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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to kill myself because i am pregnant

77 replies

Koshka · 02/01/2009 16:55

Hello,

I am 13 weeks pg.

I was happy when i found out but now I am so scared i keep on thinking if i carry on with this pregnancy i would rather not be here.

I have no idea what to do! is it too late to end this pregnancy?

Sorry this is a bad topic to discuss here but have noone in RL that i can talk to.

OP posts:
thexmasstockingmonsterofdoom · 03/01/2009 09:22

just checking if you are around this morning, hope you had a better night at work. Please keep posting when you are around.

SummerC · 04/01/2009 17:12

bump...hoping Koshka sees this.

Notbig · 04/01/2009 20:47

Hi there

Sorry to hear your havinga shit time of it. I was constantly snapping at my darling daughter whilst pregnant with darling son. Judging by the shift your doing at work it can't be helping the exhaustion of being pregnant.

Why don't you go to the doctors, see if you can get signed off for a bit and even see if there a possibility you can get your first child in a play group so you can rest for a bit. Its usually possible to jump waiting lists and sometimes possible to get extra hours in exceptional circumstances which this sounds like it is. No one can tell you whether to keep the baby or not but get some counselling and help. Don't bottle this up on your own. You are a good mum else you wouldn't care whether you snapped at your son or not.

OHBollox · 04/01/2009 21:54

Koshka, please do stay on mumsnet, you'll get so much support here it's almost tangible.
I asked for an abortion with my DD2 when I was 24 weeks, luckily the midwife told me off and sent me home, but I think the decision to have a 2nd child is the hardest one you ever make because there is so much at stake.
I found it really hard with 2 and won't deny there were times I was an appalling mother, utterly disgusted with myself but we all got through it and today my children are so close and seem unscathed by the whole experience.
People sometimes imply that the first years of motherhood are blissful and to be savoured, I found they were to be endured and survived but I'm still glad I did and wouldn't change a thing today.
Keep posting.

milkysallgone · 04/01/2009 22:06

Hi Koshka, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now.

There's some really good advice on here, and it sounds as though you do really need to talk this through with someone who can offer you some real help.

If you remember me you'll know I'm not too far for a coffee and a chat - if you fancy it I'll give you my email.

Hope you're feeling a little better right now.

janek · 04/01/2009 22:20

being pg with dc2 is SO hard. i spent most of last year utterly miserable, because i was so tired, i now have dd2 and it's all gone away.

it upset me when people would say 'oh dd1 is 2, terrible 2s, not your fault etc' when i knew full well it was me being unreasonable and not her at all.

i can't offer any advice except to say that tiredness and hormones definitely skew how you feel. i was convinced i had ruined my relationship with dd1 and was going to end up stuck with a baby that i didn't want (even though she was planned) and that isn't what has happened at all. i can't tell you how many times i said 'i don't want another baby this much' or 'if i had known it would be like this i would never have got pregnant' and now i don't know how i feel, because i love her so much, but it was SO hard getting her here.

i hope you're okay. xxx.

mumoverseas · 05/01/2009 07:11

Hope you are ok today Koshka.
You have already had some really good advice on here and all I can add is that I can understand how you feel. In June I went to my GP thinking the menopause had started and was shell shocked to be told I was pregnant. I struggled to come to terms with it and felt I couldn't do it. I am old enough to be your mother and could technically be a grandmother. I have 3 kids already, aged 15, 12 and 2 and the 2 year old is VERY hard work. I get stressed with her sometimes but hope that doesn't make me a bad mother. I considered termination and at times felt suicidal as really thought I couldn't cope. However, I then started bleeding at 7 weeks, the day before I was going abroad for 3 weeks and had to wait til my return to find out whether my baby was ok. It was a very long 3 weeks and during that time I realised how much I wanted my baby. I am now 33 weeks and can't wait til my little one arrives.
As others have said, you need to talk to someone in RL, midwife/gp/anyone. Good luck to you xxx

Koshka · 05/01/2009 10:25

heelo. P is at work so i can get on the computer.

thank you all for the lovely messages. docs full today so am going tomorrow hopefully.

still all messed up. really should go as ds is still playing with his breakfast bowl.

