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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to sink to my knees and cry?

331 replies

tessofthedurbervilles · 29/12/2008 16:37

When my baby is born I would be better off not working than returning to my well paid respectable job....that is just the most stupid thing ever. All I want to do is pay my way but the system is making it easier to live on handouts.....

OP posts:
donnie · 29/12/2008 16:38

has this thing kicked off yet?

BouncingTinsel · 29/12/2008 16:45

Donnie - and why would it?

The fact of the matter is that there are some people who are in the position where their childcare costs equal their take home pay, yet earn too much to get any help.

So why has she bothered to work and study to get her current job to find that she is essentially working for nothing or peanuts once she has had a baby?

Or perhaps you think that women who do have a decent job shouldn't have kids?

SimpleAsABC · 29/12/2008 16:47

Unless donnie is suggesting Tess is a troll.. but i'm pretty sure I recognise the name and she's a reg.

I know its a catch 22 tess, and not a nice one. Some mums I know are working for next to nothing just to keep their jobs open for when their kids are at nursery / school and they will be able to make "more" money.

Not exactly comforting but just thought i'd share!

DoubleBluff · 29/12/2008 16:48

It beggars beleif Tess, esp if you have moer thanone child then childcare is too expensive to work.

lillychristmaspuddingandpie · 29/12/2008 16:49

I work nights so that DP can look after DD.

I am knackered but it's the only way around it.

ComeWhineWithMe · 29/12/2008 16:52

It is a real shame I know exactly what you mean .

My dsis had to quit her job in the end when she and her dp split up ,they could just about cope between them with her going to work but when they split it was impossible to afford to work and it really shouldn't be like that .

ThingOne · 29/12/2008 16:52

It's a nightmare, isn't it? A full time nursery place for a baby round here costs more than £200 per week. If you haven't got any family nearby and your employer doesn't do childcare vouchers you are stuffed.

Do you have access to childcare vouchers? This is where you pay £234 a month before tax into an account and you never pay the tax on it.

BouncingTinsel · 29/12/2008 16:53

She's not a troll, I've seen plenty of posts from her.

I understand her frustration, I went back to my full time, fairly senior and incredibly stressful job, and am taking him less than my most junior lab technician, because most of my pay is swallowed up by childcare.

In the end I've handed my notice in as it was causing me to be depressed and having a terrible effect on my marriage. We can just about manage on DH's salary, thank God, but I will be looking for part time work in the new year for much less money and (hopefully!) much less responsibility. But it does gall me at times that my years of education, training and developing myself in a fairly specialised field is going down the pan.

mummiesnet · 29/12/2008 16:54

How many children do you have?

If just one then either your childcare fees are astronomial or your job is not as well paid as you think it is.

Either way it sucks and I feel for you.

treedelivery · 29/12/2008 16:55

I hear ya - if full time I'd take home about £1500, but spend about £800 on childcare as I work shifts so would have to have 7-7 everyday and dh at weekend. On arrival of dd2 it would probably take nearly whole wage.

I'm quite a usefull midwife so thats a shame isn't it? Especially as it cost the NHS and DoH approx £100k to train and maintain me as a safe registered practitioner.

4 years of uni full time, uni debt and hours of continiuing eduation for what will amount to 16 hours a week work maybe.

Crazy.

What do you mean Donnie?

BouncingTinsel · 29/12/2008 16:59

I've only the one, but childcare is very expensive due to limited choices due to the hours and location of where I work - all but 1 nursery was wrong side of town relative to where I live and where I work. Plus have absolutely no family/friend back up. Plus we have to pay when ds is not there. Plus I faced losing pay next time ds was ill as all my annual leave was used up last time he was off ill.

Times like this I think maybe I shouldn't have had ds

stuffitllama · 29/12/2008 16:59

It's really tough but I found worth it in the end for more than the money. We couldn't get a decent nanny for the money we could afford and ended up working back to back day-night shifts for six months -- we never saw each other but ds had one of us all day (er often someone quite keen to get him down for a five hour nap but there we are).

I think if you look six months or a year ahead you may find it more worthwhile to stick with the work option. I have not worked now for seven years and am finding it hard to nudge back in because of the loss of confidence. I say keep going as long as you can if your job is important to your self respect and your confidence -- IF the financial side works out not that badly.

I hope nobody reads me as looking down on mothers that stay at home. I would be looking down on myself. It's just that if your job is very important to you, it could make you so unhappy and depressed giving it up for such a topsy turvy reason.

