to have told my Mum she's not going to be able to 'show DD off' at a party that starts an hour past her bedtime?

[chequersandroastedchestnuts]

Ok, the facts:

• DD is 4.5 months old, she goes to bed at 7 and really, she is overtired and grumpy from about 6 o clock but we try not to put her to bed any earlier than 7ish.

-My Mum is having a 60th birthday part in a few months, it starts at 8 PM.

Our plan, as it stands at the moment, is for us to push DD in her pram to the party, hope that sends her to sleep and hope that she stays asleep once there. If she wakes up and needs to go home DH will take her home to bed, so it's all very much play it by ear.

I was explaining this to my Mum, but she said 'I want her there so I can show her off to everyone'. The thing is, DD, if awake will no doubt be screaming as she does if she stays up too late. I think my Mum has vision of passing her around the party guests and then popping her in her pram to sleep when it gets later. I know this won't happen but my Mum seemed very uspet when I tried to explain this to her.

Now, I know babies change massively all the time, so who knows what she will be like in a few months time anyway, but was IBU to tell my Mum that DD won't be meeting and greeting her guests at that time of night?

I also do feel that if she did want to have a party that involved DD meeting people she could have scheduled something slightly earlier. I don't mind in the slightest that she's chosen to celebrate her birthday with an evening party (I would do the same), but I jsut don't see that she can have it both ways. She seems to think I'm just trying to spoil her fund though.

Sorry for the essay!

Thanks onepiece (previous post was directed to rindercella, not you btw).

I'm totally prepared to compromise, I think part of the problem is that my Mum has been telling everyone what a happy, contented baby DD is. Which she is. With DH and I. But she is bloody hard work with other people, and really very unhappy to be held by anyone else, esp in the evenings.

She is v much a morning person, and much happier to be around people she doesn't know in the day. But by 6PM she is seriously past her best, so if anyone has any really constructive suggestions about how to address this and her dislike of strangers I would really, really like to hear them please.

When ds was the age your dd is going to be we went to the UK for 4 weeks and went around staying with friends.

We got into a pattern where we would put ds to sleep when he got grumpy (around 6) and then we had a lovely leisurely dinner with our friends. And then at around 9pm he woke up and did the social thing with our friends and then went to bed with us at 11pm.

Obviously we wouldn't have done this as a normal routine but it worked really well.

So put her to bed at 6pm as you say you are really trying to push her out until 7pm anyway, then go to the party later on and if she wakes up then she has had some sleep (and can have some more after the party).

MIL's want to show off children, it's what they do. They also come around and help out if you have horrible food poisoning and can't look after you child.

Even without reading thread.
Get over yerself nad be glad she is interested.In 18 months when she is a snotty toddler into everything, she won't feel the same.Enjoy it while it lasts.

You know, I think the first 10 minutes or so were quite scary for her. She was (and still is to some degree) quite a 'clingy' baby (although I hate that expression) and really hated being passed around. I just delayed all the things we would normally do at bed time, but made sure she had a good b/feed before we went out, which usually keeps her happy! When we got to the party (at SIL's restaurant) I just made sure that she had what she wanted when she wanted it (so food, drinks, etc). I had hoped to stay longer than we did, but it was a noisy night, so we left DH to it at about 10.30. I got her back to the hotel, did her normal bedtime routine. She was asleep by 11.15pm and woke at 9.30 the following morning, as bright as a daisy! (sorry, for some bizarre reason can't do paragraph breaks atm, so need to keep ploughing on!). What worked for DD was not to have been in a schedule to start off with, but having things done in a particular order, regardless of the time. This also helped when we did a transatlantic flight recently, when she was just perfect, and didn't cry once (both ways)! Will try & think of anything else to help. But, I must repeat myself, it can be done!

Thanks twentypence. That is exactly the kind of constructive advice I can use.

(btw I've had food poisioning and had to deal with her on my own, as I've said, we have no family nearby).

Moondog, get over yourself yourself.

Happy Christmas

chequers you mention you are travelling a long way, will you be staying with your mother for a few days? If so perhaps there will be opportunity for some of her friends to meet your dd when she is more at her best?

I would probably go to the party with the intention of staying an hour or so, and ready for you/dh to take dd back to hotel/your mum's wherever you are staying if she does get overwhelmed. However this plan has the benefit of you being able to stay on for longer if she isn't unsettled.

By the time of the party she may be on solids, both my dcs enjoy their food and a snack or two may occupy her for a little while during the evening, and give her a bit more energy?

Alternatively you or dh could take her out of the party for a drive/push in the pram to get her off to sleep, then bring her back in in her car seat/buggy?

Same to you m'dear.
Honestly, none of it maTTERS IN LONG RUN.

Thanks everyone, I'm going to try some of these ideas.

My Mum will just have to lump it if she's asleep or screaming.

Oncepiece, yes, staying at my Mum's, but the party is at a function room place.

