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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed that dh has just told me he hasn't had time to buy me a present this year

60 replies

greenbeanie · 22/12/2008 12:55

Money has been really tight so we have cut back but I have still managed to get things for him and the dc by buying bits over the last few months. I bought myself a couple of things in sales which he has kindly said he will wrap up to give me!!! He say he hasn't had time to get to the shops, he goes into town most weekends, or use the internet. It's not the money that matters, I didn't expect anything big but as they say it's the thought that counts

OP posts:

misshardbroom · 22/12/2008 12:56

YANBU. At all.

Hope you get something lovely from other people.

Iklboo · 22/12/2008 12:56

Tell him you haven't got time to cook Xmas dinner

Helium · 22/12/2008 12:57

YANBU - it's not like Christmas has just been 'sprung' on him!! He's had 265 days fgs!!

Poppycake · 22/12/2008 13:00

that's rubbish, silly man. Do you know someone who can have a word with him? When I did't have much money we would do IOUs for nice things to do - like looking after the children while the other goes out with friends, or making a special dinner or other more intimate things you can imagine for yourself!! There is absolutely no excuse for not trying to make someone else happy and he should buck his ideas up, or have them bucked for him!!

gingernutlover · 22/12/2008 13:08

my dh was like this for a few years running and that was before we had kids for gods sake no no excuse about having no spare time then! It took him a very long time to realise he was really hurting me by doing this. Not the present/amount of money or anything like that, more the effort he was willing to go to for me (or not).

The only thing that has fixed it really is time and me nagging - which sours it a little but he is much better now.

Agree someone should say somthing to him in a "what little somthing have you got for DW then?"

ninedragons · 22/12/2008 13:10

I don't suppose there's any chance he's trying to throw you off the scent and will produce something inexpensive but thoughtfully chosen and divine on Christmas morning?

If not, I'd spit the dummy, to be honest. It's just rude and lazy.

In lean times it's even more important to make sure your partner knows you love them, you think about them and you would spend your last penny to make them happy. Five pounds' worth of second-hand paperbacks or CDs can be all you need to show you care.

He'd better get his bloody shopping boots on then, hadn't he?

TinyTimLivesinVictorianSqualor · 22/12/2008 13:12

I have four presents sitting under the tree waiting for xmas day because I complained so loudly last year
YANBU, getcha moaning hat on.

ChrismumMiaow · 22/12/2008 13:12

My DH is rubbish at presents, but at least, thanks to the internet, he manages something (even if my parcels arrive and he leaves them lying around in plain sight for days until he wraps them - last night!)

YANBU!

SalLikesEggnogUnderMistletoe · 22/12/2008 13:18

I don't want to give you false hope, but is it not perhaps possible that he is just pretending? If not, you could laugh when he says that, saying something in the line of "yeah right, I know you'd be more thoughtful that that". Might shame him into being a bit more thoughtful. It doesn't need to cost much (if any - I like Poppycake's IOU idea), but it is nice to have a little something, isn't it.

girlywhirly · 22/12/2008 15:05

There is no excuse for this, it's lazy and insulting. If he is planning a surprise, this is not the way to go about it! It could so easily go wrong.

I have given up on the 'I want a surprise". I make a list of things I would like, with prices and location details, and DH selects gifts from this. The surprise is which things I receive in the end.

My former husband once didn't get me a birthday present because he claimed I hadn't said what I wanted. This was the start of the decline of our marriage, his lack of respect, I wasn't even worthy of a few flowers or chocolates. I hope to God this isn't true for you. I really would make it clear that by not making at least some effort, you will feel really hurt. Ninedragons is absolutely right, if you care about someone you'll go without yourself in order to make your partner happy.

Shitemum · 22/12/2008 15:11

What about me? This morning I went to buy myself a present for DP to give me and discovered I couldn't afford it!

Lauriefairyonthetreeeatscake · 22/12/2008 15:16

that's really shit

I would get him all excited, bring him almost to bursting point, and then go downstairs saying you haven't time to finish him off.

Tanee58 · 22/12/2008 15:19

I'm hoping he's winding you up - otherwise YANBU. My exH wasn't good on gift giving either. One notorious Christmas he gave me a silly humorous CD (which he had searched for, to give him some credit) - but I thought it was a joke present and was really upset when I realised he wasn't giving me anything else! It was one of the tinier nails in the coffin of our marriage . Present DP and I like spoiling each other rotten - we have very little money but it's amazing what you can find on the internet or by trawling charity shops so I get a mixture of nice things and very silly things!. I've also set up a wishlist on Amazon which he can dip into.

I do most of my gift shopping for others on the net - couldn't your H do the same? It's quicker than going to the shops and often cheaper!

If he seriously doesn't give you anything, suggest Poppycake's idea of IOUs.

