DD being let down - to think this is slightly selfish, or maybe I'm too soft?

[WestEndLetdown]

Have name-changed for this although I am a regular reader and poster. I'd just like to seek people's opinion on this situation as my DH feels we should just 'let it go'.

My DD, 12, has been invited to see a West End show over Xmas with her best friend and her family. We have paid for DD's ticket, btw.

Last night I received a phone call from the mother to say that for some reason, which she didn't really explain properly, she hasn't ordered enough tickets and now my DD might not be able to go unless she can secure an extra ticket (which looks unlikely). She does have enough tickets for all her own family to go though. Also, it was only when I rang back to clarify a few unclear details that the mother actually offered any form of apology.

I've explained this to my DD who is understandably very disappointed.

Both my DH and I feel that, in this situation, one of us would stand down in order not to disappoint someone else's child.

Am I expecting too much?

I should add that we do an awful lot for this girl including her coming to Centerparcs with us last year and various other treats and days out. We have already asked her to come away with us again next year, but I really don't want her to come now, even though it is clearly not the poor child's fault. WWYD?

I would be inclined to say: "oh that's a shame you hadn't ordered enough tickets. Never mind, just let us have dd's ticket (you have paid for it after all), and we'll book tickets for us as a family instead."

They have essentially uninvited your dd, which is of course fine, but as you've paid you still have a right to the ticket, so I would be inclined to ask for it. And sod them. If they haven't ordered enough tickets it's their issue not your dd's.

My Dh would gladly stand down and let me take a gaggle of kids to a show on my own, in fact I'd probably struggle to convince him to come in the first place...

I reckon a cousin or another friend whose mother the BF's mum is more pally with has snaffled your DD's place. Sorry but some people are like that.

You paid. Were you told you had a ticket, if she'd have given it to you you'd have it in your hand so she wouldn't be able to take it away then.

Personally it sounds to me as if they booked, a family member decided they wanted to come too so they're saying they haven't got enough tickets for your dd. If you were told you had a ticket it's not their ticket to do that with. However if they told you immediately after booking that they hadn't got enough I'd have a bit of sympathy but if they told you they'd booked for your dd then they are in the wrong.

Either way we'd do what you would,one of us would miss out, I'd never let a child down like that,not exactly Xmas spirit is it.

Why not go with her and go to the ticket stops in Leicester square try and get tickets for you both if you can't go and see another show. The ticket stops open up at 10am and do half price tickets for west end shows.

YANBU

Did she maybe already have the tickets for her family and a day or so later invite your dd then realise she couldnt get an extra ticket? My dds are always inviting friends to concerts etc and its a nightmare trying to explain tickets all sold out that day etc.
Please dont fall out with the little girl over it,she is probably upset already that her BF cant come

Just to clarify a few points but I obviously need to be careful about giving too much detail.

The offer was made to my DD in the middle of last week to which we said, yes please. By Friday, DD had given the money to her friend. The tickets were purchased by someone else (on Friday I think) who has a connection with the show and who got the discounted tickets. On Monday evening I had a call from DD's friend's mother who said 'thanks for the ticket money but we may not be able to take your DD, etc, etc' No apology made, in fact, I got the impression she was trying to say that she had only JUST received the money. When I had mulled things over, I called back and said 'you DID get the acceptance and money last week didn't you?' At which point she admitted it was her fault.

As someone has said, how hard is it calculate the number required (we are talking should be 6 instead of 5 tickets here). I think the mix up is between the girl's mother and the other person and neither of them is particulary willing to take the blame.

The reason I am so upset is because there was not a great deal of remorse shown, as someone else said, I would be mortified, and it would be a No Brainer for me that one of the adults would step down. Btw, their other kids are older teenagers.

I will probably say something to make her feel bad but not sure what yet.

Thanks for all your supportive comments, I will update as soon as there is any news.

To also add, I won't fall out with DD's friend who is a lovely and amiable girl and with whom my DD has been best friends for years. In fact, I told DD not to mention it at school today because it's not her fault obviously.

