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AIBU?

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Original poster

I have reported neighbours to Social Services. I feel weird

98 replies

changingid · 13/12/2008 09:30

I rang SS this morning to report my concerns about a local family. I know they are struggling but they won't accept help when it is offerred and they are isolating themselves. there are 4 children under 7, the mother leaves the younger 2 alone and I wasn't comfortable with that.

I feel terrible now. Catch 22 really, Damned if you do and damned if you don't IYKWIM. I feel a coward for not asking the family directly if they need a hand.

OP posts:
LiffeyCanSpellGeansaiNollaig · 13/12/2008 16:16

And.... I admitted that about four posts back. But it is extremely unlikely that her mother was working a half hour shift. And even if she were, are you saying that it's ok to leave your child for half an hour?

NOT sure what point you're trying to make, or if you have a point at all, beyond trying to argue that day is night.

You may remember that I did not take any course of action, despite definitely seeing an unatttended 2 yr old. I am 100% certain of that! So I did not judge, I did not rush to assume. I thought about things from the mother's perspective and weighed up what could have been a potentially worse situation for them, ie, no money.

Now, unless you 've got a reasonable sensible point to make, stop arguing.

Original poster
changingid · 13/12/2008 16:17

Mum a bit the worse for alcohol in the afternoon
Mum going to collect older kids from school without having the younger children with her
Family isolating themselves from their immediate community
Child crying but not disclosing why

Today I thought I heard the older girl leaving the main bedroom but the mother was not in but dad was,very creepy IMHO. Could be a perfectly plausable explanation and there probably is but.....

OP posts:
TheButterflyEffect · 13/12/2008 16:17

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TheButterflyEffect · 13/12/2008 16:19

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LiffeyCanSpellGeansaiNollaig · 13/12/2008 16:21

Butterfly, I was giving them the benefit of the doubt when I said she was 2! She was tiny! I agree, better than leaving the child at home alone.

Original poster
changingid · 13/12/2008 16:21

The Juule and Liffey debate is exactly why you umm and ahh about taking your concerns to someone who can help.

I've Ummed and ahhed for months and I still feel I've over reacted

OP posts:
juuule · 13/12/2008 16:22

Very true Butterfly. And as I've said Liffey didn't know that the girl would be there all day or whether she was waiting to be picked up.
In fact, all she has is a snapshot of half an hour that she has built all this stuff around.
Which might very well be correct but then again might not.
It sounds as though the staff were aware of the girl and they knew where her mum was if she was needed.
I wouldn't have thought it could be a regular thing as surely h&s regulations would not allow it.
But what do I know.

TheButterflyEffect · 13/12/2008 16:24

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juuule · 13/12/2008 16:24

Changingid - that's why I suggested getting advice from a hp or children's centre advisor as they would have more experience.

thenewme · 13/12/2008 16:24

Aren't your feelings more about the enormity of what you have done - it is a scary thing to do - than because you feel you have over reacted?

yama · 13/12/2008 16:26

Liffey - the I read it you didn't judge merely reported what you observed.

Of course snapshots of other people's lives can fill us with compassion.

LiffeyCanSpellGeansaiNollaig · 13/12/2008 16:26

Yes changingID, it's surprising that people who weren't even there will say things like "perhaps you just annoyed the shop girl when you asked where the child's mother was".

I had the benefit of being there and reading her facial expression.

If I'd weighed everything up and decided it was all probably grand then I wouldn't have thought to mention it at all!

But as an intelligent, compassionate, rational adult, I observed some things which weren't right.

Bizarre that people will come on and say, no you were probably wrong, even though I wasn't there, I think this is what you saw

yama · 13/12/2008 16:26

That should have been 'the way I read it ...'

Original poster
changingid · 13/12/2008 16:29

It's difficult to explain without making it very obvious who it is

The older DD is mid teens. The mum works nights at the weekend and from discussing concerns with a neighbour there is a feeling she may be keeping the bed warm IYKWIM.

This I feel is an over reaction, our house has an open bed policy and DS is often in with one or other parent, it was just creepy in the light of previous convos. I have not mentioned this to SS, just the other issues

OP posts:
TheButterflyEffect · 13/12/2008 16:32

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Original poster
changingid · 13/12/2008 16:32

I also mentioned this in a passing convo with DS's Head teacher yesterday and she suggested I contact SS as they can provide support rather that sanctions

OP posts:
SSSantaClausIzzzComing · 13/12/2008 16:33

You mentioned that the two youngest were left alone, which doesn't sound good and that the family want to keep to themselves and don't accept help which I think is up to them really.

The numerous occasions and things that you have observed and have disturbed you to the point you felt you had to report them didn't really come across that clearly to me in your posts; however I don't doubt it must have been quite dramatic for you to have felt the need to do this.

Tbh I'm not surprised you feel uneasy about it though. I'm afraid I agree with your dh although of course I do not know these people and don't know how extreme the situation is.

Hoep you made the right decision. Since you have down it, I suppose you will now just have to find your peace with it

Original poster
changingid · 13/12/2008 16:35

and yeah Newme the enormity of what I've done is scaring me.

OP posts:
whoingodsnameami · 13/12/2008 16:40

Yes, obsolutely you sis the right thing, dont beat yourself up, a few years back I reported my own sister to SS for the neglect of her dd, she did change her ways eventually.

Original poster
changingid · 13/12/2008 16:41

Thing is Santaclaus, have those people who had contact with BabyP, Victoria Climbie, etc etc finding their peace? I do feel I'd rather be over reacting than dismissing concerns

OP posts:
whoingodsnameami · 13/12/2008 16:41

did the right thing, even.

fossa · 13/12/2008 16:41

I was almost with you, OP, until the bit about it being "creepy" for the girl to have been in her parents' room while only dad was in.

Now I think you are as mad as a mongoose.

Let me know where you live, sweety, so I can be quite sure not to buy a house there.

fossa · 13/12/2008 16:41

I was almost with you, OP, until the bit about it being "creepy" for the girl to have been in her parents' room while only dad was in.

Now I think you are as mad as a mongoose.

Let me know where you live, sweety, so I can be quite sure not to buy a house there.

fossa · 13/12/2008 16:41

I was almost with you, OP, until the bit about it being "creepy" for the girl to have been in her parents' room while only dad was in.

Now I think you are as mad as a mongoose.

Let me know where you live, sweety, so I can be quite sure not to buy a house there.

fossa · 13/12/2008 16:42

bugger.

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