Alibear1 · 22/12/2008 15:19

ROFL at Laurie

That is rubbish and YANBU. With internet shopping there is no excuse to not buy a present because of lack of time.

Tortington · 22/12/2008 15:20

yanbu he is a cock

mazzystartled · 22/12/2008 15:21

he still has time

all day tommorrow
all day xmas eve

Flibbertyjibbet · 22/12/2008 15:23

I don't always get a pressie off dp. (he will always apologise and give me a decent wodge of cash to go shopping in the sales though, which is always very welcome).
If getting a present off him means, like some of you do here, nagging all year, giving him lists and shops and prices so there's no surprise element, then I don't want one.
I'd really rather have my lovely man all year round than some present that I have nagged him into.
Today he is off searching for a coal merchant so that we can have a fire hot enough to send the ds's letters to santa up the chimney tomorrow night. Now, should I have said 'no, sod the kids xmas letters, get to debenhams and buy me something I could find cheaper in the sales'.
My ex used to get me fabulous birthday and christmas presents. Then he'd be back to the abuse by boxing day. So presents don't mean a thing, its the person the rest of the year that I'm interested in.

ScruffySoAndSo · 22/12/2008 15:23

COMPLAIN AND SHOW OFF AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.

He might just learn from it for next year and ever after.

PURE LAZINESS!!!!!

TheOtherMaryPoppinsJingles · 22/12/2008 15:23

still got two days shopping left plus tonight - bar him from the house and send him out shopping, tell him you won't let him in without bags!!

twoluvlysnowmen · 22/12/2008 15:24

he's still get the rest of today,all of tomorrow and the next.....

don't think i've got much from my dh, but i've had lots earlier this year,ifswim.

1 year, he didn't get me anything, not from him or wrapped up from dc's (they were little) and he's never get over the verbal i gave him

nor have i

Rookietherednosedreindeer · 22/12/2008 15:27

Oh you are so not being unreasonable. I hate this genetic male disorder that prevents them from recognising that Christmas comes on the same blinking day every year and if you are busy close to the main event with walking weekends away and clay pigeon shooting and work YOU PREPARE IN ADVANCE LIKE ANY NORMAL PERSON WOULD DO.

I'd offer him some sausages and mash to eat on christmas day and say that you have been too busy to buy and cook christmas dinner, throw in some chips and your DC won't even care.

clumsymum · 22/12/2008 15:33

My dh has only ONCE not properly got me present, for a birthday when ds was one. He had been acting thoughtlessly for sometime before my birthday, and on the day came home after work with a cheap book I had actually pointed out to him the previous week, still in it's amazon wrapper.

I went ape, pointed out that I didn't ask for a lot, but deseved a bit more care and consideration than that, gven how I run round after him etc. etc. etc. he could at least have wrapped it.
About 3 weeks later I realised that he was really struggling with depression (his mum had died that year, he'd changed jobs, we had had ds, it all triggered it off), which was why he'd seemed soooo uncaring.

We got him sorted, and he has NEVER missed buying me something nice (not necessarily expensive, but a surprise) in the 13 years since.

Not caring enough to get you SOMETHING isn't gooid enough.

I'd hold back giving him presents if he hasn't got anything for you.

Neeerly3 · 22/12/2008 15:37

one year, we was brassic, i mean proper brassic - can't remember what I bought him, but he wrapped up his last Rolo!

No excuse for no presents ever!

just shortly before my 30th, my DH announced he'd not bought anything yet and I didn't mind did I? Did I 'ECK! I stamped my feet and shrieked that he'd had so much time to prepare, that he knew i was turning 30 at some point etc etc.....the day arrives and he'd booked the entire family (him, me and the kids) on a ski-ing trip, bought me a personalised number plate (not everyones taste, but I was sooo excited!), and some papmering things to enjoy in our soon to be new bathroom.....he was more than forgiven!

gingernutlover · 22/12/2008 15:43

you are completely right, fliberrtyjibbet, presents dont matter

spending a little time and effort on someone you love does though

telling somone you love that you havent had time to do somthing which has been coming for the last year shows disrespect, lack of thought and not much love in my opinion.

Writing down 10 things you love about someone, offering to clean the house and cook the dinner, getting up with the kids xmas day, an IOU etc dont cost a thing, but they take time, effort and thought.

QueenEagle · 22/12/2008 15:44

This happened to me last year and was the final nail in the coffin for me. Even though I have struggled on for another year, things have happened recently which have made me realise I have to get out of this marriage NOW.

I gave dh his presents last year with the kids and was waiting expectantly for him to give me mine.......and he said he sort of didn't have the time or know what to get me. I felt like I had been worthless of his time and effort and it really hurt, and if I am honest it still hurts even a year later.

No excuse for this in my book.

But for me it will be a New Year, new start.

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