to be outraged that dp doesnt feel bf is a good thing?

[xcited4xmas]

me and dp are expecting in august 09 and we have been discussing breastfeeding tonight. I told him it's something i feel very strongly about and will be doing as i did with ds untill hes was 13 mos old. I was on my own with ds so all the decisions were down to me but now things are different as i am in a relationship. But dp has said to me that he prefers bottle feeding and he would feel uncomfortable with me bf in public. We are not living together and not sure if we will be by the time baby is here and if not he will be having the baby some nights (at weekends) he sais he wants to bottlefeed if this happens but i really dont want the baby being bottle fed at all. I have offered a comprimise of breastfeeding only for 6 months or so for all the health benefits but im scared that he might not agree even after thinking it through. Breastfeeding is something i feel very strongly about for many reasons. The health benefits, the bonding and the feeling of security for the baby. Please anyone help with similar experiences ect?

we are not living together at the moment as we havn't been together a year yet, baby wasnt planned but its what we both want and are very happy about. i dont want to seperate from baby overnight too early either but if we aren't living together then i know he will want the baby some nights unless he stays just at the weekends im not sure anyway we may even be living together by then.

Okay, not sure if I'm missing something key to BF in which case, everyone feel free to shout me down... but he says he's not comfortable with it in public. That sort of sounds like his key objection. I'd be inclined to think that he might change his mind when it gets to that for a start but that you could reassure him in the meantime by agreeing that as much as possible, you'll bf in private? Lots of people are comfortable doing it publically and lots aren't IME.

What does he thinks breasts are for?

i know and yes its a long time away yet am only 6wks + 5 he is just one of those men that have an idea in there head and think they're right no matter what anyone else sais.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.
I would suggest getting him a good book on the joys of fatherhood...they are usually good at explaining the benefits of bf in terms a bloke can accept (ie your boobs wont be exposed for all to see publicly, they wont become a "no go" area for him and they wont lose their shape afterwards)He really needs to learn what is best for his son/daughter now if he is going to be a good father(and separating his child from its mother even for a night is not best for the baby)...
If he wants to do feeding, let him try bottles of ebm (good luck on that one, my ds took one bottle a night off Daddy for 7 weeks but then point blank refused anything but draught)... and certainly encourage him stay at weekends if you are not living together by then but you are most definately doing the right thing and yanbu to be shocked at his attitude.

why does he have to have the baby 'some nights' without you? why does he not just stay with you for those nights??

why would you be outraged about your dp having an opinion on child rearing? surely it's better that he is actively thinking about it and wants to be involved.

"you are growing the baby and MUST have the last say on how you wish to nurture the baby (I would be saying the same thing if you were determined not to breastfeed) He has an opinion of course but the final decision has to be yours."

while in reality this is ultimately true as he can hardly stop you from bf'ing, i wouldn't put it so bluntly to him as it could lead to alienation and resentment. it is after all his child just as much as it is yours. how would you feel if he started trying to bottle feed the child any time you left him alone with them on the basis of when it is in his care he is the decision maker?
surely the way to resolve this is reasoned discussion and compromise on both of your parts regarding when to start using a bottle etc.

Six weeks is VERY early, I think there's lots of time for discussion and for dp to get his head out of his arse and realise he will need to put the baby first.

Over the next eight months, get him some literature on b/f so he realises how important it is (where the mother wants to and is able to - the latter applies to almost everyone).

Even if you're not living together you don't have to leave baby over night do you? Can't you just insist he comes and stays with you / you with him.

I'd be inclined to (at a push) offer him a bottle of ebm to use (once milk supply is established) so he gets the opportunity to feed the baby if that's what he wants. But he does realise that there are many elements of baby rearing other than feeding doesn't he. He could get involved in so many ways that would be of enormous help.

Agree with ginger, overnight stays may sound fine before you actually have a baby and know what's involved and how much they NEED their primary carer. But actually they are not a good idea for small babies.

He just sounds as if he doesn't really know the first thing about b/f, how important it is where possible and how it works. Plenty of time for him to learn. But essentially b/f is YOUR decision, not his.

I think it's best not to let this become a big issue and cloud the pleasure of your early pregnancy. There is a long time to work on his issues with public feeding. Hopefully the exposure to other pregnant couples at ante natal classes etc will help relax his opinions when he realises how so many people regard breastfeeding as "normal".
Mixed feeding doesn't work for everyone but to suggest it as a compromise shows you are willing to bend your views which sound as strong as his and hopefully break what could become a deadlock.

