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AIBU?

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Original poster

Thank you letter shock horror

103 replies

trulyscrumptious43 · 06/01/2009 13:00

My dad has sent an arsey letter to my daughter (age 16) complaining that she hasn't sent a xmas thank you letter to him yet. Bear in mind we left home on the night of the 27th for France and got back at 10pm last night. We were out in the sticks (le foret, indeed)for 8 days with no post or internet. The thank you letters were about to get written this week!
In addition to this sweetness, he has complained that she and her 11yr brother didn't get him the present he was expecting (a small diary). I had forgotten that was what he expected and we had got him 2 lovely big books instead, which he had told me on the phone on boxing day that he really liked.
So he has gone and bought himself a diary - and put the reciept for it into my daughter's letter, saying that she might like to reimburse him! And he signed off, Disappointed Grandad.
Is it me?

OP posts:
blinks · 08/01/2009 14:23

yes, diabetes can alter behaviour as someone else said.

it's something emergency medics/doctors look for when initially treating someone who's acting strangely.

if he's just a grumpy bugger then pay it little heed and send basic thankyou letter for xmas presents with a note that DD has donated the money for the diary to a diabetics charity on his behalf.

ilovelovemydog · 08/01/2009 14:28

Next year, get him a boxed DVD set of 'Grumpy Old Men'

Sorry, but not really the spirit of Christmas! My family were thrilled with photos of the kids and some hand prints....

CatchaStar · 08/01/2009 14:28

'So he has gone and bought himself a diary - and put the reciept for it into my daughter's letter, saying that she might like to reimburse him! And he signed off, Disappointed Grandad.'

What an awful thing to do! If it makes you feel any better, I'm only just posting off the remaining thank you's from dd today.

Is this normal behaviour from him?

You are absolutley not being unreasonable. I'd send it back to him with your own reciept that says 'manners cost nothing.'

Seriously

Bun123 · 08/01/2009 14:45

Honestly this takes the biscuit. As a grandparent myself my main pleasure is buying for the grandchildren. We dont ask for thanks the real reward it knowing it makes them happy.
Check hes not on medication, if he is,change it!

swiftdel · 08/01/2009 15:43

Hello

When my partner became pregnant with our first child my father wrote to me with instructions about what I had to do, with several bits underlined. (You see we were not married and he didn't approve of children being born out of wedlock). The letter was very offensive but not altogether unexpected. I thought congratulations and looking forward to being a Grandad and can I be of any help would have been a nicer response. So I stuffed the letter in an envelope and sent it back to him. (I couldn't bear the thought of reading it and feeling obliged to do what he would have done.

Months later we were at a family gathering and I overheard my father talking to my Aunt in an irritated voice, relating how I had had the audacity to send him his letter back. I felt smug about this as if somehow I had loosed the chains of parental domination.

My father died a few years ago now and it's sad that I never had the close emotional relationship with him that I had wished for. I just hope I get it write with my wonderful children. I'm going to cry now.

Finally, what I'm trying to say is people don't always live up to our expectations, it's important to stay focused about our own lives and be kind and forgiving to ourselves..don't expect too much

sasamaxx · 08/01/2009 16:18
Sad
GrapefruitMoon · 08/01/2009 16:31

I know that thank you letters, etc were de rigour in the past but tbh I think that when people like the OP's father are a bit obsessive about them it's due to a lack of a real focus in their lives. I have a spinster aunt who is a bit like this. I know for a fact that she gave her nephew's wife a hard time about writing thank-yous after the birth of her child. Personally I would never expect a new mother to write thank you letters and this woman also had PND so even more reason to cut her some slack.

She has also phoned my mother to see if she knew if my brother had received a birthday card from her - he lives in NZ and I think she honestly expected him to phone long-distance to thank her for the card

She is the only family member I get my kids to write thank-yours to - because it is not worth the hassle otherwise. Everyone else is happy to be thanked in person if they handed over the gift themselves or to have the receipt of the gift acknowledged by phone or email if it was posted.

Luckily most of the family don't live in the UK but live somewhere where there is a more relaxed view on these things!

Dawnybabe · 08/01/2009 18:55

Just laughing at the nine year old jumper from M&S. What a cow!

Desiderata · 08/01/2009 19:07

He's not from Tunbridge Wells, is he?

nooka · 08/01/2009 19:08

I would ring up your Dad, check that there is nothing wrong, remind him of the books that were given, and that the thank you letter is on it's way, but not possible from your holiday. You will get an idea from his response whether he is not right in himself. And tell your dd that her grandad is not well, and grumpy because of it.

Is it possible that he thinks your dd is old enough to be giving presents independently, so the presents from you don't really count? A 2.99 diary sounds like an idea for a granddaughter sized present.

Original poster
trulyscrumptious43 · 08/01/2009 23:58

The presents were from me and the two kids as a unit, same as we've always done.
Funny, my sis emailed me from the USA today to say that Dad had told her he'd written a grumpy letter (not sure if these were his words or her assumption). and could DD please swallow her pride and call him. But she told me that he hadn't mentioned the receipt! She also said she thought it very mean spirited.

