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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be outraged that dp doesnt feel bf is a good thing?

70 replies

xcited4xmas · 16/12/2008 23:15

me and dp are expecting in august 09 and we have been discussing breastfeeding tonight. I told him it's something i feel very strongly about and will be doing as i did with ds untill hes was 13 mos old. I was on my own with ds so all the decisions were down to me but now things are different as i am in a relationship. But dp has said to me that he prefers bottle feeding and he would feel uncomfortable with me bf in public. We are not living together and not sure if we will be by the time baby is here and if not he will be having the baby some nights (at weekends) he sais he wants to bottlefeed if this happens but i really dont want the baby being bottle fed at all. I have offered a comprimise of breastfeeding only for 6 months or so for all the health benefits but im scared that he might not agree even after thinking it through. Breastfeeding is something i feel very strongly about for many reasons. The health benefits, the bonding and the feeling of security for the baby. Please anyone help with similar experiences ect?

OP posts:
ByThePowerOfBaileys · 16/12/2008 23:18

Sorry but on this one your opinion over rules his.. you are growing the baby and MUST have the last say on how you wish to nurture the baby (I would be saying the same thing if you were determined not to breastfeed) He has an opinion of course but the final decision has to be yours.
sorry that you are having to have these discussions.

pooka · 16/12/2008 23:20

Did he give any reasons (aside from bottles for overnight stays) why he prefers bottlefeeding?

I wouldn't personally make any promises about when you'll stop - because what if at 6 months you aren't ready? Could you discuss expressing, and how he might still be able to give bottle of EBM once feeding is established?

SDorry no other advice - I would have found it really hard to be reasonable and not shrill if DH had suggested that I bottlefeed.

dizzyjingles · 16/12/2008 23:20

maybe he just doesn't know enough about it yet if he wasn't with you when you had your DS?

can you sell it to him by telling him he won't need to be overly involved with night feeds as you'll be doing it all in the beginning and could express milk for when he has the baby?

congrats on your pregnancy btw, I hope you manage to get this sorted out

lisad123 · 16/12/2008 23:23

I would ask why he feels he want Bottles rather than breast. I heard the same from another mum this week, but his reason was "my other 2 were bottle fed and it didnt do them any harm"
maybe he feels he wont be able to bond with baby if s/he is breast feed.

CarminaBanana · 16/12/2008 23:23

Why won't you be living together?
If he isn't going to be around, then surely the major parenting decisions should be made by the main carer?
Maybe your midwife could provide him with some information re breastfeeding.
Is he ill-informed or controlling?

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 16/12/2008 23:25

Men are freaked out by boobs being soemthing other than their own pleasure.

Is this his first? Does he need time to get used to the whole idea? Still early days. he'll come round. And if he doesn't, your decision on this is paramount. It really is up to you.

cwtchy · 16/12/2008 23:25

Is your dp aware of all the benefits of breastfeeding? I think a lot of people still think bottle feeding is just as good. Perhaps you could find a list of the advantages and show him, that would help him to understand maybe. Try the Kellymom website.

If he still just doesn't fancy it, then sorry but I would just tell him that the baby comes first and you have to do what you think is right. It's a shame you have to battle over something so important though.

Original poster
xcited4xmas · 16/12/2008 23:26

he sais that he just prefers bottlefeeding as it "gives the baby all the nutrition it needs" i dont think he understands fully the benefits although i have explained to him its given ds a very strong immune system as he barely gets ill at all and i have also told him that i personally believe it leads to much happier babys. I am hoping that after visitng the midwife and having her tell him that he may agree slightly more? I have also suggesting expressing breast milk to leve with him but he doesnt seem too sure and when expressing with ds i never seemed to be able to produce allot that way.

OP posts:
sticksantaupyourchimney · 16/12/2008 23:28

Just say 'Whatever, dear' and ignore him. It's not up to him. He can't force you or order you to bottlefeed if you don't want to (and if he thinks he can use force or bullying tactics then dump him right now.)

