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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to sink to my knees and cry?

331 replies

tessofthedurbervilles · 29/12/2008 16:37

When my baby is born I would be better off not working than returning to my well paid respectable job....that is just the most stupid thing ever. All I want to do is pay my way but the system is making it easier to live on handouts.....

OP posts:
treedelivery · 29/12/2008 17:20

BT - He's so wrong. He needs to look around his [presumably] gracious home run by his [presumably] gracious wife and wonder how it all just happens. Imagine what a similar muli tasking needs-no-sleep time managing dynamo could do around his work department!!

Countingtheflocksbynight · 29/12/2008 17:21

Work and childcare can be even harder to juggle once the dc are school age though MillyR

Tree delivery (at risk of brown-nosing here) another brilliant post of yours at 17:15:22

BouncingTinsel · 29/12/2008 17:21

MillyR - this is why I'm going to look for part time or work from home once my notice period has finished, as I know that I don't want to be a SAHM - nothing at all wrong with SAHM but it just wouldn't work for me.

treedelivery · 29/12/2008 17:23

Happened to write an essay on this YEARS ago - decided root of all evil for women and therefore society was 'male' employment culture and the biological clock that limits womans fertility to 25 years against mens puberty till death. Conluded the 2 are linked and can only be addressed in tandem.

Ta daaaa.

naturalbornmum · 29/12/2008 17:24

It can be expensive and hard to arrange childcare for school age children too! I always thought that once DD1 went to school we would be fine - even if I was'nt on babyno 3 - it is just not true.

findtheriver · 29/12/2008 17:27

I totally sympathise with this - it sucks!

Anyone who works should be better off than if they lived off benefits.

Unfortunately many of us have been in this siutation tess. My advice would be:

a) view the childcare costs as a joint expense between you and your partner, rather than just coming out of one wage. It's easier to view it as a percentage of your income, and a percentage of your partners, rather than all of one wage. (Xenia tip there!)

b)Think long term. Even if you are only breaking even now, it WILL get better in the long term. Once the baby is older you will be eligible for childcare vouchers which will help, and once the kids are in school you have vastly reduced costs. It may be worth keeping your hand in professionally for the sake of the long term benefits. I work only to break even while my younger two were both at nursery, but I have definitely reaped the benefits longer term, as I was then able to move up the career ladder and earn more, whereas some of my friends who gave up work completely, have really struggled to get back into interesting jobs.

There is no easy answer though ... it sucks!

Leo9 · 29/12/2008 17:27

It is certainly not simple, working after becoming a mum. Not unless you have a big salary that can pay for a nanny (and you actually want to work)

I've found it a total minefield. I worked evenings/weekends when ds was a baby as we needed the money; though my personal choice would have been to stay at home full time until ds was at school (only 4 years, goes so fast anyway). So I was exhausted but we just about got by.

Since DS has been at school we have both had to work full time (me on about 30 hours but feels full time!) and have been in the classic position of having 5 weeks holiday and needing to cover 12 weeks school hols plus inset days plus appear at parents do's at school when we can either get time out or try to creep in and out unseen. It's a recipe for stress and it's just so hard, specially with people's attitudes at work - I've had very sniffy responses to requests for time to look after ds on an emergency basis eg sick on way to school, or to the fact that I don't build up extra hours.......

I'm rambling. I just agree - it's hard, which ever way you decide to do it really.

MillyR · 29/12/2008 17:29

BouncingTinsel, I also have nothing against SAHM's. I think it is fine to stay at home and I was very part time after my first child. I just don't get why people are surprised to find out that childcare costs money and to find that having children is expensive. How can otherwise intelligent adults not realise and plan for that prior to having children?

The fact that employers are unreasonable with mothers; that is shocking and sad, and I do think people don't realise that until they are in the position themselves, but that is true of most discrimination.

treedelivery · 29/12/2008 17:30

The thought of school and aged PIL aging/dying/giving up driving brings me out in anxiety.

What do I do at 3.30 when I'm delivering a baby and dd1 is stood at the gates......

Op - don't seem to have any good news for you here, except that you are not a troll. And if you are you are a very nice and completely jusitifiable one [suggest jolly trolly?]

SimpleAsABC · 29/12/2008 17:34

lol, Can I just point out that I didn't think that tess was a troll?

I just thought that maybe thats what donnie was suggesting!!

