Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4

AIBU?

DD being let down - to think this is slightly selfish, or maybe I'm too soft?

86 replies

WestEndLetdown · 16/12/2008 10:21

Have name-changed for this although I am a regular reader and poster. I'd just like to seek people's opinion on this situation as my DH feels we should just 'let it go'.

My DD, 12, has been invited to see a West End show over Xmas with her best friend and her family. We have paid for DD's ticket, btw.

Last night I received a phone call from the mother to say that for some reason, which she didn't really explain properly, she hasn't ordered enough tickets and now my DD might not be able to go unless she can secure an extra ticket (which looks unlikely). She does have enough tickets for all her own family to go though. Also, it was only when I rang back to clarify a few unclear details that the mother actually offered any form of apology.

I've explained this to my DD who is understandably very disappointed.

Both my DH and I feel that, in this situation, one of us would stand down in order not to disappoint someone else's child.

Am I expecting too much?

I should add that we do an awful lot for this girl including her coming to Centerparcs with us last year and various other treats and days out. We have already asked her to come away with us again next year, but I really don't want her to come now, even though it is clearly not the poor child's fault. WWYD?

OP posts:

Report

StephanieByng · 16/12/2008 11:15

Well sometimes you can't trust friends, can you? As in the reality of this situation!

Of course they should get the money back, I'm not saying they let the money go.

What would you DO then sandy?

sandcastles · 16/12/2008 11:16

The fact that there was no mention of a refund, or no mention of a 'I'll make it up to your dd, we'll take her to XYZ' really doesn't sit well with me!

She didn't even offer an apology until the OP rang back! It astounds me that people can be so selfish!

sb6699 · 16/12/2008 11:17

Agree with Purpleduck - mention to the mother how upset your dd is and see if her conscience sorts it out.

It does seem as if they've decided to take someone else instead as I can't fathom how they could make such a mistake when ordering the tickets esp. if they've taken your money. YANBU to be if that's the case!

It's very rude but not sure what else you could do that wouldn't infringe on dd's friendship with the girl.

piscesmoon · 16/12/2008 11:18

I don't expect she mentioned the refund because it is obvious she would get it back-she never used it to buy a ticket!

StephanieByng · 16/12/2008 11:18

True, it was done really weirdly. I just don't think the OP can do anything to get her DD actually on this trip now.

Westend let us know if you get the money back!!!

floaty · 16/12/2008 11:19

But this is a West end show ,the tickets are v expensive and would have to had been booked some time ago.Is she proposing to refund your money ,I don't see why you should pay for someone else to go,also strictly if you have paid for the ticket then she should be asking you if you would mind selling it back to her,she cannot just appropriate it for her own use.Obviousl you are not going to help by taking an aggressive line ,but I would be quite upset about this ,we are not just talking about a little theatre trip and normally I am quite laid back about things

piscesmoon · 16/12/2008 11:21

You are all being really harsh. It is Christmas-people are up to their eyes in things. Possibly the mother asked her partner to book, assuming he knew it was one extra, and he either forgot or didn't know. There are lots of possible reasons-it isn't worth getting upset about. It is disappointing for DD, but she will come across worse disappointments in life.

thegreatescape · 16/12/2008 11:22

Agree with floaty. Even if this woman hasn't physically given you the ticket, you still paid for it and it was bought for your DD. Totally different if the family were paying for your DD as a treat.

Is it possible for you to get tickets for your family, even on a different day?

piscesmoon · 16/12/2008 11:25

The whole problem is that she failed to buy the ticket for the DD therefore she still has the money-she is bound to get it back-I would just ring her up and arrange a time to collect it-keep it casual and just say something like ' I am passing your house this evening-is it a good time to collect my ticket money?'

hippipotami · 16/12/2008 11:28

I think something has happened. If you have taken their dd on holiday etc, then them now letting your dd down is not due to forgetting to buy a ticket.
Also the fact the mother was vague on teh phone and did not offer an apology initially makes me think her mind is elsewhere.
Perhaps they have had some bad news as a family adn are muddling through as best they can, and perhaps taking your dd to the show is one extra stress they just cannot cope with.
Either way OP, you need more information and clarification as to why they have held onto your money for so long if they never actually bought a ticket with it!

sandcastles · 16/12/2008 11:29

piscesmoon, why make so many excuses?

We went to the West End for a theatre trip for xmas with work & the tickets were booked in Oct! I just don't buy this 'up to her eyes with stuff' excuse!

