Ach, Habbs. I haven't read all the thread, very sorry if I am joining in a big woman stick.
In fairness I would find it as odd (which is to say, not that odd) if the man cooked for the woman - slightly suffocating. This does not - I repeat does NOT - refer to sending in leftovers. Or to academic institutions of any calibre whatsoever. Or to people whose name begins with H.
When I said 'secretly' I was acknowledging an element of shame to my confession. I agree that this constant criticism of all forms and expressions of femaleness - damned if you do, damned if you don't - is vile. However, two things:
Firstly, I would not wish to return to the early naivety of liberal feminism, where any perceived criticism of another woman was unsisterly. That might be patronizing and unproductive. In the big bake debate, some ideas will be squashed, but others will be sharpened, and things will move forward. If there is no self-censorship.
Secondly, whilst I absolutely applaud your plea for a default position which assumes that women are self-actualized and self-determining, I think it unrealistic to assume that most women are as un-swayed by social pressure as you are. This is palpably not the case.
I think, btw, that most Normal People are not in the slightest bit hmm about a woman baking a little treat for their partner, which is a lovely and loving thing to do.
It's surely the tacit pressure to do so on his behalf which makes some uncomfortable, since it implies his ownership of her labour. I think that since many of us have mothers who still habitually buckle under similar pressures, it is to be expected that many would find it hard to view such a transaction as a neutral one in terms of the power relations that it either expresses or recalls.
Having said all that wank, the truth is that were it to happen in my place of work I would think about it for a nanosecond and then move on to the next dreary task. Also I would wonder what a strange man was doing in my house.