Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU to want more

55 replies

souldestroyed · 01/01/2009 19:41

My wife assures me all is fine in our relationship, we have children and finding time for each other is hard, the problem is every time I suggest some intimacy or make a move I am rebuffed or she finds something she just has to do, it seems like she is procrastrinating. I always have to make the first move, she never has, it was a joke between us that if we waited for her to innitiate sex we would be childless. I have asked her if she no longer finds me attractive or their is another reason why she doesn't feel the need to be close with me, I always reassure her she is very sexy and we are always honest with each other. Everytime she makes an excuse or pushes me away I am just expected to understand but the rejection I feel seems unbearable at times. AIBU to want more than this, and to be clear I don't mean more sex par se, more time cuddling would be nice.

OP posts:

stillenacht · 01/01/2009 20:55

I wonder if its that she is depressed, knackered and feeling as if she is purely functional cos those things are sooo sooo sooo common

Original poster

souldestroyed · 01/01/2009 20:55

Thanks for the chat everyone, I think I am gonna have a bath and go to sleep.

OP posts:

TheInvisibleManDidIt · 01/01/2009 20:55

Are you my Dh?

I love him loads, but he does nothing to help in the house, he can't look after ds's when i'm at work without phoning me to ask whats for dinner, where this is, or what does he do with that.

If she feels like she's looking after another child, then it certainly does dampen any sexual desire.

Also for you, does cuddleing mean sitting together, holding her/ eachother and enjoy being close without any 'pressure' of more...or does it mean she sits close to you, so you straight away grab her bum, or put your hand down her top, or pull her hand onto your crotch? Because that's not a cuddle and that won'tmake her feel loved and sexy.

It's hard to be a mother, a wife, a home-maker and a lover. So many roles and it's impossible to just switch from one to the other automatically.

stillenacht · 01/01/2009 20:56

My GP told me last year when i was prescribed AD's that sex is one of the first things to go in a relationship when one or other is depressed (quite obvious really)

squik · 01/01/2009 20:57

You have posted this before haven't you.
I have read a thread like this before(also from a man)
I am sorry tho, I hadn't meant to make you feel bad, its just that I wondered if she had post natal depression and could do with a lot of help around the house and with the kids, and wondered if you instinctively did it with out her needing to ask, if this might make her feel more 'loving'.
Btw, could it be PND, you can start having pnd any time up to two years after the birth of a baby.

TheInvisibleManDidIt · 01/01/2009 20:58

Ah ok, xpost with loads. See it'snothing to do with things i mentioned.

stillenacht · 01/01/2009 20:58

Thats what i said earlier TIMDI.

Great minds and all that

This is the argument my DH and I have - not about money or anything else - always this issue

Original poster

souldestroyed · 01/01/2009 21:00

I posted above that I do most of the housework, and work, but I have no resentment issues as I dont mind. Thanks invisable, you've confirmed for me that it must be my fault, even thou I do pretty much everything it cant be enough right.

She is probably depressed, I have been depressed for a few years now, quite severely at times, my way of dealing with it was to hide it from people.

OP posts:

stillenacht · 01/01/2009 21:01

maybe thats what she is doing with you if she is depressed - hiding from intimacy?

Original poster

souldestroyed · 01/01/2009 21:02

I do it all 'instinctively' as if I didn't then it wouldnt get done. pure and simple.

I feel there is more wrong, she just goes to bed without saying a word. like tonight.

OP posts:

stillenacht · 01/01/2009 21:05

Its wierd cos i am up here chatting with you while my Dh is downstairs

I haven't said a word to him too

I love him

tbh it does sound as if you are a bit miffed that you do most of the housework

Perhaps being a mum has taken her by surprise the day in day out mundaneness of it all and made her depressed

noonki · 01/01/2009 21:07

souldestroyed,

I reakon there is rarely 'blame' when it comes to loss of libido

and loss of libido is often linked to not liking to be touched.

sex doesn't have to a part of a happy relationship but I think physical contact does.

