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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD sulking and tearful - AIBU?

76 replies

gonemissing · 09/12/2008 20:28

ok - I am a regular, name changed incase I get recognised as I don't want other stuff I have said on here traced back to me in RL

DD (9)has been chosen as one of 30 from her school to represent school in final of local radio's school christmas singing competition.

the thing is, they have to travel an hour on the motorway on monday afternoon and will not be back at school till 6.30. So they are travelling on a motorway, in winter, poss bad weather, in the dark, in the rush hour. And they are going in "volunteer parents' cars" - this means it could be ANYONE, as neither me nor DP can do it. he cant get off work, I have other LOs to think about.

I don't want her to go. Going on a coach is one thing, but sending her off to travel with who knows who, with no idea of their driving standards scares the hell out of me.

And the mad thing is, the contest is being voted for online over the weekend, the kids from all the schools singing live on the day before winner is annouinced make sod all difference, it's not like they are the ones charged with the responsibility of making sure they do their best - the winner will be known before they even leave to go.

So, AIBU in saying she can't go as it's a waste of time and i will be worried sick about her being safe?

OP posts:

compo · 09/12/2008 20:32

why don't you find out who the drivers are and then see if you think they are unsuitable?
I think yabu tbh

J2O · 09/12/2008 20:32

hmmmmm, bit of a tough one, could you speak to the school and find out exactly who they would be going with? do you know any of the parents that have volunteered?

J2O · 09/12/2008 20:33

oh-hang on, i read the op properly, have they already sung then?

Acinonyx · 09/12/2008 20:33

YABU. Surely you will know whose car it is - and presumably they will be driving their own dc as well? One hour on the motorway- well, it's not exactly trekking the Hindu Kush is it? I used to commute every day like that - it's not THAT dangerous.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 09/12/2008 20:34

YABU.

TheGreatChristmasEvie · 09/12/2008 20:36

Well I would let her go.I understand why you are worried..but life is a risk isnt it?I think its unlikely that these parents will be boy racer types-they have volunteered for this so I assume they have kids involved who they will also be taking, thus they woudnt drive madly when their own kids are there would they?

Thing is you could be driving and god forbid, an accident could happen.Or she could be walking down the road...and so on..

I do understand your fear.My DD's go to a CM whilst I work.She takes them places in the car.I hated it at first as I was worried about accidents etc.But then I balanced this with the experiences they would miss if I didnt let them go in the car-trips out, going to toddlers group etc.The likelihood of an accident is (touch wood) low compared to what she will get out of singing in the contest.

spicemonster · 09/12/2008 20:36

I think YABU. I can't imagine that the kamikaze driver brigade are the type of people who volunteer for out of hours school activity driving. Why is a coach safer? I think it's a bit mean not to let her go tbh

Original poster

gonemissing · 09/12/2008 20:38

No that's the problem J2O. i don't know who the drivers are and would have no say in who was allocated which children. certainly none of her/our friends are going, wouild be different if they were mums/dads I knew wwell.

TBH I would not even let the ILs take her on the motorway! She has been in teachers cars, friends cars, guiders cars etc etc, for short, local trips only.

I just hate not being in control where her safety is concerned.

Compo do you think IABU not wanting her to go at all because its not really a competition on the day, or just because i am concerned about other peoples driving?

OP posts:

edam · 09/12/2008 20:38

I think you are being a little OTT. AFAIK most accidents happen on local roads, not motorways. Don't you ever let her go to friends' houses? Surely she sometimes gets in a car that is driven by someone other than her parents?

OK, it is a mother's job to worry, but you can't stop her doing something that is presumably important to her and the school because you are over-anxious.

I really don't think that stopping her being a passenger in anyone else's car will actually have a significant effect on the statistical chances of any accident.

Human beings like to feel in control, so we think we are less likely to have an accident if we are driving, and more fearful in planes, for instance. But that's perception, not fact. She won't be in any more danger than she is when you are driving.

Original poster

gonemissing · 09/12/2008 20:39

TBH I would not even let the ILs take her on the motorway! She has been in teachers cars, friends cars, guiders cars etc etc, for short, local trips only.

I just hate not being in control where her safety is concerned.

Compo do you think IABU not wanting her to go at all because its not really a competition on the day, or just because i am concerned about other peoples driving?

OP posts:

edam · 09/12/2008 20:39

Cross post - short local trips are the most likely to involve an accident! It's that feeling in control thing - you prefer it because it feels safer to you, when in fact the reverse is true.

compo · 09/12/2008 20:41

I think yabu because she wants to go, if she doesn't mind about the competition bit then it's up to her. Is there a reason why you have a thing about motorways? Why don't you let the inlaws drive her?

MerryFlippinChristmas · 09/12/2008 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 09/12/2008 20:42

YABU for whatever reason slightly overprotective

Your daughter has won a chance to represent her school at something she enjoys and is good at? and your response is to say absolutely no as there is a remote possiblity you may be involved in an accident as I don't know the driver....

