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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be angry that my neice is a spoilt 20yr old madam.

79 replies

slavetomykids · 27/12/2008 16:49

Sorry if this is long.
Dh's parents divorced 20 yrs ago and both have remarried. Neither they or there partners have siblings (and the new partners have no children of their own btw), and they all get on. Which is nice.
Dh's only sibling, his brother, lives away, so we all got together today, the 4 inlaws, dh,I and our 2 children, dbil, his wife and thied 20yr old only child.
Because we live near inlaws, they all came to ours, along with their partners and my family for Xmas Lunch, which was nice and friendly.
Today I cooked another Xmas dinner so we could celebrate with inlaws and Dbil's family.
All that is irrelevant really, the crux is, dniece is TWENTY and has just had a major hissy fit because dmil gave her a box of chocolates and £100, which is the same as what she gave dd who is 14. (she effectivly gave ds the same, but his was toys to the tune of £100)
She has just spent an hour moaning long and loud that as their is only one of her she should have £200 and to that effect she thinks her grandmother owes her 2 grand in back payment. I am so annoyed that she could be so rude, that if she was mine (and I am not and have never been a person to do this) I would of slapped her legs.
Apparently she feels this way as thats what her other grandparents (ie sil parents) do.

OP posts:
slavetomykids · 27/12/2008 18:30

Thats the thing though, all 4 of the inlaws still work full time, as does dh and I so, they prob see bil and dh about the same. Oh, well, dh says that we should do the same, buy her a present for her 21st and then do the token thing. I agree whole heartedly.

OP posts:
mediocrebronze · 27/12/2008 18:38

I would give her a lump of coal next year.

Upwind · 27/12/2008 18:42

Childish, rude, inexcusable behaviour from your DN, SIL and BIL. Token gifts from now on is an excellent idea.

But, I think it would be very sad if this one horrible tantrum were to ruin relationships in the long term. Family is family no matter how badly they behave, and outbursts and uncalled for hissy fits around Christmas time are not exactly uncommon. I think Dittany is probably right, it sounds like your neice was just expressing her parents' views and that they have chips on their shoulders.

smartiejakeonachristmascake · 27/12/2008 18:47

The fact her parents agreed with her says it all- no wonder she is a spoilt little brat!

pantomimEDAMe · 27/12/2008 18:50

what a horrible brat!

slavetomykids · 27/12/2008 19:05

Your right, I hope this doesn't break up dh's family.
The thing is bil wanted to eat at 12. So the Xmas Dinner was on the table (practically) when they walked in at 12. We ate unwrapped the presents, and were just about to have coffee (by this time it was 1) when she kicked off. It had all blown up and everyone had gone home by 1.30. Which is sad, but at least with stepmil taking my two and the dog for a quick walk, at least my two were spared the worst.
Do you know, with out sounding like a drama queen it is almost like being punched in the gut when you are not looking. I am so horrified and shocked by this. But enough of my pity party. I am glad mil and fil have a plan, but more than that I am so glad that I will not be there tomorrow when they tell her that after her birthday then she will recieve no more from either of them.

OP posts:
Coldtits · 27/12/2008 19:15

Good god.

Allowing a child to grow up with such a disgusting attitude is tantamount to abuse. They have given her more social difficulties than if they had held her down and poured boiling water on her face.

I'd have propelled her from the house and locked the door.

SparklyGothKat · 27/12/2008 22:35

did I read this right? that your PILS have paid for her OU course too??

What a selfish bitch!!!

Seabright · 27/12/2008 23:32

I think your PIL's are being very sensible, shame you niece & her parents can't be.

Just out of shere nosiness I would love to be a fly on the wall when they tell her.

What troubles me is this young woman is a police officer - how on earth does she deal rationally with difficuly situations if this is what she's like?!

squik · 27/12/2008 23:43

In all honesty I have never seen this side of her before, but as dh and I were saying earlier, we haven't seen her more than twice a year since she was 15. (We visit her parents and her, but she is out)
If you had asked me this morning, I would of said we are so proud of her. Left school at 18 with good A Levels, joined the police, doing a 2 course a year Degree with OU, nice car and holidays, yes she still lives at home but she is not 21 until August. Now I feel a bit sick.
All I can say is, if she is this rude to 4 (because it is 4, step in laws gave her the money and paid for her degree too) then how does she treat the normal every day people she meets as a police officer.
I am so sad about this. I have never seen dh's mam cry before, and he said when he left her she was sobbing her heart out. Apparently thats why dh's dad rang her and they came up with the plan to go see bil, sil and neice tomorrow and have it out, and tell her that after her 21st she is going to be getting token gifts.
Truly if my two turn out like this, I would be devestated.

squik · 27/12/2008 23:45

oops I am slavetomykids

Penthesileia · 27/12/2008 23:47

Horrible.

