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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I wasnt being precious about the shop assistant telling my ds off

125 replies

mrsleroyjethrogibbs · 05/01/2009 16:02

Today MIL and me and the two children were in a pretty much deserted fabric shop looking at zips. DS was standing inches from MIL touching but not pulling at the display of cotton.He was literally pointing at the colours saying their names when one of the shop assitants who was standing nearby came over to him pushed/tapped his hand away from the display and told him quite roughly 'No thank you'.
I was quite shocked as ds scurried and tucked himself under MIL who looked at me as if to say 'OMG what is she on??'.

As we walked through the shop MIL said ' well that was a bit out of order. He wasnt pulling anything and since when is she allowed to touch someone elses children and tell them off'.
Now granted he was touching the cotton reels BUT he wasnt pulling he was simply just going through the colours as actully we were standing next to him and watching him.

I was really annoyed tbh and spoke to the manager and said that whilst I appreciate he was touching things (he is only 3) I think it would be more appropriate if the lady had asked me to tell him not to touch them rather than tapping his hand away and telling him off herself.
She was sympathetic and said yes she shouldnt have touched him at all and of course children touch things.

I came away thinking ...god am I being precious about him? I know he is not a model child. He cant keep his hands to himself at the best of times.. but still....
___

OP posts:
edam · 05/01/2009 20:31

I'm with balloonslayer and all the others who are bemused that suddenly adults are never, ever, allowed to touch anyone else's child, even on the hand. Are all the 'how DARE she, she must be hanged, drawn and quartered' people walking around ready to explode at any passer-by who bumps into their child?

kitkatqueen · 05/01/2009 20:34

pure purple - if someone in a shop touched my childs hand and said "sweetheart, you can look all you like but please don't touch all the pretty things" it wouldn't bother me, I would smile and say "oh sorry about that" But frankly if that is what had happened it wouldn't have ended up on here would it? No-one is allowed to knock your childs hand away from something in polite society unless they are about to get burned. If the little boy reacted by hiding behind nannys legs then she obviously frightened him and that is not ok. I don't go into a shop and expect an assistant to frighten my child for touching cotton ( its wrapped in plastic peaple - he can't hurt it) and saying the colours - its not on!

KKQ x

LittleBella · 05/01/2009 20:37

Hold on, where did I say I'm outraged by people touching my child?

On the contrary, I'm delighted when people touch my child in an appropriate, respectful manner. Stroking their cheek, chucking them under the chin in certain circumstances (eg on holiday in Italy..., that's fine. Pushing their hand away in a hostile, disrespectful manner - no, not fine.

If you can't tell the difference between different types of touch, then you must be English.

On a more serious note, I think it's important that children understand the difference between appropriate and inappropriate touch.

karlou · 05/01/2009 20:44

Oh for goodness sake!!! There is a world of difference between a friendly ruffle, affectionate pat or accidental knock than what this woman did. Whether it was a slap, tap or push is largely irrelevant - it was done in an aggressive manner to a little boy who was wasn't being naughty. He wasn't pulling at the reels or upsetting a display, he was just excitedly pointing out colours to his grandmother. So he was supervised too. If the assistant had a problem with him touching the reels - which were shrink-wrapped remember - then she should have said something to one of the adults with him. The OP has every right to be annoyed that she didn't, she's not suggesting that the woman be attacked or whatever, she just wondered if she was being a bit precious in feeling aggrieved.
To the OP - no you are totally nbu, but imo some posters here are.

LittleBella · 05/01/2009 20:46

yes i don't think the woman should be arrested and put in prison.

I just think everyone who lives in that town and recognises that store should go browsing there with their toddlers at an agreed time and date...

nannyL · 05/01/2009 20:52

YANBU

naturalbornmum · 05/01/2009 20:58

YANBU - What did the manager say? Cheeky cow. I was mad enough when in a pram shop with DD then 18months and the shop assistance told me to stop her climbing in the prams. i felt like telling them to stick thair prams. I did buy an expensive pram in there - only because I really wanted it but would'nt go there again.

kitkatqueen · 05/01/2009 21:09

Little Bella - Its a fantastic idea in principle but in reality with that many mothers ready to jump down the assistants throat it would be a potentially explosive situation - personally i think it would be way more amusing to email the a link for this thread!! LOL !! Might give them an idea of how parents feel about the situation!

ssd · 05/01/2009 21:12

the shop asst was out of order

pokeydot · 05/01/2009 21:20

i love people commenting on and touching my children in a friendly way i too think there is so much hype about touching etc BUT if anyone slapped or even TAPPED my child's hand away i would tap my hand around their face!!
IM the one who disciplines my child no one else!!!

edam · 05/01/2009 21:26

I'm interested in this modern phenomenon of parents thinking they are the only people who can tell their children off, pokey. Do you object to people touching your child in a negative manner, or would you react badly if a passer by told them to stop doing something?

It's just that I'm an old fart and when I was very young, in the 70s, any passing grown up felt fully entitled to tell us off if we were up to no good. Or looked as if we might possibly be thinking about getting up to no good at some time in the near future.

The flip side was, we could have approached any grown up for help and been pretty sure it would have been available.

BalloonSlayer · 05/01/2009 21:44

"IM the one who disciplines my child no one else"

That seems to be a recurring point on this thread?

Really? I mean, really?

What about when they are at school?

Are the teachers not going to be allowed to tell them off?

Or do you just mean touching them?

piscesmoon · 05/01/2009 21:49

I think in this instance the shop assistant was at fault, but I am horrified by pokeydot's reaction-no wonder society has problems with children! I think it takes a village to raise a child-why is the parent the only person allowed to point out when they are in the wrong? What sort of example are you setting if you slap someone around the face if they tap your child's hand?!

