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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my neighbours that we can hear them having very loud sex?

94 replies

StreetcarNamedDesire · 01/01/2009 23:08

This is making me really miserable.

We've lived in our house for a year and a half. It's a semi, and our next door neighbours are a lovely, lovely couple, about 10 years older than us, with 2 DDs. They're really friendly and have lived in their house for years and years. There's a real sense of community and our neighbours are involved with everything, local church, school etc. They really are lovely.

The trouble is, we can hear them having sex. I could plot their sex life on a chart (it's excellent, by the sound of it, and at least twice a week). We hear her orgasming loudly, and frequently hear them both giggling about it afterwards.

My DP thinks it's really funny, but I am fed up with it. I feel embarrassed when I see them, and I dread Friday and Saturday nights. The noise has woken me up before, and we can hear them when we're downstairs and they're upstairs (like tonight).We have a new baby and a toddler, so we're not exactly quiet ourselves. We did move rooms to avoid hearing them, but now DD2 needs her own room we've had to move back to our original room (the spare room is tiny).

I really don't mind hearing neighbours in general. We hear their kids and their dog and I couldn't care less. But I feel it's an invasion of (their?) privacy to hear them being intimate. It's got to the point where I am desperate to move because it bothers me so much.

I don't listen to music when I'm in bed so it's not like I can drown it out. I also feel like I should be able to relax and read quietly in my own bed without listening to them shagging.

Over the holidays they also had sex whilst their in-laws were staying. So I can only assume they have no clue how loud they are (or don't care?)

I probably sound like a total prude and no doubt I should just laugh it off, but I can't, and I'm just totally fed up with it. I don't know whether I could ever face them again if I wrote them a note, and wouldn't that make them feel awful too?

Comments welcome...

OP posts:
KatieMorag · 01/01/2009 23:27

is it pirate noises?

Original poster
StreetcarNamedDesire · 01/01/2009 23:30

Pannacotta yes 6 month old is still in with us

She doesn't cry at all except when she wakes in the middle of the night for a feed, then she goes back to sleep. But I'm sure they'll hear that.

Plus we've only just moved back into the room that adjoins with theirs due to change in bedroom arrangements and moving DD1 around.

Seriously though, I know it sounds funny, but would a note be a really shit thing to do? My gut feeling is I should shut up and live with it, but it's totally getting me down! And move in this market? !!

OP posts:
Original poster
StreetcarNamedDesire · 01/01/2009 23:33

Pannacotta no option on bedroom front, 2 main rooms adjoin their house, boxroom is on the external wall at the other side of the house with bathroom

So we can get a double bed in (just) but no bedside cabinets, wardrobes etc.

OP posts:
Deemented · 01/01/2009 23:41

I think i'd ask her if i could borrow him for an hour - just to see if he's as good as she's making out....

MellorstheGardener · 01/01/2009 23:46

If you can't afford the sound-proofing (and I know it may be costly) then I think you have to have a girlie chat with her. A note (in my view) would be far worse, unless you could insist she burns it after reading.

If you decide to move (which could be tricky in this climate) what will you say to prospective buyers? "We're moving to get away from our neighbours' enthusiastic high decibel shagging"

ipanemagirl · 01/01/2009 23:57

We used to have a flat below a woman who screamed like a banshee every Friady night when she shagged her boyfriend who lived elsewhere during the week. It was so irritating particularly when we had our parents around.
But I'm too typically British, can't imagine addressing it directly.
But talking really loudly right after they've finished and saying things like "DARLING I JUST CAN'T SLEEP TONIGHT" or if you were really bold
"DARLING I CAN'T SLEEP BECAUSE OF THAT NOISE WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS?"

My mother lived in a flat below 2 gay men who had apparently extremely vocal and energetic sex 2 or 3 times a week. My poor mother... she's quite religious.... but they moved...

leoleosuperstar · 02/01/2009 00:19

I think they already know you can hear and try to be quite and then forget again.
I think sometimes when your having sex you either think you aren't being noisy when you actually are or you think you are being very noisy when actually no one can hear the duvet moving about..
Poor you - my dp used to find it funny when he heard our old neighbours having sex.

Deemented · 02/01/2009 00:21

Or you could buy them a gag.....

ipanemagirl · 02/01/2009 00:33

deemented.. that would only encourage them! You know what these sex maniacs are like! Anything can stimulate them to new heights of shouty shouty listen to us sexy sex!