But I am obviously in a minority, because well by the time you are 12 you should be learning about disappointment, I guess! I could understand more if she were a guest going free, but she isn't she is a paying guest!

gagamama · 16/12/2008 11:31

I think it would be easier to order the wrong number of tickets than people are making out. Especially if you do it online - pick a number from a drop-down list, accidentally touch the scroll button on your mouse, and hey presto, wrong number of tickets ordered! Plus, IME, online ticket vendors are extremely, extremely flakey.

I think I would do the same thing, to be honest, especially if getting to the theatre involves using public transport. If I had the choice of taking, say, 4 children with one supervising adult, or 3 children with 2 supervising adults, I would definitely go for the latter. Of course, 12 is old enough to take some sort of responsibility, but surely it's also old enough to handle disappointment?

sandcastles · 16/12/2008 11:33

OP didn't say that they hadn't got a ticket for her DD, just not enough ticket to enable her DD to go! The OP has paid, therefore she is assuming a ticket has been purchased!

OP may have paid for the ticket months ago, tickets brought & all of a sudden the mum realises she needs 1 more...easier to disappoint the friend than a member of her own family obviously!

We need the OP to come back & clarify a few points I guess.

piscesmoon · 16/12/2008 11:35

I am making excuses to show it is easy to do.
No one knows why the mistake was made, but the DD isn't going, so there is no point in making a big deal about it.

spicemonster · 16/12/2008 11:37

If I cocked up and said I'd get a ticket for my DD's friend, her parents paid me for it and then found I'd under-ordered, I'd be mortified! I certainly would be massively apologetic which is why I think there is More To This Than Meets The Eye.

WestEndLetdown · 16/12/2008 11:38

Wow! Thanks for the responses so far, I'll come back and give a few more thoughts when I've read them all. I really do appreciate you all taking time to reply.

Just to say, I will definitely get the money back, so don't worry about that. The reason I mentioned that WE had paid is because I knew the invitation didn't extend to them paying for the ticket as well (even though they are NOT full price tickets). And no, my DD and her friend have not fallen out or anything like that.

I also agree that in the whole scheme of things it's not that big a deal. I just felt that most normal parents would willingly stand down and was beginning to think maybe me and DH are too soft.

Btw, it's not the first time this family have taken a 'look after Number One' type stance. The parents are nice enough people, but are quite happy to take and not really give much back, iyswim.

OP posts:

beanieb · 16/12/2008 11:38

I think whether you are being unreasonable depends very much on how the whole thing was arranged and how the tickets were bought. Did they offer a 'spare' ticket which you paid for after they had already ordered? If so then I think it's fair enough that your DD be dropped of the list, though it must be disappointing.

If you and DD were included in teh planning from the start or ordered her own ticket then i think it's unfair.

Santaslittlehelpersmum · 16/12/2008 11:39

how horrid for your DD could you take her somewhere nice for the day instead?

WestEndLetdown · 16/12/2008 11:40

I also agree that there is prob more to this than meets the eye, eg, someone else has been prioritised over my DD and she has been bumped out of the party. If I find out that that IS the case, I will be seriously upset.

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 16/12/2008 11:41

It depends a lot on the age of the rest of the family, if I had done it I might not be keen on DH standing down as it would leave me in charge of everyone else.

sandcastles · 16/12/2008 11:42

Well in that case, WestEndLetdown I would be inclinded to start giving less too! If this isn't a first off then your dd is more then likely used to it, which still doesn't make it right!

Oh & next time they invite her I would make some kind of reference to your dd being let down & not wanting to risk disappointment once more!

MissisBoot · 16/12/2008 11:44

You're right that most parents would step down - but now you have a heads up that this is how this particular family behave so you can enter into any future arrangements with a clear understanding of how they operate.

It might be that if you agree to any future outings etc you do lots of 'friendly reminders' so that dd isn't let down again.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

sb6699 · 16/12/2008 11:44

As Hippipotami said, you could just come right out and ask why if they hadn't bought your ticket they held onto your money.

Don't think its being aggressive just letting them know you are not best pleased about the situ and you don't think it was "just a mistake".

Come back and let us know if you decide to approach her.

Btw, you're not soft, I would have asked an adult to stand down and taken an extra child if I was put in that situation.

elliott · 16/12/2008 11:46

Yep, I think it is one of these relationships where you have to start to protect yourself and recognise that, for whatever reason (which will be nothing to do with you!) you aren't going to be getting a great deal out of it.
I think it might be worth just probing a little more. I think they deserve to be feeling a little uncomfortable here!

hippipotami · 16/12/2008 11:49

No, you are not too soft. If it happened to us than dh or I would stand down, we would never ever bump off a friend already invited.

I think if this family are more takers than givers, and if it is the case that your dd was dropped in favour of someone else, then I would seriously throttle back on the amount of invitations extended to their dd.

Hope your dd is okay.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.