I'm surrrrrrrrrrrrre I recognise Tess.

needmorecoffee · 29/12/2008 17:35

I can't go back to work even though number 4 goes full time at school at Easter. She finsihes at 3 and needs lots of time off for hozzies/seizures. No childminder will take a child with such complex needs.
So I'll sit watching jezza till my brain drools out.

treedelivery · 29/12/2008 17:35

MillyR - I realised it [been watching mums/midwives do 4 night shifts, on an hours sleep at childs nap time during the day, all my working life] but stuck head in sand as if I'd tried to plan the result would have been no children. That would have been no good for me. My job is great but it ain't that great.

So will muddle on......zzzzzzz wha? I'm awake I'm awake...

findtheriver · 29/12/2008 17:40

You're absolutely right treedelivery.. many people muddle through because they have no option. I think the other thing you have to try to do is steel yourself against other peoples' negativity and sort out the best systems you can. And then try not to think about it. If I paused in my work at 3.30 everyday and thought about my kids at the school gate then I'd be a useless wreck at work and a useless mother too! My kids went to the after school club/childminder and that was that.

MillyR · 29/12/2008 17:40

needmorecoffee, isn't that why we have a benefits system? Because there are people like you, who care for other people, like your child and your mother? Surely you are working harder at home than most people in paid employment do? I wish the government could set out a sensible plan to offer carers more help and support.

BouncingTinsel · 29/12/2008 17:42

NMC - I think you are doing an amazing job - it can't be easy for you .

But society on the whole doesn't value mothers - which I think it is utterly outrageous. Surely mums deserve some outside credit for raising the next generation? After all they'll be paying our pensions!

MillyR - Yes, silly me, I should have thought of that shouldn't I? Perhaps I should have mentioned there was a cheaper, Surestart run nursery, who closed down half way through my ML. That way I don't come across as completely clueless.

treedelivery · 29/12/2008 17:44

If woman ruled the world....on the subject of government did you know Maggie Thatcher breastfed.

hands up who is surprised? Just a mini thread hijack and mini survey.

findtheriver · 29/12/2008 17:45

The benefits system is no help to people who want to work but cannot afford to (like the OP) or for people who can just about afford to work, but just about scrape even.

Many of my friends are in the position where they earn just too much to qualify for any help through benefits, but not enough to pay for a decent lifestyle - eg decent, heated house etc. It sucks. And I have other friends who are better off since splitting with their partner. Madness. The whole benefits system needs an overhaul, and childcare needs to be more affordable. It just makes no sense to train people up at huge expense to do skilled jobs, when those same people are unable to continue them because they cannot afford to.

findtheriver · 29/12/2008 17:46

You mean Maggie Thatcher really was a woman....

naturalbornmum · 29/12/2008 17:48

I'm shocked about the MT feeding baby saga.... are you sure?{grin]

BouncingTinsel · 29/12/2008 17:48

Yes I knew that - well her BM would have plenty of iron in it!

treedelivery · 29/12/2008 17:48

got to go as dd1 is hijacking the computer for mr men games. She'll change the world so hang in there.....

MillyR · 29/12/2008 17:51

BouncingTinsel, I am not in any way attacking you; I wasn't referring to your specific situation which I cannot possibly comment on as I do not know you or have a decent understanding of your work/home balance.

I am just genuinely perplexed as to why people find it so difficult, and as the situation surrounding childcare is very unlikely to change, shouldn't we be looking for solutions to this? I want to be able to advise my daughter, when she is older, on how to manage having children, and have a career. Part of that is planning in advance. I am not attacking anyone, but am asking what is the best way to manage the situation?

BouncingTinsel · 29/12/2008 17:55

Sorry Milly - I'm sure you can understand this is a pretty emotice issue and I'm fairly sensitive about it.

bronze · 29/12/2008 17:57

I'm another who couldn't afford to work. Luckily for me I don't have a career minded bone in my body but I can completely understand how it would piss off someone who wants to hang onto their job. Also luckily I don't want for much but food and a roof over my head as dh can just about afford to do that for me.

deanychip · 29/12/2008 17:58

AHHH this is a nightmare!
We both work full time and have one child.
We have worked out finances and it will cost a small fortune to have another child. Im not sure that we have the money.
Me too, trained for 3.5 years, very good job, DH the same.
I long for another baby, but am mortally worried about the child care costs.

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