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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD sulking and tearful - AIBU?

76 replies

gonemissing · 09/12/2008 20:28

ok - I am a regular, name changed incase I get recognised as I don't want other stuff I have said on here traced back to me in RL

DD (9)has been chosen as one of 30 from her school to represent school in final of local radio's school christmas singing competition.

the thing is, they have to travel an hour on the motorway on monday afternoon and will not be back at school till 6.30. So they are travelling on a motorway, in winter, poss bad weather, in the dark, in the rush hour. And they are going in "volunteer parents' cars" - this means it could be ANYONE, as neither me nor DP can do it. he cant get off work, I have other LOs to think about.

I don't want her to go. Going on a coach is one thing, but sending her off to travel with who knows who, with no idea of their driving standards scares the hell out of me.

And the mad thing is, the contest is being voted for online over the weekend, the kids from all the schools singing live on the day before winner is annouinced make sod all difference, it's not like they are the ones charged with the responsibility of making sure they do their best - the winner will be known before they even leave to go.

So, AIBU in saying she can't go as it's a waste of time and i will be worried sick about her being safe?

OP posts:

Original poster

gonemissing · 09/12/2008 22:04

will let you know what happens.

(wonder if it would be breaking the rules to ask everyone on MN to vote for our school!?? What the hell -
www.invictafm.co.uk & vote for Hamstreet primary, friday-monday!!))

OP posts:

edam · 09/12/2008 23:11

Good luck for the competition. So glad you are trying to find a way round this so dd can go.

Your comment about telling dd you are over-protective because you love her so much made me pause. Do you think it's giving her the right message? Of course as mothers we all worry but your very sad situation is a bit more extreme. Maybe dd might be hearing 'love means stopping people doing things they enjoy'.

Am probably just rambling but at university I had a friend whose mother lost a baby before she was born. This mother was very overprotective and when I met my friend it was causing a lot of friction. NOW as a mother myself I'd be a lot more understanding, but 18/19 yos just don't have the same perspective.

I think possibly as a result, my friend was much less capable of looking after herself and judging risk than most people her age. Which made all the normal growing up stuff more complicated and dangerous - she was always the one who would end up really legless and in a state.

J2O · 10/12/2008 08:15

Hope you get it sorted

don't see no harm in helping the votes along the way

cory · 10/12/2008 08:28

I think if you can manage to take her yourself that will be a good compromise. She won't miss out but you will be giving yourself a little leeway too. And a late night won't hurt the other children. Or see if you can dump the others on friends. Dd used to dance and we did all sorts of complicated arrangements so she could be in the show. Well worth it to have this sort of experience.

I think you already know that you need to work on your own feelings re protecting her. It is very very understandable after what you've been through, but you need to get it under control before it starts taking over her life; as other posters have pointed out that does carry an element of risk all of its own, as she may either rebel or simply grow up unable to judge risks for herself.

pooka · 10/12/2008 08:34

You say that you are worried about the speed thing on the motorway - but at the same time you have said that tey will be driving during the rush hour. Is unlikely that there will be possibility of speeding in wall to wall traffic.

I think YABU. And what if they have won, and she misses being part of the winning team? And she gets to see a radio station and be recorded and be on air? I think missing that opportunity would be very upsetting for a 9 year old.

pooka · 10/12/2008 08:36

And while I think YABU, of course your added protectiveness is understandable.

Tortington · 10/12/2008 08:36

fgs op - get a grip.

claw3 · 10/12/2008 08:49

You are being unreasonable. We all worry about being out of control with our kids to a certain extent, but you have to let them grow up.

WhileShosheWatchedHerFlocks · 10/12/2008 09:02

Let her go, you will hold your child to tight until she rebels, life is about risks, and really a hour on the motorway is not a huge risk, at some point you will have to let her and your other children start taking risks, or how on earth will they know as they get older and out of your protective control which risks to take?

And please don't say I don't understand about being a overprotective mother, I lost two children, in fact mu daughter 17 years ago today.

I had o bite my lip and hold onto myself every time DS wanted to do something that went against every protective instinct I had, but I let him.

He is now a sensible well rounded man, who never gave me much cause for concern, because he knew which life risks to take.

