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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel upset about my mum?

55 replies

MrsSnape · 30/12/2008 20:30

Earlier this year my mum said her husband wanted to go away for christmas. She didn't seem as though she wanted to as it would mean not seeing my DS's but she came around and it got booked. I was a bit upset because I have no other friends or family around. I am a single parent and so knew this basically meant I'd be on my own all christmas.

I tried not to let it bother me but my grandma kept saying she thought my mum was a bit mean leaving me on my own all christmas. I saw my grandma a couple of days before christmas day so it didn't see 'too' bad but still a bit lonely and depressing.

Anyway, My mum was away from the 19th December until the 27th and when she got back she kept saying "oh I felt awful leaving you on your own all christmas, was you upset? was you depressed? bet you wish you had someone now, don't you?" etc but added "well, at least we will see you next christmas"

Anyway, she's just phoned and said "well, next christmas is all booked". I said "booked? what do you mean?" so she said "oh, we're going away again for christmas, and taking your grandma with us this time...I would have invited you but you won't be able to afford it will you?"

It's true, I wouldn't be able to afford it as we're going abroad in Oct but I'm a bit pissed off that they're going away again and this time, my grandma is going too (when she was the one saying they were being selfish last time) so I'm literally going to have nobody around next christmas at all.

Am I being selfish? I know I am really but I can't help feeling a bit down about it all. This christmas was a bit crap, me and the kids didn't see anyone at all from the 22nd until the 28th and it looks like next year is going to be even worse

OP posts:

yousaidit · 30/12/2008 20:32

no, yanbu, and i'd tell your mum this directly to lay on a huge guilt trip to see if you get any results.

prettybutterfly · 30/12/2008 20:32

Not selfish, or unreasonable.

rubyslippers · 30/12/2008 20:32

it seems a bit odd for your mum to ask if you were upset and then do the same again!

I would feel down - could you not have sorted it so your holiday was with her and not in October?

TWINSETinapeartree · 30/12/2008 20:34

I can understand why you are upset and I would not do this if my dd was on her own with a child but you cannot expect your mum to put her life on hold for you.

Leo9 · 30/12/2008 20:34

TBH you're well rid of such a cruel woman.

That is not the behaviour of a normal loving mum.

I realise it must be hard on your own at Christmas though. In future years why not book a little holiday for you and the kids in a hotel or something? Take yourself away and sod your frankly strange mother.

TWINSETinapeartree · 30/12/2008 20:35

But agree with ruby that it is a bit odd, is she trying to encourage you to meet someone new or widen you social circle?

pamelat · 30/12/2008 20:35

Oh dear.

Personally I think that it was wrong of them to book it without consulting you, especially as your grandma is going too.

Is there someone (partner wise) that they are trying to push you towards? It sounds a bit like that. Its not very nice to say "bet you wish you had someone now".

I think that it was ok of your mum to go this time but she blatantly told you that she would be around next year and has gone back on that, without even telling you gently.

Personally I would consider saving and asking them to contribute towards you going to, maybe if they replaced all birthday and christmas presents for all of you with holiday donations? I don't know your personal situation though or how much their Christmas break is costing.

On the other hand, I am all for going away at christmas as I would imagine its a lot less stressful but this has been handled badly by your mum. I dont think its selfish to go away, I think its selfish to not consult you or alternate going away with staying around.

onebatmotherofgoditschilly · 30/12/2008 20:36

Oh, that's a bit crap, MrsSnape! How horrid for you.

did you say anything? Like 'yes it was a bit lonely for all of us?' What is your mother like usually?

I think that, if they go ahead, the only thing to do is to be honest about your hurt, and then put it away and concentrate on making friends that you can see on the days before and immediately after Christmas.

We're miles away from family here but we've got a reasonable amount of local friends and we've seen people briefly every day - just enough to enjoy being on our own, iyswim.

Having more friends locallly is always a good thing, I htink.

cheshirekitty · 30/12/2008 20:36

Why guilt trip the mum. Does she not deserve a treat or 2 now her kids are grown up and she can do what she likes at Christmas.

I feel there is no right or wrong in this situation.

jollyoldstnickschick · 30/12/2008 20:37

You have a year to plan and arrange the christms you want local theatre groups do pantos and you will only have you and your dc to please.

Your mum does sound a bit odd tho to have arranged it like this.

Original poster

MrsSnape · 30/12/2008 20:37

Mines been booked ages, since April.

I don't know what it is with her to be honest. I get a bit pissed off because it seems she only wants me when there is nobody else around. For instance this week we were supposed to be going to take the kids to town to spend their christmas money...its usually a case of meeting up, going shopping, going for lunch...its usually a nice day out.