I also take on board the very sound advice about scaling down the amount of freebies and invitations to this girl in future!

I think re future invitations - go ahead and invite your dd's friend if you want and your daughter wants - just be aware that they aren't as generous and considerate as you are!

Oh, that's a real shame, poor dd. I do think the other mother has handled this very badly. But not much you can do about it beyond getting your money back and being VERY careful about any future arrangements you make with this girl's mum.

Why don´´t you or your DP not go, so one of you can go with your DD? problem solved.

It was nice of her to get the tickets. A bit silly she made a mistake. A shame she decided you would be the one to get a ticket less, instead of not going herself.

But I also must say that you sounds as if you feel you are really owed by these people. That attitude is not very nice either.

I or my partner would have stood down (I may have got him to acompany us to the theatre and then go off to do his own thing for a few hours) if that had happened.

It sounds like a mix up all round. Perhapa next time make sure you buy the ticket yourself if possible. If they were discounted tickets (Production guests?), there may not have been many going in the first place hence the shortage and confusion over admitting it.

To be honest I think I would be wondering why they didn't offer to pay for your dd as well if you have taken their child to Centerparcs and for other treats (depends on what financial arrangements you had I suppose).

I wouldn't expect it, and I would always intend and offer to pay, but it does make me wonder why they didn't offer ...

It just seems a complete mix up to me; if a family friend was offering to get discounted tickets they probably were not expecting extras and the mother is now embarrassed to have offered something that it wasn't in her power to get.For wannaBe to say just ask for her ticket is silly, the whole point is that she didn't get a ticket. I could take someone's money now to go to a show, it doesn't mean that I can get tickets-I might have to say 'sorry they are fully booked'. I would expect the other person to know that I can't do magic and would not expect them to say 'BUT you had my money I want the ticket'!! I wouldn't even mention the money because I would assume that they would know I would give it back next time I saw them. This mum hasn't had time to physically return the money. It is all a mountain out of a molehill IMO. If you want the friendship to continue, I would leave it.

Counting.... to try and answer your post, they just aren't the sort of people who treat other people's kids, iyswim. I've known them long enough to know that. When it comes to all things financial, charity firmly begins at home. Re Centerparcs, we didn't ask for a donation, nor did they offer (we wouldn't have taken anything anyway!).

On the other hand, they are very good in other ways, eg, they would help out in an emergency which I guess is more important at the end of the day.

"I should add that we do an awful lot for this girl including her coming to Centerparcs with us last year and various other treats and days out. We have already asked her to come away with us again next year, but I really don't want her to come now, even though it is clearly not the poor child's fault."

Bleugh - why then do you not want her to come next year, other than it being tit for tat?

And why do you feel the need to say something to make the other mother feel bad?

You sound like a right horror, yourself TBH.

IMO!

It boils down to 2 things

1. You like the girl and want the friendship to continue.
2. You have had enough and don't care whether she is a friend or not.

If it is no.1 you get your money back and let it go.
If it is no2 you make a fuss about it.

(Getting the money back is no problem because it was for a ticket she failed to buy-even the most thick skinned woman couldn't use it it for a ticket for someone else.)

Have you checked that it is a sell out? Or are the tickets really expensive now?

I think its rude of her to not be more apologetic about it. However I think/hope it was a genuine mistake nand whilst it is disappointing for your DD, it is not worth risking a friendship (between the children) over.

If I were her, I would feel terrible. I would also be offering to pay any additional fee between what you paid and what a ticket now costs.

I would let it go but bear in mind what their priorities are and act accordingly in the future

mmm that's a tricky one then WestEnd ...

It's great to have friends who would help out in an emergency (and as you say, that is not a small thing!!) but not so great if they do not reciprocate financially (I do loathe meanness ...)

... but I suppose all of us have our downsides ...

Oh, too difficult to call ...

sorry for your dd though and I agree that it's rude that she wasn't more apologetic ...

