AIBU to want more

[souldestroyed]

My wife assures me all is fine in our relationship, we have children and finding time for each other is hard, the problem is every time I suggest some intimacy or make a move I am rebuffed or she finds something she just has to do, it seems like she is procrastrinating. I always have to make the first move, she never has, it was a joke between us that if we waited for her to innitiate sex we would be childless. I have asked her if she no longer finds me attractive or their is another reason why she doesn't feel the need to be close with me, I always reassure her she is very sexy and we are always honest with each other. Everytime she makes an excuse or pushes me away I am just expected to understand but the rejection I feel seems unbearable at times. AIBU to want more than this, and to be clear I don't mean more sex par se, more time cuddling would be nice.

you could be me and my dh souldestroyed. (I know you aren't dh as you said you live in a flat) I can't really post much more, but believe me you are not alone. I put it down to(for us anyway) that we are both working hard and actually I think we are both depressed. I'm sure I have/had PND but have not gone to the doctor as i'm sure that once I get a few things sorted that I will be happier. ATM there is no time, we both feel overwhelmed by everything. We have little family support and rare opportunities to be alone. We tend to go out seperately as finding a babysitter is hard and we can't afford to pay anyone.

I;m hoping that the love I have for dh and the love I know he has for me will see us through. I miss him though. Soudns stupid as we;re here together all the time, but I do. I miss us pre dc. We have spoken about this and we are both aware that there is something missing atm, but tbh neither of us seem to have the energy to initiate anything. I'm hoping that once my problem is sorted(a working hours issue) then I will be happier and therefore dh will be and we can begin to find each other again.

There is also the issue that both dh and I have gained weight since having dc. I don't like seeing myself let alone show anyone else! so I know I have things to sort there. I used to feel good about myself, but now I have that baby belly going on. I'm sure dh isn't fussed but I am. Dh has set his sights on doing a triathlon in April so is on the fitness campaign as of now. I will but not yet. DD starts school in a week and I want to have my mind on that and work atm. Although there's always an excuse not to diet! I will be trying but not full on going for the weight loss IYSWIM

Anyway, sorry for the rambling post It's very hard when you have young dc

One poster asked if your DP had gained weight and I think you responded that she hadn't and wouldn't be important to you if she had, but I think body image is about how one feels about oneself and not how we are perceived. (oh and as a woman I would say it's more than weight: stretch marks for example can alter your body image)

Souldestroyed - have you gone for you nice bath and bed? If so, I'll check back in tomorrow evening to see how you're feeling.

souldestroyed, i'm on the other side of a very similar situation. we had sex twice in the whole of 2008 and we are very distant at the moment. Not sure if this will help but this is what i would love my dp to do for me to make me feel closer to him and more likely to cuddle and maybe more:

...he could crack open a bottle of champagne one evening, bring me a glass, and announce that he had arranged a babysitter and booked a table at a local restaurant, and tell me i looked absolutely beautiful and he loved me more than ever before and thought i was the most amazing woman (and mother) and he really missed spending time with me and having fun together, just the two of us.

...i would love it if he really listened to me and made me feel important, and initiated conversations about stuff other than the day-to-day stuff. all we talk about is housework and whether we need milk or bread and childcare arrangements and where are the nappies and do the kids need a bath tonight. boring! i also have a brain! (or used to anyway)

...or he could bring me a cup of tea and massage my shoulders and show me that he understood that even though i am not perfect, i do try...

good luck. it sounds like you do loads (and you do nothing wrong and lots right) but don't forget to try to make her feel really amazing.

One piece of advice I was given by my dad was that everyone believes that they contribute more to the relationship than their partner does. I have always tried to keep this in my mind during disagreements with my husband.

You may feel you do more because you come in and do the washing up. Your partner may be thinking.... but I have been at home all day with a teething baby (example) who has not stopped crying and a toddler demanding to paint and I have not even had the chance to go to the loo on my own and my partner has been to work and had an hours lunch break, thus I deserve to lie down on the sofa for an hour while he washes up.

It is better to not get into an 'I do more than my partner' mindset as it is very destructive, and if both partners believe that about each other, then a lot of resentment builds up.

Like other posters, I worry that she might have depression, although if she is tired all the time, perhaps a visit to the doctors to check for something like anaemia.