to think that Hen do's are getting a bit, well, silly...

[Notonyournelly]

I have namechanged, just in case.

My former bridesmaid, and best friend of all time is finally getting married this year- we are all very excited, and my girls are flower girls etc (I have offered to pay for dresses- bride said no). All great.

Except, a mutual friend (childless, as is the bride) of ours has contacted me about the hen do. She is planning something spectacular! Well, not overly so, but it is a weekend affair, and will cost a few hundred pounds in total.

The month after is the actual wedding and that too will cost for outfits, hotel etc.

Now, I'm sure I'll be labelled a scrooge, but- WHY do hen do's have to be SO expensive and lavish? We will go out together again after she is married, so the idea of one last night out is pretty reduntant. I KNOW she should be made to feel special, but can we not make her feel special without each spending hundreds of pounds?

To top it off, she is unaware of all this- it is a mutual friend doing the expensive organising. So if I don't go, I will appear, and feel, like a terrible friend. But in all honesty, I wouldn't even be able to justify spending that much money on a weekend with my husband and children (which, frankly, I would rather do. Not beause I don't love my friend, but out of the large group I will only know the bride, her sister and the mutual friend, so not my idea of an ideal weekend away)

PLUS, I am a student and the only one with children, so not exactly flush.

Oh, I don't know. AIBU? I am aren't I? She's my best friend, I should just go.

Opinions?

tiredemma - dh and I attended a 30k wedding this summer which costs us nearly an additional 1k to 'participate' in...

Hen and stag combined costs for everything - £5-600
Hotel accommodation (heavily subsidised by b&g but still) - £220
Hotel bar bill - £80 bar was meant to be subsidised
My hair, fake tan and shoes (was a bmaid) - £80
Gift - £25 (we didn't feel we could afford much by then!)

As she is my dear dear sil I didn't mind too much, but if I wasn't related to or as fond of her I would have been spitting feathers!

PS Jooly no don't think I was at your hen but crap nights out are definitely the way forward - we all need to take the piss out of ourselves from time to time!

(Cost not costs although the financial repercussions have meant it may as well be in present tense!

Erm, zan1bar, sorry, but what is this thing "a baby shower"? My youngest is only 3 and I therefore have plenty of friends and relatives who are still sprogging left, right and centre and never, ever have I heard of anyone having a baby shower. Another crappy recent American import? As for ludicrously over the top weddings that cost £1000 to attend: ugh. I refuse the invites to those as well. If you don't want to spend the cash (or, like some us, don't have it), fgs, don't go to these things. Actually, the world doesn't crumble to dust if you stand up to these people (relatives or not) - and you do everyone a favour by striking a blow for common sense.

I paid for my hen party, Riven.

Some of the guests had come from overseas anyway so I didn't think it at all fair to lumber them with an extra expense.

I hired a junk, bought food and booze from the supermarket and we all got pissed in the middle of the sea.

I do decline invitations to unbelievably OTT hen parties. If I'm going to go to Bali with anyone, it's not going to be 20 women, of whom I know three.

OP YANBU
A friend last year wanted a group of 10 of us to fly to Barcelona with her for the weekend - 2 nights & flights plus other stuff was going to cost loads - she had planned it with her Bridesmaids and I felt a total scrooge not going but I just didn't have that amount of disposable cash to spend.. Especially when you add an outfit for the wedding and stuff for the kids to wear and a gift and overnight at the weddign itself.

The more I think back to my hen do the more I love it. DH went to his parents for the weekend and all my girlfriends came to my house combination of sleeping on sofa ad in sleeping bags. We went ape in the afternoon and went out for dinner , drinks and Dancing in the evening. it was brilliant and didn't cost alot per head.

YANBU. It really annoys me when people expect everyone to fork out loads of money.

When we got married dh's stag night cost £60 per head which included paintballing, dinner and a night in a hotel, dh then paid for drinks when they went to a club. My hen night consisted of a girly night in at my mums house where I cooked a Thai curry then a few of us went to the local nightclub.

Since we got married various friends stag/hen do's have included weekends in Dublin/Prague/New York a week in Ibiza and a week in the Dominican Republic! There seems to be so much financial pressure on everyone when it comes to weddings these days. What is wrong with a get together in the local pub?

Oh goodness, the plot thickens!

I have been CC'd in on emails from another friend of the bride (not me) who has said she is not prepared to pay for the hotel as she has an appartment opposite said hotel where everyone can stay. She had also done the maths and said she is not happy to pay hundreds for one weekend, not of her choosing. So I am not alone!

But apparently the bride WANTS a hotel.

Oh goodness me, what a palavar!

Cupoftea- where are you lots orf to?

tiredemma- where are we going?
Brum

ah but Mooseheart you didn't have to spend £80 at the bar or get a fake tan! I would have thought they would hav paid for the hair cut otherwise I wouldn't have bothered!!

YANBU

It sounds like my idea of hell, tbh. I'm another person who can't stand Hen Do's and I'm not a fan of big weddings either (prob the reason why DP and I have never married after almost 20 years together, I think I'm phobic!).

FiveGoMad - yours sounds exactly the sort of Hen Do that I would choose.

Compo:

£80 bar bill hit us next morning, didn't know the prices of the drinks they went on our room bill. So no doubt you consider me naive for that!

Were you in the UK last summer?? My olive skin turns ashen when it doesn't get any sun and I did not wish to wear a halter dress that exposed too much of my corpse-like skin. So vanity prevailed I'm afraid.

And don't get me started on the hair do - it was a 'surprise' revelation after the event... no mention of payment was made beforehand and I assumed I wouldn't have to pay for it. I paid for my BMs' hair-dos (and my sil was one of them... ) However I did not want to fall out over it as my sil has helped me out a lot with stuff over the last couple of years. She knew I wasn't happy about it though! If I'd known I would have to pay £40 to have my hair stuck in a bun I would have worn it loose, bugger what the bride wants!

I agree with NotBigJustBolshy -

just be honest with the friend and say that you really would like to mark the event in some way but that you cannot afford what she has in mind - and don't be apologetic about it!

Cupoftea- thats where I live!!

lol, nodding away here like the Churchill doggie.

Anybody read India Knight's thrift book? She does a marvellous rant on this very subject.

Another cost of these overdone hen do's is the horror of living in a popular stag/ hen location like I do here in Edinburgh.

Each Friday brings fresh groups of orange faced, pink t-shirted harridans dragging their trolley cases out of the station, and each Sunday sees them bleary eyed being dragged round Marks and Spencers - as if they couldn't do that at home.

They make a depressing sight from any angle.

i had a great hen do, their was 25 of us off for the weekend with dodgy l plates and crap like that. i have went to all my friends (which have been similar) and don't begrudge a penny of what i spent!

the baby shower thing is ridiculous though. i only know one person who has had one, noone else i know would dream of it. i asked about bringing a gift and was told 'oh a pack baby wipes would do, just something small'. yeah right there i was with a johnstons baby pack and someone else who had bought a £100 tv monitor thing to watch the baby while it's sleeping!! i then found out the new mummy had actually made a gift list out in mothercare and toys r us!!