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AIBU?

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Original poster

to want my 23 year old bully to leave home

58 replies

susanne1964 · 16/12/2008 23:16

I have brought up my two kids (boy of 23, girl of 15) on my own for the past 13 years. I have always worked and spoilt the boy but learnt a lesson and did not spoil the girl. she is as cute as can be. My problem is the boy, he is aggressive, nasty, and thinks he is man of the house. He basically bullies us. When I give him money he is really nice but when he is out of work he can be abusive and nasty. I have put up with him for years thinking that he was hard done by. Friends of his have told me that he was the best dressed etc in the area and I know now he is a spoilt brat. My family and friends tell me to throw him out but how can i do it if he has nowhere to go, now getting to the end of the road with him where i look at him and see his father and realise they are so alike. Myself and my daughter just want a easy life and want him out of the house, but he threatens to smash it up. I just want a peaceful life now I am tired, i have so done my very best by him and he blames all life problems on me. just need advice i suppose but i also need to bring my daughter up and make her realise that not all men are verbal bullies and spoilt brats because that what he is. i am struggling to cope he is bigger and louder than me and i dont know what to do. please give some advioe

OP posts:
CarminaBanana · 16/12/2008 23:20

Work out what you want from him, and tell him.
You are his parent.
If he wants to live in your home he needs to respect you, the rest of the family, and your property.
If he threatens to hurt you or your DD, or if he threatens to be destructive, call the police.

MerryMadMarg · 16/12/2008 23:23

Why does he need to change? After all, you constantly give into him. It is really going to be hard, and he may well smash your place up if you kick him out, but I think you need to do it, as nothing else has worked. You also need to decide whether you are going to be willing to call the police if such a thing happens.

singledadofthree · 16/12/2008 23:25

that sounds pretty awful

he needs to grow up and be a man - but i expect you know that. he can't blame his problems at 23 on you - is far too long.

have you told him how he's making you feel toward him? does he realise what he's doing? if this - and being spoilt by you - has gone on for as long as he can remember he may have forgotten ho he should behave. its maybe just too natural for him now.

he needs shocking out of it somehow.

dont have an answer, sorry, am better with seatbelt problems

Original poster
susanne1964 · 16/12/2008 23:27

thank you for replying, i just want him to live here and yes pay his own way, but clear up after himself, speak to my daughter and myself with respect ( he doesnt at the moment) i have threatened to call the police and my big brothers lol many a time but he takes no notice. we just want him out of our lives and i know that sounds harsh but he has so many hang ups that i dont know how to deal with. he smoked pot for a long time, his natural dad had no contact for 15 years and blames me dont know where to go with him

OP posts:
PlonkerTeatowelOnTheirHeads · 16/12/2008 23:27

at "the boy"

Hope you manage to sort everything out ...

Original poster
susanne1964 · 16/12/2008 23:29

i made the mistake of spoiling him and now he is a 23 year old that thinks the world owes him a living and he cant speak to me like a piece of xxxxxx he shouts and swears and im scared of what he will do if i dont give in

OP posts:
ravenAK · 16/12/2008 23:30

I think you need to ask him to move out for a bit.

He needs to do some growing up (& realise that not everyone is quite so easily bullied as his mum & his little sister). You need a break.

How would he react if you told him you wanted him to move out?

nappyaddict · 16/12/2008 23:31

threaten to call the police next time he acts up and actually do it.

Original poster
susanne1964 · 16/12/2008 23:33

he wont, i have asked him so many times, said to him if he is not happy then maybe go somewhere else, but his reply is "have nowhere to go so fxxck of" lol I dont know where to go with this anymore, my duaghter is seeing all that goes on and says " please mum make him move out" and i want him to but he wont go

OP posts:
Original poster
susanne1964 · 16/12/2008 23:34

He reckons that he will smash up the house, cut the brakes on my car with katie in it

OP posts:
kormaisforlifenotjustchristmas · 16/12/2008 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ManIFeelLikeAWoman · 16/12/2008 23:34

Is there any chance he has problems with alcohol or drugs? It sounds like he is exhibiting much of the behaviour of an addict. If he does, throw him out now - you are doing him no favours and you have plenty more misery in store.

