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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really upset with my best friend?

66 replies

CrackopentheBaileys · 29/12/2008 17:43

Bloody Tax Credits, they cause nothing but grief!

I have a real dilema here and would very much appreciate some sound advice.

I am a childminder, and very soon I will be looking after my very best friend's son.

All is grand, really looking forward to having him, and as she is a good friend I reduced my fee's for her, so I am actually losing out on £80 per month.

She said she was very grateful, but she has now told me that she has told tax credits that she is paying me more than she actually is. So much so that she is getting more than she is paying me, by around £100 a month, and she will save it up to go towards a holiday next year.

OH MY GOD

What the hell do I do here?

A) I simply cannot believe that she is lying to tax credits. I know that we all have different moral compasses but blimey, pushing the limits a bit there!

B) How can she possibly think that this is ok, when I have forfeited £80 to help her out?!

I am shocked and I don't know what to do. She really is my best friend, and in all other aspects she is awesome.
I don't think she has connected the two to be honest, and I am feeling very hurt that she hasn't considered this at all.

Phew, sorry for the long post......

BUT WHAT WOULD YOU DO???

OP posts:
ComeWhineWithMe · 29/12/2008 17:46

I would tell her it is not going to happen and that you will not risk getting into trouble from the Tc by going along with the lie.

What a cheeky cow .

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/12/2008 17:48

cheeky cow

if she is getting tax credits then she can afford to pay you the extra £80 a month, and she can save the other £20 towards a holiday

aGalChangedHerName · 29/12/2008 17:48

Oh god how cheeky of your friend. If you don't want to fall out with her i would maybe warn her that what goes through your cashbook will be the correct amount,and that if TC ever ask to see your books she will end up in an awful lot of trouble?

thisisyesterday · 29/12/2008 17:49

i would be honest with her. and tell her that if she is benefitting to the tune of £100 a month then you will charge her the full fee.

AliceTheCamelHasGotTheHump · 29/12/2008 17:50

I can understand why you are upset, but I think the two issues are not connected.

You gave your friend a discount. That was very nice of you. The end.

Your friend is lying to tax credits. Separate issue. Her business. Be as judgmental as you like, but do not attach it to your discount offer.

What do you want to happen? Do you want to take back your discount offer?

Original poster
CrackopentheBaileys · 29/12/2008 17:50

yeah cheeky cow ame to mind with me too.

But honestly, this is the first instance of anything like this in 8 years of friendship. Probably why I'm so shocked.

How do I approach it, or do I just leave it. But then it will fester and could effect our friendship. Bloody hell I'm really confused!

OP posts:
Original poster
CrackopentheBaileys · 29/12/2008 17:52

Alice, I think the reason I see then as connected is because I have given her that discount, which she can now afford to pay me. And instead of doing that she is going to keep it. I guess that hurts a bit considering my willingness to help her

OP posts:
Flihgtattendant · 29/12/2008 17:52

i think I would tell her that she can't do that.

You could tell her they do inspect your records every single year and that you can't afford to risk your business by lying for her, so she'll get sprung and you'll feel terrible.

that way you get to look like you're looking out for her.

It's really cheeky and greedy of her.

aGalChangedHerName · 29/12/2008 17:53

I would be upset too,not about the discount thing tho.

I would be upset and tbh would feel let down if a friend was openly and unashamedly screwing the TC. It's not right to cheat is it?

Flihgtattendant · 29/12/2008 17:53

I agree it will affect your friendship unless you have it out.

ssd · 29/12/2008 17:54

I'd tell a white lie, say to her you've had grief from other childminders in the area when you told them you are under cutting your fee's for s friend. tell her the other childminders are worried this'll get out and they'll be forced by parents to cut their fees too.

so you'll have to charge her full whack after all.

if she's lying to tax credits that her problem, but at least you'll get the going rate for her child and won't feel put on.

otherwise this would personally piss me off and affect my minding her child and our frienship

Original poster
CrackopentheBaileys · 29/12/2008 17:54

Flight she already know that they don't liase with me because I've discussed it with her before.

And it's done, she has already had the first payment!

OP posts:
LiffeyAgSnamhAnLaCoille · 29/12/2008 17:55

I'm no saint, but I'd find that a bit galling.

AbbaFan · 29/12/2008 17:55

Im a CM and I would be very put out if this happended to me.

I think you should charge her the full amount, this is your business.

I have had the TC people check up on parents with me in the past. They have written to me and asked me to confirm the amount I have been paid, so this could happen to you.

Flihgtattendant · 29/12/2008 17:56

Golly, what a situation. I'd be angry if I were you, but how to solve it - I don't know. maybe you just have to have it out?

Original poster
CrackopentheBaileys · 29/12/2008 17:56

hmmm yes flight, I think so too. But it may also be worse to have it out IYSWIM.

I really don't want to cause any rift between her, in all other aspects she's a great friend and great support.

Could it really be that she just hasn't thought it through?

OP posts:
naturalbornmum · 29/12/2008 17:57

You need to speak to her. i would tell her that if TC contact you - you would be forced to tell them how much she actually pays or get in trouble ie tax man etc. I would also make it clear that you are £80 down a month.

TBH I think you are doing the wrong thing monding for a good friend ..... it will end in tears.

aGalChangedHerName · 29/12/2008 17:58

COTB TC often do check with a CM as to what payment you recieve and hours charged for.

I would phone TC and tell them maybe?

Just make sure she signs the cash book for the amount you are actually getting and you cannot get into trouble over it x

Flihgtattendant · 29/12/2008 17:58

Yes - I'd suggest you have a quiet word, make it clear how upset you feel and uncomfortable with what she's doing. That's not such a terrible thing to do. Keep it very calm and friendly as possible...just be clear how you feel.

I think that's perhaps the way to go.

ssd · 29/12/2008 18:00

or.......

tell her the tax credits sometimes do a double check, I mean checking what you say your paid as against what the parents sy they pay you

so if she tell the tax credits she pays you £80 a week and she tells them she pays you £100 a week, you'll get into trouble and your tax credits will be cut

this happened to a friend of mine, by accident, she got a lot less from a parent than they said they were paying, her tax creidts got cut as the IR thought she was getting paid more than she actually was getting

macmam · 29/12/2008 18:00

Had something similar with sil. Fell out with DH as I refused to lie. SIL told housing that the landlord wasn't a relative and was under impression that it wouldn't be allowed. I filled in forms correctly. And charged the correct rate for flat. (With a bit off). Nothing they could do and that was that. As i see it you are a taxed business yourself and once you start down this road it's difficult to extricate yourself, also it's your livlihood and good name that could suffer. Once you start messing with the Revenue you're the one that could get done..Don't risk it and make it clear to her why. Also, pretty damned cheeky on her part!
Macmam

Original poster
CrackopentheBaileys · 29/12/2008 18:00

thanks Abba interesting to know. But I guess that only resolves the tax credits bit and not really the discount bit.

I honestly feel like saying

'Since you are getting that extra money do you think that you should be paying me that £80 I'm losing each month?'

But I'm chicken I think

OP posts:
Original poster
CrackopentheBaileys · 29/12/2008 18:02

I'm not going to call tax credits on her, I just couldn't do it. Guess I have more friendhip morals than her

OP posts:
aGalChangedHerName · 29/12/2008 18:03

Regardless of how you proceed here you are always going to feel differently about her are you not?

Shit situation for your friend to create

ssd · 29/12/2008 18:04

it'll eat away at you, trust me

she's opened a can of worms