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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset about my mum?

55 replies

MrsSnape · 30/12/2008 20:30

Earlier this year my mum said her husband wanted to go away for christmas. She didn't seem as though she wanted to as it would mean not seeing my DS's but she came around and it got booked. I was a bit upset because I have no other friends or family around. I am a single parent and so knew this basically meant I'd be on my own all christmas.

I tried not to let it bother me but my grandma kept saying she thought my mum was a bit mean leaving me on my own all christmas. I saw my grandma a couple of days before christmas day so it didn't see 'too' bad but still a bit lonely and depressing.

Anyway, My mum was away from the 19th December until the 27th and when she got back she kept saying "oh I felt awful leaving you on your own all christmas, was you upset? was you depressed? bet you wish you had someone now, don't you?" etc but added "well, at least we will see you next christmas"

Anyway, she's just phoned and said "well, next christmas is all booked". I said "booked? what do you mean?" so she said "oh, we're going away again for christmas, and taking your grandma with us this time...I would have invited you but you won't be able to afford it will you?"

It's true, I wouldn't be able to afford it as we're going abroad in Oct but I'm a bit pissed off that they're going away again and this time, my grandma is going too (when she was the one saying they were being selfish last time) so I'm literally going to have nobody around next christmas at all.

Am I being selfish? I know I am really but I can't help feeling a bit down about it all. This christmas was a bit crap, me and the kids didn't see anyone at all from the 22nd until the 28th and it looks like next year is going to be even worse

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSnape · 30/12/2008 20:58

Twinset, I'm deterimed to turn things around in 2009 I'm just worried that I won't be able to find work with the way the country is right now. I was relying on finding work in the new year.

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 30/12/2008 20:58

Who's going on your holiday in October with you? Anyone else or just you and the kids?

Clary · 30/12/2008 20:58

I would feel a bit upset too.

But why don't you make a virtue of it IYSWIM - plan a Christmas day just you and the kids (I'm thinking there are plenty of people would like that anyway!) and then sort a few friends to get together with on days before and after.

I can't be the only person who'd love to have a meet-up in the park planned for Boxing Day afternoon?

Original poster
MrsSnape · 30/12/2008 21:00

In oCt I'm going with my ex MIL sounds wierd I know lol

Clary, I'd love that too but I have no friends that would tear themselves away from their husbands for an hour in the holidays.

OP posts:
onebatmotherofgoditschilly · 30/12/2008 21:01

She sounds like she has a lot of personal problems which she has allowed to infect her relationship with you. She also sounds as though she is feeling guilty (underneath)

You possibly can't change this - but understanding how it works would help you to feel that you have some control over how these things make you fee;. Try that thread - there aer lots of links to good books. Or better have some psychotherapy (though I know that is not an option for many - due to finances or unsympathetic GPs)

TWINSETinapeartree · 30/12/2008 21:01

I agree clary lots of people want to get out and about on boxing day.

I acknowledge finding work wil be hard and wish you luck. Can you join a group or do some volunteer work to make some friends so you are not reliant on you family.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 30/12/2008 21:11

Have you had a look at the Gingerbread site? It's for lone parents. www.gingerbread.org.uk

Janos · 30/12/2008 21:18

MrsSnape I remember the guarantor thread too. Sounds like your mum and her husband are playing silly buggers again.

YANBU to be upset by this.

Anyway, I reckon you'll have something better to do next year anyway at Christmas than spend it with them

Janos · 30/12/2008 21:20

Also I know a lot of people won't agree with me but..another way to looka t it is, if your family is awful, why would you WANT to spend Christmas with them anyway?

J2O · 30/12/2008 21:25

you may have won the lottery, found a gorgeous new partner, got a top paying job, moved abroad or anything equally as great by next year! Are you an only child? don't you have any other family rthat you can visit at christmas time? I find it hard to imagine leaving one of my friends alone for that legnth of time if i knew she was alone for most of the festive period. for you.