PeachyBidsYouNadoligLlawen · 16/12/2008 23:30

approach it from a male angle
get a book / printouts (kelymom website) that explains, pref with max use of terminology, how it works; why it works; and gives technical looking research to back it up

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 16/12/2008 23:30

You've got a long time to go until August. This isn't soemthing you need to agree to now. You've got plenty of time to convince him on the error of his ways. And you are right you know.

Bienchen · 16/12/2008 23:32

I'm with Mary on this one. You are at the start of the pregnancy, there's a long way to go and he has plenty of time to get used to the idea of BF.

It's what breasts are for

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 16/12/2008 23:33

Congratulations by the way. I don't know about being excited for christmas, i'd be excited re new baby

gingerteam · 16/12/2008 23:59

okay my experience, for what it's worth! Hubby and I were first time parents to a gorgeous boy I wanted to breastfeed and suffered cracked nipples and mastitis without complaint to do so. Hubby was supportive but 2 weeks in decided (possibly understandably) that he was not getting as much baby time he pushed and pushed to introduce random (ie when he felt like it) bottles and wasn't fussy if it were expressed or formula milk. I expressed with varying sucess but my baby (OK our)baby hated it end reult after a few weeks he lost interest and baby fed till 15months also with no intrusion from hubby with baby DS2 or DD1. The moral of the story say ok we as responsible parents will try mixed feeding and see how it goes of course its a bit of a gamble but to my knowledge few babies with a choice have chosen the cold hard rubber of a bottle. Good luck.

jellybeans · 17/12/2008 00:06

I would be mad too. He is putting his needs before his baby's. This is a good site here

Original poster
xcited4xmas · 17/12/2008 10:17

ok well if i was to say we'd give mixed feeding a try (which im really not sure i want to) then what if my milk supply starts to dry up? isn't it a supply and demand thing? i know it was with ds, i also suffered with an extremely bad case of cracked nipples when establishing with ds but its something i felt so strongly about that i just pushed through it anyway. god why do some men have to be so close minded about things sometimes

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 17/12/2008 10:21

You have many months ahead of you to educate your DP about the benefits of breastfeeding . Buy lots of books and make sure you hang out with breasfeeding friends. He'll come round if you give him the information by the drip-feed method . Don't be aggressive or try to overrule his anti-breastfeeding feelings - just change them...

TheFalconInThePearTree · 17/12/2008 10:21

Don't do mixed feeding if you don't want to, bf for a year or more if you like, it's better for the baby.

This is one issue on which I think it's really only the mother's wishes that matter.

Bluestocking · 17/12/2008 10:22

Don't let him upset you, you know that breastfeeding is the right thing to do. I think that the "yes dear" route is probably the one to use while you are pregnant. Can I ask why you aren't living together at the moment?

MerryMadMarg · 17/12/2008 10:23

Gingerteam - sadly my baby, when faced with the choice, did choose the cold hard rubber of a bottle. When faced with this option he self weaned within a few days and refused to take the breast again.

  • But that's because of problems with breast feeding that left him in a lot of pain.
Coldtits · 17/12/2008 10:25

Bluntly...

He doesn't have to agree.

If he's not even going to be living with you, he has NO right to override your decision to do the best thing, and make you choose a less appropriate feeding method.

Coldtits · 17/12/2008 10:27

He also has not RIGHT to overnight visitation if the baby is under one, so he can't force it that way either.

edam · 17/12/2008 10:27

He doesn't need to agree - they are your breasts! This is one area where men need to keep their opinions to themselves. Appalling that a father is unable to put his child first.

Hopefully when your baby is born dp will realise what an idiot he would be to deny baby the perfect nourishment and comfort for him.

I wouldn't let a tiny baby be away from you overnight, either. They need their mummies at this age - they are too little to even begin to understand that you will come back.

Fleurlechaunte · 17/12/2008 10:29

I don't think that how you feed your child is any of his business quite frankly. To me the choice to breastfeed is the mother and childs alone. If YOU want to do it it is not something that should be negotiated with the father.

singingtree · 17/12/2008 10:30

Gingerteam - My DS was given bottles of formula in hospital (long story). It was a real struggle to establish breastfeeding after that, so I would be very careful about mixing bottle and breast with a very small baby. Glad it worked out for you tho

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