BoccaDellaVerita · 02/01/2009 00:34

Do you really think they're exhibitionists?

ShinyPinkShoes · 02/01/2009 00:41

Do they have neighbours the other side of them?

If they do and you wrote a note, you wouldn't need to sign saying who it was from which might save a degree of embarrassment

MillyR · 02/01/2009 00:41

A bit like in the MN classic horse thread, my neighbours used to pretend to be horses and whinny during sex. Fortunately they were a bit posh so moved to a bigger house, but prior to that we did have to swap rooms with our son so he didn't hear it through the wall. I would try earplugs, and don't say anything in case they are exhibitionists and it encourages them.

Tortington · 02/01/2009 00:44

you need to mimic them

ScummyMummy · 02/01/2009 01:02

Sorry- must be annoying but there's nothing you can do by communicating with them, imo. I think it would be disasterous to send them a note or talk about it to them. They'll just be peeved or mortified and probably both. And what can they do about it? You can't ask them not to have sex. Some people are loud and some aren't. Most inhibiting to be asked to change your sexual style! Earplugs, listen to radio/music, soundproofing, room swap with kids too young to care or house move are your only options I reckon.

BalloonSlayer · 02/01/2009 08:45

What's on the adjoining wall? Could you have fitted wardrobes put up?

They cost a fortune but less than moving.

2manychips · 02/01/2009 09:56

There was a thread similar to this recently. Our neighbour complained she could hear us shagging, everytime we had a romp she would bang on the walls etc. Although we were embarassed it most certainly didnt stop us.

theladysnowlush · 02/01/2009 10:07

It's a tricky one. Maybe you could put your bed in the box room and use your main bedroom as a luxurious dressing room? I personally wouldn't say anything to them, but I do sympathise with your plight.

edam · 02/01/2009 10:15

Oh blimey. Um, I'd keep going with the being VERY noisy yourself whenever they are - slamming doors, shouting 'well done!' when she's really loud, playing your music - anything to make it clear you can hear.

If all else fails, suggest THEY move bedrooms?

Upwind · 02/01/2009 10:19

If you can hear their drawers opening and closing and they are kept awake by the buzzing of your wall light - they are probably not being noisy at all.

YABU to expect that they should restrict themselves to silent, tantric sex or none at all. I don't see why you have rejected all soundproofing suggestions.

purepurple · 02/01/2009 11:25

10 mins a couple of times a week isn't too bad is it?
I can hear my next door neighbour moving her coathangers in her cupboard for 20 mins every morning, choosing what to wear, I just feel like shouting at her "just wear that bloody one!!"

MrsMerryHenry · 02/01/2009 11:26

Love CarGirl's suggestion about 'banging on the wall' - sounds like that's what the OP's neighbours have been doing!

giraffescantdancethetango · 02/01/2009 12:10

Oh god no don't stop them shagging...what if that ruins their marriage then they start fighting and throwing things, you will have to listen to that constantly instead. Better to have to deal with a few shagging incidents!

theladysnowlush · 02/01/2009 12:41

lol at purepurple

CatMandu · 02/01/2009 12:50

Being that she's already said a number of times that she's aware of how much family noise they make I think you could be brave and talk to her about it. Don't send a note. I think you could invite her for coffee and address it as a joint problem. Say something like, 'look I know you are aware of how much noise travels between our two houses and I wonder if there's a way we can reduce the impact on both of us. We wonder if you can here our dc's in the night, the outside lights or even - I know it's embarrassing here us having sex? We can here you"

matildax · 02/01/2009 13:01

streetcar.... oh my god i empathise with you!!
i had exactly the same problem when we moved to this house. it was hideous, made me feel sick etc...
my dp used to call it the concert!!
and we still call her 'consey' when referring to her now.
anyway i couldn't take anymore and i went round. i am not really a confrontational person, and found it really hard to bring it up, but she was ok.
she did say however that if it was the other way round and it was us making the noise, she would not have mentioned it as it was our private life... i pointed out that it was not private, when we had to sit through numerous loud shags!!!
anyway, it stopped for ages, so obviously they were very considerate after i told them. the walls here are paper thin so occasionally we hear them still but its not often anymore!!!
i am really glad i went round, as it was making me feel quite ill.
good luck if you decide to go round, i am sure it wont be too bad

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