Original poster
MrsSnape · 30/12/2008 21:26

I blame her husband for a lot of it. But I think I've fallen into the habit of thinking that everything he does....he's doing it to spite me in some way.

Like this going away at christmas thing was something he started and I began wondering if it was for my benefit he was doing it.

OP posts:
Janos · 30/12/2008 21:34

Maybe MrsSnape.

It could be he is jealous of you or feels threatened by you.

Unfortunately it also sounds like your mum is one of those women who puts her 'man' ahead of everything else in her life.

Does that make sense? I am quite possibly talking crap, I often do!

champagnerock · 30/12/2008 21:34

I am sorry this is happening to you, and your children. Also suprised that she doesn't want to see her grandchildren.

Do you have friends you could invite over? My cousin always has a full house of family and friends...some of which come along at the last minute because situations change.

What about inviting one of your cousins to yours? Christmas shouldn't be the same every year.

We have a neighbour who has no family, he goes next door for dinner every Christmas. Don't be dragged down be your mother's opinion. Sounds like she is using you to make herself feel better. Continue to think of your own little family and ways of making next Christmas more enjoyable for all of you.

Heated · 30/12/2008 21:35

Make Xmas your own - host a small Xmas party for dcs friends; invite cousins over for a film, hobnobs and baileys; book panto; go to the carol service at church - just nice christmassy things that you'd want to do.

J2O · 30/12/2008 21:42

MrsSnape-I think you live in the same town as me. I'm always up for a meet up (when i get my lazy bum into gear) if you wanted to?

Janos · 30/12/2008 21:45

I like champagnerock's idea!

Invite people over to yours at Christmas.

Plan nice things to do/treats for you and your DCs. Treats for you are important as well, even if it's just something small like some special food or a favourite magazine.

Original poster
MrsSnape · 30/12/2008 21:49

I have nobody to invite but I am going to do alot more with the kids next year, shows, panto etc...this year has been hard because of money worries but hopefully that should be better sorted next year.

J20, I'm definately up for a meet! are you in Hull?

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSnape · 30/12/2008 21:51

Oh sorry Janos, meant to reply to you...

you hit the nail on the head unfortunately. My mum always puts the man before anything else, always has. It is the reason for lots of bitterness in the past with me and I still blame 50% of my current situation on that alone.

"I know you're in a good school now, but I want to move to the other end of Hull with new man so I'm afraid you'll have to change to the worst school in Hull"

OP posts:
J2O · 30/12/2008 21:52

yup fraid so. I don't know why, but i had a feeling you where in the same town. it must have been the crappy council estate description i've seen you post before somewhere

do you want to email me on j20baby @ yahoo . co . uk

Original poster
MrsSnape · 30/12/2008 21:53

lol I think I've slagged the place off once or twice in my mumsnet history especially when it comes to talking schools.

I'll email you

OP posts:
Janos · 30/12/2008 21:56

I really feel for your MrsSnape. She sounds very selfish, silly and self absorbed.

Bet you're a better mother than she is though.

J2O · 30/12/2008 21:58

Okay

J2O · 30/12/2008 21:58

Okay

treedelivery · 31/12/2008 01:08

YANBU - just because people are parents doesn;t make them nice does it.

You don't need an actual job to get out and about doing, although I know not working can be isolating, added to that a small baby and it is hard.

Get motivated in the new year, and get booked in at surestart stuff and gingerbread and all that stuff. Is there a park near you that has a 'friends of' group you could join? I moved to a tiny town fairly near you from a vibrant city and knew not a soul. I was amazed how much stuff is going on and how even going to a church cafe made me feel good! Big change from clubbing in Leeds!

champagnerock · 31/12/2008 09:18

I live in a different part of the country, and was isolated for quite a long time. I persevered with going to clinic, the surestart events. It has taken time, but i now have a group of friends and we meet up regularly. Some of them spent Christmas day afternoon together and also new year. I think if you can be strong (sounds like you are), then this is a worthwhile route.

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