But because her husband is off work this week, she didn't really want to go and now has arranged it so that he comes with us what a barrel of laughs that will be Which means the day will just be about him again.

On a weekend they go and visit all the family but NEVER come here. Yet if she has nobody else, she's on the phone asking what I'm doing etc.

It pisses me off really.

OP posts:

herbietea · 30/12/2008 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hercules1 · 30/12/2008 20:41

Oh poor you. You are not being unreasonable at all.

prettybutterfly · 30/12/2008 20:42

herbie ... so she shouldn't have said she wouldn't do it again only to change her mind. Mixed messages - not nice.

Original poster

MrsSnape · 30/12/2008 20:42

Sounds stupid and a bit self pitying but sometimes it feels like she's trying to rub it in about how shit things are.

Like she'll say "don't you ever wish you could meet someone and get married?" or "don't you ever wish you could move off that estate?" (err yes, but your bloody husband refused to be a guarantor, remember )

And the constant "don't you get lonely? up there on your own? are you depressed?"

etc etc it drives me ffing nuts.

OP posts:

TWINSETinapeartree · 30/12/2008 20:46

You have your holiday to look forward to though dont you .

Leo9 · 30/12/2008 20:46

it does sound as if she is trying to rub it in!

Perhaps it is her attempt at motivating you to change things. It's the only thing I can think of that would explain those strange questions.

What positive effect does she have on you, your life, or your kids? Genuine question.

herbietea · 30/12/2008 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

onebatmotherofgoditschilly · 30/12/2008 20:49

Oh MrsSnape - just remembered your guarantor thread.

I know it sometimes seems as though people use this as a catch-all - but have you had a look at the STately Homes thread?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 30/12/2008 20:50

MrsSnape, I think it's shit really. I would be VERY surprised if my mum ever did anything like that to me. Am also surprised that some people think it's a reasonable thing for her to do!

My mum is a thoughtful person and even though I've got DH, she would have asked what my plans for Xmas were before she'd booked even the first time. If I was in your situation and my mum knew I was on my own with the kids frankly I doubt it would even enter her head to go away.

Still can't believe all these people thinking that she is a grown woman and can go away for Xmas if she likes without thinking of inviting you along. I thought Xmas is the one time of year we're all supposed to make an effort to come together as a family, not flouncing off to have a treat or 2 (cheshirekitty) when you could do that at any other time of the year!

Sounds like she's not the type of person to think about how the way she behaves in general will affect other people, going from what you describe.

I am very and for you. And at some of these posts.

Original poster

MrsSnape · 30/12/2008 20:51

To be honest, I think she's trying to boast about her own life.

A few years ago, she was in a worse state than me. Not a penny to her name, single parent, council house, no prospects, no future...her solution was the marry the first bloke that seemed 'alright'. So now she has money, she has someone (even if she doesn't love him) and she has her own house, holidays every year etc...I think its her way of saying "Look how well I'm doing, shame you're not"

I know it sounds ridiculous but she is a bit like that, VERY self centered and I still swear blind that's why they wouldn't help me move house, because they hated the thought of me living in a better area than they are.

She never motivates me to change things, if anything its the opposite. A normal conversation:

me: I have a job interview...
mum: (a slight sigh) oh. what for?
me: admin assistant...
mum: oh right, well, good luck. Hey, did I tell you about Horace next door?"

Same when I was doing an open uni course, she didn't want to know, I even caught her rolling her eyes once when I mentioned it.

OP posts:

CurlyhairedAssassin · 30/12/2008 20:52

Oh, and your grandma has let you down as well. By the way, usually on these family issues threads on AIBU, I think the OP is usually being selfish and having a moan and not thinking of the other person's point of view, but I really think that you have a right to be upset in this situation.

TWINSETinapeartree · 30/12/2008 20:56

MrsSnape your mum sounds like mine and I think that your Christmas would not have been much nicer of she was there.

Perhaps use this as the driving force to make your life in 2009 better.

Original poster

MrsSnape · 30/12/2008 20:56

It makes it worse because I used to be close with my cousins (I have around 15 cousins) and we're all similar ages. Every christmas every single one of them are invited over to their parents houses (my aunts and uncles) and they all have big christmas dinners together etc...

I'm always left on my own I'm not close enough to my aunts and uncles to go to them. New Year I'm on my own too. I suppose I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself.

OP posts:

CurlyhairedAssassin · 30/12/2008 20:56

Then she doesn't sound like the type of person I'd particularly want to spend a holiday with anyway! Maybe you were better spending Xmas on your own as you woulnd't have been exposed to such nasty comments.

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