Sorry but think your daughter has every right to be upset, you are being paranoid and she is suffering sorry if sounds harsh but think you should be proud of her and support her, god knows if she gets this response when she does something good whats the point??

spicemonster · 09/12/2008 20:44

You won't let your ILs drive her on the motorway? Unless you and your husband are massively better drivers than the rest of the population and/or your ILs have had tons of accidents then YABVU.

What are you going to do when she's older? She'll still be precious when she's 16 and 17 won't she?

tiredsville · 09/12/2008 20:48

YANBU. The way some of the school run mums drive at my DC's school, I wouldn't get in the car with them.

I think you have a right to know who's driving.

I understand DD too

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 09/12/2008 20:49

I think you've missed the point about the excitement of the whole experience for her.
At 9 I'd imagine this is quite a big deal

Original poster

gonemissing · 09/12/2008 20:49

Yes they have sung already, you can hear it online and vote. the whole school sang. But they want kids to sing live on the day, and can only take 30 per school. so all the finalist schools are sending kids to sing BUT THE VOTING WILL BE CLOSED ALREADY! thats why its a pointless exercise. WHy should DD have an extra long school day, sing her heart out and be told "hard luck we already knew your school had come last"!!? Her being there has NO IMPACT AT ALL - so why take the risk?

Yes of course I know I could be the driver and we could have an accident on local roads. But I do have a 20 year accident free record, and would have NO IDEA about other peoples driving standards/car road worthiness etc.

Sadly just because their own DC would be going does not make me assume they would be safe drivers. I have seen all sorts of illegal/dangerous things going on with kids travelling unrestrained etc etc to know this is not true.

I do worry about coaches too, at least in a coach its a bigger vehicle, so more protection in a collision with a lorry for example

OP posts:

TheGreatChristmasEvie · 09/12/2008 20:50

Thing is you cant stop her doing this stuff forever.In 5 short years or so (as a maximum) she will be going out her own.Its part of life.Best if you start to let go now by doing this.It will prepare you and her for her future independence.Otherwise its going to come as an almighty shock and wont be an enjoyable time as you are forced to adjust.
If you stop her doing things like this now she will either get a complex about doing normal things or resent it and it will begin to impact negatively on your relationship.

Give her your phone.Tell her to call you when they get there so you are somewhat reassured.But let her go.She will remember the competition forever.As it is all she will remember is her Mum telling her she cant go for no good reason.

Pantofino · 09/12/2008 20:50

I really do understand how you feel, to the extent that even if my DH drives my dd to school down the motorway I worry. And yet I do the same trip with her most days. However, the likelihood of anything bad happening is so slight, and you CANNOT protect them from everything, no matter how much you love them. Sad to say, it is part of them growing up.

glitterball · 09/12/2008 20:54

sorry i think YABU, and im not surprised your DD is upset.

Most accidents actually happen on local roads, so statistically your DD is probably more at risk being driven by you or your DH to school than going on this trip. sorry,that probably hasnt helped......

my job involves me dealing with the consequences of RTAs. it makes me more aware of what might happen, i know all the worst case scenarios, but equally it has reaffirmed to me that accidents are totally random, & you can't go through life eliminating every single risk, otherwise you will never do anything.

i hope you can reconsider & let her go.

tengreenbottles · 09/12/2008 20:54

Right you have other LOs to think about ,but does that really stop you from driving ? i am sure they could cope with one late night ,the question is can you ? If this is something your DD really wants to do then why cant you drive her ?

J2O · 09/12/2008 20:55

I understand what you're saying, it just seems a shame for dd to miss out on what she probably sees as an exciting trip out. Is there any chance you can get anyone to look after your other dcs so that you can volunteer to drive?

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 09/12/2008 20:56

Do you have any other background regarding your anxiety other than what you have posted,
as your post could be viewed as understandable if poor driving has had a massive imapct on your family/ friends but if it's "just what you've readin the papers" I think this wuld be a good time too give a little.

what will happen in 7-8 years time when dd wants to drive on her own, You could end up with a dd who is either too terrified by your paranoia or a complete rebel who just wants too do it her own way. (either way a difficult relationship)

Original poster

gonemissing · 09/12/2008 21:00

Re: not letting in laws drive her on motorways - they are in their 70's and their reactions are not what they should be. They have had several lucky misses, for a variety of reasons. We worry about them driving THEMSELVES, and not just on motorways. with the added distraction/excitement of a DGD to chat to, they would be even less on the ball!

Yes i know local roads have more accidents,but on motorways its the speed thing.

I know she is excited, we all were when we heard, but we thoght they were organising a coach. It does make a difference - who knows if X's dad will turn up after his works Xmas lunch over the limit, or with a car which is infact untaxed/uninsured, or is prone to speeding all the time?

I don't trust stats, having been on the wrong end of them with dire consequences in recent yrs - leading to DD 3 being still born - I know this makes me an overprotective mother, but I could NOT go through anything like it again

OP posts:

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