Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be shocked that 11 year old girls have boyfriends...................

74 replies

SquishyButt · 09/12/2008 22:44

All of DDs new friends at sec school (Yr 7) have boyfriends (she is the only one who does'nt apparently and is desperate for one) and we actually bumped into her best friend while she was 'window shopping' in town hand in hand with her boyfriend (all in the same class). They are 11 ffs! The girl had told her mum that she was going 'up town' with her friends but lied and met this boy on her own (her mum trusts her so lets her go out on her own ). I imagined 11 year olds swooning over each other in school and 'going out' with each other but not ACTUALLY going out so am shocked.

Found a text on DDs phone later that she sent to 4 friends saying how embarrassed she was of me making her walk around town with me! While she was at primary school she had no interest in boys at all and now after 3 months at senior school, she never shuts up about them . They seem to be having sex ed shoved in their faces at school too - she's been telling me that they have been shown graphic pictures (drawings) of penis' inside vaginas as well. I sat her down and told her the rudimentarys of it all when she was 10 and got her books about it but AIBU in thinking that they really don't need to be thinking about all that and boyfriend/girlfriend issues at this age.

I have told DD that she is not dating or going 'up town' with her mates until she is 16 and I'll homeschool if need be (bit OTT I know). I remember that I was still playing with dolls at her age - what is the world coming to!!

OP posts:
cory · 09/12/2008 23:04

Not to anything different to what it always was. I was in love with my sailing instructor when I was 11- fantasising about kissing etc. Doesn't mean anything actually happened or would have happened.

I really do not think there is a connection between sex ed and early boyfriends. This is looking at it from a grown-up angle; the 11yo who dates a boy of the same age is most likely not thinking about penises in vaginas. It's more to do with social experimenting and a little gentle romance.

And walking hand in hand with her boyfriend is absolutely no indication that they will be having sex anytime soon.

My 11yo dd's friends can play at dolls one moment and have a (totally innocent relationship with) boyfriend the next. 11 is an in-between stage. (dd apparently is not impressed by the local talent)

PuzzYuleLogs · 09/12/2008 23:05

Oh lord, I have all this to come. Why didn't I have a son?

justunaccomplishedsanta · 09/12/2008 23:07

YANBU I hated boys when I was 11. Unfortunately this meant I was on the recieving end of quite a lot of bullying at secondary school and was constantly called "frigid". It's a shame your dd feels embarrassed but not sure what else you could do that you're not already doing. God when my girls are that age I'll be fitting them with a chastity belt.

Clary · 09/12/2008 23:14

I think a girl should be allowed up town with her mates before she's 16 - I was!

scaryteacher · 10/12/2008 11:12

Thankfully, I have a ds (13) who is more interested in his ps3 and computer than in girls! Long may it continue!!!

Anna8888 · 10/12/2008 11:13

LOL at people thinking sons are different - they aren't .

DeckHallsWithFIMBOughsofHolly · 10/12/2008 11:18

My dd is 10.5 and thankfully at the moment has no interest in boys. She will start high school in September so we shall see what that brings. At the moment I don't allow her to go anywhere on her own. I can't imagine letting her go up town with her friends - pfb alert!!

I do have a ds too but he is only 5 and currently dislikes girls.

herbietea · 10/12/2008 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

thederkinsdame · 10/12/2008 11:21

To put your mind at rest, I too had a 'boyfriend' at 11 and so did most girls in my class, mostly due to peer pressure LOL. We met up as a group and held hands with our 'boyfriends' in town but that was as far as it went and when we were alone we didn't really know what to say to each other, so it was all innocent really!

However, there was one couple in my class who were sexually active at 11/12 (still at primary). It wasn't just boasting either. They were caught on a school trip. so it does happen but I think it is the exception rather than the rule. I don't think I would suggest no meeting in town till she's 16. That seems a bit harsh to me and is more likely to make her secretive and sneak about .

Personally, I think it is good that kids are informed and have sex education as long as they talk about sex in the context of a loving relationship, as I think kisd are often taught the mechanics but not the emotional stuff IYSWIM.

If it was me, I would focus on explaining to her that although her friends talk about having boyfriends, she shouldn't feel the need to have one until she is ready and she certainly shouldn't feel pressurised into doing stuff just becuase her friends claim they are. That is the most important message of all! My Mum was always very open about sex and talked in terms of the emotional side etc and as a consequence, although I had a 'boyfriend' at 11, I did not have sex early.
HTH!

TsarHumbug · 10/12/2008 11:29

I do agree with OP about this.

I think it's such a shame that children of this age feel peer pressure to grow up so quickly these days.

I was still very much a little girl at 11, but maybe that because things were less sophisticated when I was that age. It was quite a long time ago cos I am mid 40's.

Thankfully (so far) my dd(10) is managing to remain quite uninterested although I can certainly see some of her friends are far more into boys etc than she is.

School, tv and music definately push far too much at making them aware of the adult world. It's horrible

moopymoo · 10/12/2008 11:32

I do think its a worrying time. But I think you need to tread carefully. If she is interested now, then saying she is not allowed a boyfriend until she is 16 is completely unrealistic and will mean that communication between you is in danger of breaking down, IMo , you have to set realistic boundaries and then go at her pace, not yours.

pinkfrogsroastingonanopenfire · 10/12/2008 11:38

My DS4 started High School in September as well. He worrys that none of the girls will like him as, in his words, 'Im short and chubby.'

