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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell my neighbours that we can hear them having very loud sex?

94 replies

StreetcarNamedDesire · 01/01/2009 23:08

This is making me really miserable.

We've lived in our house for a year and a half. It's a semi, and our next door neighbours are a lovely, lovely couple, about 10 years older than us, with 2 DDs. They're really friendly and have lived in their house for years and years. There's a real sense of community and our neighbours are involved with everything, local church, school etc. They really are lovely.

The trouble is, we can hear them having sex. I could plot their sex life on a chart (it's excellent, by the sound of it, and at least twice a week). We hear her orgasming loudly, and frequently hear them both giggling about it afterwards.

My DP thinks it's really funny, but I am fed up with it. I feel embarrassed when I see them, and I dread Friday and Saturday nights. The noise has woken me up before, and we can hear them when we're downstairs and they're upstairs (like tonight).We have a new baby and a toddler, so we're not exactly quiet ourselves. We did move rooms to avoid hearing them, but now DD2 needs her own room we've had to move back to our original room (the spare room is tiny).

I really don't mind hearing neighbours in general. We hear their kids and their dog and I couldn't care less. But I feel it's an invasion of (their?) privacy to hear them being intimate. It's got to the point where I am desperate to move because it bothers me so much.

I don't listen to music when I'm in bed so it's not like I can drown it out. I also feel like I should be able to relax and read quietly in my own bed without listening to them shagging.

Over the holidays they also had sex whilst their in-laws were staying. So I can only assume they have no clue how loud they are (or don't care?)

I probably sound like a total prude and no doubt I should just laugh it off, but I can't, and I'm just totally fed up with it. I don't know whether I could ever face them again if I wrote them a note, and wouldn't that make them feel awful too?

Comments welcome...

OP posts:

nkf · 02/01/2009 13:08

We had this problem. I love our neighbours and get on well with them. When I saw one of them one day, I just said something like, "This is a bit embarrassing but I think you might like to know that we can hear everything that goes on in your bedroom." He blushed and they sorted out the problem with rugs and probably shagged on the sitting room floor. Then we moved bedrooms and everything is fine.

pinkteddy · 02/01/2009 13:46

You could consider sound proofing one wall in your bedroom. Friends of ours had this done in their front room as their neighbours were constantly playing loud music despite requests to turn it down. It has made a big difference and I don't think was hideously expensive.

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/01/2009 14:53

OMG - this could be me - apart from no kids/dog

if it really is a problem then you need to say something

some sounds carry, we can hear when next door turns off their lights and occassionaly tv in evenings but otherwise not a thing from them

they prob hate us - we have sex often,and have been known to make noises in pleasure - we never hear them, but they are in their 80's so prob never do it

hopefully our neighbours dont hear us,but if they did,i would like to think they could/would say something

just a simple comment like hope dd didnt disturb you as she was screaming last night,as sounds really carry at night

and leave it at that

gagamama · 02/01/2009 20:22

I used to live below a couple who were both in the Police (and therefore worked odd shifts) and they would have noisy sex at all times of the day and night. We used to give them applause and cheering when they were finished, or loudly mimic their ridiculously over-the-top sex noises while they were at it. They didn't stop, but it kept us amused.

However if it was interfering with my sleep, happiness or kids, I wouldn't hesitate to have a word. They don't have to stop, but at least they have the option, armed with the facts! (You say they have DDs, I assume they are grown up and not living with them and having to ovehear it too?)

amicissima · 02/01/2009 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

honeydew · 02/01/2009 22:01

I really feel for you, having to put up with this behaviour which is not fair on you or acceptable. We have a similar problem at the opposite end of the scale- my neighbours continuously row after getting drunk ( about once a month), have loud parties and certainly invade our space - it's just awful.

I'm not sure what the answer is- confrontation would be difficult and far too embarrassing but doing nothing is not the answer either.

I agree with others on here that if it is interfering with your sleep,happiness etc, then you must take some sort of action.

Perhaps use your child or children as a bargaining tool.If you could tell a little white lie it might help your situation.

Why not say that you have moved your baby into the room adjacent to theirs and that you can hear them talking quite loudly late at night. Maybe just ask politely if they could keep the noise ('talking') down as otherwise the baby wakes up and it means that you also have a more disturbed night. That way, you are not directly asking them to stop shagging as such but by asking them not to talk to loudly because of the baby, they may quiet down their lovemaking to a minimum as they are thinking of the baby.

It may not work and I can appreciate how awkward the situation is but if you ask them to stop 'talking' so loudly, it might be of some benefit.

Sorry, I have no other answers. Why are some people so rude and inconsiderate, however funny it might be when you have young kids?.You really,really don't need it. I have 3 under 5 and my neighbours constant arguing,swearing and total lack of consideration drives us to distraction.Good luck.

ScummyMummy · 03/01/2009 12:44

I don't get why it's not fair or acceptable for them to have sex in their own house as long as it's not at 3am or some anti-social hour. Streetcar has already said that the kids in both houses also make lots of noise and that the fault is with the (lack of) soundproofing and not people being selfish and noisy per se. Clearly Streetcar understandably feels awkward and embarrassed at this particular type of noise but that doesn't make it selfish of a couple to have sex, imo. I think you have to accept that it's your problem to solve, streetcar, and take steps to get some sound proofing or distraction noise in place.

