to think that Hen do's are getting a bit, well, silly...

[Notonyournelly]

I have namechanged, just in case.

My former bridesmaid, and best friend of all time is finally getting married this year- we are all very excited, and my girls are flower girls etc (I have offered to pay for dresses- bride said no). All great.

Except, a mutual friend (childless, as is the bride) of ours has contacted me about the hen do. She is planning something spectacular! Well, not overly so, but it is a weekend affair, and will cost a few hundred pounds in total.

The month after is the actual wedding and that too will cost for outfits, hotel etc.

Now, I'm sure I'll be labelled a scrooge, but- WHY do hen do's have to be SO expensive and lavish? We will go out together again after she is married, so the idea of one last night out is pretty reduntant. I KNOW she should be made to feel special, but can we not make her feel special without each spending hundreds of pounds?

To top it off, she is unaware of all this- it is a mutual friend doing the expensive organising. So if I don't go, I will appear, and feel, like a terrible friend. But in all honesty, I wouldn't even be able to justify spending that much money on a weekend with my husband and children (which, frankly, I would rather do. Not beause I don't love my friend, but out of the large group I will only know the bride, her sister and the mutual friend, so not my idea of an ideal weekend away)

PLUS, I am a student and the only one with children, so not exactly flush.

Oh, I don't know. AIBU? I am aren't I? She's my best friend, I should just go.

Opinions?

Moose I think £100 sounds pretty good for all in.

Ok, I've namechanged back again! I have emailed the organiser, suggesting a cheaper package at the same hotel. I have cited my reasons. I shall wait and see.

BTW- I'd happily pay £100 all in, I think that is reasonable. £300+ I strongly object to.

YANBU - it is a real shame if people who are close to the bride/groom cannot participate in the celebration because of financial constraints. I had a get-together at home with my girlfriends before I got married - we had a load of wine & food and a good laugh. I think the whole industry that has built up around weddings has really started to detract from the actual significance of the event.

YANBU! I would never have dreamt of holding a hen night like that- it just seems to exclude friends who aren't well-off (ie me!!) I had a fab hen weekend, which involved a girly night in at my house, then a day out at a local funfair, followed by a spa- type thingy (friend was member of local posh gym with saunas etc, and signed us in), then dinner and dancing. People could attend whatever bits they wanted/ could afford, and we had a really good time.

I couldn't justify going abroad/ to an expensive hotel when we are struggling to pay for a family holiday once a year- sorry.

Bridezilla hell.

they want a 'unique' and 'special day'= spend a vast sum of money.

have you noticed how the bigger they spend the shorter the marriage.

I think it is incredible selfish to expect your friends and family to pay for hen nights/stag nights, foreign exotic locaton/scottish castle weddings and a john lewis gift list AAAAaaaaargh.
The pain comes from paying off asummer of hell weddings three years ago.

People just seem to have forgotten what a marriage NOT a wedding is all about

Jooly - your hen do sounded fab... one of the best I attended was hel at the bride-to -be's house too, with games involving lots of toxic green liquor, later in to town for more drinking then crap dancing in a dodgy club to Status Quo!

My SIl is getting married in a couple of weeks and me and 2 of her friends were allocated the task of hen night! We met up back in september and started discussing ideas.......it turned out that in order to involve everyone bride knew we would need a range of nights! Bride to be is a teacher and didnt want to offend anyone but didnt want to invite certain people to certain types of nights etc.

We had first hen do in november....just like a bridal shower which MIL arranged at her house. Then in Dec we did a ghost hunt for the night!
On friday we have a civilised meal out with her work collegues and sat we have a big night out and hotel stay planned!

In total its cost me and 2 other friends over £200 each as we have had to do every night! Ridiculous amount of money and im not that excited about firday/sat/sun as i thought i would be!

I totally agree. The whole hen/stag do thing has got so out of control. It's becoming a bit like childrens' birthday parties, seeing everyone trying to outdo each other.

When I got married 12 years ago the general idea was that you'd go out for a meal, get trolleyed and boogie your socks off in a local club. Now it's all about spas, white water rafting, week-long yee-has in Ibiza/Faliraki/Uzbekhistan...

mooseheart- that toxic green liquor sounds scarily familiar...and the crap dancing in dodgy club! Were you in fact at my hen night???

My chief Bridesmaid met the man she married at that dodgy club on my hen night - bet she wouldn't have done that while white water rafting!!

I feel the same, although I have to say my friends have all had quite local hen weekends with a number of pick and choose activities. Still far more than I had when I got married though.

