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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want more

55 replies

souldestroyed · 01/01/2009 19:41

My wife assures me all is fine in our relationship, we have children and finding time for each other is hard, the problem is every time I suggest some intimacy or make a move I am rebuffed or she finds something she just has to do, it seems like she is procrastrinating. I always have to make the first move, she never has, it was a joke between us that if we waited for her to innitiate sex we would be childless. I have asked her if she no longer finds me attractive or their is another reason why she doesn't feel the need to be close with me, I always reassure her she is very sexy and we are always honest with each other. Everytime she makes an excuse or pushes me away I am just expected to understand but the rejection I feel seems unbearable at times. AIBU to want more than this, and to be clear I don't mean more sex par se, more time cuddling would be nice.

OP posts:
chloemegjess · 01/01/2009 19:47

Maybe try working on the time together cuddling etc first? Me and my DH have this problem sometimes, but the more he tries it on, the less I am in the mood. I would maybe see if you can put aside say an hour or maybe have an evening where you just sit and watch and DVD and have a take away etc but DON'T try for anything else? If you work on spending the quality time togther, the rest can come later.

Does she work or is she at home?

squik · 01/01/2009 19:51

I would say that even if you work full time and she was a sahm, I would still make sure that you did half the housework, that way she might feel less tired, and more inclined to be closer to you emotionally. I would also make sure that you are both in the loop re: finances, and doing all you can to be debt free,

These are all reasons to be depressed, and maybe reason why she doesn;t feel close anymore.

Dragonfly74 · 01/01/2009 19:53

Hi, I don't think YABU to want more your relationship sound much the same as mine and DH's. my DH must feel the same as you we have 2 DC's and although I love DH very much and still find him very attractive I find it hard to switch from being mother to lover iyswim.
I feel guilty about the lack of intimacy in our relationship.
How old are you DC's BTW?

lilacclaire · 01/01/2009 20:29

The thing that makes me not want to be intimate with my DP is that he does very little around the house without me asking/telling him to, which when I do makes me feel like a nag, and if I don't ask then I feel resentful that he hasnt done anything.

Hardly puts me in the mood for a cuddle or anything else.

stillenacht · 01/01/2009 20:30

OMG is that my DH?

noonki · 01/01/2009 20:33

maybe try a no sex thing for a bit. just cuddling

and let her get used to that again

I get annoyed when dh comes in for a cuddle and it always leads to a move for more...everytime...ends up making me tense

talk about it but NOT in the house, but out on a walk...otherwise will end in arguement.

stillenacht · 01/01/2009 20:36

noonki - i am the same you know exactly what he wants when he goes in for a cuddle its like - "Durr i am not stupid!".... nice just to hold her hand for a moment when she knows its not going to have to end up with the inevitable, do something nice for her - make her tea/coffee, run her a bath (but not just the once cos she will know its for an ulterior motive)

llareggub · 01/01/2009 20:38

A lot of men think that sex is the way to prove their love for their partner. For me, sex is obviously enjoyable and fun and great, but needs to be placed in the bigger picture. Are you a partner in every sense of the word? Do you take your full share in the running of the house? Do you talk, have fun together, spend time together?

Original poster
souldestroyed · 01/01/2009 20:40

I work she dont. I do most jobs around the house as she has the harder job of looking after the children. I don't try things just to get my way with her, I would be happy with a cuddle to be honest but she pushes me away.

OP posts:
stillenacht · 01/01/2009 20:40

YANBU

but agree totally with llareggub

Fwiw my experience is that being a mother has totally shifted my mindset re sex. Only recently beginning to get back into swing of things and my DC are 9 and 5

andaSOLOnewyear · 01/01/2009 20:41

But isn't sex a basic need for men especially?

stillenacht · 01/01/2009 20:43

Perhaps she is depressed or bored (not of you but of life in general i mean). Personally i couldn't be a SAHM as it would bore the titties off me so perhaps she feels heavy and burdened - seeing to DC's needs and then to yours...i dunno

Its very very common and very difficult.

Our topic of rows (not that we really have them) is always about this.

squik · 01/01/2009 20:44

Then help with the children too. Believe me, it will not emasculate you in her eyes, and obviously it won't kill you to help her more. The more time she has free the more relaxed she will feel ....

squik · 01/01/2009 20:45

sol, its not a basic need, food and water are basic needs, sex is not; sex is a basic want.

squik · 01/01/2009 20:45

solo, its not a basic need, food and water are basic needs, sex is not; sex is a basic want.

Original poster
souldestroyed · 01/01/2009 20:46

I think I am coming across wrong here, I don't just want sex, and I do more than my fair share around the flat. I would love us to just share a bath together, she says no.
The act of sex is not so importannt to me as feeling close to the one I love, she pushes me away when I try to kiss and changes the subject when I try and discuss things. It must be me, but I dont kno what the problem is.

OP posts:
llareggub · 01/01/2009 20:47

Sex a basic need for men especially?

Er, no! Why would men would men have a particular need for sex over women? It isn't as if their penises would fall off if they don't have regular orgasms.

I hate that mindset that men have to have sex. I think that is often the thinking behind justification for date-rape.

llareggub · 01/01/2009 20:48

souldestroyed, maybe timing might be an issue?

stillenacht · 01/01/2009 20:48

Has she put on weight since the birth of your children - she may feel embarrassed and that her body is now functional.. (dependeing on age of your DC's)

Despite the fact that my DH tells me i am gorgeous in his eyes i feel like shit and i need time to build up confidence again

Could this be the same for your wife?

Original poster
souldestroyed · 01/01/2009 20:52

squik I do help, in fact I could be post a whole other thread about my wife being lazy, because I can leave for work with the house tidy, and come home to a sink full of pots, and the house messy, which I then clean, then I cook dinner and put the children to bed, she falls asleep on the sofa and goes to bed, there is no possible way I could help more unless I gave up work, and I have offered to swap and she can work but no.
I am starting to wish I hadnt posted now, I feel worse, wholly inadaquate and unwanted and un needed.

OP posts:
Sycamoretree · 01/01/2009 20:52

What's her self confidence like at the moment - and I mean REALLY (like, ask her, rather than assume). Just because you reassure her you find her sexy, if she is unhappy with herself, it can make you retreat into yourself and not want to be intimate either emotionally or physically.

I bet she still adores you, don't worry.

stillenacht · 01/01/2009 20:53

no please don't feel like that souldestroyed - if she has said she loves you i am sure she does

does anything i have said make sense?

J2O · 01/01/2009 20:53

sorry, but to be honest it sounds like she may be depressed How old are your DCs? have you tried speaking to her about it?

Original poster
souldestroyed · 01/01/2009 20:54

No shes not put on weight and I wouldnt care if she did. I did state in my OP that this isnt just about sex, I see a nice cuddle on the sofa as intimate as well.

OP posts:
Sycamoretree · 01/01/2009 20:55

Don't feel like that - but to be honest, your wife sounds like she might be a bit depressed. Like she can't attack her day or her responsiblities. Was she always like this? If not, something has happened to make her feel like this. If someone is depressed, they just can't be arsed doing anything. They feel tired all the time. This "laziness" as it would be easy to read it, I agree, might just be another extension of her lack of interest in sex - she's just opting out of her life in some ways? Does that make any sense? Do you think she's happy? Did she ever work?

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