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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think people with older / adult children must forget what hard work toddlers are?

103 replies

PeppermintInAPearTreePatty · 04/01/2009 20:52

...because they seem to expect a lot from my 18 mo DD.

Today we met a friend in a cafe with his 2 teenage children. After DD had eaten her lunch she started to whinge and wanted to play so I sat her on my knee and entertained her for the rest of the time, which meant I couldn't really join in the conversation with everyone else. At the end of the meal my friend told me I was spoiling DD because I played with her too much I don't know what he expected me to do, maybe ignore DD and let her have a tantrum?!

Another instance is when we visit DHs parents they always either take us out for lunch at a restaurant or cook a big formal three course meal (with wine, napkins, conversation). This is lovely lof them and I loved it pre-DD. However now DD just gets restless and whingey after 5 /10 mins, so to avoid a full blown tantrum me or DH have to take her out the room to play and end up missing our lunch Or if we're in a restaurant everyone stares and it's embarrassing. It annoys my in-laws too, as they can't understand why DD can't be MADE to sit and enjoy the meal

Another time I was trying to get DD to sleep in her buggy (we were out). She had just had a big tantrum mainly because she was very tired. A family friend kept sticking her head into the buggy and talking to DD so started crying again. ARGH!

All these people have children of their own (now teenagers / grown-up), am I being unreasonable to expect them to remember what toddlers are like? Or have they forgotten? Or should I expect more from my 18 mo?

OP posts:
PrammieMammy · 04/01/2009 21:36

Could you maybe give her crayons and paper to play with in her high chair? My ds is 12 mo, and he has never minded sitting at the table untill the past few weeks. He got some colouring pencils at Christmas though and i have found them amazing at dinnertime, after he has been fed, to let us finish.

Original poster
PeppermintInAPearTreePatty · 04/01/2009 21:38

Bodiddly - 4 HOURS I would be exhausted after 2! Possibly very drunk after 4 (only way I could cope).

Yes, books / toys come with us and entertain her for a bit. I think the main thing is she is very fidgety and wants to be running around / exploring and generally playing with things she shouldn't
Bearing in mind she has usually been stuck in a car seat for an hour or two when we arrive I don't really blame her.

OP posts:
SH27 · 04/01/2009 21:42

Peppermint, YANBU, we experience the same thing with our 2 year old DS. He can tolerate about half an hour but then gets very bored and restless. we are the only ones in our family and group of friends with a toddler, so often feel very uncomfortable.

I think your friend was unkind saying you spoil your DD. You were just trying to keep the peace and also not upset your DD and quite rightly so.

With regards to comments about 10 minutes being a short amount of time for an 18 month old. Every child is different, we have two children who are very different, but have been brought up the same. One is calm and could sit still for ages, the other is a little monster .

MilaMae · 04/01/2009 21:42

They do forget and those with pre-moving dc often don't realise either. In their smugness at how nicely their babies are gurgling quietly in their pram they don't realise that their lo is actually a timebomb waiting to happen and in a few months time they'll be the redfaced bedraggled parent racing round the cafe.

My dc are now 5,5 and 4 and it's just about getting easier although we have a short windopw of time we can relax ie the amount of time it takes for the dc to eat up and finish their stickers or whatever else we've brought with us.

I'll never forget the time we stayed in a very posh French hotel with my parents with my dc then 23months,23months and 8 months(I know what the hell was I thinking of). Dtwin 1 started to sing(loudly)at breakfast,my dad tried to quieten him but after a death glare from my mum and the subsequent chaos you get with 3 under 2 gave up. I always think that breakfast re-educated my dparents-they've always been very understanding ever since

Your time will come- we've just had our best new year after 5 years the dc stayed up until 10.30 at a party and looked after themselves so we did too!!!!!!!!!

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 04/01/2009 21:43

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bodiddly · 04/01/2009 21:44

other good things other than books and colouring are a small tub of play doh and fuzzy felt! That and trying to encourage people to go to a restaurant with an outside play area that you (or a relative) could take her out to inbetween courses.

aGalChangedHerName · 04/01/2009 21:44

I think that it might be useful for you to try and encourage your dd to be able to sit for a bit more than 10 mins,just so you and dh can both eat etc.

Can she colour in maybe,or look at books etc?

FWIW i am a CM also and i ake my 18 month old mindee out for lunch occasionally when my DH is off along with my 4.6 and 2.6 year old dd's. Her mum and dad are very happy with this. Oh and we don't ignore her,it's a chance for DH and i and the dd's and mindee to have a nice lunch out.

I suppose i could just stay at home and give her lunch there and send dh and the dd's out for a yummy lunch?

MillyR · 04/01/2009 21:44

I have completely forgotten; I am always shocked by how much work is involved in looking after a toddler; I do think you forget. By the time I am a MIL I am sure that I will be making out that children are no work at all, and that you just wrap babies in old flour sacks and feel them a diet of whole peanuts or some such thing, and insist that I must be right because I've had 2 kids! It is the way of the world.

MilaMae · 04/01/2009 21:45

The book You Choose and boxes of raisins were often my choice of weaponry.

rempy · 04/01/2009 21:45

YANBU, I have virtually abandoned cafes since DD 18 months. Impossible. Embarrassing.