Moondog, you're right, it doesn't matter in the long run. Thanks for that (genuinely).

chequersandroastedchestnuts - Your DD sounds like my DS! Well, I flew longhaul to see my family and my grandmother was having a big birthday party (started at 8pm as well) and I knew DS would have a meltdown. He's just like your DD - can barely keep him up beyond 6.30pm at the age your DD is at now. And he would not sleep in his pushchair either (you have no idea how many 'helpful' advice I've been given about getting DS to sleep in his pushchair...). He's better now, bedtime is now 7pm and can be pushed to 7.30pm...

Anyway, back to my story... As it was a one-off and lots of relatives would be at the party, I took DS along. He got passed around and was really overwhelmed. He started crying and would not stop! Even my cousins were amazed at his ability to cry nonstop. In the end, I had to hide behind the curtains on stage (it was in a community hall) holding a screaming/crying DS for 2 hours and I have to say I ended up crying with him towards the end as it broke my heart seeing how tired he is. He finally fell asleep in my arms. But there is no way I am doing that again. Recently, we did stay up a little later than usual (it was my FIL's birthday) and he got really grumpy towards the end but not screaming or crying and ended up going to bed at just gone 8pm.

So I think your plan to play it by the ear is a good one. If your DD has a meltdown, I am sure your mum will understand if your DH wants to take her back. Though the others are right in that yes, it's a one-off and your DD won't suffer any longterm ill effects from being kept up one night. I am sure when your DD starts crying/screaming, everyone will understand if you want to take her away!

Chequers, sorry I did not mean to give the impression that you somehow resented your mother's party. I just remembered being soooo stressed trying to organise DH's party, and worrying myself to bits about how DD would handle it all, I was run ragged by the time the party came along. But, as it was DH's party, the most important thing was that he enjoyed it (he did, it was in July & he still says thank you to me!). (arrrggghhh, still can't do paragraph breaks!!!) Really, the best thing you can do is make sure your DD has all the things she knows & loves around her to make herself feel more comfortable. I am sure your mother will understand if you need to leave the party early to put DD to bed. If anyone tries to play 'pass the parcel' with your DD, just smile sweetly and say she is fine as she is thank you.

Thanks rindercella.

I really need to work on the pass the parcel thing. When DD cries people tend to jiggle her around and try to cheer her up which just makes her more and more distraught. I need to work on being more firm in those situations..

chequers - Just saw that it's you (and wanted to give your extra hugs!), is your DD 14.5 weeks already? Wow, hope it's going well!

Just wanted to say you have no idea how envious I was that my cousins' babies all either got happily passed around or slept in their pushchairs while I got lumped with a screaming baby... But every baby has its own personality and my LO just happens to love his sleep a little too much (just like his daddy...).

Thanks angel!

At least I know I am not the only one! She's 19.5 weeks already, I don't know where the time has gone.

Hope you're little chap is doing well.

Oh God Chequers, I know exactly what you mean!!! Even at 15/16 months DD is still very reluctant to go to people she is unfamiliar with. On holiday a waiter accidently tripped her up. She cried, waiter immediately tried to make it better by picking her up & giving her a cuddle. My God, the screeches that followed could be heard for miles, I'm sure!! The sweetest smile followed by 'it's fine thanks' goes a long way, I promise you (see my previous thread on 'hissing (step) FIL!!!).

Argh, I meant to say 4.5 months... My little boy is great, 10 months old today. I feel kinda sad he is growing up so quick. He is looking like a proper little boy and cruises (around furniture I mean) so gets his hands into everything!

Honestly, don't sweat it too much. I went with the attitude that I would have to suck it up whatever happens. It was still hard when it happened but hey, it's all a distant memory now. Incidentally, my other grandmother (whom I'm not so close to so I don't feel too bad about what happened...) had a birthday dinner a week later and boy, everyone had learned their lesson then. We got to the restaurant, it was really bright, busy and noisy, DS started up and my dad drove us home straightaway! Ha ha. It was important to show our faces to know that at least we tried...

Angel, 10 months and almost walking, that's amazing! I hope you all have a lovely first xmas together.

Rindercella, that's good advice, thanks I wilkl try it.

Thanks to everyone who contributed to this thread, I think it's made me realise that we should make the effort, and if it goes horribly wrong we'll just have to suck it up. But I will make sure we do our best to get her in good form.

Thank you

Merry Christmas to you too chequers. Have a good one!

...

Don't stress about it until a week beforehand. When's the party you said "a few months' time"? So much changes worry about it then.

If you want to "win" when it comes to mIL, then fine, I wouldn't argue with that view, however if you're genuinely looking for suggestions to make the whole thing work and everybody happy then I'd say one night won't make a difference to her routine. If she's tiredin her pram she'll sleep and refuse to wake up. If she is happy to be awake then that'll produce the bebfit to you of her sleeping later come the am.

MIL?

Win?

Eh?

YANBU at all. If she is asleep, ahe stays asleep. However, my DD sounds just like yours when it comes to sleep ie has a screaming fit if she gets overtired. She is now 7.5 mths and would probably now be ok if kept up a bit later if she had lots of people to entertain her. Also, until about 6 weeks ago, she would not let anyone hold her apart from me or DH. Now she goes to everyone.

Nevetheless, if I was in your position, even now, I would say that she I expect her to be asleep by 7pm. if she wakes herself, then she can play, otherwise she will remain asleep.