BouncingTinsel · 29/12/2008 17:00

Come back Tess - I feel as though I have hijacked your thread

Original poster
tessofthedurbervilles · 29/12/2008 17:01

I'm not a troll, I usually post light hearted stuff if I can help it, but I just feel sad that I cannot afford full time work with child care costs and looking at the entitledto website I would be better working p/t but my job isn't p/t.

OP posts:
treedelivery · 29/12/2008 17:04

Nah - times like this you think you need to buy a lottery ticket.

Family is everything, but it hurts to have to let go of something you love. And unless you can radically downsize EVERYTHING then one of the great, last remaining, hard to address inequalities if the sexes has just slapped you in the face with a kipper.

Though actually it doesn't just mater to women - this effects family and family dynamics, and that affects society and the health of our county. What affects women impacts on every single thing in this world in a huge, silent and insipid way.

BouncingTinsel · 29/12/2008 17:04

Tess - I had the same problem, I put a request in to work part time, but it was turned down. They've done it before, our engineering manager wanted to work part time when he came to retirement age - he was turned down as well, and so they could have benefitted from his many years of experience for a few months longer while his replacement bedded in and they chose not to!

treedelivery · 29/12/2008 17:09

I'm a part timer and would prefer to stay at home - but I completely see your point Stuffitlama. I'm happier part time, but if I wanted to work full time I couldn't due to costs.

There are many ways of being a parent, yet despite the hard work of many families, they don't get to choose the one that suits them best! That sucks. All the lost talent and experience that could be in the workplace making schools/hospitals/courts and so on and so on more efficient and effective.

Families should have a choice.

TheSeriousSanta · 29/12/2008 17:10

Well, I agree with the OP.

I have 3 degrees (including an MSc and an MA in management) plus over 10 years experience and I can't get a decent paid job now I have a child.

I'm working freelance (work evenings when DS is asleep) in the hope that, once DS is at school, I can resume something of a career.

FWIW, before I had kids, I would never believe these attitudes exist. Never. But mentioning the existance of a 6MO child in tantamount to saying 'Stuff your job, I didn't want it anyway'

The OP isn't a troll, IMHO.

BouncingTinsel · 29/12/2008 17:13

Treedelivery - absolutely! And that includes dads being able to stay at home if that would work best for the family.

Countingtheflocksbynight · 29/12/2008 17:13

Crikey Treedelivery - that is a ridiculous situation and so sad - the country NEEDS you fgs ...bristling with indignation on your behalf ... particularly when you think of bankers still receiving their bonuses this year ...aaarrrghhh.. no wonder we don't have adequate midwife care when the fundamentals are wrong and you are simply notpaid enough

Bouncing Tinsel - that is so very tough ...

Tess- I agree with StuffitLlama - if your job is well-paid and you are likely to receive pay rises and promotion in the future - then it probably will be worth sticking it out for the long term.

Really difficult situation in the meantime however. Would your company be open to discussing this? Tell them you really value your job and want to continue but the sums don't add up? Not easy in this financial climate I know ...

TheSeriousSanta · 29/12/2008 17:14

Sorry, I should explain: I was working contract when I found out I was PG. My contract was terminated (was a rolling 4 month contract) the day I told them I was expecting.

So, I was only entitled to Maternity allowance and had no job to 'go back to'.

But, I do (or at least did) work in a very neandertal male dominated industry.

treedelivery · 29/12/2008 17:15

It's a shame the government, society and employers seem to miss the point of 'mothers'. In my expereince we are some of the most motivated, organised and able to kick ass employees in the building. Yet the idea seems to be we float in for a few hours and never commit as we 'have family'.

My work ethic, commitment and ability to get the job done has tripled since birthing. I'm more confident, aware of my limits and efficient.

BouncingTinsel · 29/12/2008 17:16

My boss is helping to make it easy for me to leave as possible by allowing me to serve my notice part time on full pay... I know it is because he doesn't think I am up to the job with a baby.

MillyR · 29/12/2008 17:17

I think most parents go through this. When my children were preschool age, we would have been better off on benefits, but we worked because it was the right thing to do. It would never have occurred to us that living on benefits was an appropriate option. It seemed like a nightmare at the time, but it not forever, and children go off to school and then you go back to having a reasonable standard of living.

Many people also have to work part time (if their are employers are reasonable and offer that) when children are little, but again, it is not forever.

Countingtheflocksbynight · 29/12/2008 17:18

sorry - something went wrong with my emboldening asterisks there ...

Tree Delivery - I think your post of 17:04:08 totally sums up the problem faced by so many UK mothers - a brilliantly eloquent post