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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have told my Mum she's not going to be able to 'show DD off' at a party that starts an hour past her bedtime?

73 replies

chequersandroastedchestnuts · 23/12/2008 14:31

Ok, the facts:

  • DD is 4.5 months old, she goes to bed at 7 and really, she is overtired and grumpy from about 6 o clock but we try not to put her to bed any earlier than 7ish.

-My Mum is having a 60th birthday part in a few months, it starts at 8 PM.

Our plan, as it stands at the moment, is for us to push DD in her pram to the party, hope that sends her to sleep and hope that she stays asleep once there. If she wakes up and needs to go home DH will take her home to bed, so it's all very much play it by ear.

I was explaining this to my Mum, but she said 'I want her there so I can show her off to everyone'. The thing is, DD, if awake will no doubt be screaming as she does if she stays up too late. I think my Mum has vision of passing her around the party guests and then popping her in her pram to sleep when it gets later. I know this won't happen but my Mum seemed very uspet when I tried to explain this to her.

Now, I know babies change massively all the time, so who knows what she will be like in a few months time anyway, but was IBU to tell my Mum that DD won't be meeting and greeting her guests at that time of night?

I also do feel that if she did want to have a party that involved DD meeting people she could have scheduled something slightly earlier. I don't mind in the slightest that she's chosen to celebrate her birthday with an evening party (I would do the same), but I jsut don't see that she can have it both ways. She seems to think I'm just trying to spoil her fund though.

Sorry for the essay!

OP posts:
TotalChaos · 23/12/2008 14:32

I think YAB slightly U, as it's a one off special birthday.

Original poster
chequersandroastedchestnuts · 23/12/2008 14:33

So I should take DD there screaming?

OP posts:
Original poster
chequersandroastedchestnuts · 23/12/2008 14:33

She won't even let my Mother hold her past 6PM btw, let alone any strangers.

OP posts:
Pinkjennybellrock · 23/12/2008 14:34

Hmmm. It's a tricky one. I wish I'd been a bit more laid back with dd when she was very small. In fact, this time last year I verbally abused members of the Round Table outside my house because 7mo dd was asleep and their Santa Sleigh was too farking loud. Not a problem now, she never sleeps.

Anyway, I digress. I can see both sides, and I don't think either of you are BU.

Sorry, that was entirely unhelpful.

hercules1 · 23/12/2008 14:34

I agree it is unreasonable for your mum to expect a child that age to be awake and passed around at that time of the evening.

Original poster
chequersandroastedchestnuts · 23/12/2008 14:34

Sorry, this is starting to look AIBU by stealth! It's not really, my point is that she will be distressed and screaming at people. If she were happy to meet people at that time I wouldn't have an issue with it.

OP posts:
bellabelly · 23/12/2008 14:35

you are being completely reasonable! Ask your mum if she can ask a few friends round earlier if she wants to show off her granddaughter?

WorzselMincepieYummage · 23/12/2008 14:35

I dont think there is any such thing as being unreasonable when it involves how you want to parent your own child !

I will say though, when dd was about the same age we were quite regimented with bedtimes but for christmass and parties etc we'd get her ready in her bedcloths, clean and fed and park her somewhere quietish in her pram asleep, she was never bothered by it atall

I can undertstand your mum wanting her there but its up to you, your the boss !

CaptainKarvol · 23/12/2008 14:36

I think you may have underestimated the change that a few months will see. It's quite possible that your DD won't be too bad at that time of night by then.

Or, it's not ideal, but maybe she could have an earlier / longer nap? Is she the first grandchild?

I think it's something that you can get around, without too much stress to your DD or anyone else.

Original poster
chequersandroastedchestnuts · 23/12/2008 14:36

Thanks Worzel, DD is coming! She's going to be clean, fed and parked somewhere. Just not passed around all the guests.

