their jobs etc. Crazy

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 06/01/2009 20:15

Have also missed a v. good friends hen do ( full day at the races type affair) as It was just too costly with 2 dc's I could think of (many) better use(s) of the money.

Honesty is the best policy, you will be going to the main event etc so do not feel too bad...

stickybeaker · 06/01/2009 20:16

It comes round every year - I have 4 to go to this year. I have been to ALOT of weddings, and many hen dos and I've just started saying no politely now. I honestly don't really enjoy them - just not my cup of tea.

I didn't have one when I got married. I think they tend to be a bit naff and generally too much money for what they are.

We're actually going without a holiday this year because of people's weddings. They do cost alot of money, and something has to give.

I'd try and make an effort to go to a part of a hen do that I'd enjoy, but the rest of it? F*ck it. Life's to short to keep everyone happy all of the time.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 06/01/2009 20:17

Yanbu
Mine was lovely
£20 a head in a local thai restaurant (very small so we booked it out) my mother paid for wine and then we met up with the stag party in the pub and then wandered down to the beach where there was a cafe doing dancing.

Original poster

Notonyournelly · 06/01/2009 20:17

Bride's sister is the maid of honour and is meant to be organising, but hasn't made any effort. So the bride herself starting organising it (which I was unaware of, as she has kept very schtum about all of the planning). However, mutual friend found out she was organising it herself, felt sorry for her, and so has hijacked and upgraded the whole affair.

Must add- mutual friend is an absolute darling, and she is in no way OTT- she just wants to do something special for her best friend (yes, bride has a number of best friends!)

OP posts:

Original poster

Notonyournelly · 06/01/2009 20:21

But, if we are all getting invited to OTT hen nights and feling we cannot attend, or that they are inapropriate... Who exactly is holding them?

A colleague went with a group of 15 friends to Venice for hers last month. I mean, a long weekend in Venice the same month as Christmas? How could the bride feel justified in asking people to do that? It really puts close friends in a tricky situation, IMO.

OP posts:

Bicnod · 06/01/2009 20:21

YANBU - I think you should tell the friend that you can't afford it and moot the idea of doing something a bit more inclusive...

I was pretty skint when I got married and my hen do was a girl's night in (pink cava, pink decorations, yummy food and lots of cheesy music and drinking games) followed by a long lazy (and, of course, boozy) picnic on the local common the next day, followed by dinner at local restaurant and cheesy dancing. It meant people could pick and choose which bits they wanted to come to and none of it cost the earth - also meant no accommodation issues as people could kip on the floor in our flat (DH was kicked out for the weekend).

I have spent a lot more on other people's hen weekends than I usually do on mine and DH's annual holiday which seems somewhat ridiculous!!!

ahfeckit · 06/01/2009 20:29

a meal out is sufficient, it means most people can afford it (as long as it's not toooo posh!!). that's what happened at my hen, and it was what i wanted anyway. nice and peaceful!

YANBU. just explain you have no money, as simple as that and say you'll go out for a meal together or a few drinks another night before she gets married. something that suits most folks budgets!

compo · 06/01/2009 20:30

oh if the bride knows what it is just tell her you can't afford it

rookiemater · 06/01/2009 20:30

YANBU. My hen weekend was in a very cheap youth hostel type establishment ( in retrospect I probably went too far in the cost saving direction ).

It was a weekend away rather than a local night out because I have friends located in various parts of the UK and I specifically wanted all my friends to be able to come and was aware that some people were on a more limited budget.

A couple of friends were able to attend the hen do but subsequently didn't come to the wedding, partly I think because of the cost of attending.

Speak to the organiser directly. See if it can be changed so you can attend or failing that is it possible to go to one or two elements of it rather than the whole shebang.

Mooseheart · 06/01/2009 20:30

YANBU.

DH once spent £600 on a snow boarding stag do it took years for him to grovel his way out of that one, especially as we were (as ever) totally skint and I was left with the two dds (who were 1 and 2) on my own for four nights - in between dh working away for three weeks!

The stag was (surprise surprise) loaded and childless...

Mooseheart · 06/01/2009 20:32

I stipulated a maximum of £100 per head for mine, which included hire of a small cosy library in a hotel, a three-course meal, a picnic, lots of Champagne and a night's accommodation.

BouncingTurtle · 06/01/2009 20:33

Yeah it is going crazy, my friend is getting married in Scotland so that will involve a 2 night stay in a hotel near where she is getting married and apparently there is a hen night organised at some haunted castle or other She is also organising a night out near where she lives which most people will be going to. I don't think I'll be going to either, can't afford one and I just don't do the whole going around town getting slaughtered thing any more - plus it is long way from where I live.
But the mark of my friendship is can I quite confidently tell her I'm not going and she'll be fine with it.
YANBU it is ridiculous. Don't feel bullied into spending money you don't have!

mazzystartled · 06/01/2009 20:36

yanbu
tell the organiser you can't afford it
be absolutely clear
can you go along for part of it or is it a long way away?

NotBigJustBolshy · 06/01/2009 20:36

I have never understood the need for hen/stag dos. I have refused all invites and did not have a hen night either time I got married - it would never have occurred to me to do that, tbh. I think more people should refuse to go to the lavish dos and then the idea would die out. It is a daft practice and one that puts people under pressure to spend money they don't have.

compo · 06/01/2009 20:38

£100 per head?!!

FairLadyRantALot · 06/01/2009 20:40

YANBU...I don't really get the whole hen do thing anyway....
in Germany we have Polterabend...that is good fun....and usually not flashy or anything....
usually those are VERY enjoyable....

Mooseheart · 06/01/2009 20:44

Compo - yes, some of my friends had to stay in a hotel that was included in the price. Hell, that's cheap when you add it all up - the travel, the accommodation, the drink, the meal out, breakfast blah de blah. £100 included everything once arrived, no extras. Plus we held it locally so local friends could go home and not pay for accomm, although they all did.

Hope I don't seem too Marie Antoinette-ish

Cartoose · 06/01/2009 20:58

Have a quiet chat with the bride to be. If she's a good friend she'll understand.

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