The girls in Year 7 are obsessed with boyfriends. He has several girls who he really likes but says he is scared that if he asks them to be his girlfriend they will say no.

This is a horrible age....not a child and nowhere near an adult.

He has had the same Biology lessons and was a touch mortified by them!! He calls it Graphic science or Porn Science

He has changed beyond belief since September. Incidentally a girl in his class who is just 12 had a pregnancy test kit in school yesterday and the rumour going around is that she is pregnant. DS said 'Can you believe it Mum - he just went around to visit her and they played CD's in her room and now she is pregnant !!!

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 10/12/2008 11:40

I blame highschool musical etc my dd1 is five and when she see's her friends they all hug and air kiss and bounce excitedly. I have never actually seen HSM but I imagine that is what they do considering they are called Chardonney or whatever. DD1 also seems to have developed an american accent that is saved for use around her friends which is strange as they are all english

And she has a boyfriend. I asked if she kissed him or held hands and her reply was ewww. They did hold hands when they got married though.

Serioulsy though I had a boyfriend when I was 11 we were 'going out' untill I was 13. We never even kissed.

pinkfrogsroastingonanopenfire · 10/12/2008 11:43

HSM

My son and his friend talk 'American' as well!!! They say 'firetruck' etc and shout to each other 'Hey guys your turn on the computer!!'

HSM - that is brill

duchesse · 10/12/2008 11:43

No you are NBU! I find it horrifying that they are gaining adolescent/ adult sets of problems at such young ages. All it does is shift a load of issues they are not yet equipped to deal with down a few years. I speak as a secondary school teacher who has had to deal with the fallout.

TsarHumbug · 10/12/2008 11:44

Gosh that sounds an awful situation pinkfrogs

I disagree about not being a child though at this age. That's just it, I think they still are children, but they are being bombarded with so much information and feel the need to act on it or at least consider it before they are ready.

It's the pressure on them from outside sources that is making them feel that they are no longer children, but inside I think many still are and want to be.

IdrisTheDragon · 10/12/2008 11:47

I remember when I was at primary school, there were people in the last year who used to kiss in the playground (and liked to have an audience ).

I wasn't into boys at all, but other people were and most people seem to have turned out all right.

pinkfrogsroastingonanopenfire · 10/12/2008 11:49

I agree. I think the girls of my sons age get all dressed up, make up on, etc etc - they look so much older but their emotions and experiences are not ready for relationships. So much pressure on our children - so many things to try to avoid (drugs etc). My son went to the school xmas disco last night. Just put his track suit pants on and a favourite tshirt. The girls were sooooooo scary - cropped tops with slogans on like 'I am a bitch' 'dont mess with me' His 'best part' of the disco was when they played the party games!!

VinegarSantaGropedMyTits · 10/12/2008 11:50

I had a boyfriend when i was 10, it was all very innocent. I remember necking him on the back field and being totally disgusted by the experience

littlelyn · 10/12/2008 11:59

I wouldn't discourage or encourage. You need to trust your DDs judgement until she gives you reason to doubt it otherwise you are in for a rough and miserable ride for the next few years. Why not let her meet a friend or 2 in town for a couple of hours whilst you do a bit of shopping yourself and then meet back up with DD afterwards to bring her home?

jingleMAMADIVAsbells · 10/12/2008 12:08

I had my first boyfriend at 11 it wasn't much really just going around holding hands, the odd kiss but that was about it.

At 14 I started going out with my DP 7.5 years on we are still together.

So chances are at 11 it is just a case of holding hands etc so YAB a bit U

bigTillyMint · 10/12/2008 12:15

Do you think it is different for girls that go to an all-girls secondary?

I am worried that if DD gets a place in an all girls, but BF gets mixed, DD will be - less chance to meet boys?

littlelyn · 10/12/2008 12:22

Yes - all-girls schools are different - the girls go even more beserk when in the company of boys

Anna8888 · 10/12/2008 12:23

Agree with littelyn.

SantasNuttySTaff · 10/12/2008 12:26

i must say the only thing i thought about in high scool (from 11 onwards) was boys my mum always insisted on meeting my new 'love' but as long as she met them once or twice it was fine (she knew most of the kids and parents anyway)

always had deadlines to call at a certain time and just let my mum know where i was and what time i was coming home etc when i went to town or out with frinds or 'boyfriend'

i respected my mum for this because i accepted that she would worry and thought it was fair that she asked me to call or be in by a certain time

i think you should let her go to town (does she have a mobile) and ask her just to check in with you from time to time just so that you know she's safe and arrange times to meet or pick her up

11 does seem a bit young to us mums, but to an 11 year old they are finding their feet and is an exciting time (oh the innocent joys of buying make up, your first cd, and pouring over magazines with your mates and your first chaste kiss) put into perspective regardless of sex ed this is more of a time for innocent flirting and little embarrased pecks and hugs rather than 11 year olds wanting to rip each others clothes off

Swipe left for the next trending thread