SalBySea · 03/01/2009 12:57

I dont think they are being unreasonable
If it was loud swinging parties or all night coke and hookers parties then THAT would be unacceptable, but a bi-weekly bang in their own bedroom is not.

The problem is your thin walls and not your neighbours behaviour

Podrick · 03/01/2009 12:58

Err you say they have 2 dds - why aren't the dds disturbed by their parents noisy sex life?

matildax · 03/01/2009 13:08

there is nothing wrong with having sex, but some consideration for your neighbours is only polite.

its actually revolting listening to another couple have sex, so i really can relate to the ops feelings of upset.

podrick..... i used to get upset by the children next door to us, she has 3 kids, and they must have heard it.

i may be a prude but i found it really offensive.

in the middle of a deserted beach or the like, fine, scream your head off, if thats your thing, but not when there are other people to consider.

spookycharlotte121 · 03/01/2009 13:11

Lol my friend used to have this problem with her neighbours so one night when I was at hers having a takeaway/dvd night we heard them getting ready for bed. We went into my friends room and started jumping on the bed and making noises.... It was so funny, towards the end we couldn't keep straight faces and were doubled up laughing. They heard all of it, not sure if they have done it since but it was so much fun.....

go on, give it a go. You and your dh could have a bounce on the bed and make some dirty noises and they could have a taste of their own medicine!

batters · 03/01/2009 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SalBySea · 03/01/2009 13:14

but are they really "screaming their heads off" or just making a little noise - the OP says that she even hears them giggling afterwards so it sounds to me like they arent generating unreasonable noise levels, its just that she can hear EVERYTHING because of the thin walls.

For us to hear our neighbours here they would have to scream their heads off cause the walls are really thick but at the last place we lived we could hear our nighbours having sex even if they werent making much noise - but at that place we could even hear when people were just talking normally so it wasnt their fault.

Just cause the OP can hear them doesnt mean they are being excessively noisey as she said that lots of noises carry between the houses.

matildax · 03/01/2009 13:15

in my above post, i meant to say 'i used to get upset for the children, not by them!!!

matildax · 03/01/2009 13:20

well my neighbour used to scream really loudly!! it was horrendous. like i said, its not the most pleasant sound to listen to.
i now have a fan in my bedroom, which deadens out any noise, and the whirring helps me sleep like white noise.
so maybe op you should get one. it has helped for us.

BalthazarCandleQueen · 03/01/2009 13:32

When I was in Halls of Residence at Uni, my next door neighbours (Boy lived to me left, girl to my right) got it together and had very noisy sex in either room at any thime of day. I looped Jane Birkin & Serge Gainsbourg's "Je T'aime" onto tape and would stick my stereo on at full blast. Then i would go out, lock the door and head to the bar or seek refuge with a friend upstairs! After hearing that blast out at them for a couple of hours, they learnt to be a bit quieter (or maybe they just went al fresco?!)

BoffinMum · 03/01/2009 13:38

LOL Balthazar!!

BoffinMum · 03/01/2009 13:40

Before we moved here, we lived in a semi. The woman who lived in the other half was very up herself and unfriendly. However when having sex she used to mew like a cat, and we used to just POSL!! It was excellent entertainment.

yellowflowers · 03/01/2009 19:24

I think it is unreasonable to expect them not to do it, especially if just a couple of times a week. If I got a note like that I would be so embarrassed.It wouldn't stop me shagging but would stop me saying hello to my neighbours

kif · 04/01/2009 09:10

I think i was on the other side of this once.. we were living in a flat, and the landlord to the people who lived below us knocked on the door. He was very sheepish, and said that his tenants were complaining about the noise of us walking. I raised my eyebrows so high that they disappeared into my hairline and said "Walking?!? They'd like us to stop WALKING in our flat?". It was only later that evening when discussing it with DH that I realised what they were referring to. . I'm still not sure if the landlord and/or tenants knew they were being euphemistic.

DaddyJ · 04/01/2009 09:16

rofl at this thread

obviously I agree with your dp!

evaangel · 04/01/2009 09:25

before dh & I were married he lived in a flat, you could hear the guy upstairs snoring, dh used to go nuts, bang on the ceiling with a broom,so funny
now me I could sleep on a washing line but dh has to have absolute silence and no alarm clock flickering or snoring
pmsl @ this thread

I would just laugh it off

BoffinMum · 04/01/2009 15:24

In our London flat the guy above used to bring air hostesses back and hump, and hump, and hump, and hump .. it went on and on and on, so we started counting each hump for entertainment. We just couldn't work out why he would take so long coming. It was like the total reverse of premature ejaculation.

BalthazarCandleQueen · 04/01/2009 16:31

Don't happen to have that chap's phone number Boffin?

notnowplease · 04/01/2009 16:45

You will have to either move or put up with it!It is like sneezing everyone has their own style and if yoy try to stifle it it feels unfinished and we all know what thats like

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