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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want my 23 year old bully to leave home

58 replies

susanne1964 · 16/12/2008 23:16

I have brought up my two kids (boy of 23, girl of 15) on my own for the past 13 years. I have always worked and spoilt the boy but learnt a lesson and did not spoil the girl. she is as cute as can be. My problem is the boy, he is aggressive, nasty, and thinks he is man of the house. He basically bullies us. When I give him money he is really nice but when he is out of work he can be abusive and nasty. I have put up with him for years thinking that he was hard done by. Friends of his have told me that he was the best dressed etc in the area and I know now he is a spoilt brat. My family and friends tell me to throw him out but how can i do it if he has nowhere to go, now getting to the end of the road with him where i look at him and see his father and realise they are so alike. Myself and my daughter just want a easy life and want him out of the house, but he threatens to smash it up. I just want a peaceful life now I am tired, i have so done my very best by him and he blames all life problems on me. just need advice i suppose but i also need to bring my daughter up and make her realise that not all men are verbal bullies and spoilt brats because that what he is. i am struggling to cope he is bigger and louder than me and i dont know what to do. please give some advioe

OP posts:

Original poster

susanne1964 · 17/12/2008 00:01

manifeellikeawoman, i have finally burst into tears lol, i love him to bits and would do anything for him but you are right he needs to grow up. if you can do it so can he. bet your mum and you are close now

OP posts:

Original poster

susanne1964 · 17/12/2008 00:02

OP posts:

Original poster

susanne1964 · 17/12/2008 00:04

kormaisforlifenotjustforchristmas.... please speak honestly dont bow out i need all the help i can get, i wont take offence x

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ravenAK · 17/12/2008 00:05

It's not OK for a 23 year old man to be terrorizing his family.

If he lives with you & dd because that suits all concerned, great.

Otherwise, he needs to make his own arrangements. He is NOT the head of the house - you are.

kormaisforlifenotjustchristmas · 17/12/2008 00:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

susanne1964 · 17/12/2008 00:18

singledadofthree thank you , i am sure i will go through this again tommorow just nice to find somewhere i can sound off x

OP posts:

dittany · 17/12/2008 00:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

susanne1964 · 17/12/2008 00:27

omg, i have done everything that you have listed i promie, but he is such a angry person and i dont know what to don anymore. He did not see his dad for 15 years and that is not my fault, he knew where we lived but he had got thrown out of the army and went his own way. Dan, my son, watched him try to hand himself,etc old story another day, i brought him up with the best of everything and tried to make up for his father and truly i did on my mothers grave. I spoilt him but i love him, i look at him and my heart goes out to him, he thinks that family do not care, but we do honestly. He is angry with me cos financially i have stopped supporting him thats it. I am trying to do tough love making him stand on his own two feet whilst living at home. He gets paid 400.00 pound evey week and will have nothing by Monday morning, i live on that a fortnight after paying bills, mortgage etc can you see where i am coming from x

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Granny22 · 17/12/2008 00:28

This is domestic abuse. If it was your partner treating you and your daughter like this, everyone on the thread would be saying 'throw him out, contact the police, get a restraining order, ring Women's Aid.' Why are you being blamed and blaming yourself? We say 'like father, like son' and are pleased about that when our children exhibit the talents and good traits of their Dad. You can debate endlessly about the Nature or Nurture argument but he is now a grown man and therefore any fault is his. You say you have been a good parent and I believe you, afterall you have made an excellent job of raising your daughter. The damage was done to your son 13 or more years ago by your ex and YOU cannot put it right now.

Protect yourself and yur daughter.

kormaisforlifenotjustchristmas · 17/12/2008 00:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortington · 17/12/2008 00:36

i think the important thing is to give him a realistic deadline. sit down n a conversation - tell him he has to move out and negotiate a date - stick to it - help him etc.

tell him he is always welcome in your home and you love him, but he needs to move out now. he has til [i would suggest] end of february.

i found one my son moved out to work at butlins for the summer,homelife was a lot easier.

perhaps try butlins or keycamp type holidays.

YOU must tell him firmly that although you love him very much, you will have no hesitation in calling the police if he threatens you again. tell him you wouldnt allow a stranger to do it - and remind him that he probably wouldn't eaither.

tell him if anything happens to your belongings or car - he will be arrested and afterwards your brothers will knock his head off. - them smile and tell him you love him, but you require to be treated with a certain amount of respect by anone - just becuase they are human - not becuase they are mother.

love you son, you have til end of feb, you will always be welcome back here for visits and chats and i look forward to it - i will help you out with a deposit. however if anything happens to me , your sister or any ofour belongings , i will call the police - and i am not kidding. when they are done with you and your community service or whatever sentence then uncles will wrap your arse round a lampost. so, behave yourself love, and iwill help with a deposit, i love you - but its time.

Original poster

susanne1964 · 17/12/2008 00:40

granny22, how right you are!! i have done the best that i can by him, giving him the best clothes, pampering to his evey whim etc. He has turned into a angry young man whilst my daughter is the sweetest, kindest young lady that i have ever known. The thing is i am scared of him now i dont know how he will react each day. I got made redundant two weeks ago (mfi) and his reply is " get another job" "fxxck you) stress head. i am struggling to keep it together and in all honesty katie and I just want him out now, he hates us and we can see it in his eyes and the way he talks to us, treats us. But he is a man and bigger and bolder than us x x

OP posts:

Original poster

susanne1964 · 17/12/2008 00:48

i tell him i love him all the time and he knows it that is why he does what he does. i have told him i will call the police and his answer is " call them and i will kick thier ass" Katie can never invite friends around cos he tells them to fxxx off. we clean up after him, and when we ask him to pick up after himself he tells us to fxxx of. im just so tired of it and want to run away and if it was not for katie i would do it i love him but hate him lol.