Actually, I don't think it's necessary to call, two letters from her are already on the way - one thank you from the two of them and one bewildered 'sorry I didn't call or write earlier ' one. He can stick them in his pipe and smoke them.

What I want to know is, if someone is suffering from behavioural problems due to age and infirmity, do we still have to turn the other cheek or can we be rude back?

OP posts:
Original poster
trulyscrumptious43 · 09/01/2009 00:00

And he always has been a grumpy bugger.

And I like blinks suggestion best, donate the diary money to a diabetics charity! chortle indeed.

OP posts:
nooka · 09/01/2009 02:54

I don't think being rude back achieves anything, regardless of whether there are good reasons for the original unpleasantness or not. If you've written already of course you don't need to ring - I was suggesting a phone call rather than a letter, just to see if there was anything underlying the letter. I think you can challenge the bahaviour, but if you are rude then that pretty much automatically puts the other person in the right, and after all you said you love your Dad, so why upset him? (and I know he has upset you and your dd, I just don't think two wrongs make a right).

twentypence · 09/01/2009 03:24

When my FIL goes through one of his saying awfully rude and inappropriate thing days (or weeks) we generally just pretend they are not happening. Now. 10 years ago I would get dreadfully upset about what he said as I thought that he must mean it and couldn't understand why he acted as if it had never happened the next time we saw him.

Ds usually gives as good as he gets, for instance:

FIL
"No, you may not get down from the table, you haven't asked me and you haven't finished your tea you ungrateful boy."

DS
"But you have got up to answer the phone and set the video, uncle X has gone out to smoke and I hate stew, I think we are even."

And I have a deal with dh that in circumstances like this it is okay not to tell ds off.

KnickersOnMaHead · 09/01/2009 03:44

Message withdrawn

Buda · 09/01/2009 09:30

I agree that it may be the first stage of some sort of mental decline. My mother had a stroke in April - mild thankfully - but has had personality changes for around 18 months or so - thinks my Dad is up to something with the man across the road and won't let him out of her sight. So although he has always been a bit grumpy mental decline may take the lid off it a bit iykwim and things he may not have done or said though politeness before may not be held back now.

Cloudhopper · 09/01/2009 09:42

I would rise above it, accept that he has probably done it in a fit of quite childish rage. Some people have fewer controls on their behaviour than others.

Underlying it all is a feeling that he cares about you lot more than you care about him - hence the anger and disappointment. He is trying to lash out at you all back against an imagined slight to him. (receipt!)

Ignore it. I would perhaps just reply to explain that you have been away, but you are anxious to make sure that he is feeling okay and isn't too depressed.

I suspect that this will make him feel bad about his behaviour. If not, nothing lost.

I definitely wouldn't engage with it - it will only fuel his misplaced sense of being wronged in some way.

swiftdel · 09/01/2009 10:39

Your father has high expectations of yourself and his Grandchildren. It seems you are more the forgiving person. I can feel your hurt. What do you think you can do to help yourself ? There are lots of suggestions here and they vary from extremes of retaliation to "biting the bullet" and accepting the behaviour as something that upsets you but can be explained away as a moment of irritation perhaps exaserbated by a medical condition. You may try communication with Dad, but be prepared to be disappointed. Would it be presumptious of me to recommend, "Erroneous zones" by Wayne Dyer. This book helped me. I feel better able to cope with the unexpected traumas we face in our lives. Wishing you health and happiness.

2tinkas · 09/01/2009 11:18

Pagwatch is right, confronting it directly wouldn't work but he should feel pretty embarrassed on receiving that letter, even if he never mentions it again

tigermoth · 09/01/2009 11:54

I see your dd has already sent him two letters, and that's seems as much as she can do. Can you follow it up with an invite to your place for a meal - or say you'd like to visit him and your stepmother - just to show him he isn't forgotten.

I agree with the people who say the letter might be the tip of iceberg. He may be feeling in need of more attendion from you, especially if he and his partner are not happy.

I also have seen how diabetes in older people can make them irrational at times and bad tempered. So can heart problems, apparently. I have worked with someone who was like this.

I'd try to move everyone on from this - take charge and cultivate a serene, thick skinned attitude.

mumeeee · 09/01/2009 21:42

He is very rude. In my family we only send thank you leters if the gift has not been opened in the givers presence. Otherwise we say thank you in person at the time we open it.

Ivykaty44 · 09/01/2009 21:46

What did your father put in his thank you letter for the books that where given to him?

tigermoth · 09/01/2009 23:52

very good point, ivykaty

juneybean · 10/01/2009 01:03

How very ungrateful, I hope your daughter isn't too taken aback by this.

There's no need for blatent rudeness

juneybean · 10/01/2009 01:03

How very ungrateful, I hope your daughter isn't too taken aback by this.

There's no need for blatent rudeness