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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be a bit annoyed that dh spent nearly £100 at tescos, this close to xmas, without discussing what we need first??

51 replies

schmu · 17/12/2008 21:38

a bit of background...we are really, really strapped for cash, atm. we have been hit massively by the recession and i have been busting a gut over the past 2 months to adjust to a hugely reduced income. (dh has gone from earning very well to not drawing a salary at all- he's self employed- almost overnight.) i work p/t.

i have been shopping v carefully, cooking from scratch and really trying to be economical.

i went shopping last friday to buy a few xmas treats. then agin on sunday, for day to day groceries. i spent about £60 each time, which included some xmas foodie gifts.

my plan was to do a basic shop for veg and a few nibbles just before xmas, but not to do another big shop.

today, while i was at work, dh decided to go to tesco and spent £90+. i didnt know he was going and he bought alot of the same stuff that we already have.

to be fair, he did by some store cupboard bits that wont perish, but i feel that we need to be budgetting right now, not stock piling!

i bit my tongue when he came home, as i didnt want to start a row, even though i was instantly irritated that he'd been shopping when i've been so recently. it was only when i saw that he'd splashed out on a second xmas present for his dad that my irritation poured out, so to speak.

he was livid with me for not reacting gratefully to his shopping trip. he said that he was trying to be helpful, and that i am controlling, unreasonable etc etc and that all of the things he bought will be used eventually.

admittedly, i do usually choose/ do the shopping. but thats because i have more time and do the cooking. dh spent all that money and the only meals he got were frozen pizzas and pasta and sauce.

he was pretty unpleasant and mean, tbh. really sarcastic and horrid. he then went off to meet friends for a xmas drink, but not before accusing me of hiding his keys

should i have been grateful rather than annoyed? how would you have felt?

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schmu · 17/12/2008 21:39

a bit a lot annoyed.

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schmu · 17/12/2008 21:40

sorry, that didnt work, did it. was trying to corss out the word 'bit'

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Sonnet · 17/12/2008 21:41

I would have felt vey annoyed.Does he realise he's blown the budget?

Can you freeze anthing?

laweaselmys · 17/12/2008 21:42

Incredibly peed off. Sounds like he doesn't understand the reality that him not earning any more has in your life.

schmu · 17/12/2008 21:45

he doesnt get the whole budget thing. because its only our fruit stockpile that might actaully go to waste, he cant see the problem. he thinks he's done well to stock up on special offer items.

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loobeylou · 17/12/2008 21:45

This reminds me of when DH went shopping when DD1 was a few weeks old and came back having spent 3 X what I expected! But he tried and I had to be grateful!

I guess if he took advantage of all the BOGOFs etc and was trying to be nice to you, not just splashing out on a whim you have to be fair, give him the benefit of the doubt.

But how much did he spend on the extra gift and had you discussed/agreed budgets etc, or do you just feel it's not fair that his Dad gets more than someone else perhaps?

tiredsville · 17/12/2008 21:46

Budget or no budget, men just should not be responsible for the weekly groceries. They typically buy everything you don't need.
YANBU

NorthernLurkerwithastarontop · 17/12/2008 21:48

I would have been annoyed - but he didn't set out to annoy you did he? He was trying to do what needed to be done and probably feels like you've chucked his good intentions back at him. Not saying he was right - he's been stupid and shortsighted and generally a bit aaaaaargh! but it's not worth falling out over. He shouldn't have shouted at you either but being short of money is going to put a big starin on both of you and sometimes you gain more in the long tern by making it up and turning the other cheek. I do hope he apologises when he comes home. He probably feels just as rubbish as you do.

schmu · 17/12/2008 21:49

laweaselmys, he hasnt shopped since our change in circs

loobey, i've been v v careful with xmas gifts. £5 to £10 per person (except the dcs). we have his parents (joint) present already. he spent another £10 of FIL so will want to get his mum something else too now,to even it out, i expect.

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LightShinesInTheDarkness · 17/12/2008 21:50

With all the stress of Christmas, you could have done without this one! Maybe he really does not appreciate the effort you have been putting in to managing the money, and needs it spelling out. We have been in a similar situation - we resorted to taking out cash once a week and writing on the envelope when we needed to take some out. It is tough, but it does work.

TheVirginGoober · 17/12/2008 21:50

In his defence, he was only trying to help.

prettybutterfly · 17/12/2008 21:51

Yanbu! I would have been really, really annoyed.

schmu · 17/12/2008 21:51

oh northern, you're right... but when i've been trying SO hard to budget and he does this..i kind of feel like MY good intentions are a waste of time. does that make sense?

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schmu · 17/12/2008 21:54

tiredsville, lol! you are SO right.

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NorthernLurkerwithastarontop · 17/12/2008 21:55

yes it makes sense - but be sure to tell him that too - you know he was trying hard but you are trying hard too and you are BOTH struggling here. You're in it together and this is just a misunderstanding that you can clear up. You need to feel in control of everything sure - but so does he and having lost his income that bit of control that he does have is going to be even more precious to him - if either of you feel under threat you will fight back hard because you are very, very vulnerable right now.

MerryMadMarg · 17/12/2008 21:59

The problem is, you being careful probably hasn't registered in his psyche, because he hasn't actually had to do it. Unless you go into great details on what you normally buy, he wouldn't have any idea just how careful you are being.

Annoying, but not enough to get too worked up over.

schmu · 17/12/2008 22:00

northern, you sound very sensible. we are v v tense atm. i was a bit stressed, i admit. he was so horrible, though.

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LightShinesInTheDarkness · 17/12/2008 22:02

part of being horrible was probably just defensiveness when he saw how much he had upset you

schmu · 17/12/2008 22:02

merry, the biggest upset was how nasty he was, tbh. if he'd said 'oops, yes i can see that we didnt really need another 100 satsumas...' then i mightve felt more gracious about it.

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NorthernLurkerwithastarontop · 17/12/2008 22:02

Yes well I've been in your shoes and it's hard - you don't realise how tense you are till you explode iyswim. It is vital to cling together though - absolutely the essence of united we stand, divided we fall. I hope you can get on ok when he comes home.

southeastastra · 17/12/2008 22:03

£100 in tesco doesn't buy that much

NorthernLurkerwithastarontop · 17/12/2008 22:03

oh and I would bet my last mince pie that he feels crap about being awful to you - will probably take a lot to get it out of him - but I'm sure that's how he feels.

MerryMadMarg · 17/12/2008 22:07

Schmu - he probably feels like absolute crap at the moment. He lost his all his income, and now he can't even get the basic shopping right. He's probably wondering whether there's anything that he can get right at all - and reacted.

schmu · 17/12/2008 22:08

well, wasnt planning to actually see him later. was rather hoping he'd opt for the spare room... i cant bear sharing bed space after an argument.

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schmu · 17/12/2008 22:10

merry, you are also full of wise words. i bet he feels awful. trouble is, i'm the punch bag, atm.

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