OP posts:
QS · 05/01/2009 10:44

Koshka,
glad to see you posting.
But, are you looking after your son in the day time AFTER a full night of work? When are you sleeping? You must be awfully tired, no wonder if you feel you are overwhelmed and snapping. How are you getting enough sleep? Does your son go to nursery at all?
What is the "work division" like at your house? Do you come in from work, get your toddler up, feed him and play with him til daddy gets home? How does it work?

Pitchounette · 05/01/2009 11:00

Message withdrawn

Sushipaws · 05/01/2009 11:14

Hello Kosha,

I just noticed you op and I'm so sorry you feel so bad.

I had pnd with my dd and I was a real mess, I didn't realise I was depressed until I started getting help.

My dd is 21mo and I'm 7 weeks pregnant. I worry that I won't be able to cope, that dd will hate new baby and that I'll fall into depression again and end up with no friends like I did before. But if I start to feel the black fog of depression again I'll be straight to the doctors.

I wanted you to know your not alone and the hormones we produce while pregnant can drive us literally nuts. How's your sleep? Lack of sleep, or lack of a proper sleep pattern can bring on depression.

The facts are - you can get a termination for quite a few weeks yet so your options are open. You should never do anything drastic because you've paniced. Wait until you have a clear head and you've discussed things with a doctor (a good one) and your partner.

Keep posting,

Koshka · 19/01/2009 10:03

hello,

i was cut of the internet by the P.

he told me last night that he didnt even want this baby, so i have made my mind up to have an abortion.

i am 16 weeks so it is going to be difficult, so might have to go quite a long way away to get it done.

i cant cope with being PG any more.

have been fantasising about throwing myself down the stairs every time i walk down them its no good living like this!

also i worked out the other day i would onl be taking 12 weeks maternity as i couldnt aford to live on sat mat pay as the P only works 2 days a week and they have reduced his hours again.

OP posts:
orangehead · 19/01/2009 10:16

Koshka - I had very bad depression when I was pregnant with ds2. When I walked down the street, pushing ds1 in the buggy, I would fantase about throwing myself infront of the next passing lorry. I eventually went to the docotors, it was one of the hardest things ever to do, to admit how I was really feeling. But the gp was brilliant and gave me so much help. However I still didnt bond with the baby whilst I was pregnant and didnt want him.
Fortunely as soon as I have birth it was like the black cloud lifted, the depression instantly went and I bonded with him. Hormones can do terrible things to you when you are pregnant. Have you been to the docotors yet?
Regarding money, if your partner only works 2 days its very likely you will be able to get more help fiancially, it might be worth finding out. Thinking of you

orangehead · 19/01/2009 10:18

Should of been 'gave' not 'have'

Koshka · 19/01/2009 10:21

we already do.

but with my rent and council tax and ds's nursery fees i have it so my wages cover everything and my tax credits are for food/clothes etc.

OP posts:
LucyEllensmummy · 19/01/2009 10:30

HAve you spoken to your doctor yet koshka - please do so QUICKLY , today if possible, make an emergency appointment. Can you ring your midwife?

I am reading two things into this - firstly and most importantly - you seem to be suffering from depression and this needs adressing regardless of whether you keep the baby or not, you need to talk to someone in RL.

Secondly - are you afraid of your partner? You seem like a cat on a hot tin roof.

I don't know what to say to you about the baby, but your head is all over the place and you need to be very clear about what it is you want to do.

I will pray for you xx

Koshka · 19/01/2009 10:34

yes he gave me the paperwork and told me to call mariestopes. didnt even ask me why.

am in a 2 week waiting list for the only good doctor.
have noone in RL to talk to except P who is unresponsive to most things. he says it once and expects me to remember.

im shit scared of him leaving me! he wouldnt hurt me and is very good with DS.