Do you know what I wouldn't even enter into a discussion about this. I would say "I will do what is best for me and my baby when the time comes and thats the end of the matter!". As for "working on his issues with public feeding" Tough farkin cheddar if he has issues with it! I would spend no time whatsover reassuring him with talk of private feeding. I would say "My baby will feed when he/she is hungry, no matter where we are or what we are doing". Start as you mean to go on. It seems to me that if he is trying to get involved in something as fundamental as a woman breastfeeding her child then he has some serious control issues.

Dump some literature on him and then tell him to pipe down if he mentions it again. He sounds like a controlling knob tbh.

agree with gingerteam - no need to focus on this issue just yet.

you should both join nct which usually gives you a breastfeeding class which dads are encouraged to attend in addition to the antenatal class. although you are a second time parent so probably don't need to do an antenatal course, it would be useful for your DP to attend these classes. they also have a good leaflet on the benefits of breastfeeding. i think the classes really helped educate my DH around breastfeeding and he's always been supportive. still bf at nearly 9mo

The thing is it is his baby too and his opinions are as valid as anyone else. xcited4xmas obviously wants his support in the decisions regarding their baby. I don't think he sounds controlling just perhaps a bit niave and uneducated in the wonders of breastmilk but as I say there is plenty time to work on that.

Don't even try and compromise. I agree with others-don't discuss it. Just fail to buy any bottles etc and start breast feeding.

I know it is his baby too but I think breastfeeding is the mother and childs choice. It is not something he can do is it? Just like birth choices. They can be discussed but ultimately the mother has the last word. Compromise on this would involved mixed feeding and while I don't want to make this into a Breast Feeding v Formula Feeding debate, mixed feeding will often lead to breast feeding failing and the only person losing out is the baby. I don't think there can be a compromise on this.

I don't think his opinion is as valid actually. If he was saying the baby had to be weaned at 4m, he would also be wrong and it would also not be his choice given that he will not be the primary carer or even living with the child.

My DH hated me breastfeeding in public ,i remember a particularly horrendous occasion when DD was 3 months old and he couldnt cope with the idea of me feeding in a museum and insisted on driving us straight home in snow ,which took 45 minutes whilst DD screamed herself nearly blue . It was after this that i explained what a total fuckwit he was being about it all ,and if i had to sit on the floor in marks and spencers on a busy saturday to feed DD i would ,i continued to feed her until she was 13 months . I agree with others though dont make a big song and dance about it at this stage ,just be very vague with your answers and go your own merry way when baby is born.

Since when do men make decisions about breastfeeding?

tengreenbottles . I was about to post my outrage on that but then I remembered how unsure I was when I was bf ds (pfb) and how dh pulled a face when I chose a dark corner in Harvester because I wanted to bf if ds woke up. I spent the rest of the meal praying that ds wouldnt wake wouldn't because dh might be pissed off. Looking back I can't believe I was like that now.

Mixed feeding is not as straightforward as it may sound to a non-parent. It is not a 'compromise' between bf and bottle feeding. And it is certainly not something that should be done to placate a man who can't put the needs of his baby ahead of his own prejudices.

The evidence for the health benefits of b/f (I know some people say it should be 'health risks of bottle feeding') is based on exclusive b/f to at least six months. Starting mixed feeding too soon can affect milk supply so you end up entirely on bottles. It can work for some mothers and babies but should be a free and informed choice, not something done because the father doesn't know the first thing about b/f.

If after 34 weeks of being involved in a developing pregnancy and allowing himself to be educated about the benefits of breast milk he still holds exactly the same view and refuses to compromise then it may be time for xcited4xmas to make her decision for herself and the baby. I may be way off the mark but I suspect this is as much about the develpoment of what seems to be a fairly fledgling relationship?

I think to be fair that there is no need to have a row about it with a bloke who is probably still getting his head round the fact that he's unexpectedly going to be a daddy. That's why I said to take the 'yes-dear-and-ignore' approach. Right now it doesn't matter that he's daft and ill-informed and probably saying some rather stupid things about BF if he is being nice and supportive and sensible about all other aspects of the pregnancy.

THis is not to say at all that X4X should be prepared to compromise her own wellbeing, the baby's wellbeing, or her choices, just to placate The Man. Just that it's not worth rowing about it all through the pregnancy when she's going to be able to do what she wants anyway - if he doesn;t live with you he is in no position at all to start ordering you about - and if he is the type to actually give you orders then at least you know already and can pretty much dump him and keep him at a distance.