My main bugbear has been the whole Stag weekend thing. Since DS was born he's been on about 5 stag weekends, all involving at least 2 or 3 nights away and often flights etc. It's a huge amount of money and no return offer to send me away for the weekend (I can't afford it)

Sidge/Zanzibar, etc...you got a point, it is just another "industry" that trys to get big bucks out of people isn't it!
and indeed, the bigger the wedding, very often the shorter the marriage...well, it seems to m like that, too...
we had a very small scale wedding, and not much input in it...the only input I had was my dress (which I bought myself) the rest was organised for us, as best as they could...but, you know, we are still married (since 1995) and whilst, if I had input in it I would have possibly had a different bouquet of flowers and a different cake...that would be all my "complaints....because, you know what, really, to me it was not a day I had planned all my life, bladibla....it was about me getting married to the man I loved...and really nothing else mattered....
we didn't have a german type Polterabend, btw...ecause we got married in the UK..but just had a night out, me, SIL and her dh, my mum and her dh, and and aunt and uncle of mine...but it was fab

YANBU AT ALL! Hope you get something sorted. I absolutely hate hate HATE hen dos.

Honestly, can anyone truly say they've enjoyed one, every minute of it, from beginning to end? So that it would count in - say - the top 20 nights out in their life?? Never.

They're more stressful experiences than weddings imo.

good point squeaver. i have only been hideously embarassed or worse bored stupid at every hen night i have been to.

YANBU. Mine was a few of us girlies at a restaurant then back to mine for drinks and a DVD!

Question to squeaver and zanz1bar: why do you go to hen dos if you find them dreadful? I can honestly say that none of my friends seem to have been mortally offended when I didn't attend theirs. Although actually I think the over-the-top hen night is a very modern phenomenon and I don't think people went quite as crazy 15 or so years ago. (i.e. I'm too old to have been invited to that many )

Because I'm nice and I grin and bear it.

Back when I (and a lot of my friends) got married we just all went for some dinner and lots of drinks and some dancing. And it was a few close friends, not hordes of people including grannies etc.

You see them in Luton airport on a Saturday morning in their fairy wings and pink t-shirts making small-talk with people they barely know but they're hooked up to for the next 48 hours...bloody hell it's a depressing sight.

I am too old to get many invites too but they do keep cropping up - relatives, younger work colleagues etc.

why do i go...becausestanding infront of best friend/sil/etc shouting 'you have got to be f##cking joking, why would i want to spend august bank holiday in brighton/prague/etc with a bunch of people i have hardly know but you went to school with, when i could be on the beach with my family. Oh no i really want to spend£ in some crap night club, with crap music tilll 2/3 am when i haven't had an unbroken nights sleep for years and am bloody shattered'
RANT

I go cos i want to make them happy i just wonder how many of these bridezillas really think thier hen nights are the best nights of thier lives and do they really, really think everyone is haveing such fun or like me keeping hier mouths shut.

Stop the rot! Stand up to the bridezillas!

Oh and another (while i'm on a role)
when did the babyshower stop being a few girls round for tea and cake and turn into a catered, themed to the last baby blue and sugar pink nappy cake, gift giving frenzy.

I was supposed to have a big thing but had a paddy and cancelled it all. Ended up having drinks and then going to a club in town. Combined the weekend with bridesmaids dress fittings so was v.wedding. Lovely lovely.

I think people do bigger ones because often young couples who are both working have a decent amount of disposable income to spend on hen/stag dos!

Our wedding was expensive though, so obviously we are not in love, just showing off and will be breaking up soon

I have been to some riotous hen nights of the sort that involve getting pissed and dancing on tables - and the occasional tranny bar or male stripper as well. But I have never been invited to the £300 a head sort. Am not sure if this is because all my friends are too well-bred for that sort of thing, too skint for it, or just think I can't be trusted not to pee in the jacuzzi in a posh spa.

YANBU. Hen/stag dos are way out of hand these days. Before my wedding in '97 we went out to dinner and had a dance (sound like an old fogey don't I?).

I think the organiser here needs to be pulled back into line, she is not the one who will be hurt if you don't go, and not everyone can afford such lavish celebrations, especailly since the wedding is just round the corner too.

All the best, it's an unpleasant situation to be in.

These 'big' weekend away events came about because of the likes of Ryanair and Easyjet 'cheapo' flights ( which really were at one point cost effective- my BF went to Dublin for hers 5 years ago, flights cost £19 and accom £35 each). It was a very cheap weekend really.
Now everyone expects to be able to go on a citybreak for their hen/stag do but the cheap flights no longer exist.
DPs best mate gets married in June, he has arranged 3 nights in Majorca- Flights were £160 and the accom £50. So then of course you have the spending money and you are looking at approx £400-500 total.
The Bride is a very dear friend of mine, all of the females on her hen dooooo are childless (bar me and one another). They all have professional jobs, high income.
It was decided originally that the hen dooo would be in Ibiza, the emails were sent around from the 'chief bridesmaid' saying that the cheapest flights were £220 (which she thought were a good deal!!!). Accom would be about £70 each plus spending money!!

I sent an email to the entire hen brigade stating that I couldnt justify spending that amount.
So they decided to bin Ibiza and found seats to Barcelona for £60.

my seat is booked, but only because DP ensured that I was booked on (he didnt think it was fair him going away and not me)

Im sure it will be fab, but the wedding day itself is costing us a bomb (posh hotel blah blah)- so we end up spending around 1k to participate in someones wedding extravaganza.

I love all my friends dearly, and this couple are wonderful friends, but to do all this is a bit obscene!