I agree with dittany. I bet her parents have fed her this line. I imagine that they see money gifts in terms of 'inheritance' - namely, that the IL's estate/money should be split equally between their children (your DH and BIL); by this model, your niece would receive twice as much, since she is an only child.

I suspect they complain at home about how much more money is spent on your side of the family...

Sad how money can make people so horrid.

TeenyTinyTorya · 27/12/2008 23:48

My sister is like this - completely selfish and expects everything done for her. She is also 20.

My mum was ill in bed today, and for the first time in months my sister had to make her own food, find her own clothes, and clean up after herself.

I think your niece needs a reality check - I would have cancelled the cheque after that behaviour. I'm only 22, and I was never that immature and rude at 12, let alone 20. I'm also shocked that her parents agreed with her. £100 is an extremely generous present by anyone's standards.

themoon66 · 27/12/2008 23:57

Next year she can have an Oxfam toilet or goat or similar?

squik · 27/12/2008 23:59

next year she is getting f*all if dh gets his way at the moment.

SparklyGothKat · 28/12/2008 00:42

I would have slapped her legs if she was mine.. what a nasty cow. I feel so sorry for your PILs, they must have felt terrible.

SparklyGothKat · 28/12/2008 00:46

will you report back what happens tomorrow? I bet she has a huge hissy fit when they say she will not be getting any money at all next year, would love to be a fly on the wall

squik · 28/12/2008 01:05

Of course I will Sparkly. It so weird you know, I can't believe this happened. Dh and I have picked this to bits all evening, and I was saying what Dittany said, that she must of been fed the lines from her parents, and he just keeps saying that his brother is not like that, I don't know anymore. Any way dh is angry, and I am not sure if its because his mam was crying or because we had to rush the kids out (more especially ds as he isn't able to cope with scenes like this). Or because of what she said. But I think its more likely to be because his mam was so upset.

SparklyGothKat · 28/12/2008 01:22

maybe if she was 15 you could say she has been fed the lines, but she is a 20 year old WOMAN! FFS!! I got £20 from my MIL this year, I was very grateful for that, I brought a CD and a book with it.

choosyfloosy · 28/12/2008 01:23

Her parents agreed with her?

Says it all.

[wonders what crappiness I am encouraging in my only ds ]

Jacksmama · 28/12/2008 02:44

Please do update tomorrow - what appalling behaviour, and how terrible that your DH's mum was left crying!

piscesmoon · 28/12/2008 10:18

I think that the worst thing about it was that her parents agreed with her-it is no wonder she has turned out the way that she has!

squik · 28/12/2008 18:24

Well the shit has hit the fan big time.
D's dad picked his mam up at 9 and so they could get there early before every one was up and out the door. Dh step dad came around to ours as he was a bit about them going as a couple, although he did say that they needed to be a united front when dealing out punishment to dh brother, like they would of been when bil was a child.
Apparently they got there about 9.45 and knocked them all out of bed, which did not go down to well.
When they said they had come to visit because they were so upset about neices behaviour yesterday, sil said that it was nothing to do with fil. He pointed out that he did they same thing and spent the same on dd as he did on neice. Sil, then went ape and asked how they could discriminate against her daughter, why were my two so special. MIL, said to dh that she was at that point of holding on to her temper by a fine thread. Fil apparently told her to shut it, that our kids were nice, kind and considerate, which was more than he could say for her daughter.
Dh said to them all, that mil and he had worked out how much they has spent on neice over the last 20 yrs for Xmas and worked out how much they had spent on dd and ds too, neice has had £4000 (so 20 yrs x £200 (£100 of each) for neice)and they had paid for neices OU fees and books and that it had come to £4200 (she is in her last yr and on her last 2 courses, so it has all been paid) that after her 21st birthday (in August) that she was just getting a token gift for xmas and birthdays from then on as she will be a graduate with a good job.Apparently neice got all gooey and was all Nanna darling do you not love me any more, do you only love the babies (the babies are 14 and 9!) Is that why you are being so mean. Then neice started crying and asking pil if they was still going to buy her a car for her 21st, because apparently sil had said pil would!
Apparently this is when MIL flipped and told neice that she was a spoilt and selfish little madam and if she carried on this way then she would make sure that neither her or fil brought her more than a card for her 21st. And then it got worse.