It is really really common.

How old are you kids? YOu both sound knackered, stressed and depressed.

Do you have any 'quality time' together with and without the kids?

How is the rest of your relationship?

to me you are coming across a nice bloke who is asking a very fair enough question.

Sycamoretree · 01/01/2009 21:09

Souldestroyed - it sounds like you could both do with some really frank discussions with each other - do you feel up to challenging her? She is DEFINITELY retreating into herself - if I get really sad, I have been known to just drift off to bed without a word to anyone. It is hard to speak when you feel really low - something you obviously are familiar with. Sounds like you're doing an incredible job keeping everything going, but your DW has to face up to the problems you guys are having - do you think you can make this happen in a safe and loving way? You need some tlc too - if you can reach out to each other you can get through this low point.

Does she MN? Could you show her this thread, or even bits of it? Maybe she has no idea just how bad you are feeling. I think it would be a good idea to tell her. Women, despite our claims to the contrary, aren't mind readers either.

TheInvisibleManDidIt · 01/01/2009 21:09

God, sorry souldestoyed, I didn't want to make you feel worse.

As I said, xpost, so can see you helping house etc..

stillenacht · 01/01/2009 21:10

sycamoretree - brilliant post

andaSOLOnewyear · 01/01/2009 21:11

I have been sex starved for several years by Dd's dad. I don't think it's less of a need for women at all, but IME, I find that men in general have a more basic need for it than women. It boils down to hormones.

Sycamoretree · 01/01/2009 21:12

stillenacht

stillenacht · 01/01/2009 21:12

i agree solo - when i was pg with my DS's i was pretty randy and felt v different from general non pg self - due to extra testosterone apparantly

squik · 01/01/2009 21:13

Soul, I want more too.
I want a husband that wants sex more than once every 9 months, but I haven't got one. I want a husband that doesn't think kissing is only for when you have sex! I want a husband who will occasionally look at the kitchen and think I'll do the dishes/hoover/dinner/change the beds/clean the toilet/put the kids to bed to save squik. But I haven't got one. I have to ask for help, I would love him to be instinctive with the housework/kids, but he is not.
I would also like to stop feeling like his mother/friend and to start feeling like his lover. It ain't going to happen. I like the fact that you want to help, so I just wrote a general list.
I do though, think your dp has pnd, especially as she is hiding from life, all I say is be nice to her, and try to keep on easing her burdens (without either bragging about them or belittling her because you spotted that they needed doing, in fact just do them don't tell her that you have done them) and I do hope that things pick up. If they don't, well don't leave it 20 years like me, ask your doctor to refer you BOTH to a phsycosexual councellor, it has a 6 to 9 month waiting list, but it is free.

chloemegjess · 01/01/2009 21:14

Souldestroyed, I don't think anybody is in any way suggesting it is your fault at all? All the responses I have read seem very supportive, and seem to be trying to help?

Maybe you could try and talk to her doctor? She does sound depressed, is this something you could talk to her about?

For what it is worth, I don't think it is to do with you at all, it seems about her.

CatR1 · 01/01/2009 21:15

Hi everyone,

New to this so bear with me. Souldestroyed - both of you sound like you could do with a break from the everyday stresses. It sounds like you help out loads so that's probably not the issue here, it could have nothing to do with you. How about arranging a night out just the two of you?

noonki · 01/01/2009 21:19

good idea CatR1

and welcome to mn!

CatR1 · 01/01/2009 21:20

Thanks

chloemegjess · 01/01/2009 21:22

what is your situation money wise? I am just wondering if you could maybe afford to get a cleaner? Just to take some of the stress out of things?

Maybe you could get a babysitter and go out for a night out or 2? Even if it is just for dinner or somthing? Do you have a birthday/annerversary or anything coming up? Just trying to think of a way of it not being a big deal? If so, maybe she could have her hair and make up done to give her a bit of a boost?

beanieb · 01/01/2009 21:23

Have you talked to her about it?

Flip

1 2 3