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ManIFeelLikeAWoman · 17/12/2008 00:49

My mum and I are very close now.

I used to p1ss money up the wall like your son and never quite have enough to give my mum the (paltry) rent I owed her.

My problem was drink but drinkers do not have the monopoly on this sort of behaviour.

Tortington · 17/12/2008 01:03

but are you taking ang advice from here?

cory · 17/12/2008 07:59

I would do exactly what Custardo says.

Be sweet and gentle, give him a date, tell him you love him but he must leave and spell it out to him that if he ever threatens you again you will call the police. And this you must follow through.

He is 233, he is plenty old enough to manage his own life. You are not doing him a kindness with letting him get away with bulluying and death threats. Other people are not going to be as tolerant as yourself.

piscesmoon · 17/12/2008 08:10

I think that you have had very good advice on here, kormaisforlifenotjustchristmas, has been very helpful throughout.
I would go with custardo and cory-but you have to mean it. You have to be cruel to be kind-he is old enough to make his own way. Give him the support but be clear that he has make his own way. The only way to deal with bullies is to stand up to them.

gracie101 · 17/12/2008 08:12

Try to get Christmas over and done with. He'll possibly be busy with parties and friends anyway.

In January, ask him to leave. Get some back up while you do it from your brother if need be.

If he smashes things up and threatens to kill you when you inform him of it, well make sure he gets an EARLY EVICTION via the police.

Be calm, be poker faced and detached. All this crying and hand-ringing and asking for your little boy back hasn't worked. He's not a little boy, he's 23.

The reason he's being like this at your house is because he's getting away with it. He won't when he's living on a sofa or sharing a flat.

When he's grown up, he can have his mummy back. Until then, you need some time to rebuild you and your little girl's life. xxx

theressomethingaboutmarie · 17/12/2008 08:57

I really feel for your poor daughter having to live through this. What an awful idea of men this young girl is getting (she's at a very impressionable age). It is your daughter I feel most sorry for, what kind of life does she have if she has to a)clean up after her brother (what is she, a slave?) and b) can't even have any friends over for fear of them being verbally abused?

pagwatch · 17/12/2008 11:02

You are being given some very good advice on here but I am not sure you are listening to it.

It doesn't really matter what he says when you tell him you will phone the police - saying "I will kick their ass" just makes him sound incredibly childish tbh.

Do what custy says. Tell him he has a month or six weeks or whatever you think is reasonable. Offer him reasonable help to set up on his own but make it clear there are no arguements - you are the parent and you have decided.

My son is bigger than me. He does EXACTLY as he is told . His size has nothing to do with it. He is bullying you because you let hoim get away with it.

Were he my son I would have loved him enough to have made him leave and stand on his own two feet by now.

I hope you find the strength to help him and protect your daughter.... - and any woman he may form a relationship with in the future after all he has learnt to date about how to respect others.

StephanieByng · 17/12/2008 11:32

so much good advice from custardo and pag and others.

Agree with pag that your love for him now needs to take the form of making him take the next step to become a grown up. You help him do that by not allowing him any more to act like an angry 12 year old.

It's the harder path but it's the one that will help him most and show him that you really do care.

you've obviously stopped communicating a long time ago otherwise he wouldn't be so angry. I don't blame you for that; teenage boys are very hard to communicate with specially when they are from a split family and have had no fatherly in put. But I think your stopping him now, from going on the same way, WILL be perceived as you actually caring enough to do something about it.

eggnoggins · 17/12/2008 11:55

I haven't read your whole thread. But you mentioned that you've thought of calling in your brothers. Do it!!!
He needs limits set by men. If you can arrange a get together with your brothers to meet with him - with the express purpose of making him a 'proper' man. A men only day.
He's got all this testosterone and no one to show him how to use it positively. It will make a world of difference if contact with him and his uncles is ongoing.
Is this possible. He sounds very confused, and so sad that you and your daughter are the brunt of this confusion.

morningpaper · 17/12/2008 12:00

I would do what Custardo says

In fact when my children turn 13 I will not make a single decision without checking it with Custardo first

dittany · 17/12/2008 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

biscuitchucker · 17/12/2008 20:29

I am really sorry about the hard time you and your daughter are having.

My brother wasn't abusive but would not move out of my parents home at about the same age. In fact, he moved his wife in. Things reached meltdown one Christnas - they paid no rent and didn't help out round the house.

There was no discussion about the way they were at my parents house,or about them staying, just a firm shove towards going it alone. My Grandma went round letting agencies looking at flats and my dad helped with the deposit. They didn't really have much of a choice, and were resentful for quite a time that the family had "ganged up on them". But my mum had been through a lot and just couldn't cope anymore.

Five years later, my brother loves his own flat (wife is now ex-wife), is great company and it has been the making of him.

Lots of people have given great advice on this thread. You do need to do something. My mum let the situation go on far too long, to everyone's detriment. I do think singledad's advice to get your brothers to be there is good. You do need to stick to a moving date if you are going to give one. Is there any chance one of your brothers could stay with you during his "notice period"?

Good luck x

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