OP posts:
browny · 19/01/2009 10:37

Hi Koshka, please go and see your doctor, if your colleagues at work are noticing you're not yourself you could be suffering with antenatal depression and it can be treated, your doctor can also put you in touch with professional support like surestart. I hope you have family close to you who can help you.

browny · 19/01/2009 10:39

Just read your last post, the doctor you went to see was awful, I can't believe he didn't want to discuss your feelings, please try and see another doctor as soon as you can x.

Koshka · 19/01/2009 10:39

thank you all for your messages.

aftger i have sorted my current issue out i need to address my poor parenting skills!

am worried though - if you ask for help do they tell social services? may start anoother thred

OP posts:
LucyEllensmummy · 19/01/2009 11:03

I second browny - the doctor was a PIG, try and get an appointment with a female doctor if you can.

I have looked at your profile, that is a lovely HAPPY looking little boy - you clearly love him loads and its there for us all to see.

They wont tell social services at all my love, i promise you that. I suffered with horrendous post natal depression which incedentally wasn't diagnosed until DD was 2. I really lost the plot, I am on ADs and im having counselling. I self harmed, talked about suicide and was VERY strange! NOT once was social services mentioned, no one has EVER questioned my suitability as a mother (i was scared they might but they have not). I did speak to a social worker, on MY request in order to get access to decent counselling, but she wasn't a childrens social worker she worked in mental health. I am not sure in all of the time i have been seen by doctors and counsellors have they even asked how i cope with DD. I cope as well as the next mum, so thats well on some days, shit on others.

Obviously your immediate issues are with sorting out an abortion (if that is what you decide upon - i really think you need counselling regarding this, yes your doctor was a bastard but Marie stopes are better equipped to help you, he is just like a glorified receptionist and would point you to a specialist if you were ill, its much the same as he has done here). I think you need some help with your D?P?? What is the story with his job? Things are really tough just now and maybe he is finding things hard to deal with just now. Why did he tell you he doesn't want the baby - did he give a reason or was it said in temper? You need to know these things.

You feel you need some help with parenting? Well you know, the one thing in my life i am confident about is being a mum, im fucking good at it. BUT, i am going on a positive parenting course being offered at a local primary school, because DD is becomint really challenging and i am finding it difficult - I don't think im a bad mum, but i could do with a helping hand, There is no shame in asking for help.

Is there a local surestart or homestart near you - they are fantastic, i went to a homestart playgroup, i didn't even tell them abuot my depression, but the set up is so supportive, because being a mum is hard and this group is set up to support all mums, and dads! A cup of tea while someone else keeps an eye on the LOs kept me sane (ish!). They can offer so much more than that, volunteers who come to your house, just for a chat, or to help out etc.

You sound like you have so much on your plate just now and you cannot cope with this alone. Write it down, make your partner read it. IF he leaves you, he didn't love you in the first place - he is still there, i suspect he loves you and isn't going to leave. I too am terrified of my DP leaving me, but that is because I have self esteem issues and i suspect you do too.

You need to start being kind to yourself or you are going to break down - sorry to be blunt, but you need some help.

Koshka · 19/01/2009 11:09

thank you. your right.

OP posts:
dilemma456 · 19/01/2009 11:15

Message withdrawn

Belgianchocolates · 19/01/2009 11:17

Oh Koshka, I feel so sorry for you. I think Lucy is right and you need to get some help. Definitely get some counselling before going down the termination route. If you don't you might end up feeling worse because you might find you regret your decision.
Hope you'll feel better soon. MN is here to support you, but of course medical help and counselling is something you'll have to access yourself.

MadameCastafiore · 19/01/2009 11:19

Please go and see your doctor - you sound as though you have postnatal depression and have been suffering in silence for a long time.

Keep posting too - there are lots of ladies on here who can help you.