Dh's brother had been drinking coffee up until to this point, up til then sil had been moaning and neice had been crying. Then Bil started on about sil bro, he is divorced aparently and his ex wife has a new relationship, and so sil parents spend Q on their sons kids as they will also be getting presents from sil bro, and his ex wife, her family and her new fellas family; so to compensate they spend twice as much on neice. And they thought that it was a good idea, as they hadn't chosen to just have 1 child, they had wanted a load of kids like what we have (that would be 2 then)
And that while they were getting things in the open, either pil left half of their assests to him and half to dh, or if they decided to leave it to the kids, they were to remember that he had 1 child so she should recieve exactly half, to my two's quarter each.
mil said she had been intending to leave her assests to her husband (ie step fil) and fil agreed he was doing the same for step mil.
Fil asked if he was being deleberatly obtuse, as he knew bil liked money, but did he really want to leave his step mother homeless to get at it.
Then apparently there was a big slanging match between fil and bil with neice and sil chiming in. About how he was always second best, and dh was the golden boy.
Fil siad that if that was they way they felt it was nice knowing him, and he was off. Neice was all I'm sorry grandad and I love you, you don't mean anything do you not really. But mil was all you need to learn some respect of your elders young lady.
They left then, we wasn't told any of this, by pil, dh's stepmam told me.
The irony in all this, is neice had uptil now been the golden girl. I think it will take a long time to sort this out.

squik · 28/12/2008 18:29

Well the shit has hit the fan big time.
D's dad picked his mam up at 9 and so they could get there early before every one was up and out the door. Dh step dad came around to ours as he was a bit about them going as a couple, although he did say that they needed to be a united front when dealing out punishment to dh brother, like they would of been when bil was a child.
Apparently they got there about 9.45 and knocked them all out of bed, which did not go down to well.
When they said they had come to visit because they were so upset about neices behaviour yesterday, sil said that it was nothing to do with fil. He pointed out that he did they same thing and spent the same on dd as he did on neice. Sil, then went ape and asked how they could discriminate against her daughter, why were my two so special. MIL, said to dh that she was at that point of holding on to her temper by a fine thread. Fil apparently told her to shut it, that our kids were nice, kind and considerate, which was more than he could say for her daughter.
Dh said to them all, that mil and he had worked out how much they has spent on neice over the last 20 yrs for Xmas and worked out how much they had spent on dd and ds too, neice has had £4000 (so 20 yrs x £200 (£100 of each) for neice)and they had paid for neices OU fees and books and that it had come to £4200 (she is in her last yr and on her last 2 courses, so it has all been paid) that after her 21st birthday (in August) that she was just getting a token gift for xmas and birthdays from then on as she will be a graduate with a good job.Apparently neice got all gooey and was all Nanna darling do you not love me any more, do you only love the babies (the babies are 14 and 9!) Is that why you are being so mean. Then neice started crying and asking pil if they was still going to buy her a car for her 21st, because apparently sil had said pil would!
Apparently this is when MIL flipped and told neice that she was a spoilt and selfish little madam and if she carried on this way then she would make sure that neither her or fil brought her more than a card for her 21st. And then it got worse.

Dh's brother had been drinking coffee up until to this point, up til then sil had been moaning and neice had been crying. Then Bil started on about sil bro, he is divorced aparently and his ex wife has a new relationship, and so sil parents spend Q on their sons kids as they will also be getting presents from sil bro, and his ex wife, her family and her new fellas family; so to compensate they spend twice as much on neice. And they thought that it was a good idea, as they hadn't chosen to just have 1 child, they had wanted a load of kids like what we have (that would be 2 then)
And that while they were getting things in the open, either pil left half of their assests to him and half to dh, or if they decided to leave it to the kids, they were to remember that he had 1 child so she should recieve exactly half, to my two's quarter each.
mil said she had been intending to leave her assests to her husband (ie step fil) and fil agreed he was doing the same for step mil.
Fil asked if he was being deleberatly obtuse, as he knew bil liked money, but did he really want to leave his step mother homeless to get at it.
Then apparently there was a big slanging match between fil and bil with neice and sil chiming in. About how he was always second best, and dh was the golden boy.
Fil siad that if that was they way they felt it was nice knowing him, and he was off. Neice was all I'm sorry grandad and I love you, you don't mean anything do you not really. But mil was all you need to learn some respect of your elders young lady.
They left then, we wasn't told any of this, by pil, btw, dh's stepmam rang me and told me, whilst all dh mam had said to him was that it was sad and that she had to hold her temper a lot. Apparently step mil was not to tell us. But she can't talk about it with any one else, so she rang me. Oh and she likes a gossip
The irony in all this, is neice had uptil now been the golden girl. I think it will take a long time to sort this out.

SleighGirl · 28/12/2008 18:29

I guess it would seem that bil & sil desperately wanted more dc and a very jealous that you have and that your dc now get more "attention" because they are younger.

I think sil bil and dn have had their noses pushed out of joint since your dc have come along.

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