Original poster

gonemissing · 10/12/2008 11:12

whileshoshewatched -
so sorry about your lost DCs, I understand that the anniversary will be hard for you even 17years on.Whatever your circumstancces were I hope you find some peace on this day.Hugs.

pooka - if they win it will not be because of her part on the day tho, as the entry was pre recorded in school, has been played on radio and is available to vote for online. To me it seemed like the trip up there for the "live final" was a big con, but I DO see how the excitement is different for a 9yo.
Also they are not going to a radio station, it is being recorded at a big shopping mall.Agree it IS a big deal for her, which is why we are trying to work round it - it hit me when one poster said "you don't want her always remembering that she had this opportunity and you would not let her go", or something like that.

all- latest update is that DH is trying to wangle an afternoon off work so he can take her, that way we will get to have a home movie of it too!

custardo - thanks for your (un)helpful and rather cruel response. I don't know why some people bother posting - I expect you only read the OP. I hope you never have to go through losing a child.

OP posts:

chocolatedot · 10/12/2008 11:27

YABU, motorways are the safest roads of all to drive on

littlelyn · 10/12/2008 11:47

YANBU because neither I or my DH would allow our DD to go in a car with someone associated with her school but not known to us. Glad to hear your DH is trying to get the afternoon off hope they win.

purpleduck · 10/12/2008 12:06

I would want to know who she was going with.

NCRedBreastedBirdy · 10/12/2008 12:07

Gonemissing, I hope dh gets the afternoon off, that would be a perfect compromise and it would be fab to have a video of the whole thing!

LucyTownsend · 13/12/2008 01:08

I voted for her for you - hope your dh gets the afternoon off so that you can have the video and she gets an experience to remember

Hugs

Ashantai · 13/12/2008 01:32

In defence of custardo tho, i did the same and just went to the last page and its only when i read your response that i actually read the whole thread - I have the attention span of a goldfish sadly....

Now I can see why you are feeling so anxious and i'm really sorry for your loss.I'm just getting over my pfb going to secondary school on her own and thats without the trauma you have suffered.

Really hope your oh can get the afternoon off and your daughter enjoys herself.

sticksantaupyourchimney · 13/12/2008 01:47

SOrry for your loss but you risk damaging your DD with this attitude. Being 'the one who'se mother wouldn't let me go with the other kids' is something she might remember - and resent- for the rest of her life. While your feelings are understandable they are not reasonable: the risks are low, and yet everything in life is a risk. In this case, the benefits to your DD (the excitement of travelling with her friends and competing in a broadcast contest) far outweight the risks.

nooka · 13/12/2008 01:47

Our school were selected for a carol singing concert after winning a local competition, and we went and sang at the Albert Hall. I was about 9/10, and I remember it as being one of the most exciting experiences of my life. On the second evening I came down with a horrible cold/flu and the school gave my place to one of my friends. I can still remember how gutted I was. I don't think it matters if it is a live competition or not, or how well your school does. Being selected and going on a special trip as part of a select bunch will be incredibly exciting, and I think if you don't let her go, and the other kids come back and talk about how exciting it was your dd will be really upset. I do understand about the worry - I lost a cousin at the age of four, and it devastated the family, but you need to find a balance. I would ask the music teacher as well as have your dh see if he can get the day off, just as insurance. I'm sure a way can be found that you will feel OK (ish) with.

J2O · 13/12/2008 13:07

i have voted for her too

nooka · 15/12/2008 23:22

Hi gonemissing - did you work something out in the end? I hope it was all OK.

dingdongmerrilyonpie · 15/12/2008 23:57

YANBU - you are being used to promote the radios show if they already know who the winner is.

I had a very similar thing happen to me about a month ago except I didn't realise till afterwards and I was effing furious at the waste of time, money and effort.

Jackaroo · 16/12/2008 00:22

I realise this issue is now over and done with, but I just wanted to give the OP the view point of a daughter of a mother who lost 3 babies, and was kept in cotton wool "because we love you SO much"... 30 years later I'm in therapy.

Now, your DD might behave completely differently to me, but the onus of being so so precious is a hard one to carry. It is not her fault you went through such an awful experience (I know, staing the obvious). Not being allowed to go out on a bike, barely any risk taking (when forseeable) and the constant drama about any near misses... it was exhausting and bewildering....

Hope you had a positive outcome, btw!

Just on one other point, I do agree that if the school is arranging for them to do something like this, they have a duty of care to have named drivers, so that everyone knows exactly who is responsible for whom (who?? I've no idea)..

loobeylou · 16/12/2008 12:50

Thanks for that Jackaroo, have not had input from someone in your shoes before, and I do realise i border on paranoid with my over protectiveness! Am working on it!

DD went, DH took her, AND THEY WON !!

smiles all round

nooka · 17/12/2008 04:03

Fantastic! Oh I am so glad that you worked this one out Your dd must have been so excited

Jackaroo · 17/12/2008 06:57

Brilliant - what a fantastic outcome! Any hope I didn't sound too harsh, but glad it helped.......

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