I have no idea how our parents generation got us to (allegedly) sit still for longer than 15 minutes whilst they fannied about with wine, napkins, starters, short delay to the main course whilst I make the gravy/wilt the spinach...

Gaffer tape? Electrodes?

ClarissimoUsedToBePeachy · 04/01/2009 21:49

Some toddlers sit through like a dream- others cannot. Have had a mix of both myself, and those who have the quiet ones think those with the noisy ones are asking too little /spoiling them / feeding them coke / keeping them up all night I think.

And from that perspective it's easy to jusge or mae unreasonable demands.

DS2 still cannot sit at a table at 8 dspite us being a formal sit down for dinner type of family; ds4 (8 months) however can happily (comparing the two NT ones btw).

let it ride. This phase passes so quickly and ime you'll be wishing that the LO wants to spend a few minutes playing with you instead of staring at a DS, sulking for being there, or no doubt one day eyeing up the local totty

Original poster
PeppermintInAPearTreePatty · 04/01/2009 21:49

Minia - my OP wasn't that clear. I meant 5-10 mins after she has finished her meal. She can be placated with toys for a bit, maybe 5 or 10 mins, and then she starts to whinge.

It important to me that DD has good table manners and can sit at a table in a restaurant eventually, but she's only 18 months old and I think that is too much to expect ATM. When she has finished eating she wants to play, and 10 minutes is a long time for her.

OP posts:
scifinerd · 04/01/2009 21:53

As MilaMa says your time will come. Right now we are in the midst of avoiding anywhere remotely civilised as we have 3 small energetic dcs. And tbh in ten years time when they will sit still at a formal setting I bet I will be missing my babes and toddlers. Now is the time to enjoy their young years and I think your relatives are missing out by not tailoring outings to be more child centered. Why force toddlers into unnatural settings for them, it is such a short time.

Original poster
PeppermintInAPearTreePatty · 04/01/2009 21:57

CLarissmo - I think I got a noisy one My mum describes her as high input/high output ie. very hard work but you get lots from her in return (lots of what, I'm not sure!)

OP posts:
Mimia · 04/01/2009 22:00

No, I understood your post PeppermintPattyInAPearTree. I have always expected my DD to be at the table until everyone else has finished and she has been going regularly to restaurants since birth. Therefore I don't think it is definate that they have forgotten what it is like to have a toddler which is what you asked, but rather that they may have had different toddlers/different rules. Much like Clarrisimo says. So it is not that they are dismissing you because they have forgotten, but its just not their experience, because its not mine either.

cat64 · 04/01/2009 22:00

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onebatmotherofgoditschilly · 04/01/2009 22:04

I suspect those whose dc's can sit at table for more than 10 mins, with knapkins, repartee and so on, might find it's a stage/nature/somesuch.

This is one of those subjects that it's never a good idea to have a strong 'ime' opinion on, lest you awaken the god of schadenfreude. It usually happens on the very night that your second-born is conceived .

StayFrosty · 04/01/2009 22:06

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PeppermintInAPearTreePatty · 04/01/2009 22:07

In that case Minia I am very jealous of yours and other peoples quiet, well behaved, tantrum free toddlers

OP posts:
Mimia · 04/01/2009 22:13

Lol, I didn't say she was tantrum free...I said she sat at a table for a meal. I beleive it is because if food is available she is the happiest little toddler alive! Crayons or food...no contest! Sorry if I came across as critical, it wasn't my intention, I was just try to say that no all toddlers are the same. If it's any consolation she was very hard work as a baby, which I will never forget I promise

Olifin · 04/01/2009 22:32

Interesting point Mimia; our DD is not the foodie type really. She eats little and often as needed but doesn't seem to really enjoy meals the way that some children do. We've always taken books/colouring/little toys with us and encouraged our friends/family members to take turns with the entertaining but it's still been a strain at times.

Having said that, we may have just turned a corner (touches wood) as we sat in a pub/restaurant for over two hours today with DD (aged 3) and DS (9 months) and they were both fantastically behaved. Will enjoy it while it lasts!

sunnygirl1412 · 04/01/2009 22:41

I reckon that we don't as much forget as blank it out altogether!

More seriously, I think that each stage of our children's lives bring new challenges, and we forget the old challenges in order to be able to cope with the new ones.

That said, of course I would not expect someone's 18 month-old to behave the same as my 11, 13 and 15 year olds - I may have forgotten the gory details of toddlerhood, but I haven't forgotten it all.

RipVanTwinkle · 04/01/2009 22:51

I think some people are forgetting that it also depends on what mood the child happens to be in on that day. We are lucky - DS (2.5) is normally a dream, in public at least (at home it can be a different matter). But if we happen to hit a time when he's tired or under the weather then it's an entirely different story.

I completely agree with the OP that people forget very quickly what it was like. Or more likely they're so self-centred they can't be bothered to remember.

TheLadyEvenstar · 04/01/2009 22:57

Oh Yes people do indeed forget!

Take me for instance, ds1 is 10 and i remember a lot about him being a toddler BUT

I now have ds2 who is 15m old and from what i can remember is so so so so so so so so (you get the idea) different!

I as a mum forgot so i am sure others with older children forget too.

Tortington · 04/01/2009 22:59

i haven't forgotten its a fucking nightmare.

i don't like toddlers at all.

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