OP posts:
PaddingtonBore · 23/12/2008 14:37

This sort of thing depends so much on what sort of baby you have. I would have loved DD to have been like my cousin's baby - happy to be passed round all and sundry whatever the hour. But DD has always been a screaming banshee slightly challenging if deprived of sleep, so we let folk know that if they want her to be around, daytime or early evening is most suitable.

Surely if she's almost certainly going to be grumpy the whole time then no-one would enjoy that anyway?

Original poster
chequersandroastedchestnuts · 23/12/2008 14:38

Thanks CK. I am very happy to try to work around it.

What do you suggest? At the moment she's terrified of strangers, but could well grow out of it. She won't take a dummy either and is pretty hard to console when overtired. What shall we do?

OP posts:
claireybaubles · 23/12/2008 14:38

Just take dd as planned in her pram, if she is asleep say people can't hold her, if she wakes up see how she is. Yes she might normally be overtired and screaming but you might also find that she'll have an hours sleep, wake up and be too interested in everything to remember that she is normally asleep at this time. That's how both of mine are, even ds who is a big screamer normally!

WorzselMincepieYummage · 23/12/2008 14:38

Just get something to swat away all the prying fingers and you will have a fab time

WorzselMincepieYummage · 23/12/2008 14:38

Just get something to swat away all the prying fingers and you will have a fab time

HensMum · 23/12/2008 14:38

You are not being unreasonable. The last place I'd want to be if I was tired and grumpy is at a party.
You're the one that has to deal with the fallout of an overtired baby so it's up to you to decide.

MissisBoot · 23/12/2008 14:39

Try her with a longer nap and then play it by ear - I can remember taking dd to a family party and despite all my worries she absolutely loved it and was charming everyone - I was gobsmacked as I really thought she'd be screaming!

Original poster
chequersandroastedchestnuts · 23/12/2008 14:40

Clairey, that sounds good, I would love it if that happened.

I just don't want to inflict a screamy overtired baby on people at a party and I don't want DD to have to cope with that when I know it will pretty much be a nightmare for her. Like paddington says, it very much depends on the baby. But if anyone has any suggestions as to how to make DD more placid I am very, very open to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
chequersandroastedchestnuts · 23/12/2008 14:41

Thanks Missis. How do I make her nap for longer? She goes 40 mins tops in the day.

OP posts:
beanieb · 23/12/2008 14:41

How long is 'a few months' ?

Pinkjennybellrock · 23/12/2008 14:42

40 minutes during the day? For a 4.5mo? Lordy.

Original poster
chequersandroastedchestnuts · 23/12/2008 14:43

Party is in March beanie.

OP posts:
TinyTimLivesinVictorianSqualor · 23/12/2008 14:46

Well, it's upto you isn't it.
I'd keep mine up though.

Agree with 'oh lordy' about naps though. How many does she have?

wilkosroastingonanopenfire · 23/12/2008 14:49

new years eve 07 our dd was 4 months. we got her ready for bed and then drove her to the house party we were invited to where she was decanted into a travel cot. amazingly she slept from about 7.30ish, then woke up at midnight due to all the whooping and hollering

however rather than making a ginormous fuss about being woken up as she would have done at home, she loved it. was passed around beaming and smiling until we took her back to ours, where she fell straight to sleep again.

and this is a kid who was and is UNBEARABLE if her sleep patterns are disrupted. so with luck you could be pleasantly suprised

claireybaubles · 23/12/2008 14:50

Honestly ds has always been a huge screamer and gets overtired v easily but as long as he has had some sleep then if he wakes at a party he is fine. Then as soon as he starts getting grizzly again I just put him back in pram/sling and get him off to sleep (you might need to go for a walk outside to do this though...).

I wouldn't advise you to keep her up for the party though, let her sleep on the way there and then play it by ear. I've had some fantastic nights at weddings etc with the dc being either cuddled by willing relatives or asleep in the pushchair in the corner. I would never have expected it to work with DS (dd is easy so another story) but it has.