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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I have reported neighbours to Social Services. I feel weird

98 replies

changingid · 13/12/2008 09:30

I rang SS this morning to report my concerns about a local family. I know they are struggling but they won't accept help when it is offerred and they are isolating themselves. there are 4 children under 7, the mother leaves the younger 2 alone and I wasn't comfortable with that.

I feel terrible now. Catch 22 really, Damned if you do and damned if you don't IYKWIM. I feel a coward for not asking the family directly if they need a hand.

OP posts:

Original poster

changingid · 13/12/2008 15:46

TBH I was constantly thinking 'I'll do it in the New Year get Xmas out of the way but I was woken up by something that freaked me out and gave me that empty sick feeling in my stomach. It spured me on to get it done TBH

OP posts:

juuule · 13/12/2008 15:47

What freaked you out?
Could you have discussed it with HV or someone first to get their opinion?

Coldtits · 13/12/2008 15:50

Yes, Onager, she will. She may have made sure the children got more to look forward to than neglect.

Original poster

changingid · 13/12/2008 15:50

Local HV is less than hopeless tbh

I have discussed the matter with another neighbour who was quite close to the family. She has had simillar if not more serious concerns than me for a long time. I did say once that one of us has to make that step if we felt what we talked about. Then we didn't do anything

OP posts:

LiffeyCanSpellGeansaiNollaig · 13/12/2008 15:51

Good for you OP. Don't doubt you've done the right thing. A while back, I decided to take the 'doing nothing course of action' and it's been on my mind. A month ago, a little girl of only 2, not a day more, came and sat with my son and me in McDonald's one day (yes ). She didn't say anything, jsut stared at us. When we left, I couldn't see her Mum, so I asked the girl on lobby duty to see her back to her Mum, and she pointed behind the desk and said in broken English 'oh her mum there'. Her mum worked there! The poor little thing was just waiting like a lost soul for her mum to finish a five hour (minimum?) shift?? I couldn't believe it. That little girl has been on my mind. I hope she's ok.

noiamnot · 13/12/2008 15:53

Liffey - maybe the mum had no money for childcare? I mean what are people supposed to do really?

thenewme · 13/12/2008 15:54

noiamnot

LiffeyCanSpellGeansaiNollaig · 13/12/2008 15:56

I know, I mean that's why I can't work, and I'm a single mum but I have help from my parents. This woman was chinese. Obviously a long way from home. Taht's why I thought about it and did nothing. But I still wish there was a better solution than doing nothing.

juuule · 13/12/2008 15:57

Liffey - are you certain the little girl wasn't just waiting until someone came for her? Perhaps her child carer was late and her mum had to take her with her. Perhaps it was a one-off. Or do you know the exact circumstances of her being there?

juuule · 13/12/2008 15:57

"Obviously a long way from home."
How do you know that?

LiffeyCanSpellGeansaiNollaig · 13/12/2008 15:58

95% sure. The girl I asked just indicated with a point that the child's mother worked here, annd then shrugged, as thuogh she didn't think it was fantastic either.

IAteTheWholeSelectionBox · 13/12/2008 16:00

I have reported someone (not a family, an individual) to SS before because to me she was obviously not coping with life at all and was not functioning normally. I did think that she'd probably realise who'd reported her (we only met once through my job) but I had to hope she would be able to get some help from it.

If anything had happened to her, and I was really scared it might, then I would never have forgiven myself for not speaking out. I don't know if she accepted any help but I have at least tried.

I don't think you should feel terrible. If people were less insular these days a lot of sad things could be prevented. I think we should look on it as calling in support for someone, not "reporting" them.

juuule · 13/12/2008 16:00

Changingid - even if one hv is useless, surely there would be someone at your clinic/health centre that you could have asked advice from. Is there a children's centre near you? If so, they could probably have advised you there.

LiffeyCanSpellGeansaiNollaig · 13/12/2008 16:01

A long way from home because the little girl spoke not a word. I'd expect a 2 yr old girl to have a couple of words. (although, saying that my 3 yr old has none! but he has speech delay). Also, the woman behind the counter looked chinese. And if she was brought up in Ireland she probably would have had better networks and access to childcare and a better understanding of the system and what's considered acceptable and unacceptable here. So, just an educated guess when I say 'long way from home'. You're right, I don't KNOW that.

juuule · 13/12/2008 16:02

So not 100% sure and while it might not have been ideal or maybe it just annoyed the person you spoke to, it doesn't necessarily mean it was a regular thing.

I think you would have had to find out more before passing judgement.

noiamnot · 13/12/2008 16:05

of course it's not an ideal situation. If the woman is a recent immigrant and has no family or friends locally and is surviving on a McDonald's salary how in this earth is she supposed to get child care?

Original poster

changingid · 13/12/2008 16:06

Thing is I've spent 12 months justifing and rationalising the little things. As you don't want to think the worst you explain it away as a freak occurance.

Then the freak occurances become too regular to be 'freak' IYKWIM

Then you feel terrible for jumping to the conclusion that too many incidents means something is wrong and you are over reacting.

OP posts:

noiamnot · 13/12/2008 16:06

I think people are just completely unaware of the challenges some parts of society might face at times. The mum is probably doing the best she can.

I mean, I wouldn't do it and don't think it's good for a child that young but she probably feels she has no options

juuule · 13/12/2008 16:06

I do think a lot of assumptions are being made purely, it seems, on the basis that this woman looked Chinese and had her 2yo daughter with her.

CrushWithEyeliner · 13/12/2008 16:07

cdid if they really don't need help then what harm could ss do by checking everything is ok? and if they do - which I believe from what you said that they really do, you may have changed things for the better for those children.

In light of recent events I think it is applaudable that some are being aware and concerned for children who are being neglected like this. But I agree with whoever said that you should follow it up.

LiffeyCanSpellGeansaiNollaig · 13/12/2008 16:08

I wasn't passing judgement! I felt terribly sorry for the little girl though, and after giving the matter some thought I didn't report the mother, out of understanding that there are worse things than being left to wander the floor of McDonalds for 5 hours. Possibly no roof over your head, your mummy being in trouble with the law, not having enough food...

It was nothing to do with judging the mother. I observed a 2 yr old completely on her own (for at least half an hour!). When I asked the girl on lobby where the child's mother was, I thought it would be another customer. I'd no idea at that point that the child's mother was working there. That hadn't even occured to me. When we left, her Mum was still busy working.

My 3 yr old would wail with loneliness if I left him to his own devices for even half an hour! This child accepted it with stoic resignation.

CrushWithEyeliner · 13/12/2008 16:09

ch id what kind of "little" things do you mean?

juuule · 13/12/2008 16:10

So you observed the little girl for half an hour and have deduced that she will be spending 5hours there?

LiffeyCanSpellGeansaiNollaig · 13/12/2008 16:11

juuule, OK, you walk into McDonalds in Blackrock and tell me how many employees were brought up in Ireland? I'll tell you, NONE! NObody Irish has worked in McDonald's since about 1989. It staffed by imigrants. It is disengenuous of you to imply that I was being racist or making patronising assumptions or being judgemental.

You weren't there. I was. I saw a lonely, self-contained but mature tiny girl of about 2, whose chinese mother was too busy working to make sure that she wasn't coming to any harm.

Ffs!

juuule · 13/12/2008 16:12

But you still don't know.

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