Hope you asked for your money back? (havent read all the pages btw)

It's all very well some of you saying that you loathe meanness, but mabye this other girl's family are not very well off? If they don't have much money, then you really can't expect them to reciprocate financially when YOU offer to take her DD away to Centerparcs. Mind you, we are not well off, and if DS's friend's family invited him to Centerparcs I would say "I'm sorry we just can't afford to pay for him to come at the moment." If the other family then said "don't worry we're happy to pay" I would take them at their word, accept their offer with gratitude, but assume that they'd understand that due to our financial situation we wouldn't be able to reciprocate.

As for the ticket fiasco.....it all sounds a bit last minute and just a bit of a cock-up to be honest. I wonder if the girl's mum told her "we might be able to get some cheap tickets to X show, so ask your friend if she wants to come." You've sent in the money, the friend's mum has then got back to the person who has connections to the show and asked for X amount of tickets, to which the show person has said "Sorry, I've only been allocated so many discounted tickets."

My BIL is in a band and usually gets a number of cheap tickets, but it's all done last minute (and so number he gets varies depending on how much is sold in advance in first place), and given out at the door to the family and friends that get there first. If you get ther after they've gone, you end up paying full price. Maybe it's all just a similar thing, and your DD's friend's mum is embarrassed to say that she is one discounted ticket short, and doesn't want to ask you to stump up shortfall, and can't afford to pay shortfall for one of the tickets herself?

I dunno.......because it's discounted tickets, arranged last minute, I can see how this might have happened....

doesn't make it any less disappointing for your DD though. Feel very sorry for her.

Thank you for all your kind advice and comments even if some may not be what I to hear.....

Re the financial situation of the family, I can't comment specifically, but they are not hard up.

Re the possibility of the ticket cock-up, why wasn't she just up-front about it then? Although I think that scenario is possible, but unlikely, but again I appreciate you giving a different angle on it.

Yes, I will get the money back! Thanks for asking.

Not quite sure how they didnt manage to order enough tickets?

I recently ordered some panto tickets and had a real hard time trying to get seats so we could all sit together.

Curly haired assassin - I made the point about loathing meanness - and I stand by it but I didn't mean to give the impression that it's all about finances or largess.

Of course if one family is well off and another isn't - and they both understand where they are at - there is no problem.

But I was trying to make a point about reciprocality/an attitude of mind/a certain generosity of spirit

judging from WestEnd's earlier comment

"Btw, it's not the first time this family have taken a 'look after Number One' type stance. The parents are nice enough people, but are quite happy to take and not really give much back, iyswim."

combined with the mother's lack of apology - it doesn't sound as if they are over-flowing with concern for others

To give an example (not about money but in this case, time). We look after a friend of dd's after school quite a bit and are happy to do so. Her parents are unable to reciprocate in the same way because they are out working in the evenings but they do what they can - ie take the dds out of school for lunch for a treat (we live abroad where this is the norm). Plus when I invite their child, she always turns up with some craft materials or a game that her mother has slipped in to her bag to make the play-date a bit more enjoyable - and it's that sort of thoughtfulness that is really appreciated.
And then they offer to take dd out on the occasional Sunday. So in the end, it all balances out ...

Not saying that it should even balance out exactly either (hate all that tit for tat stuff) but just trying to express (rather badly!) that it's about trying as hard as you can to reciprocate in different ways.

I'm pleased to say that DD's friend has now told her, at school today, that she can definitely go to the show. No other details were given as to the change of heart or the ticketing arrangements.

Whilst this is fantastic news for DD, who is really chuffed, I have absolutely no idea why the mum didn't say this to me during two telephone conversations yesterday, only that DD would be the one who wouldn't be able to go.

Eeeek, perhaps she has been reading Mumsnet! Oh well, who knows.

I'm pleased it has turned out well as I'm not sure that I wanted, or would've been able, to say anything. Really appreciate the honest and supportive opinions on here.

PS Counting..., thanks for your last post, I agree completely and know what you are saying. Like you say, it's not about tit for tat, for me it was more about feeling a bit used, once too often.