The shop assistant was a bit over zealous in protecting her cotton-the OP politely complained to the manager-now forget about it. Your DC will come across worse scenarios in life!

If I don't like what a child is doing I will tell them-or at least give them 'the look'. I won't expect the parent to slap me round the face!

karlou · 05/01/2009 21:51

The thing is he wasn't up to no good. If he'd have been messing around and none of the adults with him were paying any attention then perhaps she would have been within her rights to ask him to stop BUT he was just touching them when pointing so he didn't deserve to be reprimanded.
I have no issues at all if teachers or other adults tell my kids off when in loco parentis (and if they're doing wrong) however, in this instance the woman should have spoken to the OP or her MIL first.

LittleBella · 05/01/2009 22:00

No-one here is saying that children shouldn't be disciplined if they are behaving badly.

But the child here wasn't behaving badly, or even inappropriately.

I have no objection whatsoever to a shop assistant telling my DC off if s/he's behaving inappropriately in the shop. On the contrary, on occasions where it's happened, I've said "yes, stop doing that darling, sorry, I hadn't clocked her doing that" to the assistant and it's all been very good mannered and fine.

Batting a child's hand away is not an appropriate reaction from a shop-assistant. It's rude.

piscesmoon · 05/01/2009 22:03

The assistant shouldn't have done it but I am very surprised by people saying that no one can ever disciplne their DC except themselves. It is no wonder some children say 'you can't tell me what to do-you are not my mum', and believe it to be true!

MillyR · 05/01/2009 22:09

I was in a foreign airport and I had put a hot drink down on the floor next to my seat (which was a really stupid thing to do). A small child of possibly two, maybe 3 years then appeared and ran towards the drink; I didn't have time to move the drink and I didn't speak the language. So it was going to be a hot drink/running child collision and I just made the split second decision to reach out and grab the child by the arm to avert hot drink burn/ fall combination. The child looked shocked and the Dad turned around and looked shocked and I kept apologising but couldn't explain why I had taken hold of their child's arm due to the language barrier.

I have felt TERRIBLE about it ever since, because there is some line that you don't cross with other people's children. So I can understand you not being happy about the shop lady.

Tiramissu · 05/01/2009 22:42

I understand about the tapping. I wouldnt like it either.

But please can someone explain to me the thing about 'speak to me first, not to the child'?

Cant a shop assistant ie say 'darling please dont touch the fabric, we have to keep it clean for the customers'. Does she has to say 'please can you tell your child ......' Why?
It is genuine question , honestly.

sunnygirl1412 · 05/01/2009 22:57

If a toddler is doing something they shouldn't in a shop and an adult is supervising them, I would have said that it's the adult that needs telling/asking, because they are supposed to be supervising the child. That said, a pleasant request to the child, with a look at the parent and a second 'please' (or words to that effect) aimed at them would politely cover all the bases.

kitkatqueen · 06/01/2009 00:00

Part of my issue with other people disiplining my children rather than speaking to me is that children learn how to treat others by how they are treated. I would not knock my daughters hand away, I might remove it gently. I would ask her in a nice tone not to touch and explain why in a way appropriate to her understanding, because I know her and know her capabilities.

A random person on the street/shop/whatever does not know my child and therefore is not going to know what her level of understanding of a situation is and is very likely to be too heavy handed in disiplining, in my opinion. Would be less likely to explain the reason for not doing whatever it is in a sensitive manner.

And would be likely to frighten my daughter which would actually be totally out of order.

I am not averse to realy telling my kids off when its necessary, but 9 times out of 10 children are just overly inquisitive / enthusiastic and need to be shown the dangers involved in what they are doing.

My children are not angels but they are generally very good in shops so if someone upset my child the way mrsl's little boy was upset I would be very pissed off.

As for when my dd is at school, the disipline rules are very strict, on how the chidren behave to the teachers and vice versa, which is really good because it means the children know where they stand.

I was actually smacked by a teacher in my 1st year at 1st school because I kept on pronouncing the word farther ( as in farther up the road) as further because I thought it was a spelling mistake in the book. I had never read the word in that context before and the teacher only explained that it wasn't a spelling mistake after she smacked me in front of the whole class. She thought i was just being naughty. I was really frightened - I spent the rest of my time at that school thinking i would be smacked if I made a mistake, thats a pretty harsh begining to your education when u r only 5. I didn't tell my parents because I thought it must be my fault and they would be angry.

Children are little people, there is an awful lot going on in there that you don't necessarily know about. Allowing your child to be disiplined by someone else when you have no idea what is going to come out of that persons mouth is dangerous. I have a better chance of understanding my child than someone else. And I expect my children to be spoken to with the same respect that the salesperson would want from my child. Again mrsl's ds did not get that.

poetmum · 06/01/2009 00:46

Yes TsarChasm. And I'll never forget the lolly-ladies. You know them. They hover and wait for any child to screw up their face and appear to begin a tantrum. Then out they come from the shadows with their lollies. They plop them in your DC's mouth before you can blink.

purepurple · 06/01/2009 07:30

I have worked in shops and other people's children can be bloody annoying. So, you didn't like what she did, which is your right, but maybe she was having a bad day or maybe she has some sort of learning difficulties, and doesn't know how to deal with children

oliviasmama · 06/01/2009 08:08

In answer to your original question......

I dont think your being at all precious.

BalloonSlayer · 06/01/2009 08:21

ROFL at "And I expect my children to be spoken to with the same respect that the salesperson would want from my child. Again mrsl's ds did not get that."

The woman said "No Thank You"

BalloonSlayer · 06/01/2009 09:10

ROFL at "And I expect my children to be spoken to with the same respect that the salesperson would want from my child. Again mrsl's ds did not get that."

The woman said "No Thank You"

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