Apologies if this is unfair and not the case - I tend to see this sort of thing when it's not there sometimes ...

CarminaBanana · 16/12/2008 23:35

"i have threatened to call the police and my big brothers lol many a time but he takes no notice".

He won't if you never follow through with your threats.
I wouldn't advocate calling your big brothers, but I would call his bluff and get the police involved if he scares you or your DD.
It sounds like he needs a good dose of reality.
Don't allow him to treat you like this.
If he is rude or aggressive or destructive, call the police, and leave his belongings on the doorstep.

(One point from your OP though - pls don't blame him for being like his father - it's not fair to put that on him).

kormaisforlifenotjustchristmas · 16/12/2008 23:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SparklyGothKat · 16/12/2008 23:37

I have known people like this, and they have ended up in prison. You have to take the bull by the horns and sort this out

singledadofthree · 16/12/2008 23:41

does sound time to make him face up to what he's become.

theres only you that can do it but i'd have male relatives there to back you up.

then whatever happens you dont need to threaten - just get on with it.

this has gone on way too long.

Original poster
susanne1964 · 16/12/2008 23:42

kormaisforlifenotjlust for christmas, it is not the way you think, my daughter loves her brother warts and all and she has pacified him for the past year or so. I have been the best parent that anyone can be to him belive me and it has done me no good he is a bully. carminabanana, he is just like his dad and that is so scary that is the main reason i cannot handle the bad moods.He ws smoking pot for years and has not for the past year or so he tells us. Has been in and out of work for god knows how long, and when he is not working relies on me

OP posts:
Original poster
susanne1964 · 16/12/2008 23:44

i dont know how to do this , brothers and me dont want to throw him out but have a 15 year old to think about, i love him to death but ashamed to say i hate him at the same time for what he is doing to his sister

OP posts:
ravenAK · 16/12/2008 23:44

You need him OUT.

He needs to know he's pushed it too far. Threatening to tamper with your brakes - woah, line crossed there.

He's 23. He doesn't need his mother to take on responsibility for his threatening behaviour - he is an adult.

kormaisforlifenotjustchristmas · 16/12/2008 23:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
susanne1964 · 16/12/2008 23:49

i just want a peaceful life, go to work come home, cook dinner etc. each day we deal with a different mood, daughter cannot invite friends around i certainly would not even try to meet someone through fear of him being nasty. i feel a bit of a coward and weak and i hate to feel like this. omg im sounding a wimp lol

OP posts:
Joolyjoolyjoo · 16/12/2008 23:49

No direct experience, but gosh, that's a hard one.

I do think moving out for a while might be the answer- with your support. Can you help him/ help get him on the council list? Is his dad well out of the picture- could he help him to get a place?

I have had experience of a friend with a brother like this (but he does have some MH issues) and another friend of my dad's with a drug addict son who is wrecking his life. My uncle stayed at home until he finally outlived my grandparents. he was thoroughly spoiled (the youngest in a family of 5, the rest were all out and working as son as they were able) and still expects the world to revolve around him and his needs- we have pretty much all lost contact with him now, as he is such an unpleasant person. I would say you owe it to your son to try to make his own way, and to realise that his behaviour isn't acceptable- but not sure of the best way to achieve that aim, as I don't know him, sorry

Original poster
susanne1964 · 16/12/2008 23:55

kormaisforlifenotjustforchristmas: wash my hands of him" i love him to death and would do anything for him and he knows it and that is why i am in the position that i am in now. please dont knock me i have been the best parent that he could ever have. " why have i allowed him to smoke weed" try stopping a 20 year old in his bedroom with his mates who are taller and bigger than you

OP posts:
ManIFeelLikeAWoman · 16/12/2008 23:56

Throw him out.

I wish my mum had thrown me out .... I wasn't violent. Just a selfish, self-obsessed, leeching drunk who worried her and spoiled her life for a good few years.

Throwing him out isn't the same as giving up on him - it just means you won't have him under your roof until he can behave. You're still his mum, you'll just stop being his care-worker. It's called "detaching with love ..."

kormaisforlifenotjustchristmas · 16/12/2008 23:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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